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Let me introduce myself. My name is Mark Sisson. I’m 63 years young. I live and work in Malibu, California. In a past life I was a professional marathoner and triathlete. Now my life goal is to help 100 million people get healthy. I started this blog in 2006 to empower people to take full responsibility for their own health and enjoyment of life by investigating, discussing, and critically rethinking everything we’ve assumed to be true about health and wellness...

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October 18 2007

Twinkie Dust Is Like Star Dust. Or Something. What?

By Sara
16 Comments

In defense of the Twinkie (wait, haven’t we heard that one before?), the Important People at Hostess explain exasperatedly that trying to understand what the Twinkie is made of is just like trying to understand the entire universe. Look, this miniature sticky cake of chemicals is as mysterious and magical as the very cosmos in which we exist. Duh. Don’t you feel silly now?

Unfortunately, the Important People are not delusional in the slightest. Twinkies are made of dozens of chemicals and at least 5 different rocks, so in truth, these little loaves of limestone really kinda are the universe. It appears you can manufacture irony, and it requires only 39 ingredients. I feel the welling up of an existential crisis of the sort not experienced since I watched my landlord wear a Dolce & Gabbana jacket to fix the toilet. There are some things money can’t buy, but for everything else, there’s rent.

Twinkies are comprised of 39 ingredients, 5 of which are rocks and 3 of which are petroleum. The cream is not real cream. The flavor is not real flavor. The color is not real color. The Twinkie contains ingredients that are also found in shampoo, sheet rock, and rocket fuel.

There is only one word for that: luscious.

Further reading:

The Man Behind Fried Everything

Fried Lattes: Finally!

The Bees Visit the Middle Aisles of the Grocery Store

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TAGS:  big agra, humor

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16 thoughts on “Twinkie Dust Is Like Star Dust. Or Something. What?”

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  1. Thanks for digging up that info. Sara.
    Good Example NOT to eat junk food, and also
    to read ingredients on labels before to put
    it in your mouth. Sometimes “taste” is
    deceiving.

  2. What about the Ho-Ho or the Cupcake, are they also contaminated by unique ingredients?

  3. Yeah, they’re unique alright Oxybeles.

    Donna-I like what Jack Lalane said once, “if it tastes good, spit it out”. Hehehe.

  4. My sibs and I all hated Twinkies as kids, and so did our friends. We liked cupcakes and loved Ding Dongs best and couldn’t figure out who actually bought and ate Twinkies. Strange how we detected a clear taste difference since they’re all pretty much made with the same ingredients. Mom’s cakes and cookies were no better – all made with cupfuls of pure trans-fatty Crisco, which she still uses today. Luckily, my family was working poor, and sweets were a rare treat when we were growing up.

  5. BTW, I hope you didn’t actually bite into that Twinkie, or if you did, that you promptly spat out the contents into a waste receptacle, where they belong.

  6. OMG!!!! Did you know they make BRIDGES out of IRON!?!?!? I’m going to avoid all foods with iron now!!! That would be rational!

  7. As Carl Sagan said, “We are all star stuff!”

    (He also said “The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.” But then he hadn’t met the important people at Hostess).

  8. Crystal, Jack Lalane is right with that saying!

    We all know Junk food tastes good, but NOT good for you.

    I’d rather eat healthy food that makes you feel good “healthwise” rather than eating junk food that makes you feel good “emotionaly.”

  9. Did you take a bite out of the twinkie and place it on the asphalt for the photo?

  10. I laughed out loud, twice. Fine work. (Perceived sanity from perspective of my housemates – not so high).

    We don’t have Twinkies over here.

    Not as food, anyway.

    I think Twinkies would be ideal for things like future Mars expeditions, since they’re simply stuffed full of chemicals. Patter a couple of billion Twinkies over Mars before the astronauts arrive. They could be a ready source of chemicals for all sorts of essential manufacturing needs.

    Not food, of course. They’d need food for that.

  11. That said, sometimes I really do miss cramming Twinkies down my piehole. Then I remember how miserable I felt in those days and stop myself.