Manufacturers are making larger car seats to accommodate heavy children.
Restaurants have expanded seating sizes (and so have amusement parks).
Even medical equipment has required super-sizing.
In fact, expanding the sizes of chair, belts, booths, and other common widgets is one of the hottest areas of product development in business right now.
At the current rate, we will achieve 100% child obesity in America by 2044 and 100% total population obesity by 2058.
What does obesity look like in dollars, numbers and lives? Learn why obesity is such a “big” deal.
[tags] sizing, seating, obesity, epidemic [/tags]
Apparently, when it comes to health, men can barely keep up with the family dog.
It started out innocently enough. To wit: the old Carl’s Jr. ad that featured a forlorn dude in the bread aisle attempting to choose the best loaf. Classic. But it just snowballed from there. Oh, there were always the typical, annoying commercials featuring wives who were just super-excited about things like cavity-preventing floss and allergy-friendly detergent – as if family life precludes personality – along with the obligatory grumbling husband. But the men-are-oafish-and-unhealthy motif was taken to a new level by Listerine. In the commercial, smarty-pants mom comes home with groceries and parades the goods in front of eager hubby and brood. Out comes the Listerine, and wouldn’t you know, the kitchen is suddenly a ghost town. For both kidlets and manlet have whisked themselves magically above Evil Mouthwash Lady’s head. Was this dazzling feat of flight made possible by jet propulsion? A magical sleigh? Chi? Who knows!
As if anyone, let alone a grown man, would be afraid of mouthwash, even junior has the right to tell dad he’s a total moron these days. In a recent breakfast cereal commercial a knowing youngster was forced to school dear old dad on how to eat a healthier breakfast – ‘cuz we want you around for a good long while, Pops. Oh, that Pops. He really needs to learn a thing or two.
But the trend of making men appear dumber than your average slug has reached a pinnacle of annoyance only matched by the Empire Carpets jingle. It seems every commercial of 2007 has accepted the “fact” that old Pops is just uninterested in health and that men only care about burgers. To that end, Burger King encourages guys to accept their stupidity and “eat like a man, man”.
Commercials portray a consistent message that women are genuinely thrilled by nothing more than the likes of mopping and killing germs (and this has been going on since television was invented). The men, however, apparently lack even that capacity for such heights of thrillery, for sadly, they are morons.
I guess we’re supposed to laugh at these portrayals. Admittedly, the above commercial is hilarious. But isn’t that why we have The Simpsons? I think it’s rather odd that companies openly mock the health I.Q. of half the population as a way of getting us to buy their products. I don’t think it’s the end of the world or anything – political correctness kills me – but it’s getting a little old!
[tags] Burger King, burgers, men, eat like a man, commercials, advertising, stereotypes, gender [/tags]
How to Get Sick and Die, Part 2 The Definitive Guide Every convenience restaurant, processed food manufacturer and prime time commercial wants to help you get sick and die! Isn’t that nice of them? And so far – despite a major media vegetable conspiracy – we’re doing pretty well, too. Although, there’s still a lot of progress to be made! More of us could be getting sick and dying! But you’ll at least be encouraged to learn that Americans: – Don’t exercise. – Are pretty sick anyway. – Are really stressed out. – Are the fattest people around (basically). – Have not just one, but two epidemics going on. Yeah! Clearly, getting sick and dying is the American way. If you haven’t gotten busy with getting sick and dying, for the love of lard, what’s wrong with you? Do your patriotic duty! (If this is stressing you out, good! That’s one more great way to get sick and die, and it’s about time you joined the ranks of the most stressed-out people around.) Fortunately, as I’ve said, it’s actually not that difficult to get sick and die. Millions of Americans are doing it, and you can, too. It may seem like the information and tools are being kept from you, but that’s just due to our silly, negligent media (those guys). Owned by greedy old men and aggressive lobbyists, the media help push the great vegetable conspiracy. But the information is there. In truth, you have all the food, retail options and lifestyle choices readily available at your fingertips! This is the silent majority, and it’s time to seize our stake. Don’t be left out! Come on, join the bandwagon that everyone else is already on anyway – wouldn’t it feel great to know you’re feeling as bad as you possibly can feel? I’m going to tell you how – for free! There is nothing to purchase, ever! (Except more of the food that is available everywhere.) Why am I doing this, you ask? What’s in it for you, Mark?, you wonder. Well, it’s because this continent has almost caught up to us in the obesity department. And we’re losing our lead in heart disease. This is unacceptable! I won’t stop until our number oneyness is totally beyond what any other nation could ever hope to approach! As promised, this week I’m going to highlight the best, most convenient foods to help us all get sick and die! I would say recipes, but cooking is part of the great vegetable conspiracy as well. Forget cooking – give me convenience! Here are the top three foods to get sick and die. You’ll be surprised to see that they are very common, popular items. They’re very easy to find! But does our biased media ever discuss the wonderful disease-inducing benefits of these fabulous foods? Of course not. Salad pushers. Cheeseburgers. With bacon and extra mayonnaise, please. Try to get at least three packets squeezed in there. And here’s an industry secret: don’t … Continue reading “The Vegetable Conspiracy: Why You Should Avoid Greens at All Costs”
While it’s admittedly not health-related, I feel I must share with my readers the trials and tribulations of creating a blog tagline. It’s gotten to a point where it’s beginning to take a toll on my keyboard, so while no one’s health is being harmed in this painful process, I have to say, I really do miss the E, L, S, V, C and A keys. This entire effort (cue trumpet: Ultimate Tagline), otherwise known as ongoing torture akin to being slowly kneaded to death by your daughter’s cat, has consumed more time than I care to admit. Tell a visitor, in four seconds, what your blog is about and why they ought to read it. Yes, friends, sit-up king Sisson of low-carb healthy living has been foiled by the quest for ten great words. Frankly, I’d rather go back to competing in Ironmans than face the task of writing the Ultimate Tagline. The Bees, Lord bless ’em, sensing my intensity – or maybe just desperation – even started a tagline wiki for all of us to generate a running list of ideas. At this point, I’m considering just making the tagline a hyperlink to the wiki. One of my Bees even took a Personal Day with the simple justification of “the tagline” before dejectedly shuffling home. That, with the lone tear, was too much. I promptly gave her a vacation and a raise. I know it’s fine for a tagline to be matter-of-fact. Simple. Many blogs don’t even have taglines. But the challenge exists; therefore, I must hack it. I present, for your consideration, perusal, and amusement, the evolution of the MDA tagline: [really long list of “exciting!” adjectives] (No one can remember them.) Better than bran muffins. (Oh, wait. Everything is better than bran muffins.) It beats bran. (So does a pestle and mortar.) Will blog for health. (MOTO.) Putting the zing in amazing. (The only thing amazing about this is how lame it is.) Shaking the tree is just the beginning. (…of a really bad tagline.) Health doesn’t have to rock your world to shake your tree. (Focus group says: too Mae West!) Doing my part to p*ss off the self-righteous health establishment! (Health establishment intact, valued viewers offended.) Who got the juice? (I don’t even drink juice.) Get the juice. (Again with the hypocrisy. Sisson, get it together, man!) Do something right. (Such as penning a good tagline, for example.) If you don’t love my blog, I’ll give you an apple. (This could get expensive. There’s the foodborne illness issue with which to contend.) If you don’t love my blog, I’ll hit you with an apple. (Focus group says: too aggressive! I say: I think we can work with it.) Juice. Pucker. Bite. Flavor. (Great. I’ve described an apple.) Welcome to the Primal side of health. (Eden called: they want their archetype back.) Join me in my crusade to take the boredom out of health! (Nearly 500 passionate subscribers now, but is this… crusadery enough?) Doing … Continue reading “Evolution of the Tagline”
The Definitive Guide: Part 1 Get sick and die. You know you need to. The government, dietitians and health experts remind us constantly – you simply can’t get sick and die if you don’t take the appropriate steps! That means logging plenty of hours on the sofa, eating your fill of fast food, and engaging in risky behaviors. But finding the motivation and discipline to get sick and die isn’t easy. You’re not a celebrity with a posse of trainers, chefs and surgeons – you’re one of the millions of Americans desperate to experience your worst, look flabby and feel terrible. You’ve seen the news: tens of millions of Americans are already well on their way to getting sick and dying, yet you’re left out in the cold. What’s their secret? How are you supposed to wade through the avalanche of information to find the absolute worst, sickest, most disgusting lifestyle possible? With a tight budget and busy schedule, I know that’s not always easy – but it can be! You may not be aware, but thousands of restaurants, stores and companies already offer convenient, inexpensive products and services that can help you get sick and die. Why haven’t you heard about this before, you ask? Search no more. Here in this series, for the first time, you’ll get the real information you need, all in easy, clear terms. In fact, you may be surprised at how little you actually have to change in order to get sick and die. It’s really not so hard. No sacrifice. No uncomfortable physical activity, because that would be stressful. No strange pills or healthy supplements – only drugs approved by our government. And of course, no deprivation or starvation. I’ve employed a team of researchers to find the absolute bottom-of-the-barrel, guaranteed-to-sicken recipes, tips and techniques for minimum health results. No guesswork. In fact, no work, period. Here are five clicks to get you started on your way to getting sick and dying in no time! Now before you say, “Gosh, Mark, you must really love me; I too want to get sick and die!” don’t go giving me all the credit. I’m just telling you facts about food, fitness and health that everybody already follows! It’s not just chain restaurants. Even our FDA, federal government and health organizations like the American Diabetes Association support drug use, soda and refined sweets “in moderation”. But what I like most is that these leaders support a sensible, healthy weight range of 30 pounds per inch (Awesome metrics, BMI! It’s genius, is it not?). This is just no-brainer stuff that you will discover you may already know about. Isn’t it a relief to know you can get sick and die with little change to the standard American lifestyle? Obviously we are doing everything right, or we would not be getting sick and dying faster than most other nations! You can help make us #1! 1. Get your omega-3’s! Everyone knows avocados are healthy. Duh. Eat them this … Continue reading “How to Get Sick and Die”
Morning, Apples! Our editor, Sara, pointed out a few great blog conversations going on in regards to fast food restaurants making – or rather, not making – nutrition information available (and subsequently gave herself an assignment!). We all had a lot of fun just now coming up with some not-so-pretty comparisons for this and future Sisson Spoofs. (I blogged about the problem with making nutritional information available in fast food restaurants here.)
After checking out today’s Spoof, I encourage you to join the blogosphere conversation by heading over to the Calorie Lab News and Brian’s Lose Weight With Me blogs. Speak up! I know you’ve got opinions!
The issue at hand: nutritional information inclusion on fast food restaurant menus. I suggest the following visual comparison format so the patrons of America might get a more accurate picture of what they’re about to consume. When everything in the restaurant is high in calories, fat, sugar and sodium, what good does publishing the numbers do? Because if you knew that…
A Big Mac sandwich (540 Calories, 29 grams of fat)
(Jim Frazier Photo)
Was really like 60 deep fried pork rinds…
…then you might think twice.
(Click here for McDonald’s nutrition information.)
Remember when I blogged about KFC’s kick-the-bucket in a previous Spoof? You’ll be glad the Bees are such blog surfin’ fanatics, because this post from Jeff Kay at the Diet Blog is a can’t-miss. Scoot!
Next week’s comparison: What are you really getting when you bite into those avocado egg rolls from the Cheesecake Factory?
Have you gotten to know this little nutrition buddy brought to you by the FDA? If not, I think you ought to reconsider:
– Like many of the processed foods we enjoy in this great country, the exact nature of Labelman’s, er, origin, is difficult to ascertain. Is he a popsicle? A hot dog, perhaps? Maybe a tofu pup? I can’t stand it! I have to know!
– Fans need to know: Does Labelman work out? (If only we could all get muscles like that.) What is Labelman’s favorite shampoo? And is it true that Labelman is courting Zipperedtopgirl?
– Labelman decimates the burgeoning belief that the American government has become cynical and corrupt when it comes to health and nutrition. It doesn’t take a genius to see the level of creative sweat and tears that were clearly poured into this original, inspiring, visually dazzling creation! Like, duh! Even the unique and catchy name – Labelman – belies a sincerity and intensity of concern only our federal government is capable of.
I ask you, dear readers, if the Fuming Fuji met this vision of nutritional inspiration and personality (such brio!), what would happen? The world may soon find out…
Oh, who am I kidding? I’m totally disappointed by this half-hearted offering of nutritional guidance. I’m pretty sure even my pets could come up with something better. I mean, seriously – this is the best they can do with our tax dollars?
I’m feeling a little lost, Apples. My readers know that for over 20 years now, I’ve enjoyed a massive veggie-packed salad for lunch. At this point, the daily Sisson salad is just part of my identity.
So imagine the sense of betrayal – nay, dear readers, bereavement – when I learned that it. has. all. been. for. naught.
The reason I am never eating another salad is because Flat Earth Baked Veggie Crisps are the healthiest thing to come along since, well, plants. These “veggie” and “berry” crisps are just like eating real vegetables!
The brand marketing concept is so extended, it feels like homework: people used to think the earth was flat, just like people used to think that chips couldn’t be healthy. Get it? To help the message hit home, Flat Earth’s logo is a flying pig. Because people used to think chips couldn’t be healthy, because pigs would have to fly first, and…my head hurts. Read the fine print: “Beliefs can change!” says Flat Earth. I find this particularly amusing. A belief certainly can change, if you throw enough money and marketing at it. But beliefs aren’t facts – yet again and again, we act as if they are. Marketers know this.
Pigs don’t fly. Almost the real thing is nothing much at all. My politically incorrect opinion is that there is nothing admirable at all about the desire to create a “healthy” chip. In fact, I think it’s a big, fat ethical cop-out.
I know what some will say: at least it’s better than a regular old potato chip. We all need a few healthy indulgences. Their hearts were in the right place (psst…no they weren’t. Flat Earth is owned by Frito-Lay). Baloney. This is marketing, not health.
I’m so disgusted with this trend of making bad foods kinda-sorta healthy, as if mediocrity is an admirable quality. Compromise might feel nice, but how’s that health philosophy workin’ for us? Uncle Sam says “just try to make half your grains whole”. Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence in humans’ capacity for excellence, guys.
Flat Earth’s Baked Veggie Crisps may not be as ridiculous as 7Up Plus (known formerly as corn syrup and chemicals) or vitamin-enriched children’s “milk ‘n cereal” bars (known formerly as candy and sugary goo). But Flat Earth is not a “one serving exchange” of “real!” fruits or vegetables. A chip is not a vegetable, period. You can add in all the dehydrated stale carrots and tomatoes and berries that you want, but until I see Veggie Crisps growing on trees, I’m afraid I have to agree with their slogan: “Impossibly good”. It is impossible – hey, at least they’re honest!
Achieving great health is a lifelong journey. For me, great health means many things: having energy, being strong and fit, fostering healthy relationships, keeping my brain sharp, and eating nutritious, enjoyable food that helps me prevent major health problems. That’s my recipe, and given the fast-paced nature of life (and Mondays in particular) I think a little dose of humor rounds it out. Having a laugh is one of the best things you can do for your health.
A few gems for your Monday Moment:
“Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can’t remember what they are.” – Matt Lauer
“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.” – Fran Lebowitz
“I work so hard to stay in shape. Whenever I read anything, it says, ‘Consult your doctor before doing any exercise.’ It always says that. Does anybody do that? I kind of think my doctor has people coming in with serious problems. I don’t think I should be calling him and saying, ‘Hi, this is Rita, I’m thinking of bending at the waist.’ ” – Rita Rudner
“A contemporary comforted me with the observation that it’s nice, as one approaches 50, to discover what one wants to be when one grows up.” – George V. Higgins
“He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead.” – Voltaire
“Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.” – Albert Schweitzer
And I couldn’t resist…
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” – Redd Foxx
Occasionally an ad for a new product pops up in my email inbox that’s so ridiculous, I have to share it. Being involved in the health and fitness world for many years, I feel like I’ve seen it all – until the next scam comes along that is so blatantly dishonest, it’s almost funny. Almost – except that innocent people are too often the target of such useless health products.
The latest scam is something seemingly innocuous: water. Yes, water. Who knew water could be improved upon? Well, according to the hydration “experts,” the average bottle of water needs a lot of help. Of course, it’s going to cost you.
I’m not talking about fancy French water or sparkling seltzers. Expensive though such beverages may be, they aren’t making any wacky claims. Water, in just about any form, is beneficial for your health (not to mention necessary for life). The more you drink, the better you tend to feel.
However, there is a cottage industry of designer waters that you should be wary of. These waters typically go by names like penta-water, super oxygenated water, cell water, living water, coherent water … As the old saying goes, truth truly is stranger than fiction.
These water manufacturers all claim the same things in so many words. The basic promise is more potent, better-hydrating, “living” water. If the back of the bottle talks about cellular structures, living versus dead water, ionic processes or oxygenation, run for the nearest public water fountain. It’s quackery at its finest.
My personal favorite? One water manufacturer actually claims to use “platonic solid inversion geometry” to formulate their aqua. (Funny, I don’t remember that being covered in calculus class. I guess it’s new math.)
These water hucksters will go so far as to talk about “vibration” and “frequencies” of water. Of course, any 15-year-old in chemistry class can explain that these terms are irrelevant to drinking water.
As far as oxygenation is concerned, there’s simply no such thing. You cannot “oxygenate” water. You can certainly add extra oxygen during the filtering or bottling process, but you cannot fundamentally change the molecular structure of water. If you do, it’s no longer, well, water. Water is, of course, two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. “Adding” oxygen atoms would mean we’re no longer talking about water.
The “oxygenated” water flooding the store shelves is regular old water with a scientific-sounding name. Swirl a glass of tap water, and you’ll see some oxygenation, too.
Don’t fall for these fake health waters. Water will boost your health, but the latest incarnation will only drain your bank account.