Soft-Serve McNuggets and Hot Doctopus: Together at Last

In the early days of Mark’s Daily Apple we used to have a little fun every now and again by covering ludicrous processed food monstrosities. There was the pizza cone, the deep fried potato on a stick, the deep fried macaroni and cheese ball, the Oreo pizza, and the chocolate chip pancakes and sausage on a stick to name just a few. To call these things “food” is almost an insult to all the natural, whole, real foods that nature has given us. “Junk food” is the go-to term for this garbage, but can’t we do better? How about “synthesnacks”? “Fake-o-food”? “Machine-o-meal”? “Foodraceuticals?” Meh. It needs some work. (Coin your own fake food term in the comment boards.)

Well, we were looking through the archives, feeling nostalgic, and this got us wondering what sort of new crackpot culinary creations are making the rounds on the net.

Here are some of the latest worth a good laugh (or a few tears…):

Super Bowl of Super Junk

Courtesy of

58 Twinkies, 4 bags of chips and nearly 25,000 calories of junk food (synthesnacks?) later the folks at Holy Taco paid homage to the Super Bowl with the ultimate in over-the-top football snack food mania.

For some Primal Super Bowl snack suggestions check out this and this.

They Call it an Octodog, but We Prefer Hot Doctopus

mudfud Flickr Photo (CC)

Hot dogs aren?t any fun unless you?ve sliced them up to look like squid meat! Sure, the nutritional info doesn?t change, but can you face your child?s tears when he throws a fit one day because his actual seafood doesn?t taste like SPAM?

Why Stop at Double?

Courtesy of SeriousEats

This Thai Double Bacon and Cheese Pizza topped with prawns and scallions, with a stuffed crust, and a side of cheese sauce to boot probably doesn’t top the hamburger and hot dog taco pizza, but it sure comes close.

Any Guesses?

Courtesy of BuzzFeed

No, folks. That is not soft-serve ice cream. That is soft-serve chicken. AKA mechanically separated meat. AKA chicken nugget meat.

Because All Foods are Better in a Pressurized Can (and John Tesh endorses it!)

At least it’s got one thing going for it: a catchy tune. “Make a Better Breakfast Faster, Batter Blaster!” Well, that and it’s organic! (Just in case you didn’t read that right, it’s batter not butter.)

Further Reading:

SNL on Taco Town!!!

Crazy Hamburger Mania – The 134 lb. Publicity Stunt

Candy Coated WHAT?

It’s a Fried, Fried, Fried, Fried World

TAGS:  humor

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30 thoughts on “Soft-Serve McNuggets and Hot Doctopus: Together at Last”

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  1. Congratulations. That picture has made me swear off McNuggets for life, as it looks exactly like the phallic demon in the Buffy episode “Doublemeat Palace”.

  2. Ok I thought the mechanically separated chicken was some kind of cotton candy or taffy. Whoa!

    The phallic squids are just plain scary.

    I’ve seen Batter Blaster! They carry it at the local grocery chain where the organic milk and cream is located. Very creepy like Cheez Whiz or Redi Whip. My first thought was how dumb someone had to be to need pancake batter that sprays.

    Off to the farmers’ market day this month to get some real food.


  3. I was eating almonds when I started reading this post. Big mistake. The Chicken McScary squirt–Oh my God!

    I like Franken-food as a term for all this crazy stuff. But, I’m pretty sure I’ve heard or read that term somewhere else…

  4. The chicken nugget meat is seriously disturbing….I totally thought it was ice cream or something before I scrolled down. I’ll remember to look back at that if I’m ever craving fast food

  5. Alright… that chicken nugget cream is absolutely disgusting. We do buy some all natural no hormone all beef uncured hot dogs ($7 a pack!) that are totally ok so the Hot Doctopi are kind of a good idea still!

    The SoG

  6. Now that I’ve looked at them again, the pizza actually looks kinda good.

    There’s another reason not to listen to John Tesh’s music.

    And the fact that the pink chicken nugget goo is being packed in a cardboard box… just really really weird.


  7. I must admit I turned a (non-paleo, obviously) friend onto the Batter Blaster. If you’re onboard with mainstream grain-heavy dietary recommendations and don’t mind a bit of soy, it’s more wholesome than a lot of convenient breakfast options.

  8. I would totally eat that chicken, provided it comes from cage free, never grain fed chickens.

  9. That chicken is NASTY…Can someone tell me what healthy “fast” options there are out there for kids? I can do many things at home, but when we need a quick meal on the go there just aren’t a lot of options. I’ll probably be reprimanded for even saying this on this site, but I got a salad from a fast food restaurant the other day (hey, that’s better than getting fried cheese and a burger!). I wanted to get my kids a healthy option, too, but what is there?

    And, btw, that cheese stuff in a can…pretty disgusting. Never understood how my friends could eat that in high school. Some of them lived off of cheese in a can. Blegh! A friend brought some on a road trip one time and after my husband and I discussed how disgusting it was, she slapped a cracker with some cheese onto the side of his cheek. We laughed so hard, because it stuck to his cheek like glue. He left it there and it stayed on his cheek for the rest of the drive home…oh, only about 3 hours!!!

  10. You could put that chicken in a sugar cone fry the whole thing then dip it in chocolate (like dairy queen) and have yourself a hit at the state fair!

    The SoG

  11. It’s so very sad when celebs pitch and promote very unhealthy crap!

  12. What a different world it would be if resources were put toward growing REAL food rather than poisonous garbage to be labelled as food that later creates tremendous healthcare costs.

    I wonder how many great roasting chickens could be raised on the costs that it takes to make nuggets. Perhaps very few, but at least the end product would be worthwhile.

  13. At first sight i really thought it was some sort of ice cream or frozen yogurt. WOW, Was i wrong! Certainly takes away an appetite in a hurry! I’m speechless in describing how disgusting it IS!!!

  14. That chicken looks disgusting. At least with the other foods I can understand how people would want to eat them. In fact I would probably let myself have them as a cheat meal but the chicken is one step too far.

  15. I forwarded these images to a friend and the subject line was :do you still feed your kids chicken nuggets, and she replied regrding the nuggets: they all don’t use this type of “meat”, it depends where you buy them. OMG! Is there anyone who can give me some “proof” about a nugget being a nugget, or is she correct?

    1. Even if she is right, who does she know which ones? As far as i’m concerned, if the chicked doesn’t peel or string when you pull it appart, its the crap we see above.

  16. Man I had to see what that pink goo was anyways to find out it is the chicken nugget meat at Mcdonald’s not very surprising why I have always called it McPukes. This stuff probably is got just as much sugar as there ice cream though ever taste how sweet those nuggets are and crap the amount of salt as well oh my god. Really I think even living primal we indulge once in awhile and the bacon is great so the pizza sounds good. The super bowl thing was just nasty thinking of the 15000grams of sodium conglomerated on that platter and such. I have always called it junk food but maybe processed funkiness could be a new phrase since this stuff is all processed garbage. Off to enjoy some maushroom caps and escargot have a good one. Owen.

    May this picture keep us from consuming machine seperated anything.

    For kids on the run a good piece of organic fruit or even veggies is a good bet, and you could always make some homemade chicken nuggets and have the made ahead of time?.

  17. Hi Mark,

    Great post that made me reflect on first moving here to Scotland. One of the national “foods” happens to be a deep fried MARS bar. Yup they dunk a candy bar in batter and then deep fry the sucker. NASTY! The Scots will deep fry just about anything. (Massive Heart disease and diabetes rates among the population)

  18. The chicken is disgusting, but it mostly makes me feel sad… for the chickens. There’s no way they weren’t raised in dirt cheap, crowded, deplorable conditions. That’s the biggest reason I hate McDonald’s; all the animals that end up in their “food” HAD to have been treated like garbage from beginning to end. It would cost too much for them not to have been. I eat chicken but only organic, free run at the very least (preferably pasture raised too, but that’s a bit hard to come by sometimes).

    “but can you face your child’s tears when he throws a fit one day because his actual seafood doesn’t taste like SPAM?” That comment made me laugh out loud haha

  19. Battered, deep fried Snickers bars, battered deep fried brownies, and battered deep fried Twinkies have made their way here to the States as well. I saw them on offer at the State Fair this year.
    After seeing that meat I will never again be able to eat another chicken nugget, and I have to second the opinion of whoever it was who pointed out the similarities between that pile-o-goo and the “Doublemeat Palace” demon – that was the first thought that flitted through my mind when I read what it was.

  20. I feel bad for the people who don’t see anything wrong with the “food” in those pictures. But then again, I guess if you’re reading this blog, you would know those foods are a death sentence.

  21. are you sure that is mechanically separated chicken meat? i think the real thing is grey. that picture has been a round the internet once or twice.

  22. Ok so the mechanically separated chicken looks really gross but the other day I overmixed some lamb mince in a blender and it pretty much looked like that (and tasted great when cooked- if a bit strangely soft). So at least we know it probably is just chicken and actually not that amazing.

  23. I have already done the Octopus, been doing it for over 13yrs. I cut them and give them 4 tentacles and then boil them. When you boil them the little legs curl and I sit them on top of a plate of Shells and Cheese for my children. My son is 15 and still loves them lol