Meet Mark

Let me introduce myself. My name is Mark Sisson. I’m 63 years young. I live and work in Malibu, California. In a past life I was a professional marathoner and triathlete. Now my life goal is to help 100 million people get healthy. I started this blog in 2006 to empower people to take full responsibility for their own health and enjoyment of life by investigating, discussing, and critically rethinking everything we’ve assumed to be true about health and wellness...

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June 18 2018

Contest: You Might Be Primal If…

By Mark Sisson
118 Comments

The Prize:

The full collection of Primal Kitchen® Bars…

12 PRIMAL KITCHEN™ Chocolate Hazelnut Bars: The PRIMAL KITCHEN™ Chocolate Hazelnut Bar is the coveted combination of chocolate and hazelnut we all remember and love, and it’s guilt-free to boot. Nutritional bonus: it’s packed with beneficial healthy fats, 15 grams of protein and low in carbs and sugar (only 3 grams). To craft the perfect high-protein, low-sugar bar, we’ve toasted our hazelnuts for sweet aromatic flavor and crisp, crunchy texture, and paired them with unsweetened chocolate.

12 PRIMAL KITCHEN™ Macadamia Sea Salt Bars: Who doesn’t love the distinctly buttery, sweet flavor of macadamia nuts with a hint of sea salt? PRIMAL KITCHEN™ Macadamia Sea Salt Bars were created with Mark’s favorite nut in mind and contain only 12 grams of carbs—the lowest carb bar in the PRIMAL KITCHEN™ lineup!

12 PRIMAL KITCHEN™ Dark Chocolate Almond Bars: Turkish almonds and roasted pumpkin seeds are enrobed in a dark chocolate, chewy, caramel coating with an added touch of coconut for a subtly sweet taste and mightily beneficial impact on your health. All PRIMAL KITCHEN™ protein bars are made with grass-fed collagen protein from Brazil. Collagen has been shown to help improve joint mobility, improve sleep quality, support skin, hair and nail growth, and enhance digestion.*

12 PRIMAL KITCHEN™ Coconut Cashew Bars: What do you get in a PRIMAL KITCHEN™ Coconut Cashew Bar? Monounsaturated fats for heart health, prebiotic fiber for digestive health, plus antioxidants, minerals and 15 grams of protein from grass-fed collagen. That’s more collagen than a cup of bone broth! Cashews, almonds and pumpkin seeds satiate with a nutty crunch, while coconut imbues our bars with a creamy, sweet flavor.

The Contest (an Oldie but a Goodie):

If you were alive in the mid-1990’s, you may remember comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s empire of “You might be a redneck if…” humor. Today I’m looking for “You might be Primal if…” jokes. Think one up and leave it in the comment board.

Examples:

  • You might be Primal if you’ve been banned from your local grocery store for repeatedly violating the “No shirt, no shoes, no service” policy.
  • You might be Primal if you’ve never used an elevator. Ever.
  • You might be Primal if you prefer your apple with worms.
  • You might be Primal if you accidentally broke your neighbor’s second story window with a kettlebell.
  • You might be Primal if every butcher in America can recognize you on the spot.
  • You might be Primal if you measure friends, relatives, and children not by the mettle of their character, but by how far you could throw them.
  • You might be Primal if you’ve started to use Tabata intervals for dish washing, shopping, shaving, and dating.
  • You might be Primal if you make guests take off their shoes before leaving the house.
  • You might be Primal if you measure time by the number of cows you’ve consumed since an event occurred… “When did we take that trip to Portland?” “Oh, that was about 3 cows ago.”

Eligibility:

Anyone in the world can enter, though this prize may only be available to U.S. contestants. In the case of an international winner, substitute prizes of equal value will be shipped.

The Contest End Time:

Tuesday, June 18th, 2018 at Midnight PDT

How the Winner Will Be Determined:

I’ll pick a handful of my favorites and let all of you decide the winner through a reader poll.

Save

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118 thoughts on “Contest: You Might Be Primal If…”

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  1. You might be primal if your only beauty products are made from coconut and avocado!

  2. You might be primal if your partner complains about your farts because you’re eating too many raw onions for the prebiotic fiber.

  3. You might be Primal if your dearest ambition is to travel back in time and give Ancel Keys a good kick in the shins.

  4. You might be Primal if you take your kids to the petting zoo and start salivating.

  5. You might be Primal if you bring a bottle of Primal Kitchen dressing to a restaurant with you and ask to hold the dressing.

  6. You might be primal if you constantly have people commenting on your toe shoes and the fact that you have the calves of a Greek God!

  7. You might be primal if you high-five your toddler when he eats dirt.

  8. You might be primal if your wife’s finger prints through the bacon grease in your cast iron skillet really turns you on.

  9. You might be primal if you have more fun on the playground than the kids do.

    1. You might be primal if you let your child go up the slide, and encourage her more after hearing another mom tell their child, “No, that’s not the right way. Use the stairs.”

  10. You might be primal if your 36 year old friends get invited over to slackline.

  11. You might be primal if you consider coconut oil the duct tape of the health industry.

  12. You might be primal if breakfast is not 7:30am, but rather whenever you break your fast.

  13. You might be primal if you take your dog to the dog park and the dog has to come get you out of your game of fetch when it’s time to leave.

  14. You might be primal if you get dirty looks at the gym when you finish your workout in 10 minutes.

  15. You might be primal if you use your hands to re-season your cast iron cookware after each use with tallow/coconut oil/lard/ghee, run your hands over your face/hair to get rid of the excess, and this constitutes almost the entirety of your day-to-day beauty regimen.

  16. You might be primal if your food has toes, and your shoes do too.

  17. You might be Primal if you eat full-fat, grass-fed yogurt, ground beef, eggs, and goat cheese like they’re going out of style after being vegan for 7 years.

  18. You might be Primal if you work out with your college age children’s friends, because no one your own age can keep up with you.

  19. You might be Primal if your extended family and friends are sick of hearing you talk about health, fitness and nutrition.

  20. You might be primal if you’ve never walked down an aisle in the grocery store

  21. You might be primal if you prefer organ meets over basic non-fatty cuts

  22. You might be primal if your family calls you for medical advice before their doctor…

  23. You might be primal if your Crossfit friend won’t disclose where they get their unpasteurized goat’s milk. ( side note: this is true.)

  24. You might be primal if your child’s lunchbox has its own butter compartment.

  25. You might be primal if you enjoy eating all the fat off the bone of your favorite meat !

  26. You might be primal if your coworkers have written a song about your daily carrot chopping for your big-ass salad.

  27. You might be primal if the best part of traveling is the local health food store.

  28. You might be primal if your vivobarefoot account has more points than your visa account.

  29. You might be primal if you had to buy an extra freezer to store your grass-fed cow share!

  30. You might be primal if you like to roll in the dirt after taking a shower.

  31. You might be primal if instead of a dream home you have a dream cave…

  32. You might be primal if… the only reason you don’t have and use cricket flour is because it’s so expensive.

  33. You might be primal if your kid drinks bone broth out of a sippy cup and their first human word was BAS (parental nomenclature for Big Ass Salad)

  34. You might be primal if you assumed BYOB meant ‘Bring Your Own Butter’

  35. You might be primal if you assumed BYOB meant ‘Bring Your Own Butter’

  36. You might be primal if you work as a floor nurse 12 hour shifts wearing totally flat nonsupport Merrell shoes and not a day goes by when someone inquires, “How do you work in those? Are they comfortable?” I respond, “Yes they are.” (Side note: this is also true.)

  37. You might just be primal if, when you’re getting “gassed up” you pop off 25 squats..

  38. You might be primal if sex with the lights on makes your wife say, “blue blocking glasses … really?”

  39. You might be primal if sex with the lights on makes your wife say, “blue blocking glasses…really?”

  40. You might be primal if your children argue over who gets to gnaw on the bone at the end of dinner.

  41. You might be primal if your 4yo grandchild melts down over not having tomatoes to nosh on at the market…

    You might be primal if same 4yo grandchild looks at his breakfast plate and demands bacon – and blueberries – to accompany his scrambled eggs…

  42. You might be primal (nurse) if you now argue with the cardiologists about giving your patients bacon.

  43. You might be primal if you refer to the hamburger on your plate by the name the farmer gave it.

  44. You might be Primal if you sun your man-bits sans unmentionables.

  45. You might be primal if you got divorced because you replaced your toilets with squat toilets.

  46. You Mightbe Primal if your libido is so high that even the robot in Lost in Space looks hot…

  47. You might be primal if there is a coconut oil jar in every room of the house, bathroom included.

  48. You might be primal if it took you a week to notice that there is no hot water in the shower.

  49. You might be primal if you evaluate by asking ’is this normal or is this natural?’

  50. You might be Primal if you accidentally wear your “my favorite animal is bacon” shirt into a vegan grocery store while looking for vitamin K2 supplements

  51. You might be primal if you talk about it more than a Crossfitter talks about Crossfit.

  52. You might be primal if it takes you less time to scale the outside of a house several stories, to save a kid hanging from a balcony, then it takes for most people to count to ten.

  53. You might be primal if even the vegans get annoyed by the way you talk about food

  54. You might be primal if your son, who is learning to drive, always chooses parking spaces far from the entrance to buildings because that’s been “normal” throughout his childhood.

  55. You might be Primal if you clean out your car and find multiple avocados under the seats in various stages of distress.

    You might be Primal if you can tell how you walk by the blisters on your feet instead of how the soles of your shoes are worn.

    You might be Primal if you think Kerry Gold butter should be its own food group.

    You might be Primal if you refuse to friend people who hate avocados.

    You might be Primal if you regularly mention Grok in conversation.

    You might be Primal if your 10-year-old son understands what the sugar burner roller coaster is.

  56. You might be primal if you’re so tired of telling your co-workers what you’re having for lunch you email them a run sheet a week in advance.

  57. You might be primal if sex with the light on makes your wife say, “blue blocking glasses…really?”

  58. You might be primal if you prefer to chew on a rare grass-fed steak than shop for Jimmy Choos…

  59. You might be primal if, during the holidays, the meaty smell of turkey bone broth wafts through your house rather than cinnamon and cloves.

    You might be primal if the food bar staff at Whole Foods begins re-stocking the smoked meat section as soon as you walk in for lunch.

  60. You might be primal if you’re caught licking your plate at a restaraunt so you get every last drop of goodness and fat–after having eaten the meal with your fingers so you can feel the food better.

  61. You might be primal if you prefer that people cough and sneeze on you for antibodies.

  62. You might be primal if you bring your compost back from vacations.

    You might be primal if you gather all the bones from a family dinner to make broth.

  63. You might be primal if sex with the lights on makes your wife say, “blue blocking glasses…really?”

  64. You might be primal if your child sees a pig and says “Mmmmm – BACON!”

  65. You might be Primal if all of your friends have given up on you because you won’t eat at any of the local restaurants, and you are asleep by the time they go out anyways.

  66. If you get guilty looks from other people when they eat bread… you might be primal.

  67. You might be primal if you go to Costco for the workout you’ll get and not the samples.

  68. You might be primal if your family stages an intervention for your intermittent fasting habit!

  69. You might be primal if you’ve googled “how much coconut is too much coconut?”

  70. You might be primal if your freezer contains a section of glass jars full of bone broth.

  71. You might be primal if you are the 60 year old lady doing squats every half hour outside the toilets during the long haul flight – that’s me!

  72. You might be primal if you fight off the dogs to chew on the rib bones.

  73. You might be Primal if you can’t take public transport without knocking out a set of pull-ups on the hand rails. But never to failure.

  74. You might be primal if your six year old thinks Fruit Loops are called ” des Floo floos” since he first learned about them in French school for art projects.

  75. You might be Primal if your friends/family repeatedly ask you how you look so good and never get tired. Then you tell them how and proceed to watch them ignore you.

    A week later the cycle repeats.

  76. You might be Primal if you eat like a wild animal.

    You might be Primal if you practice stand up paddle.

    You might be Primal if you read Mark’s rationale.

  77. You might be primal if:
    – you assess everything in terms of its ‘evolutionary benefit’;
    – your friends are your family, your family are your friends, and they’re all practically superheroes;
    – your preferred method of settling disputes is either through friendly sparring, or a vicious dance-off!

  78. You might be primal if your 6 year old begins her 1st grade “If you give a dad a donut” in class assignment with: “If you give my dad a donut, he will throw it away because in my family we hate sugar because it makes you have diabeties, canser, and ottoninume disese.” (actual 6 year old spelling for those big words!)

  79. You might be Primal if your wife asked you to pick up some marigold seeds and you told her that butter doesn’t grow on trees.

  80. You might be primal if your new FAVORITE, go to Snack/Food is Collagen.

  81. You might be primal if your eHarmony profile lists ‘Must Love Butter’

  82. You might be primal if your child’s first food was ‘cooked and cooled’ mashed potato seasoned with bone broth…

  83. you might be primal if neighbors randomly show up at your door with the heads, feet, and organs of the livestock/wild game they have just harvested.

  84. You might be primal if instead of deodorant you use the natural scent of the ocean left upon your skin after a morning dip…

  85. You might be Primal if on your birthday the staff card has your face in middle of an avocado.

    You might be Primal when the staff stop asking what your having for lunch.

    You might be Primal if your stomach starts growling when visiting the buffalo park.

    You might be Primal when doing pull ups on oak trees while walking the dog.

  86. You might be primal if you refer to automatic opening doors as the wussification of society.

    You might be supremely primal if you opt to create your own door instead.

  87. You might be primal if you find yourself thinking “Mmmm….dirt” when you’re working in the garden.

  88. You might be primal if all your coworkers and friends wonder how you stay in such great shape when you eat so much “unhealthy, fatty food”.

  89. You might be primal if your only wish at your anual feedback talk with your boss is to get a stand up desk instead of a raise.

  90. You might be primal if you’ve ever dropped from a tree with a sharpened stick between your teeth to pounce on an avocado right before testing your A1C.

  91. You might be primal if you get hungry from looking at the animals at the zoo.

  92. You might be primal if the reply you have to the other moms at the playground after a half hour of progressive calesthnetics while the kids play is I’m. Just warming up!

  93. You might be Primal if your three year old grunts “Eat like a caveman” whenever he eats a big hunk of meat.

  94. You might be Primal if coconut milk whip cream is your idea of fore play

  95. If you’ve stopped eating anything that comes in a cardboard box, you might be Primal.

  96. You may be primal if you belly up to a local bar and ask them what bone broth they have on tap!

  97. You might be Primal if you insist on going second making breakfast, so that you can innocently acquire all that ‘leftover’ bacon fat for your scrambled eggs.