Meet Mark

Let me introduce myself. My name is Mark Sisson. I’m 63 years young. I live and work in Malibu, California. In a past life I was a professional marathoner and triathlete. Now my life goal is to help 100 million people get healthy. I started this blog in 2006 to empower people to take full responsibility for their own health and enjoyment of life by investigating, discussing, and critically rethinking everything we’ve assumed to be true about health and wellness...

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August 31 2009

Contest: You Might Be Primal If…

By Mark Sisson
247 Comments

The Prize:

Brainy and brawny go well together. That’s why today’s sponsor is ThinkGeek, a one stop web shop for the smart masses. Today’s prize is the the Homo Sapiens Caveman Kitchen Tool. Or as I’m re-naming it, the Grok Tool. It pounds. It smashes. It even…grates garlic? Yep, all that and you now have the ability to mercifully end the life of your spear-wounded prey. And whether you win or lose, check out ThinkGeek.com for fun stuff like killer bunny slippers, pice cubes, and previously featured miracle fruit.

The Contest:

If you were alive in the mid-1990’s, you may remember comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s empire of “You might be a redneck if…” humor. Today I’m looking for “You might be Primal if…” jokes. Think one up and leave it in the comment board.

Examples:

  • You might be Primal if you’ve been banned from your local grocery store for repeatedly violating the “No shirt, no shoes, no service” policy.
  • You might be Primal if you’ve never used an elevator. Ever.
  • You might be Primal if you prefer your apple with worms.
  • You might be Primal if you accidentally broke your neighbor’s second story window with a kettlebell.
  • You might be Primal if every butcher in America can recognize you on the spot.
  • You might be Primal if you measure friends, relatives, and children not by the mettle of their character, but by how far you could throw them.
  • You might be Primal if you’ve started to use Tabata intervals for dish washing, shopping, shaving, and dating.
  • You might be Primal if you make guests take off their shoes before leaving the house.
  • You might be Primal if you measure time by the number of cows you’ve consumed since an event occurred… “When did we take that trip to Portland?” “Oh, that was about 3 cows ago.”

Eligibility:

This prize is available to anyone in the world who has ever dreamed of mashing objects with a large chunk of sandstone.

The Contest End Time:

Midnight, tonight!

How the Winner Will Be Determined:

I’ll pick a handful of my favorites and let all of you decide the winner through a reader poll.

Update: With dozens of equally witty and humorous submissions I’ve decided to hold a random drawing for this prize. Check the contest page to see who has won!

To track all the contests visit The Primal Blueprint Health Challenge Contest Page for daily updates.

Visit The Primal Blueprint Health Challenge for challenge details.

If you'd like to add an avatar to all of your comments click here!

247 thoughts on “Contest: You Might Be Primal If…”

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  1. You might be primal if the sight of a grass fed cow makes you more excited than a member of the opposite sex.

  2. You might be primal if your appetite is more roused by the petting zoo than by the funnel cake at the summer county fair.

  3. You might be primal if you stop and pickup roadkill for an afternoon snack.

    1. You might be primal if you ask for a birthday steak instead of a birthday cake.

  4. You might be primal if you look at a “Quadruple Bypass Burger” and think the bun is unhealthy.

    1. Slight variant:

      You might be primal if you look at a “Quadruple Bypass Burger” and think “It’s the Bun that will kill ya”

  5. You might be primal if the sight of a grass-fed T-Bone and a side of butter makes you grunt with joy.

  6. You might be primal if “Low-Fat” is an automatic disqualifier.

    1. Worse yet, when someone says “it’s okay, it’s healthy. It’s lowfat”

  7. You might be primal if when walking to the shops you try to work out the longest way to get there

  8. You might be primal if the kids on the playground would rather play with you than with their parents.

    1. No lie, I dated a girl with two kids that willing to (I wouldn’t let them) blow off an entire day with their bio Dad to hang with me for 20 minutes in the park, cause I actually climb trees barefoot; my nurse aide scrubs be damned.

  9. You might be primal if when other kids were looking for Easter eggs you were looking for the bunny.

  10. You might be primal if you go clubbing for dinner instead of after dinner.

    You might be primal if you see a bag of potato chips and Won’t Eat Just One.

    1. Chips is my nemesis. I have to have some every couple of weeks or so.

      1. Same here. Binged on some corn chips and salsa at a party two weeks ago.

        1. have you tried pork rinds yet?

          Took me several bites to get into them but now they’re great to have around when I “need” something crunchy that’s not a veggie.

  11. You might be primal if you break into a sprint for no particular reason.

  12. You might be primal if your idea of getting fit involves regular naps

  13. You might be a Primal if you see a jogger and your first instinct is to chase it down for dinner

  14. You might be primal if skipping a couple of meals doesn’t bother you.

  15. You might be primal if you bring a fishing pole to Sea World.

    You might be primal if your food “pyramid” looks more like a food Sphinx… a tasty, pastured Sphinx.

      1. That’s me! I save my grass-fed ground beef fat and add it to my venison chili.

  16. Ymbpi the local cat population has suffered since your arrival to the neighborhood.

  17. You might be primal if you commute to work by swinging from tree to tree.

    You might be primal if you and your dog are arguing over who gets the scraps.

  18. If you think the Government’s food pyramid is a crime against humanity, you might be Primal.

  19. You might be primal if you invite friends over for supper, and they ask what’s being served, and you reply “Meat! Oh, and some plants.”

    Bonus points if they nervously ask what *kind* of meat.

    1. *laugh* Yeah, a friend of mine is coming over to dinner tomorrow night, and when we were determining the time, I said “Great, I’ll pick up the steaks on Monday!”

      She asked nervously, “Are we having anything besides steak?”

      (We’re having broccoli beef with cauliflower rice.)

  20. You might be Primal if visitors to your home comment on the souvenir Springbok hide…and you tell them he was delicious 😉

  21. You might also be Primal if they try to hate you at the gym for acting so crazy— but you’re having so much fun they want to play, too.

  22. You might be Primal if: The smoke alarm goes off when you’re cooking a steak, and you hit the “re-set” button.

    With your Mace.

  23. You might be Primal if you spend more money on bicycle tires than you do on gasoline.

    You might be Primal if your workout routine includes chasing your dogs/kids/siblings across the yard.

    You might be Primal if you’ve ever had to share dinner with your cat. (Fun fact: I did. Last night.)

    You might be Primal if your weight rack weighs more than your car.

    You might be Primal if “eating out” and “flashlight tag” mean the same thing to you.

    1. You look like you might be on YPP. May I ask what your handle on there is ?

  24. You might be Primal if an annoyed person tells you to “take a hike” and you do.

  25. You might be primal if you consider the housework to be your workout of the day!

  26. You might be primal if when asked to pick up rice at the market, you bring home cauliflower.

  27. You might be primal if you look for the farther parking spot from the door.

  28. you might be primal if you take off your shirt at every possible occasion

    (if you’re male)

  29. The chicken or the egg? You might be primal if you want both.

  30. You might be primal if you
    knick-knack, paddy whack,
    give a dog a bone,
    then chase it and catch it,
    and then throw it as far as can
    and then brake it and
    suck the marrow out of it
    and…

    (This old man came sprinting home.)

  31. You might be Primal if you consider a coconut that has freshly fallen from a tree as nature’s gobstopper.

  32. You might be primal if no matter how well you explain yourself your friends and family think you’re going to die young from clogged arteries.

  33. you might be primal if conventional wisdom is more terrifying than the bogeyman…

  34. You might be primal if your IQ is higher than your daily carb gram count.

  35. You might be primal if someone asks “What’s for dinner?”, you reply, “Not sure, haven’t caught it yet!”

  36. You might also be Primal if:
    instead of calling Police about your noisy party, they knock politely on the door— to inquire about the howling.

  37. You might be primal if you climb the stairs on all fours, and backwards.

  38. You might be primal if your “inforamation superhighway” is now the path through the forest to deer you’d like to eat!

  39. You might be primal if you prefer your women to have more hair than the animals you hunt.

  40. You might be Primal if your idea of reality TV would be the old computer game “Oregon Trail”

    1. Hey, primal does not mean primitive. Plungers are *very* useful.

  41. You might be primal if the phrase “prime time” makes you think of cuts of meat rather than watching television.

  42. If you start contemplating seasonings when a snake slithers past your bare feet, you might be primal.

  43. You might be primal if you don’t even bother washing your vegetables. Nor peeling your fruit.

  44. You might be primal if… your home gym is made up of slosh tubes, sand bags, tree stumps and rocks rather than a yoga mat and a treadmill.

    You might be primal if… on a first date, when your date mentions she’s vegan, you immediately take her home. (My friend actually did this.)

      1. I guess this has more to do with the fact that she’s raw fed 😉

      2. No, he doesn’t date people he couldn’t see himself marrying, according to him. She was your average grain eating vegan. Once when we went out for dinner, he insisted on frog legs. If he can’t share some sort of animal over a meal, it might kill him hehehe.

  45. You might be Primal if:

    Instead of flowers, your boyfriend brings you half a Goat. And a large rock.

    or if…

    Your kitchen has, even briefly, resembled the set of, “Dexter”.

  46. You might be primal, if you don’t join primal contests.

    Sorry to spoil the party – I enjoyed MDA for a long time, but for me the posts and contest machinery of this month seem to be more adequate for a religious sect who needs self-affirmations than for people who just like information to stay healthy.

    1. If you don’t enjoy it here, go back to your own cave.

      Or I will throw a big rock at you 😉

    2. You might be primal if you can have fun doing silly things – like goofy contents – that “serious” people would find errelevant and irritating.

    3. To each his own, JD. I hope you’ll come back in coming weeks once the contests are over and we get back into the swing of our regularly scheduled content. Cheers!

  47. You might be primal if you’re buying eggs and you wonder if four dozen is enough for the week.

    You might be primal if your co-workers can complete your lunch order for you – “… and he’ll want extra beef with that”

    You might be primal if your house smells vaguely of bacon.

    You might be primal if you’ve invested in a bacon press.

    You might be primal if you eat the fattiest part of the meat first – just to be sure you’re getting enough fat.

    You might be primal if your friends keep asking where you got all those muscles. And you’re 50.

  48. You might be primal if you’ve traded wine tasting for olive oil tasting.

  49. You might be Primal if you discover that, while your back was turned to fry up some eggs to go with breakfast, your 3-year-old consumed an entire stick of butter and half a side of uncured bacon…and, instead of scolding him, you felt strangely proud of your little Grok’s feat (true story!).

    1. Awesome!

      Before I had “discovered” MDA and PB, I was making cookies with a preschooler… she asked to lick the butter wrapper and I told her not to – that butter was an ingredient, not a food.
      Gosh, I wish I could go back and change things on that day…

  50. You might be Primal if, while assisting with surgery, the sight of blood makes you hungry for a rare Porterhouse steak.

  51. You might be primal if “going to the gym” means going out to the large rocks in your backyard.

  52. YMBPI- YOu have declared war on Conventional Wisdom and you are trying to recruit footsoldiers.

  53. YOU MIGHT BE PRIMAL IF YOUR AT HOME WITH NO REAL FOOD SO YOU TURN TO YOUR BELOVED PETS IN SEARCH OF MEAT.

  54. You might be primal if you hide baggies of nuts and jerky from yourself in order to recreate the hunt.

  55. You might be primal if you have no idea what is in the center isles of a grocery store.

  56. You might be primal if seeing “healthy” sugar-loaded food makes you feel sick, but still-bleeding meat makes you hungry.

  57. You might be Primal if you are annoyingly energetic

    You might be Primal if you wrestle your dog for meat

    You might be Primal if you say “Grok on” to all your friends

  58. You might be primal if you find yourself cutting up raw liver for sauteed liver and onions, only to discover you eaten more than half of it as you get ready to throw it in the pan to cook.

  59. You might be primal if your workout is everyone else’s warmup

    1. Oops I meant You might be primal if everyone else’s workout is your warmup

      1. No, if you’re doing HIIT or Tabata intervals, your workout *might* be everyone else’s warmup! It works both ways.

  60. If you’ve ever traded your desert for your date’s steak at a restaurant, you might be primal

  61. …if 90% of your home improvement store visits are to make exercise equipment and NOT for home improvements.

  62. You might be Primal if 70% cocoa-dark chocolate-covered-bacon is your idea of a healthful snack.

    You might be Primal if you get your water from a filtered tap instead of from a bottle.

    You might be Primal if your doctor considers your wonderful lab values miraculous, considering your diet.

    You might be Primal if you don’t just take your kids to the playground but play with them on the jungle gym.

    You might be Primal if you would never think to drive anywhere that’s less than two miles away (or five, or ten…).

  63. You might be primal if you scrap your kitchen cabinets and install a walk-in cooler (with meat hooks), a freezer, and your floor now has a drain.

  64. You might be Primal if:

    Your new favorite appetizer is a 24-hour IF.

  65. You might be primal if the most stressful thing in your life is the imaginary sabre-tooth tiger that lives in your basement …and what the neighbors think when it chases you to work in the morning.

  66. You might be primal if:

    A Nation Geographic reporter has to discover you and explain why he/she is watching you from afar, explain his/her fancy clothes(explain a whole lot really using pictures because you can’t read or understand the language). You then end up on Good Morning America the next week explaining (in pictures) why you look so healthy and fit. Then you eat everything in sight while in NYC and get so fat and diseased that everyone loses their interest in you!! You then make it on the Jerry Springer show the next week and eventually become so distraught you head back home. After a month of living in your old ways you lose the weight and look great again. The next week you see another National Geographic reporter looking at you from afar and club him/her instantly. This is being videotaped by-the-way. You end up with a name….Yeti.

  67. You might be Primal if you think our healthy diet is killing us

  68. You might be primal if you find yourself in the woods fighting the bear…and enjoying it… for who gets to pick those wild blackberries.

  69. if you cook your broccoli on bacon fat … you might be primal

    if you cant wait for your next 24h fast … you might be primal

    if your the reason for all the missing cat posters in the neighborhood … you might be primal

    if Mark’s Daily Apple is you new home page … you might be primal

    if you don’t wash or peel your fruit and veggies cus “a little dirt might be good for you” … you might be primal

  70. You might be primal if your boyfried/girfriend have to sneak Wonder Bread and Twinkies behind your back to avoid the long lectures.

  71. You might be primal if you prefer “fest food” over fast food.

  72. You might be primal if you come to a family reunion with your own personal Tupperware and don’t notice weird looks anymore.

    1. Guilty as charged. Though I’m still getting strange looks. “You brought WHAT to our vegan meal?!”

  73. You might be primal if you just washed your undershorts at the river while hunting down your dinner!

  74. you might be kinky if you are currently imagining the ways in which the “Homo Sapiens Caveman Kitchen Tool” could second as a flogger. lol!

    1. LOL! How many calories DO you burn when you flog someone, anyway? Just substitute raquetball? 😉

  75. You might be primal if your doctor thinks you are a waste of time.

  76. You might be primal if you cook everything in bacon fat.

    You might be primal if your dessert has more fat and fewer carbs than a Jenny Craig dinner.

    You might be primal if everyone stares at you at the gym.

    You might be primal if your lunch causes people to question how you can eat so much dietary fat and have so little body fat.

  77. You might be primal if you are barefoot, but you feet are so dirty people think you are wearing shoes.

  78. You might be primal if people wonder what all the strange ingredients are in your cupboards.

    You might be primal if you make sure the animals you eat have eaten well, too.

    You might be primal if you look at household and barn chores as ways of exercising primally.

    1. One might be and very likely is primal if
      1.You have beyond lustful thoughts about a cashier..preferably but only(if in Rome) of the opposite sex.
      2.One is preapred to go a few days sans a shower and basking in the radiance of ones under arm whiff.
      3.One is deeply Unconcerned by the roughly 5 pounds of feces we eat each and every year in our foody
      4.We’re all primal in myriad ways,we don’t honour that again in myriad ways and thats a reasonable part of our problem.

  79. You might be primal if it suddenly seems like a good idea to grow all your own veges and get some chickens… and do you think the neighbours would mind if we got a cow?

  80. When you are at your favorite steak house and the person at the table next to you orders “the biggest T-Bone they have, hold the potato” you silently think to yourself “Grok On”, then you might be primal.

  81. You might be primal if you have trouble finding clothes in your size at the store, but there are plenty of XXLs to choose from.

  82. Your 4-year-old might be primal if she tells the neighbors she doesn’t want a popsicle, of her own accord!!

    And, you might be primal if you have the stamina to read through all of these jokes! LOL. What a huge list!!

    1. My 5 year old brother does that with the sample ladies at the grocery store. He says it “has soy” or “MSG” in it. He’s been doing this as long as he’s been able to talk.

  83. If the TV commercials touting the “health benefits” of the processed food they are hawking fill you with indignation…you just might be primal.

  84. You might be primal if you say lick my five fingers instead of kiss my ass.

  85. You might be Primal is you overhear others talking about a “snack with a creamy filling” and all you can imagine is a cow femur crammed full of marrow.

  86. You might be primal if when you forget a fork, you don’t hesitate to continue eating with your fingers.

  87. You might be primal if you wonder why anyone would want to buy something low-fat.

  88. Okay, one more…

    You might be primal if you start wondering if you can run down the neighbor’s dog.

  89. You might be primal if your favorite bookmarks are MarksDaily.com, Son of Grok, Paynowlivelater and Crossfit.com and always checking Twitter to see what other Primal Blueprint Groks are eating for that day! 😉

  90. You might be primal if you’re frustrated by the “doorstep gifts” the cat leaves…simply because they’re never enough for a meal.

  91. If you use the the hotdog bun at the ballpark as your plate, you might be Primal.

  92. You might be primal if…
    your stove resembles outdoor’s hotrocks.

    You tell the waiter you want your steak bloody as hell.

    You don’t wear boxers or breifs by hanes, instead you wear loin cloths by grok.

  93. You might be primal if everyone complains about the noise the cicadas make and you can only think “hmm, good harvest this year”.

    You might be primal if your girlfriend says “aw, what a cute bunnie” and you think “oh, what a delicious appetizer”.

    You might be primal if you get a field guide to edible plants becase your local market “doesn’t have enough selection”.

    You might be primal if you see a flock of wild geese in a field and you wonder how many you can catch before they fly away.

    You might be primal if when you see a product labeled “now with more fiber” you laugh; scaring the other shoppers.

    You might be primal if you hassle someone who buys a low fat avocado. (http://www.brookstropicals.com/)

    1. HAHAHA I was picnicking with my husband and there was a flock of geese… I asked him if we could catch one for dinner. He said no. 🙁

  94. You might be primal if going to the company picnic means not eating for three hours.

  95. You might be primal if:

    …you’ve ever made a list of all the different animals you’ve eaten. Bonus points for including different species of insects that you’ve eaten.

    You might be a primal college student if:

    …you’ve tried to figure out how to cook chicken, hamburger, etc in a microwave.

    …you steal spinach/lettuce from the salad bar at your school cafeteria to snack on while you’re finishing that paper you put off until the night before it was due.

    …you’ve made a list of all the restaurants that offer delivery/takeout in your town that have primal options (salad, etc).

    …instead of sneaking your own candy/soda into a movie, you sneak in bacon.

    …when eating in the cafeteria, you take three grilled chicken sandwiches and throw away all the buns.

  96. You might be primal if you would buy the cow even if you got the milk for free!

  97. You might be primal if you think playgrounds are for adults too, not just kids.

      1. Our local playground becomes an adult playground at night after the clubs close: it fills up with drunk people reliving their youth!

  98. Got some more for ya.

    You might be Primal if you have “Korg pants” for the days you’re feeling a bit pudgy.

    You might be Primal if your fight-or-flight instincts are activated by the Weight Watchers logo.

    You might be Primal if you go to the local steak house, order the biggest steak they have, then complain that it isn’t rare enough.

  99. you might be primal if you think that fast food is the herd of antelope that is sprinting away from you…

  100. …you might be primal if you hear that someone has been sentenced to death row and you wonder what bakery they have been confined to…

  101. You might be primal if tourists snap photos of you walking around town.

    You might be primal if you think pork fat is the other white meat.

  102. You might be primal if your coworkers gather just to watch you eat.

  103. You might be Primal if you now use your treadmill for deadlifts.

    You might be Primal if your kids beg you to go home because they’re tired out, but you’re still playing on the jungle gym.

  104. You might be primal if you have made a salad dressing out of lard!

  105. You might be primal if instead of swatting at the bugs that come at you, you crunch them in your hands and toss them with your salad!

  106. You might be primal if the local butcher drops off all this waste in your carport.

  107. You might be primal if you ask your husband to drag you to bed by your hair!

  108. You might be primal if you pick your teeth with your chicken leg bone!

  109. You might be primal if you find that you like to beat your chest after HIIT!

  110. you might be Primal if your “sole” is made of kangaroo skin…

  111. If instead of milk and bread, you stockpile bacon and eggs before a snow storm…you might be primal.

    If people hate you because you eat what you want, when you want, have fun while “working out”, actually enjoy living life, and you’re body is so damn sexy. . .you might me primal.

  112. You might be priimal if you fight your dogs for the steak bones.

  113. You might be primal if you think mud is a great sunscreen.

  114. You might be primal if you stole all your husbands PVC piping to make a slosh pipe!

  115. You might be primal if you robbed your kids sandbox to make a Bulgarian training bag. Hee hee

  116. You might be primal if, at the gym, people stop, watch and compare you to a monkey.

    (This happens to me pretty often. . .usually while doing muscle ups on the pull up bar)

  117. You might be primal if you ask Santa for Kettlebells, Vibram five fingers and a smoker.

  118. If you sold your ’57 Chevy because it had a carb, you might be primal

  119. You might be primal if the phrase “leave the cave, kill something and drag it back” is not a metaphor.

  120. You might be primal if you kiss a frog and have her for dinner.

  121. You might be Primal if you get excited when you crack an egg and get a double yolk! Double Yolk!!!!! w00t!

  122. You might be primal if the only juice you drinks comes from a clam.

    You might be primal if “5 a day” means chicken, beef, offal, fish, and pork to you.

  123. You might be primal if you get all your vegetables from your meat.

  124. You might be primal when somebody tells you the butter you’re using is going to make you fat, you make sure to add a couple more pats of butter… then flip it over to the other side and do it again.

    (True story…)

  125. You might be primal if you’re fasting because you failed to kill something for dinner.

  126. You might be primal if You believe that the metallic/blood taste in your mouth after the WOD is a GOOD THING.

    You might be primal if while mowing your yard you find a kettlebell and a medicine ball.

  127. You’re definitely primal primal if

    …you wear bones or teeth from kills on a necklace.

    …you scratch marks after successful hunts on your walls.

    …you’ve clubbed something live with the intention of eating it.

    …you smell animal feces while hiking and lick your lips because you know your dinner recently walked by.

  128. You might be primal if you think people are silly for weighing and measuring their food in order to eat well: Grok didn’t have measuring cups or scales!

  129. You might be primal if your aquarium doubles as a menu.

    You might be primal if you think P.E.T.A stands for People for the Edible Treatment of Animals

    You might be primal if you think “Save the Whales” means “…for dessert”

    You might be primal if when someone says”Whats eating you?” you think, “Nothing,…I’ll eat it first”

  130. If your idea of fast food is something you have to run after.. you might be primal

  131. You might be primal if Sept. 2nd 2009 is your Day 1, Month 1, Year 0 after the 30-day challenge.

  132. If Geico commercials turn you on… you might be primal.

    If you consider the Karamojong Tribe to be far too advanced for your liking…you just might be primal.

  133. You might be primal if you got another weight kit (kid?) so you and your SO could both have one to work out with!

  134. You might be primal if you’v been arrested for stalking small animals in your park using the Grok crawl

  135. You might be primal if you walk past a bag of chips and soda and open a bag of jerky and a cup of good old water.

  136. you might be primal if: your neat freak relatives ask you to put your shoes on before you walk into their house

  137. You might be primal if you have a love/hate relationship with all the bacon grease splatter stains on your clothes.

  138. You might be primal if you love chewing on bones and cracking them for the marrow after your meal and consider that to be dessert!

  139. You eat grassfed liver for breakfast
    you get your salad from your backyard, barefoot, and don’t wash it before you eat it