9 Overlooked Stipulations in the Health Care Reform Bill

While preexisting conditions and required coverage have taken the main stage on the health care reform bill, many of the smaller changes hold just as much weight in the future of America’s health. These changes and additions have been largely ignored by mainstream media despite several billion dollars allocated to new preventative care initiatives.

Additionally, the bill includes some surprising fine print regulations. Most regulations won’t take effect immediately, but the sum of so many new laws and restrictions could cause major repercussions on our system over the next several years.

Finally, while the bill is certainly heavy on spending, there are several programs included to reduce overall health care costs, but such programs appear highly unorthodox on a first reading. The Worker Bees and I have combed through thousands of pages of minutiae to find nine lesser known stipulations, clauses, regulations, and programs in the new bill.

1. Emergency Lap-Band treatments covered under government-offered insurance plan.

Lap-Band surgery has been credited as a legitimate and necessary procedure in certain situations and will be covered entirely under state and government assisted plans. Because many pundits claim the procedure is unnecessary, the surgery will be reserved for patients who have already exhausted conventional forms of weight loss such as eating low fat foods and running on a treadmill.

2. Insurance documentation course to be added to elementary education.

To prepare youngsters for future medical decision making, all public elementary schools will be required to teach an insurance documentation course to fourth grade students. Children will learn how to read insurance jargon and how to navigate through red tape when denied treatment for the first time. Additionally, students will learn life-practical skills such as how to pressure a PCP into prescribing the most heavily advertised medications, and what to pack into an emergency kit in case of total medical system failure. The insurance course will replace elementary physical education.

3. Indigestible feces content in CAFO beef to be eradicated.

Due to recent public outcry over meat and poultry production standards which permit “acceptable” levels of feces in market meats, a new policy will reduce the allowable feces content in CAFO beef to 0% by the year 2014. While eliminating feces from CAFO-raised products is impossible, a 73 million dollar stipend has been awarded to Monsanto to genetically modify cows to produce nutrient dense, flavor-rich, digestible feces. Incorporating the genetically modified, safe cow waste into meat would completely bypass all feces restrictions. The digestible feces should hit fans by 2012.

4. Statins approved for general consumption, given the go-ahead as a food additive.

Many popular cholesterol-lowering medications have been approved for public mass consumption. Over the next three years, statins will be used as food additives to regulate foods that would otherwise raise cholesterol. Kraft already has plans for a Stat’n Mac’n Cheese. And Pfizer and Baskin-Robbins are currently working together to produce 31 statin-filled flavors of ice cream by 2011.

5. USDA Food Pyramid replaced with Food Trough.

Due to rising complaints about the archaic food groups included in the traditional USDA food pyramid, a new “food trough” has been designed to adequately reflect modern foods and eating habits. Rather than a pecking order of specific food groups, the trough appears as a swill of ingredients, traditional foods blended with chemically reduced corn byproducts. The imagery of the old “pyramid” diagram was confusing, often leading Americans to believe food was something to be climbed rather than something to stick one’s face in. Additionally, the new trough design allows for future food group discoveries and foods that do not easily lump into particular groups such as binding gums, preservatives, and hot pockets.

6. Bacon tax.

Working under the common knowledge that bacon is unhealthy, a twenty seven cent tax will be attached to each strip of bacon sold after May 18, 2010. The bacon tax could net over 14 billion dollars in the first five years, though 80% of that revenue will be set aside to bolster police and security forces for the impending May 19 bacon riots.

7. 42 Million dollars allotted to reduce the growing number of celebrity fad diets.

With over 70 outbreaks of celebrity fad diets in 2009 (up from 63 in 2008), Congress has implemented a series of regulations and initiatives to reduce the number of celebrity fad diets by as much as 40% by the year 2014. A fad diet hotline will be established for celebrities who have suffered from a recent bout of lemonade/cayenne fasting, and all new celebrities will be required to sign an “I will eat more than cabbage soup” pledge. Gwenyth Paltrow alone is being paid 2.3 million dollars to “eat normal” for a period of three years. And Kirstie Alley has been legally restricted from creating any more reality television shows.

8. Easy Cheese abolished.

In what is being hailed as one of the few non-partisan stipulations of the bill, Easy Cheese has been reclassified as a level 5 narcotic and will now only be available by prescription.

9. “No Child Left Behind” replaced with “No Child Left Unmedicated”.

Under the new plan, school nurses will be replaced with a system of self-serve procedures and medications available to elementary students based on classroom achievement. Students will be expected to use the knowledge gained from the earlier mentioned insurance documentation course to fill out all necessary application material for proper self-medication.

Tell everyone what you think about these stipulations in the comment board. Happy April 1st!

TAGS:  Big Pharma, humor

About the Author

Mark Sisson is the founder of Mark’s Daily Apple, godfather to the Primal food and lifestyle movement, and the New York Times bestselling author of The Keto Reset Diet. His latest book is Keto for Life, where he discusses how he combines the keto diet with a Primal lifestyle for optimal health and longevity. Mark is the author of numerous other books as well, including The Primal Blueprint, which was credited with turbocharging the growth of the primal/paleo movement back in 2009. After spending three decades researching and educating folks on why food is the key component to achieving and maintaining optimal wellness, Mark launched Primal Kitchen, a real-food company that creates Primal/paleo, keto, and Whole30-friendly kitchen staples.

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237 thoughts on “9 Overlooked Stipulations in the Health Care Reform Bill”

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  1. This post is going to heat up a lot of people. Obama is bankrupting this country. Off to Australia!

      1. You had me for a first few…I was really gonna check the price of bacon next month!! Boo hiss!


        1. Who said Australia is any better. Not only is our new government also bankrupting Australia, but they are also currently trying to censor the internet even though 95% of the population is against it!

    1. Please stop reading rightwing nut blogs. This health care bill is 100% for the common family.

      1. And if you believe that, I’ve got a bridge to sell you…

        The orignial bill was authored by a former Wellpoint VP. An almost identical plan was proposed by AHIP in 2009 (guess who they represent?).

        In other words, it’s a corporatist scheme, through and through.

      2. Indeed! It’s very hard for me (a European) to understand whát problem some Americans have with a health insurance system for common people. Jeez!

        1. “It’s very hard for me (a European) to understand…”

          That’s why Europe is the home of a bunch of second-rate, has-been, Socialist-style nations that suffer from a serious case of power-envy when it comes to the USA…because you don’t understand. You can’t understand why we don’t embrace your Marx-lite political-economic world view, why we don’t want to be like you and give up more and more of our Liberty and Property to the State.

          BTW, is that KoolAid you guys on the Continent are drinking sugar-free? 😉

      1. They have private health insurance as well for people who don’t like waiting for procedures or dealing with the public health system.

      2. Australia has universal health care and private health insurance for people who can afford “better care”. After Obama’s changes the US will have a health care system comparable to Australia’s in 1979.

        1. The joys of living in Australia. Public health cover is excellent for anything standard, and then private cover (whice is affordable) is great for physio, dentistry, podiatry and all that fun stuff

        2. “After Obama’s changes the US will have a health care system comparable to Australia’s in 1979.”

          And mandatory.

  2. Ha! Unfortunately, even though I realized it was an April Fool’s joke, I was thinking that some folks in Congress would shift money to promote creation of digestible feces; why not? They spread money around for other [email protected] all the time!!

    1. LOL I know. “Digestible feces?” Isn’t that another name for what the government is already feeding us? 😛

  3. YAY!!! the abolition of Easy Cheeze. I will be participating in the Bacon Riots. Which of course will lead to Bacon Parties and the formation of the Bacon (political) Party…

  4. I was getting worked up over this.. Then I realized April Fools!

    Then I realized that it’s probably not that far off in the future…

    1. Yep, I was totally hoodwinked until the last sentence in #3 – hoodwinked, and shocked/outraged. That’s when April Fools kicked in for me, too… nice one Mark/Bees!

  5. I am still secretly still wishing that Obama is just a mean and cruel April Fools joke…

      1. Bush started a couple of wars for no reason, reduced us to torture, continued handing the country over to corporations, bankrupting us, shredded the constitution and our rights, etc. But NOW you’re up in arms. Wow.

        1. Haha i know, right? “Obama is going to bankrupt this country.” Umm… I think those three trillion dollars we owe China were lost on W’s watch…

        2. The *nutjobs* are the ones on this blog who actually think there’s a difference between Bush/Obama and Republicrats/Democrans. Wake up people.

        3. haha yeah mt beaver….bush and Clinton are butt buddies for Haiti now…rich people look after other rich people…there are only two parties. Rich and Normal to poor. Obama is just cutting out the middle class and finalizing the mess they started.

        4. *sigh* the war in afghanistan had a pretty good reason; we didn’t torture, as that word has been understood for the last couple hundred years; the obama annual deficit will be as much as the debt he inherited; the constitution is still there and in full force.

          stop polluting mark’s great website w/ bad information. plenty of places for you to vent your anti-bush spleen.

          unless your post was an april fool’s post, to which I say – well played sir, well played.

        5. Also agreeing with Mountain Beaver. And seriously, as easy as it is to blame our president for everything, give the Senate and Congress their fair share of it.

        6. Congratulations, you have accurately described every President of the modern era.
          Now go buy yourself a cookie.

        7. cookies aren’t on the Primal Blueprint(tm) diet. you should change that to go buy yourself a coconut macaroon.

    1. If that Republican ticket was in office- Nobody would have a job right now. Can’t wave a flag and lie to the public and think that will do any good.

      1. Every President lies.
        That’s how they convince you to think they are different from anyone else.
        If you know anything about politics, you know that both parties are nearly identical.. How else do you think elections are so close? Because America is somehow divided completely in two EXACTLY? No.
        On a side note.. Obama has failed to keep unemployment rates down, so I fail to see your point anyways. Actually he has failed on about every front so far.

    1. Aye, I must agree. The government shall fall, for the common man shall not be overpowered with his overflowing rage, determination, and bacon-lust.

  6. “Many popular cholesterol-lowering medications have been approved for public mass consumption. Over the next three years, statins will be used as food additives to regulate foods that would otherwise raise cholesterol. Kraft already has plans for a Stat’n Mac’n Cheese. And Pfizer and Baskin-Robbins are currently working together to produce 31 statin-filled flavors of ice cream by 2011.”

    April Fools!

    But, I wouldn’t be too shocked should such a thing come to pass…

    1. Hey, there are MDs in the UK who want to add statins to the water supply.

    1. A tax on “fatty foods” has been discussed for quite some time. Don’t be surprised that one day you’ll pay a tax on bacon and 70/30 or even 80/20 hamburger.

  7. “The surgery will be reserved for patients who have already exhausted conventional forms of weight loss such as eating low fat foods and running on a treadmill.” Priceless!

  8. when i read the line about the bacon i was about to start rioting right here in my home office. I kinda doubted though that the government was actually going to try to educate our children that seemed a little out there even for them.

  9. Ah!! You got me! I was getting all worked up over the audacity of such provisions being allowed..when I too realized it was April’s Fool.

  10. The sad thing is how many people will read these and believe them.

    The sadder thing is how many think these are all fantastic ideas that must be implemented as quickly as possible.

    1. When you have Barak Obama as your president it is not sad when someone believes it.

      Actually it is sad… because it makes you realize that Obama is truly “changing” America…

      1. Todd, this was just a funny April fools joke. Let’s just concentrate on health and save our political feelings for other blogs.

        1. Amen. One of the great things about MDA is the civility and lack of political “discussion.” There are a multitude of other sites for that. Let’s focus on what we have in common here . . .

      2. Can we stop with the Obama hate for ONE %&^%$#* DAY PLEASE?! Your side lost. Sorry it was to a brown-skinned guy with a funny name. Put on your big boy underpants and deal with it.

        And they can tax bacon all they want, I’ll be over here with my sausage. 😉

        1. Sure, but how about if we also stop with the “if you don’t like Obama’s policies it’s because he’s not white”?

        2. Quit smearing anyone who disagrees with your politics as a racist.

  11. Hilarious! I got to the “food trough” before it hit me. Scarily, the first four weren’t all that unbelievable. And sign me up for the “Bacon Party” right now.

  12. Mark – it’s been awhile since you pulled our leg, but this is a good one for sure!

    I especially like this one: “73 million dollar stipend has been awarded to Monsanto to genetically modify cows to produce nutrient dense, flavor-rich, digestible feces.”

  13. I think the item in #2, replacing physical ed with the insurance documentation course, was a pretty good clue…

    1. Considering some of the things our gov’t has done, that one didn’t shock me :/

      I didn’t realize it was a joke till, the USDA trough.

      I have no doubt they would brain-wash replace Phys Ed with indoctrination. I mean look at ‘nutrition’ classes. Where you get to learn that fat is evil and whole wheat is a ‘good source of fiber.”

  14. I think we’ve pretty much already arrived at #9. Of course, a bacon tax would definitely result in a VFF-clad Grok march on Washington! LOL

      1. And a strong economy, excellent public health care, and a government that even though Conservative is more open minded than many Democrats. Taxes work when the public actually benefits from them.

        Yes, I am Canadian.

        1. All said with a smile of course! I just re-read that and it ‘sounds’ rather un-neighbourly! I was trying to channel the beer commercial there at the end…somehow it doesn’t translate


  15. Mark,
    Now that you sent my jaw to the floor, how do you plan on picking it up tomorrow?

  16. haha!! I nearly bought it…
    I liked the “nutrient dense, flavor-rich, digestible feces” part

  17. lmao @ bacon tax. That would be every primal follower’s worst nightmare! Pretty sure I’d be bankrupt in a day or two.

  18. I had to read the part on educating 4th graders twice before I was certain LOL. And then only because it was “replace physical education with”!

    Though I DO rather wish schools would teach a class on real-life skills – like making a budget, planning a dinner party, understanding the mortgage process, and other basic legal/financial stuff that you come across later, writing a business plan, etc. Just a few that come to mind, there are plenty more that I am ensuring my kids know at age-appropriate levels!

    1. I think a “real life skills” course would be a GREAT idea as well! You could combine it with the mandatory typing class. (Are those still necessary? Or do kids just pop out of the womb knowing how to type?)

      1. I always look back fondly at my typing class back in 1989. It was the most useful class I took for sure.

        As far as kids already knowing how to type when they pop out, I’m not sure about that, but I am convinced they know to text though!

    2. This is one of the current problems in our society. We feel that it is up to someone else (government, daycare, friends) to teach our children the skills they need to succeed. Please people teach your kids what they need to know and don’t leave it up to the school or government.

      1. Indeed, I am one of those “literal” people so I didn’t realize till the food trough part either. I know a lot people are hurting right now, example:GM has cut all of it’s retired blue collars health care… in turn, ruined many people who depend on medications, while no health care is fine for people who are younger and hopefully healthier. The older population is a much worse boat. I hope in the long run this bill will aid all people, but change is rough on a small or big scale. I love the recipes this site offers and wanted to say AWESOME job. ^_^

    3. real-life skills

      Isn’t that what home-ec used to be? And of course they can’t replace phys-ed with anything. That implies that most schools still have phys-ed.

  19. I was disappointed when I first read this as I was expecting some kind of April Fools post. Once they started talking about fourth graders pressing a primary care physician into getting their way though, I became dubious, and by the bacon tax I was convinced. Such a measure would’ve provoked a serious response.

  20. Loved it! I got to the last sentence of #2 before realizing it must be an April Fools joke, because there is no WAY they’ll get rid of phys ed (aka Torture, for some of us back in the day). I was pretty convinced they would ACTUALLY be teaching fourth graders how to fill out insurance forms. And kind of thought it was a good idea. 🙁

  21. What does it say about this government that most of these are at least plausible? Nothing good, that’s for sure.

    1. Actually it shows how people are so gullible and easily manipulated once their trust has been gained. Think about it. Mark already has your trust. Why else read his blog or buy his books? So when he does something like this, even if its weird ( why did some of you take so long to see it was a hoax?), you doubt your instincts because you don’t think Mark would lie to you.

      This is how opinionators make their money. You trust them, you don’t question them, and you wind up believing the craziest stuff.

      1. Allison W… you are correct. The only people who would find this stuff “plausible” are right wing, mouthbreathing, Glenn Beck watching idiots. Seriously, if you read this and thought it was “plausible”, then you really need to re-tool your critical thinking.

        1. If you and your left-leaning associates are so intellectually superior than those who are politically and economically conservative, than why is it you continue to engage in character assassination and name calling? “Mouthbreathing”? “Idiots”? Honestly, is that the best you can muster? Can’t you please provide a rational, logical defense of socialist-style principles?

          And, no, referring to the current Congress and Administraion as Socialist is not name calling, it is an accurate characterization of where their policies are taking this great nation…taking over the means of production…the auto industry, banking, health care, student loans. What’s next? When individual liberty, property, and autonomy are sacrificed for and made beholding to the supremacy of the State, that is the road to Socialism. And that is exactly where we are today…on the road to a Euro-style of Socialism.

        2. “And that is exactly where we are today…on the road to a Euro-style of Socialism.”

          Sounds good to me. Bring it on.

        3. Marcus, Thank you so much for your honesty. Finally a post from someone on the left that is honest about his/her position. Of course, I disagree and think that history will demonstrate the error in your position, but, nonetheless, I do respect your ability to state your position with honesty over hatred. Grok on!

        4. Bob: There is so much internally inconsistent with your post that I have no idea how to respond, much less how to respond with “rational, logical” defenses — that’s my point. You people are so off your rockers that you can’t engage in any meaningful debate. If you either a) read this nonsens Mark posted and thought it was plausible, or b) have read the health care bill, or have a basic understanding of any of the acts taken so far by the Obama administration, and STILL think that this is a “socialist” administration, then you are simply unable to have an adult conversation grounded in reality. Go join a militia.

        5. Jack, Meaningful debate? Where’s your argument? You make blanket charges against “YOU PEOPLE”, but, btw, noting concrete about ANYTHING I’ve stated and then end with “go join the militia”. Whoa, I’ve been served. NOT! So, where exactly is your rational, logical argument? And, to your charge of “internally inconsistent”, I’m waiting for your explanation. Where’s the beef, Jack?

          Let me ask you some questions, Jack – do you have a job? Do you actually pay taxes in a respectable tax bracket? Do you pay for your health insurance? Do you donate money to charities that help those less fortunate than you? Do you volunteer your time to assist those without health care? When is the last time you donated blood?

          You know, it was JFK, the last true Democrat – as opposed to the Socialists they have now become – who said, “Ask NOT what your country can do for you, ask what YOU can do for your country”. When the Democrats start living, once again, by that philosophy, instead of Robin Hood’s, they deserve the title. Until then, you are Socialists – doing good by spending other people’s money. What happens when you run out of other people’s money to spend on all of your pet projects? You might actually have to doing something for someone else on your own instead of passing it on to the Government to do with someone else’s hard earned dollars.

        6. Hi Bob: This year I paid a little over 120K in income taxes. Is that enough? Do I count now? Moron.

          Mark: This Bob fellow is a little too indicative of your readership for my liking. I’ll not be reading this website anymore. Good luck with everything.

        7. WOW. It’s not Mark’s fault that this page was suddenly flooded with fanatical political comments (left and right). I have not enjoyed reading most of the comments on this page either (left or right), but it is not going to stop me from reading Marks website. I am not so quick to throw everyone into the same crab bucket.

      2. “This year I paid a little over 120K in income taxes….moron”

        ROFL!!! Jack claims he paid $120K (sure he did) in taxes and he’s ok with paying more? Who is the “moron”?

        P.S. You still have not provided a logical, rational explanation of your position AND you, like your comrades, couldn’t help but resort to name calling. I suppose that is Mark’s fault too?

  22. You had me till the bacon tax. Sad thing is hardly any of our “leaders” read the dang bill so much of this could be in their.

      1. Most of the Congress-critters that voted “yes’ sure didn’t.

      2. It’s actually approx. 200 pages. Apparently bills are written for people with sight problems. They are like triple spaced with 18 -20 point font size.

  23. I was thinking this was real at first, just laced with a heavy dose of sarcasm. The scary part is, most of it’s not that far off. Great post Mark.

  24. Goddang people are gullible, how could you possibly read past #2 with a straight face? Sad.

  25. Todd may have fallen for the April Fools joke, but this in his reply is 100% accurate
    “Obama is bankrupting this country”

    No April fools there!

    Funny post.

  26. Brilliant!!!
    I was hoping you would do something for April Fool’s Day.
    Btw: Google is also “Topeka” for the day

  27. It really isn’t too far fetched. I heard they’re working on a tax bill for pizza and fast food already. WAY TO GO!
    I also understand that pharmaceutical companies are pushing for recommendations to start giving statins to kids from early age to prevent future “cholesterol problems”. No joke:) Read it in Berry Grove’s Trick or Treat book.

    1. I’m not surprised. Doctors joke about adding statins to the water supply!

  28. There is such a thing as tax on bacon … more or less! Romanian tax on fast-food … first step towards imposing it on every single fatty cut of meat! Fat is BAD! cough

  29. That was AWESOME!

    I have to admit, when I read #1, I was scared for the country. #2 didn’t make much sense to me, but nothing the govt does makes sense, so i still bought it. #3 & 4 scared the bejesus out of me. 5 is where i (FINALLY) realized it was an April Fools joke. It’s sad that I got through 5 of these things still believing that our government would actually do these things.

    1. #1 is already true! You can have your gastric bypass covered under Medicaid as long as your BMI is over 40 and/or you are over 100 lbs overweight. That’s why it took me a while to figure out that this was a joke. 🙂

  30. LMAO! I thought it odd, but didn’t figure it out until the food trough and bacon tax.

  31. Great post, Mark. You had me going until the 4th graders insurance course.

    I’m reminded from the many comments and my own reaction that most American’s have no idea what our government is doing and we’ve been accustomed to hearing news that borders on the ridiculous our entire lives. Some of those “fools jokes” aren’t too far off from reality.

  32. OMG, you had me going! #3 was incredible!! I was seriously thinking of telling hubby when I get home that we need to stock up on bacon to save money. you sure got me, fun post!

  33. Haha dang, I totaly fell for that. At first I couldn’t beleive it cause it seemed to be so rediculouse

  34. lol and its funny cause its the second time today I fell for the april fools, earlier one of my classes my professor told us to get out a sheet of paper for a pop quiz on the reading material. I completely fell for that one too

  35. The most awesome April Fools joke! Some of the information on your website is so far out there that it wouldn’t have surprised me if there was some truth associated with it.

  36. You had me until “Stat’n Mac’n Cheese.” Then again, little surprises me any more, so at least 5 or 6 of these are plausible.

  37. I told myself I wouldn’t be April Fooled. Especially from the source that gives me the best information. Bacon Tax! haha

  38. HAHA! I was completely outraged and indignant at the insurance class replaceing phys ed (although the class itself isn’t a bad idea for high school…) But the Stat n Mac n Cheese is when I figured it out… nice!

  39. I believe it all to be true.

    Dr. Pantzenfahr played a key role on Obama’s healthcare reform committee. These so-called “reforms” have his name written all over them.

  40. Haha, you should’ve moved #2 lower then you might’ve suckered me in longer. They don’t even teach check-book balancing in schools, no way they’re gonna teach insurance. 🙂

    Good one dude

  41. haha! Nice one! Great post! The thing I like about this site is the information. I’m learning so much every day. And even in a JOKE post, there’s still so much to glean.

    Keep it coming!

  42. A good April Fool’s joke needs to at least be plausible to work. This could all be true, and it wouldn’t surprise me in the least!

  43. hahahaha I totally fell for this one until I realized that each number was getting more and more ridiculous…;) Good one, Mark and Worker Bees!!

  44. On the topic of April Fool’s jokes (and bacon), ThinkGeek has some good ones today, including a plush toy “My First Bacon”. I want one!

  45. As I was reading this I kept thinking “oh god, please let this be an april fool’s joke…”

    Sad to say, but I can see most of these things happening.

  46. I would prefer this plan as opposed to the one the morons in Washington just passed. Gimme my bacon tax…I am sure it will be cheaper…

  47. I think 5 of those are actually in the bill.

    Stat’n Mac’n Cheese! Now that is funny. Funny because they’re probably really in negotiations with food companies OR they’ll read this and think “Oh crap, that’s a GREAT idea”.

    1. I think we should still make May 19th Bacon Day. Parades, bacon recipes… seriously…

  48. OMG… EMERGENCY LAP BAND??? What kind of emergency would that be? Quick people…Did you hear of the guy passed out face first in a trough! His statin mac and cheese has failed him. His forced medication has not prevailed. He’s perhaps eaten too much poop or fake cheese (as seen on the top layer of the trough), or maybe FAKE Bacon. And the stress from learning all the insurance codes has caused him to code… NO, NEVER MIND CPR… We do NOT HAVE TIME! We need to STARVE HIM! AND Stat! Damn that Bill that paid celebrities to quit with their insanity. We could have easily had him drink cabbage soup for the next 6-8 months. Or grapefruit juice…

  49. Screw the Boston Tea Party. Boston Bacon Party here we come. PB’ers unite!

    I am ashamed to say you had me going until #5.

  50. had me fooled till the very end. nothing surprises me when it comes to the government these days.

  51. I guess this is supposed to be an April fool’s joke, but given how evil and insane the federal government the joke doesn’t work because it’s not that outlandish compared with reality.

  52. Damnit! I actually posted this on facebook cause I thought it was real until I realized it’s April Fool’s Day…hmmm…I’ll just play it off as a prank of my own…hehehe. Nice job, you got me!

  53. What isn’t an April Fools Joke is that the FDA is about to okay the “preventive” use of statin drugs. Yes, they are going to allow doctor’s to prescribe statins – which have almost no benefits except for a small group of persons who have already had heart attacks, but which do have bad side effects, including liver damage – for persons who do not even have high bad cholesterol numbers.

  54. It’s unfortunate that so many that readily reject the CW in regards to nutrition and health, still cling to the even more prevalent CW that human society and progress is best served by the whip and iron boot. 🙁

  55. I’ll admit; this had me going for a second up until the bacon tax…then I knew it was BS!

  56. Leave the politics aside and look at he bigger picture. No matter the president or political party they come from its all show and and a dance. Look at Zeigheist on youtube. Some of it rings true and some is a lil hogwash. Turn the newscaster off that feeds you lies and start paying atttention to what you yourself thinks.

    1. I was ok until the bacon tax then I started loading my shotgun! Ha Ha!

  57. Yikes, I almost re-posted a few of these! Good thing I scrolled down first. I truly believed the first few.

  58. Nice job Mark, but I think you could have skipped using such a controversial thing as the health care bill and just gone with fake food headlines and such to avoid people going off on political tangents.

  59. Wow, I’m really embarrassed at how long it took for me to realize this was a joke … or should American politicians be embarrassed? Hmm? Hmm?

  60. just shows what we let our politicians get away with haha i got to Number 4…the elemetary thing was pushing it but i said…ok….then i saw statins in food….thats just not gonna happen…lol or is it? i never know anymore…They did get fluoride into water…

  61. Way to go, Mark!! I knew this would suck in a ton of comments even though your tongue was firmly in your cheek.

    I’m a health care worker. This was funny! Period.

  62. As soon as I got to the end of #1 I knew it was a joke. Although, some of the concepts are rather frightening considering how easily they could still become true.

  63. Happy Easter for all of you!!

    About medical issues for the US. I hope that everything find a solution to your problems. Here in Sweden we have an organized system but depends in wich political perspective you see the question you can see positive reactions or negative.
    For me, now after 4 weeks of eating primal I stop with my medicine for ulcerative colitis and I feel great. I have being sick for almost 17 years and now I feel great. It is difficult to believe that just adjusting my eating habits could take such effect on my sickness. I hope that isn’t temporaly.

    Anyway Happy Easter!!

  64. We had two ways to go: one which increased coverage while decreasing costs and increasing personal responsibility. The second, which was chosen against the will of a majority of Americans, was one that increased coverage while increasing costs dramatically, decreased the need for personal responsibility, and which will cost at least 3-4x what was projected.

    To be clear, we CAN be as fat and unfit as we are because we have the best doctors and best drugs in the world. If there will be no more preexisting conditions, then it won’t matter if you smoke, or are fat. I can quite easily see lap band surgery being covered. It is the logical extension of labelling the effects of idiotic nutritional recommendations an “epidemic”. Obesity is not contagious, except to the extent that bad ideas are contagious.

    We could have kept what we had, which was a system where 100% of Americans had access to healthcare, just not insulation from the costs of the services they consumed.

    Now, we will see rationing. Prospective doctors will choose other careers; existing doctors will migrate to other businesses.

    This thing makes no sense from any perspective except that of the Statist who feels that He should in charge of everything, since he knows better.

    Oh, and by the way, the Government will now control your student loans too. That’s not an April Fool’s joke. Sooner or later, they will drop the requirement it be paid back, making higher education an extension of the government too.

  65. Ok………..politics.

    I’m 54 years old. I’ve been a yellow dog Democrat all my life. One might even say a rabid yellow dog Democrat.

    But of late…..I am so disillusioned and disappointed in all elected officials. The system is rotten at the core, starting with how large self-interest groups (like Banking, Teachers’ Unions, Insurance Industry, Energy Industry, etc.) OWN government.

    Because I am passionate about food and food sources, I have by necessity learned about raw milk law; USDA regulation for things like slaughterhouses that make small-scale, local, farmer-controlled abbatoirs virtually impossible; the changing standards for the ‘orangic’ lable means; Monsanto’s growing monopoly of the food system (and the government’s inability to regulate this), etc.

    Because the industrial-governmental complex now impacts so directly on a part of my life that I feel passionate about—-well, *gasp*, I think I am becoming a libertarian. I do not think EITHER party has the answer, and I mistrusting the institution more and more.

    What disturbs me most is that it is the very model of capitalism, with its fantasy of unlimited growth, and our culture’s worship of money, that drives this whole thing. Our American culture is all about consuming, but Nature (now here’s where it gets Primal) is cyclical, not linear. You cannnot consume without returning value back to the Earth.

    All life on earth depends on the fragile layer of topsoil, which is getting shallower every year from our agribusiness growing practices. We destroy the layer of topsoil and we are doomed.


  66. “I think I am becoming a libertarian”

    Amen, brother! And what’s more primal than libertarianism? (Small “L” libertarianism.)

    And instead of “capitalism,” which nowadays is a combination of big business and big government, try the Free Market (sans gov’t. intervention, which gave us the housing bubble etc.), where all people (even enemies) can deal with one another to their mutual benefit.

  67. There’s plenty of other Web sites devoted to politics…

    Let’s talk more about bacon. mmm, Bacon.

  68. I sort of regret this was put out there. It may give our chiefs in Washington more ideas.

  69. Yeah, I admit i was fooled… but rightly so. I mean, this is most certainly the destination of the “health care” bill bus we’re about to get on.

  70. Socialism is just Capitalism without competition. Does anyone really think people do not become hugely wealthy under Socialist rule?

    It’s easy to get people to buy your products when they have no choice.

    I’ll make that my last comment. I, too, was initially taken in by the post. It was number 5 before I was sure it was a joke.

    I truly do believe that lap bands will be covered; that high cholesterol foods have some chance of being differentially taxed (if this crop of Dem’s stay in charge); and that ADHD and anti-depressants will sooner or later get added to things we all pay for.

  71. Why are you people judging people and acting fool, please!
    Anyway being a socialist is nothing to be ashamed. If people choose the best way to think is up to them and the rest of us must to respect other opinions. Be careful to write ignorant comments or asking somebody putting him against the wall. Respect to be respect. Behave people behave.

  72. Some of the posts are newer info for me and send me researching like a fool. So I’m reading along in shock and then I hit #4 about Stat’n Mac’n Cheese and started cracking up. Right on Mark! So funny. Ignore all bad vibes b/c these actions & other bad choices are exactly what turned health care into a mess to begin with. Happy easter and Spring, NOW GO EAT YOUR TAX FREE BACON AND GROK ON! (Btw, Early Green Spring Soup is being served with fresh Ham on Sunday)

  73. Who know there were so many right wing nutjobs in the primal movement. Gotta make sure to stay away from any primal gatherings. Looks like you wackos might be cooking your meat on burning crosses.

    1. “Who know there were so many right wing nutjobs in the primal movement…you wackos might be cooking your meat on burning crosses.”

      Wow, pretty malicious, demeaning, abusive language! All of that hate in your heart can’t be healthy for you, Simon. But, in my own experience I have found that when so-called well-meaning libs like you can’t win an argument you do have a tendency to resort to name calling and character assassination.

      So, I guess you think our forefathers who opposed tyranny and an overbearing central government that infringes our Liberty were – how did you say it? – nutjobs, wackos, and cross burners? Looks like you’ve avoided more than just “primal gatherings” and passed on the history classes as well.

    2. One should never trust me when I say I’m done. I made the mistake of subscribing to comments, to they keep popping up.

      I will try to make this my last comment, since I’m apparently harshing the vibe.

      Ponder the two approaches to being “primal” (btw: I’m not a card carrying member; I just think Mark has offered up a very well prepared, concise case for common sense and the actual use of knowledge we already possess, but ignore): on the one hand, you have the tribal element. You have the romantic environmentalist, getting back in touch with the land, the feel of dirt under their feet, the sun on their back, the pleasure of playful leisure, and simple food.

      On the other you have those who look back to the self sufficiency of the hunter-gatherer, who see in that paradigm a model for escaping from our Nanny State, at least in imagination. HG could do what they wanted to do, when they wanted to do it, with no one’s permission.

      Obviously, these two basic models don’t encompass all possible motivations, but I would be surprised if I were far off in assessing those two as the most important.

      Clearly, there is good knowledge here. More than that, though, there is an attractive myth.

      As far as name-calling, my standard position is that insult is the sincerest form of flattery. If you don’t get it, think about it for a moment.

  74. Hey Man, I’m as blue as can be, a liberal lesbian from MA. I just like my meat. I’ll throw a primal gathering, bring your spears and grass skirts and I’ll invite congress. Mark another post quick!

  75. I really hate seeing political discussions on NON-political web sites. It’s frightening and depressing to see how foolish and gullible people are. Rush, Glenn, Palin and the GOP are making tons of money off of it though. Cha-Ching $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ ‘Obama’s Teh Evil, buy my book!’

  76. Seems to be a lot of “hate” going around these days. Mark? I think we need a PB take on this! It can’t be healthy. But, it is humorous and amusing to hear such ranting by the Obama defenders…aren’t these the same people who were just ranting a few years ago about Bush? I guess they just hate anyone who has a different opinion?

    The fact is, you are right – Fitness and Health are very personal. It is sad that the left has politicized it and is attempting to take it over. And, yet, now that it is being forced down our throats, they are upset that many don’t like it. I guess for the leftists, opposition to the powers that be is fine, so long as they aren’t the ones in power….once they are, sit down and shut up! Aw, yes, the dictatorship of the proletariat at its best.

  77. The terrible thing is… I believed it until I looked ahead to the bottom. Seriously! Even in retrospect, most of it is plausible in today’s environment and thats the scariest part of all. This should be a Halloween post, not an April Fool’s prank.

  78. I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone on this board is a stupid wingnut, including the blog author.


  79. For the record, I think it was funny. The problem is there are a lot of raw nerves right now. Clearly, most Americans did not want this bill, and clearly the Democrats understood this. Many of them were nearly physically assaulted last August and September, and nothing has changed. It was a bad, expensive idea then, and all that changed between now and then is they gave up the idea of an open debate, and just shoved it through before most of them even had the chance to read it.

    However, that is not even remotely Mark’s fault, and if he wanted to do a little experiment in social psychology which had a punchline, I see no harm in that.

  80. LOL!!

    The United States is probably the only country in the world where the public can be easily convinced to spend hundreds of BILLIONS of dollars on blowing other people up, but when it comes to giving AMERICANS healthcare everyone screams bloody murder…

    hahahah…. way to go guys!

    1. Drone415

      Those same Billions to blow things up, protect those weenie Euro countries so they don’t have too protect themselves.
      Since they don’t have to fund their own protection, they can throw money at a failed socialist health care system.

      I say the U.S.A. pull out of all countries they have been protecting for 60+ years and let them and maybe you depending on your residence fend and fund for themselves.
      Freedom isn’t free.
      The world is so ungrateful at times to the American sacrifice.

      1. hahha! The only people who think that “weenie Euro countries” NEED protecting are ignorant Americans.

        Really, I dont give a damn what you guys do in your own country. It seems the worst you can muster is running around calling people socialists and fanatically claiming some ethical high ground, meanwhile people dont have access to basic health care for free…

        Again, thats cool. Whatever floats your boat. Im just going to hang out over here, enjoy the comfort of knowing that if Im ever in a serious accident it will never bankrupt me.

        1. Sorry 1968Tigers but I think that Drone415 has a point. Governments in many countries (including the USA) tend to treat their people like mushrooms. It is up to the individual to keep oneself educated on what is really happening in the world and on real world history; and not to absorb the crap they try to feed the masses through the media and in schools.

          I say, rise above the masses! Is that not what we are doing with our Primal Blueprint diets and lifestyles?

          I have to say that I am surprised at how much political stuff has risen out of this enjoyable piece of satire from Mark. This is meant to be a health blog.

        2. Drone415, what country are you from?

          Euro countries don’t need U.S. protection? Oh, really? Ever studied World War I, World War II, the Cold War? The fact is you really can’t defend yourselves and need U.S. Defense spending to compensate for your lacking.

          As for bankruptcy, it may not bankrupt you but it will bankrupt your country.

        3. Fair to say you missed the point.

          At least there are those still willing to do the heavy lifting.

          If the USA pulled their protection of Europe today, within 5 years Europe would be in peril yet again.
          That protection is 100% cost free and a economy boost to Europe from our American dollar tax-paid service members I might add.

          Living in some pretend paleo world won’t change the fact that evil is always in the darkness waiting for the light to fade.

          How ungrateful!!!

  81. Mark!! and company!!! you guys are the best. Totally fooled me!!! Almost blew a gasket on the statin item!!! Most excellent!!! post!!! Happy April 1st and Happy Easter!!!!!!!

  82. I had heard that in america you don’t talk about three things: Sex, politics and money. I guess I heard wrong. 😉

    To an outsider it seems Obama is the best thing that has happened to america in a long time, but I see now that this is not the opinion of the american people, not those visiting this blog anyway. A bit disappointing.

    1. Yes Robert. I live in Australia and I thought exactly the same thing. For the first time I was even watching the election for America over the internet. I was so happy for America when Obama won the election.

      1. You two were so happy for America because “misery loves company”. You want us to be a second rate Social power just like you. Outsiders who think obama is good for America have no clue what made/makes American great and powerful and wealthy.

        But, don’t dispair, we’re on our way down to join you in Second Class. But, you’ll miss us when we’re gone. Better brush up on your Chinese!!

    2. 46% of American voters voted against President Obama, so outsiders shouldn’t expect us all to march in lockstep to live up to your expectations of us. We have diverse views, and that’s a good thing.

      Although this is not the place to discuss politics, I like the fact that commenters here who come from divergent political views can agree on primal living. And I really, REALLY don’t like being told by anyone how I should think on politics. I would never presume to tell YOU what your politics should be.

      BTW, President Obama has made it quite clear that he loathes the UK.

      1. julietx. Good thing I don’t live in the UK then, hey. Don’t even live in the northern hemisphere at all.
        I would not presume to tell anyone anything about politics. I simply stated that I was surprised to see so many people not like Obama. If you don’t like him, hey, that’s fine by me too. I don’t even like politics. What I do like is Mark’s website and the Primal lifestyle.

        1. Agreed. 🙂 I think it’s great that people on this site are from all over the world, from diverse upbringings and POVs, all appreciating the primal life, or civilly debating its merits.

  83. It is worth noting that the United States has had in place for some 40 years Federally run programs to provide health insurance to poor people, and the elderly. Those programs–Medicare and Medicaid–cost us some $1 Trillion last year, which is substantially higher than the Gross Domestic Product of most nations.

    Further, it is against the law in this country to deny healthcare to people based on their ability to pay. No matter what your condition, you will get treated.

    So to claim that people were being denied treatment, or that we have made no provision for the more vulnerable members of our society is simply wrong, and this error–repeated so often–continues to be a source of some annoyance to people who have taken the time to actually understand the issues.

    1. It is against the law to deny treatment, but health care providers are free to accept or reject Medicare and Medicaid patients, and many do, owing to lower reimbursements.

      This bill failed to address the needs of millions of undocumented people living in this country. Undocumented mothers in my community routinely take their undocumented children to a hospital emergency clinic for treatment of rashes, fevers, and other illnesses that an insured parent would seek attention for at an urgent care clinic. Considering how expensive emergency care is, it’s likely that these bills go unpaid, and the cost is spread among payers. If the undocumented can pay Social Security and income taxes under false numbers, I cannot understand why these same people cannot be forced to pay something towards their health care.

      I believe dental and vision have been removed from Medicaid to save money. This worries me because a Maryland boy died a couple of years ago when the bacteria from an abcessed tooth infected his brain. His mother had been waiting to get him in to see a Medicaid-friendly dentist within driving distance. I know personally of undocumented children whose dental problems went untreated. This bothers me because children don’t have a choice about coming here.

  84. “no child left unmedicated”

    Hilarious! Thanks for the April Fools, Mark. This post sure brought out a bunch of them (us?)! 😉

  85. Haha, good one, Mark!
    I was ready to join the bacon militia for a minute there.

  86. Unfortunetly, due to the absurdness of our government, you had me going until #6 Bacon Tax, and if you had said the tax was per package instead of per strip, I would have believed that also!

  87. The Bacon Tax tipped me off too. I just know that’s a health-ily funded food lobby, no way those Senators are signing off on the Bacon Tax! But it was a bit disturbingly close to reality for a minute there…

  88. You know, there are many means of weeding out the mentally infirm. Posting things that help them self-identify themselves, and remove themselves, is not a bad method.

    Anybody that can’t take a joke, or considers themselves so above everyone else that they can’t so demean themselves as to debate their inferiors, is someone that was likely subtracting from the value of this place anyway.

  89. Looks like mark the socialist/communist is cherry picking posts. Hmm, pretty typical for a hypocrite.

    1. Rachel, there is nothing remotely socialist about this post. Have you ever heard of satire? It’s an April Fools joke. Get it?

  90. In the medical journal Lancet Oncology in 2008, researchers produced the first direct world-wide comparison of five year survival rates for breast, colorectal and prostate cancers. The U.S. had the highest survival rate for breast cancer at 83.9% and prostate cancer at 91.9% — compared to the U.K.’s respective 69.7% and 51.1%. ObamaCare and the UK healthcare system are virtually the same. Be prepared for a major reduction in cancer survival rates. I’m already in the 91.9% and I hope that you will make the cut in ObamaCare. That insurance documentation class may become a necessary tool to survive the new system.

  91. Canadian Premier Williams will not longer be coming to the US for surgery after socialist obamacare fully kicks in. Good point about breast cancer rising.

  92. I totally flipped out about Monsanto and genetically engineered cows!

    Number 5 gave me pause, and by number 6 I was like, “Oooooohhhhhhhh.”

    Haha, good on ya Mark!

    And for those of you screaming about political positions and Mark’s personal stance on them: How can you possibly infer one way or the other about how he feels politically?

    It is sad so many of you would stop reading due to differences in opinion. That would be like me saying I’m not going to read Mark’s blog anymore because I like cats more and he likes dogs more!

    Please, think of the common ground (:

    1. Wish I could edit posts…I mean to say “perceived” political positions, as Mark has never, in any of his posts, revealed to be of a particular political persuasion.

      And if I “share” this blog with the republicans and the democrats, it doesn’t matter to me–I’m glad we can agree on nutrition. (:

      1. Yay Hannah. I second this notion. I find all the posts accusing Mark of showing any particular political affiliation very disappointing.