Yogurt Mania
How did we survive all these years without functional yogurt products? If it weren’t for Yoplait and Dannon enhancing our digestive facilities, I bet we’d never get anything done in the bathroom. I, for one, can’t recall the last time I had a satisfying bowel movement without concurrently sucking on an extra large Purple Gogurt as I sat astride the toilet.
Yoplait and Dannon are responsible for injecting more culture into our lives than Warhol, The Smithsonian, The New Yorker, and ancient Athens combined. I love the way those two superpowers ultra-pasteurize their yogurt so as to rid it of any naturally-occurring, unpredictable, rogue probiotic cultures (unfettered bacterial growth? – no thanks) before supplanting them with nice, orderly probiotic cultures (and not too much of them, thanks). Mother nature? Natural selection? Ha! As if natural foods could improve my immunity and digestive health better than multi-national corporations. You think sauerkraut has your best interests in mind?
There are downsides to the addiction, though. And it is an addiction. Make no mistake about that. The cravings can hit me hard, fast, and without warning. My blood sugar drops, my knees weaken. Visions of Danimals dance about my tormented psyche, laughing and pointing and beckoning. Normally, I rush to the nearest grocer, head straight to the healthy dairy section, and thrust my probing tongue through the foil seal and into the soothing bath of HFCS, whipped skim froth, carrageenan, and single-file probiotic formations. Normally, all is well, but I’m not always within range of a Dannon/Yoplait distributor. Like last week.
I was driving through LA, just south of Hollywood, when I got the cravings. It wasn’t pretty, and my options were extremely limited. Check cashing places and carnicerias abounded, but there were no grocery stores. I needed my Activia, and I needed it immediately. My wild eyes betrayed my intent; even the fidgeting methamphetamine enthusiast (with whom I sensed a strange sort of community) gave a wide berth. Next thing I knew, I was across the street, apparently having successfully navigated traffic. A Greek market lay before me, a small, unassuming ethnic grocer full of olive oils, labna and mediocre red wine. I entered, approached the counter, and inquired as to their yogurt selection. Greeks are supposed to make yogurt, right? (In the Yoplait online forums, the “Upcoming Product rumors” thread made mention of a “non-fat, Greek-style yogurt coming soon,” so I knew there was some precedent.) They did, and the clerk produced a small nondescript tub of white yogurt, which I immediately purchased. Don’t worry – I made sure to ask if it was low-fat. The clerk, a stout man with an impressive white mustache, just laughed off my silly question. What was I thinking? No one makes full-fat (ugh, the thought just makes me sick) yogurt, I told myself. He was right to laugh at me.
So I popped the top and grabbed a spoon. It smelled pretty sour, and it didn’t even smell like vanilla (but what other flavor could white yogurt be?), but I was desperate. I was about to take a massive spoonful of the stuff when, luckily, the clerk chimed in once again.
“Best yogurt in all of Los Angeles! It’s made from raw sheep and cow milk in Greece, then shipped directly to us! You will like!” I just looked at his bristly ‘stache.
Raw milk? This stuff wasn’t ultra-pasteurized. It was probably teeming with barbarian hordes of probiotic cultures. Ferocious little milky versions of Gauls, Thracians, Ostro-goths, and Visi-goths running rampant over the pristine splendor of Rome, with Yoplait Caesar’s mighty praetorian guard nowhere to be found. I was at an impasse. I needed yogurt in my body, but I didn’t want to face the uncertainty of consuming rogue probiotic cultures. What was I to do?!
Then I remembered my recent pharmacy pick-up: antibiotics. (I’d gone in for a nasty cold; the doctor really didn’t want to write the prescription, citing some nonsense about the cold being a virus and therefore unaffected by antibiotics, but I just slipped him my favorite malpractice lawyer’s card, and he got the idea). I figured antibiotics could counteract the nasty probiotics in the dangerous Greek yogurt, so I tossed a handful of pills down on the counter, crushed them with my Purell aerosol canister, and immediately insufflated the powder. Once I could feel the tell-tale signs of antibiotic powder penetrating my nasal membrane and reaching my blood stream, I tossed down the yogurt. I distinctively heard several dozen death knells signifying the probiotic cultures’ complete assimilation into my body. Sure, it may not technically be assimilation if they’re dead, but this ain’t no melting pot.
This definitely wasn’t vanilla. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they forgot to add the flavoring. But, I’ve gotta say – it was the best damn non-fat yogurt I’ve ever had. It was so rich, so creamy, and so filling. I’ve never had a full-fat item in my life – I avoid direct eye-contact with cartons of whole milk and I’ll spend as long as it takes to whip enough air into skim milk to get it to stand up on its own and solidify into cream (1:1:1 ratio of skim milk to powdered sugar to cornstarch) – but if they taste as good as this yogurt did, I think I understand why people are willing to risk obesity, heart disease, and diabetes just for a shot of half-and-half in the morning coffee…
In case it isn’t abundantly clear to my regular readers (or if you’re new here and your worried about my sanity) I’m just having a little fun with this article. Functional yogurt fans may not be quite that crazy, but you wouldn’t know it by the sales figures of these probiotic-enhanced brands of sugar slurry. They’re billed as the healthiest, simplest choice for people on the go, growing children, women interested in slimming down, and folks with digestive troubles. The kids love it because it’s got funny cartoons on the carton and it’s loaded with sugar. Hell, everyone loves the sugar. And because it’s “healthy,” low-fat, and “packed with probiotics,” people don’t feel bad slurping down all the sugar.
It’s nonsense, people. Probiotics are indeed healthy and helpful members of any digestive system, and consuming them in supplement or fermented food form is a good move with many potential benefits, but wasting your money on fortified processed food (food should never require “fortification”) and its obscene packaging and advertising campaign is silly. Those probiotic-enchanced sugary yogurts are stripped of their natural bacteria via pasteurization. Even the “natural” full-fat yogurts, however delicious they are and whatever other benefits they confer, are usually pasteurized with probiotic cultures added afterward. There’s nothing magical about Yoplait or Dannon.
Regular yogurt has probiotics, too. The clinical doses of probiotics – the amounts that have shown promise in trials – are far higher than anything you’ll get in a tiny 80 calorie container of Key Lime Yoplait yogurt. I’m talking at least 20 billion cfu (colony forming units). If you want the real benefits of probiotics, make fermented foods a regular part of your daily diet. Eat sauerkraut, kimchee, full-fat Greek yogurt (Fage is a good one, or look for a local Greek market), or kefir (if you tolerate dairy). Naturally fermented foods will have good levels of bacteria. You may not get a label listing all the strains, but you’ll know that they’re the same probiotics people have been consuming for thousands of years. Obtaining probiotics this way is generally safe, but if you want a bit more precision, a good supplement will have a label listing the specific strains (and in greater numbers). I regularly use this method for a number of reasons: for its convenience, because I don’t generally do dairy, and to ensure I’m getting precise amounts of certain strains in my system. As my upcoming Primal Flora supplement (30 billion cfu) nears release, I’ll discuss this more at length. Whatever you do, just don’t rely on sugar-filled functional yogurt products to get your probiotics.
What about you guys? Any ridiculous yogurt hyperbole sightings in the wild? Share in the comments section.
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Posted By: Mark Sisson
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I love The Greek Gods plain Greek Yogurt. It is fantastic and I have to beat the kids away to have it last for more than a day.
i did like this one ok, but THEY use stabilizers like carnageen and guar, whereas fage does not.
Carageen is a stabilizer made from seaweed. I do not find it objectionable.
its not toxic, but it is cheap, and good yogurt doesnt need anything but cultures and milk/cream in my opinion.
I happen to have this one in my fridge and just checked the ingredient list. It just said “Pasteurized Grade A Milk, Cream, Pectin” (and then the cultures).
Is that not something they report in ingredients?
my bad, its pectin, which is not toxic either, but is a filler/stabilizer. i just think it is cheap and good yogurt doesnt need this.
I fully enjoy pectin in my home-made jams.
Trader Joe’s makes a fantastic full-fat Greek yogurt too- it’s heavenly.
Your lucky you have a Trader Joe’s in your area. I wish there was one in Grand Rapids, MI. Thankfully I will be moving somewhat soon out of this ole town
I will be travelling to an area with a Trader Joe’s soon an I am SO excited. I haven’t been to one in almost 3 years. My first stop? Yogurt aisle. Greek yogurt rocks.
Unfortunately they stopped selling the full-fat Fage at all of the TJ’s in my area months ago. And just recently they all stopped carrying the Mediterranean Cheese Yogurt — super fatty and low carb. But they still carry the lesser greek yogurt, low fat greek yogurts, and an alarming array of colorful sugary yogurts masquerading as healthy, real-food.
the bastages
You know, my Costco carries Fage at a great deal–but it’s non-fat! I’m like, “Hello, people, do we not even get the choice?” Sure, sell the low- or non-fat for the fat-phobes out there, but please leave some of the good stuff for the rest of us that don’t fear real food!
We should all write to Costco or go to customer service and request the full fat. I’ll do it on my next visit!
This happened to me, too! I am so annoyed. All the stores that used to carry full fat Fage, which I love, have now started selling ONLY the 2% and the 0%. Drives me crazy.
I find the TJs brand gritty! Dont know why… But I love about everything else they do, including GAOT MILK yogurt.
double check the label- it is not the real thing. It is a greek “style” I stopped buying it
Haha! Loved this article, Mark. Your satire pieces always give me a good laugh.
“Normally, I rush to the nearest grocer, head straight to the healthy dairy section, and thrust my probing tongue through the foil seal and into the soothing bath of HFCS, whipped skim froth, carrageenan, and single-file probiotic formations.”
After a brain melting calculus test, this is EXACTLY what I needed to read.
Thank you for making my day, Mark! =)
I have to agree with you though; I can’t stand how these companies will pick up on the latest health discoveries and turn them into gimmicks.
Give me sauerkraut over HFCS filled “yogurt” any day!
“I, for one, can’t recall the last time I had a satisfying bowel movement without concurrently sucking on an extra large Purple Gogurt as I sat astride the toilet.”
Ha, ha. It’s not just the yogurt market that’s being hit by the digestion “craze”. You’d think that constipation has become a national crisis if your sole source of vital information came from commercial advertisement. Between Activia, PlumSmart (people don’t like the word “prune” anymore) and a plethora of food products loaded with super-fiber, it looks like our lacking colon health has reached pandemic status.
Recently, full-fat plain greek yogurt, with half of a sliced banana, almonds, and coconut chunks took care of a full-on dessert craving threatening to break my sugar detox. It was a thing of beauty.
OMG that sounds good! Never thought of adding those things, but I will now!
Try microwaving the banana for 30-50 seconds. Makes it even better – sweeter, with a taste like banana pudding and it even creates it’s own syrup. I’m sure it makes the sugar content go up, but if I’m eating a banana in the first place, I just don’t care. ^.^
My husband and I have been having greek yogurt for dessert for a while now. We came back from Sonoma with some Dry Creek Olive Oil Company Meyer Lemon olive oil and I add about a teaspoon to my bowl of Greek Gods yogurt and 5 drops of liquid stevia. It’s HEAVEN! The oil is naturally produced by ‘crushing Meyer Lemons and California Mission olives on hammer mill’ and it gives a richness to the mouth-feel of the yogurt.
It sounds weird but I swear it’s fantastic. Plus, I’m always figuring out ways to add fat to my diet.
Hahaha! You are inspired today, Mark. Your writing is more acidic than the six-month-old kefir in the back of my fridge.
“I tossed a handful of pills down on the counter, crushed them with my Purell aerosol canister, and immediately insufflated the powder.”
That killed me.
Honestly, supermarket yogurt is a sugar delivery system in disguise. I can’t believe the amount they manage to fit into those tiny containers.
Did you know the Institute of Medicine has a set of school nutrition guidelines that they want to enact all over the country? To be considered “Tier 1″ (or “healthy”), a food must have less than 35% of its calories as sugar — except for yogurt which is specifically allowed 30g of sugar per 8-oz. serving. Insane! You couldn’t make this stuff up.
30 gm of sugar!?!?!? Holy moly, that is a shade over 1 ounce of sugar or 12.5% of the 8-oz serving of yogurt. Goddy mighty.
Ha! This was great! But what about miso as a fermented food?
I agree with Dozer. Just went to a local health food store and bought some full fat Greek God Yogurt. Fantastic stuff. Also bought some coconut milk kefir. Worst tasting stuff I have ever swallowed. A spponful of The Geek yogurt completely wiped out the bad taste. Great stuff.
also the coconut milk kefir is soo much higher in carbs then animal milk/cream stuff.
i tried to gag down the coconut milk kefir & it was impossible.
Too funny!
Those brainless Activia ads make me want to curl up and die – alongside my back-issues of Prevention magazine.
Speaking of which, I wanted to share this with some folks who would appreciate it, and this seems like the place. While waiting in line at the grocery store last month, I flipped to an article on Prevention’s “healthiest food choices.” Their “healthiest choice” for milk was fat-free organic milk.
The reason? Organic milk has been shown to contain more heart-healthy fatty acids, like omega-3′s and CLA.
Er, do they think that they’re going to find those in fat-free milk?
Proof that a low-fat diet causes brain damage.
Do these people think at all? When they’ve made it their business telling us what to think?
That is hilarious!
wow that kind of cognitive dissonance is actually kind of disturbing
Any thoughts on Chobani’s? I’m a fan, but I try to keep it for a post-workout meal or a treat because its fairly carby at 20 g (14g Protein).
They make a regular yogurt without the fruit. The container is pink and white. I think it is fat free though, although I can’t remember.
they only make low-fat that ive seen, probably why its so carby.
The Trader Joe’s and Greek Gods stuff is OK, but if you can get your hands on some “Fage” brand, it is the best. (It’s made in New York, so it’s still not real Greek yogurt from Greece; but I’ve had the same brand from Greece and I can’t tell the difference.)
Fage is thicker and generally yummier than the others I’ve tried. The down side is, my local TJ’s randomly stopped carrying the full fat stuff, and now I can only find it at Whole Foods.
Get it while you can! My Whole Foods stopped carrying the full-fat Fage months ago. I cant find it anywhere. Grrrrrr.
Our food coop only carries non-fat or 2% fat FAGE. Depressing, knowing that the full fat would be so much better.
So, I sometimes make yoghurt (though I’m off dairy at the moment.) I take the 2% FAGE for a starter — ah, but what to do? I certainly don’t want HOMOGENIZED milk, with all the fats wrecked, and I certainly want lots and lots of butterfat in the FAGE-offspring yoghurt. It’s supposed to be Greek — they like lots of butterfat! No wonder it’s so delicious.
What I’ve been doing is either buy raw milk (there’s one place I can get it, “for animal use” — I think humans are also animals) and add some whipping cream, or I buy skim milk (can’t homogenize skim milk, right?) and then add LOTS of whipping cream.
Then, I make the stuff in the oven, from a hint in Elaine Gottschall’s book “Breaking the Vicious Cycle”. She suggests putting a 60 watt bulb in your oven, and then leaving the door open just the right amount that bottles of milk and yoghurt culture are the right temperature. My oven has a fancy fixture you can’t get into, so I put a little lamp in the oven, with a 60 watt incandescent bulb, and a thermometer in one of the jars. Then I culture it all a LONG time.
In fact, I’ve bought extra incandescent bulbs the right size, in case they disappear from stores.
I like the oven method because you don’t get just a couple little containers — you can make as much as you want, it’ll all fit inside the oven.
Not only does our Whole Foods carry the full fat, they are on sale 4 for $5.00 until 3/16. I stocked up.
Today I discovered a use for the reduced fat and low-fat Fage tubs, which are the only ones stocked in the break room at my new place of employment, or apparently anywhere else in the entire town where I now commute to work. I just added the fat back in by adding a few teaspoons of my homemade ghee (from grassfed Kerrygold butter). Stir a few times and it blends right in. Tastes great and should restore at least some of the health benefits of the real stuff.
Publix has stopped carrying it too. grrrrrr
This article is hilarious! What a fun way to “mock” processed food companies. It is a shame what they do and it is a blessing what Mark does. Go Mark!
LOVED this article! I make my own full-fat yogurt and get the craziest looks from friends whenever I explain that the large white container on my counter is in fact a delicious pot of (gasp!) homemade yogurt in-the-making.
“You mean you can make yogurt? I thought only Dannon could do that!”
Thanks for spreading the word that good food doesn’t have to come in a technicolor plastic package!
I love yogurt. I ferment my own using whole milk and Stonyfield brand yogurt as a starter. I usually let it go for about 24 hours so there is little to no lactose left. The slightly bitter flavor gives my morning shakes a nice bite to ‘em!
We are yogurt-a-holics in our household, although I haven’t purchased store made in almost 2 years. For those of us with damaged gi tracts and autoimmune issues, getting good bacteria back is vaital. However, the sugar and junk in the yoplait and others isn’t going to benefit you. We make our own, it’s super easy, and when it’s fermented for 24 hours it’s almost lactose free. The lactose is broken down by the bacteria and you get a highly digestable dairy product. Yogurt made with half and half tastes identical to sour cream. Our son cannot digest lactose so I always have a batch and use in recipes in place of other dairy. We make frozen yogurt and creamsicles with it too.
I’m going to California (LaMirada) tomorrow. Anyone know of any paleo friendly restaurants nearby?
Pretty much every restaurant I’ve eaten at is Paleo friendly. I’ve never been turned down when I ask to replace the pasta or potato with seasoned veggies or fruit, and only rarely has it cost extra to do it.
Great post, Mark.
What people don’t realize is that if they eat yogurt with sugar, they negate all of the beneficial activity of the probiotics. Plain whole milk Greek yogurt is delicious, but home made yogurt, made from raw half and half, is sublime. Too bad I have to limit my casein…
I, too, make my own full-fat yogurt. Then drain the whey overnight in the fridge and it looks and tastes just like Fage. The best stuff ever! With a little bit of berries, it’s like ice cream!
I started reading and thought this must be a guest column, because this doesn’t sound like him at all! I’ll have to try Fage once I’m done with the eight-week paleo challenge I’m doing.
I try to avoid dairy, for the most part, but I do love yogurt (and Fage IS great stuff), but before discovering MDA and PB, I used to substitute soy yogurt. Now, there is a far better alternative for those who don’t or can’t consume dairy, although it costs literally twice as much:
http://www.turtlemountain.com/products/coconut_yogurt.html
Coconut Yogurt! (Cocogurt?)
Did you read the label ? 22g of carbs (19g sugar) per serving
not a good choice for diabetics- only high sugared flavors. I use a lot of coconut products but this one is not a replacement for Total Fage.
Just so you don’t eat any more of the damned soy. Lierre Keith’s book opened my eyes. I started wondering why it’s even legal to grow soy beans for food!
(pardon the flame …)
if coconut milk yogurt tastes as nasty as the coconut milk kefir, NO THANKS. this is from a person who actually LIKES coconut.
Thank you for posting this today. I really struggle with the family on their purchase of the ‘convenience packs’ of the kid’s yogurt. Forwarding this post on to help.
I started out on Chobani (the kind with the fruit already in it). Now that I’m really keeping my carbs low and have cut out sugar, my taste for sweet has declined dramatically. It was pretty easy to drop the Chobani and switch to Fage total and mix in just a handful of blueberries myself. Heck, I even like it plain! Food doesn’t have to taste like a salt lick or sugar bowl to be good…we just have to heal our palates sometimes to appreciate it.
Hilarous, wonderful post, Mark.
I try to limit dairy, but when I buy greek yogurt I go for Oikos because it’s the only organic brand I can find. I do find that Fage tastes a bit better, but I’d rather buy organic.
Someone mentioned Coconut Milk Kefir above and I actually wanted to ask Mark about it. I recently bought some of the original/unsweetened variety (although haven’t tried it yet) to get some dairy-free probiotics. [http://www.turtlemountain.com/products/coconut_milk_kefir.html] I know it doesn’t have the protein of a real dairy kefir, but how does it stack up otherwise? Primal enough?
I’ve been making my own yogurt for a couple years, and drain some of the whey off to pickle some vegetables. Two of the easiest things to do in the kitchen.
http://www.sweetsurprise.com
And you think seeing Danon commercials telling you to take the 30 day Danon challenge was laughable? Try sitting through the 23second spot about 2 women pouring red liquid from a gallon jug into a kids sippie cup and telling the other woman “It’s just as natural as regular sugar.”
I threw my kettlebell at the TV last night I was so angry.
Oh, and FAGE Total is FTW! If you can find it. 2% and 0% are worthless.
i also see a 5% but i will not buy any and show a demand for it. Total or nothing. please people support the good stuff by not buying the fake stuff. Consumer power is all we have in the long run.
Fish Friday = yogurt for dinner tonight! Baked wild salmon topped with horseradish dill Fage yogurt!
I almost spit my grass-fed beef liver lunch all over my keyboard reading today’s post! My kids love FAGE total yogurt. It also makes a great smoothie base. We blend frozen wild blueberries, farmer’s market strawberries, and sometimes a banana in the food processor and then mix it into a large bowl of FAGE Total yogurt. The best dessert I can think of!
My older daughter just started drinking greek-milk kefir, too, and she loves it.
Your yogurt rage reminded me of one of my favorite books, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It cracked me up when you crushed and snorted the antibiotic. But it had to be done.
I have to ask my Samoan lawyer about that.
Very chucklesome, thanks.
We can’t get un-pasteurised stuff in Australia. It’s against the law except for a couple of kinds of cheese, I think.
It’s bizarre. We can buy cigarettes and smoke ourselves to death but we can’t buy or sell un-pasteurised milk!
What a species! A model of modern scientific, cultural and social behaviour and thought.
Cheers,
Andrew.
Hi Andrew
I assume you are talking about pasteurised milk from shops. Surely you can get direct from farmer’s markets?
Bill (Perth)