Marks Daily Apple
Serving up health and fitness insights (daily, of course) with a side of irreverence.
18 Oct

Twinkie Dust Is Like Star Dust. Or Something. What?

twinkieloveIn defense of the Twinkie (wait, haven’t we heard that one before?), the Important People at Hostess explain exasperatedly that trying to understand what the Twinkie is made of is just like trying to understand the entire universe. Look, this miniature sticky cake of chemicals is as mysterious and magical as the very cosmos in which we exist. Duh. Don’t you feel silly now?

Unfortunately, the Important People are not delusional in the slightest. Twinkies are made of dozens of chemicals and at least 5 different rocks, so in truth, these little loaves of limestone really kinda are the universe. It appears you can manufacture irony, and it requires only 39 ingredients. I feel the welling up of an existential crisis of the sort not experienced since I watched my landlord wear a Dolce & Gabbana jacket to fix the toilet. There are some things money can’t buy, but for everything else, there’s rent.

Twinkies are comprised of 39 ingredients, 5 of which are rocks and 3 of which are petroleum. The cream is not real cream. The flavor is not real flavor. The color is not real color. The Twinkie contains ingredients that are also found in shampoo, sheet rock, and rocket fuel.

There is only one word for that: luscious.

Further reading:

The Man Behind Fried Everything

Fried Lattes: Finally!

The Bees Visit the Middle Aisles of the Grocery Store

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Imagine you’re George Clooney. Take a moment to admire your grooming and wit. Okay, now imagine someone walks up to you and asks, “What’s your name?” You say, “I’m George Clooney.” Or maybe you say, “I’m the Clooninator!” You don’t say “I’m George of George Clooney Sells Movies Blog” and you certainly don’t say, “I’m Clooney Weight Loss Plan”. So while spam is technically meat, it ain’t anywhere near Primal. Please nickname yourself something your friends would call you.

  1. Thanks for digging up that info. Sara.
    Good Example NOT to eat junk food, and also
    to read ingredients on labels before to put
    it in your mouth. Sometimes “taste” is
    deceiving.

    Donna wrote on October 18th, 2007
  2. Yeeesh.

    Lemur wrote on October 18th, 2007
  3. What about the Ho-Ho or the Cupcake, are they also contaminated by unique ingredients?

    Oxybeles wrote on October 18th, 2007
  4. Yeah, they’re unique alright Oxybeles.

    Donna-I like what Jack Lalane said once, “if it tastes good, spit it out”. Hehehe.

    Crystal wrote on October 18th, 2007
  5. Despite reading that I’m craving a Twinkie now :)

    Jerry wrote on October 18th, 2007
  6. My sibs and I all hated Twinkies as kids, and so did our friends. We liked cupcakes and loved Ding Dongs best and couldn’t figure out who actually bought and ate Twinkies. Strange how we detected a clear taste difference since they’re all pretty much made with the same ingredients. Mom’s cakes and cookies were no better – all made with cupfuls of pure trans-fatty Crisco, which she still uses today. Luckily, my family was working poor, and sweets were a rare treat when we were growing up.

    Sonagi wrote on October 18th, 2007
  7. BTW, I hope you didn’t actually bite into that Twinkie, or if you did, that you promptly spat out the contents into a waste receptacle, where they belong.

    Sonagi wrote on October 18th, 2007
  8. OMG!!!! Did you know they make BRIDGES out of IRON!?!?!? I’m going to avoid all foods with iron now!!! That would be rational!

    Dave wrote on October 18th, 2007
  9. As Carl Sagan said, “We are all star stuff!”

    (He also said “The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.” But then he hadn’t met the important people at Hostess).

    Robin wrote on October 19th, 2007
  10. Crystal, Jack Lalane is right with that saying!

    We all know Junk food tastes good, but NOT good for you.

    I’d rather eat healthy food that makes you feel good “healthwise” rather than eating junk food that makes you feel good “emotionaly.”

    Donna wrote on October 19th, 2007
  11. Did you take a bite out of the twinkie and place it on the asphalt for the photo?

    Lala wrote on October 19th, 2007
  12. I laughed out loud, twice. Fine work. (Perceived sanity from perspective of my housemates – not so high).

    We don’t have Twinkies over here.

    Not as food, anyway.

    I think Twinkies would be ideal for things like future Mars expeditions, since they’re simply stuffed full of chemicals. Patter a couple of billion Twinkies over Mars before the astronauts arrive. They could be a ready source of chemicals for all sorts of essential manufacturing needs.

    Not food, of course. They’d need food for that.

    Mike Sowden wrote on October 21st, 2007
  13. That said, sometimes I really do miss cramming Twinkies down my piehole. Then I remember how miserable I felt in those days and stop myself.

    Grok wrote on May 18th, 2009

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