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October 18, 2007

Twinkie Dust Is Like Star Dust. Or Something. What?

By Sara
16 Comments

In defense of the Twinkie (wait, haven’t we heard that one before?), the Important People at Hostess explain exasperatedly that trying to understand what the Twinkie is made of is just like trying to understand the entire universe. Look, this miniature sticky cake of chemicals is as mysterious and magical as the very cosmos in which we exist. Duh. Don’t you feel silly now?

Unfortunately, the Important People are not delusional in the slightest. Twinkies are made of dozens of chemicals and at least 5 different rocks, so in truth, these little loaves of limestone really kinda are the universe. It appears you can manufacture irony, and it requires only 39 ingredients. I feel the welling up of an existential crisis of the sort not experienced since I watched my landlord wear a Dolce & Gabbana jacket to fix the toilet. There are some things money can’t buy, but for everything else, there’s rent.

Twinkies are comprised of 39 ingredients, 5 of which are rocks and 3 of which are petroleum. The cream is not real cream. The flavor is not real flavor. The color is not real color. The Twinkie contains ingredients that are also found in shampoo, sheet rock, and rocket fuel.

There is only one word for that: luscious.

Further reading:

The Man Behind Fried Everything

Fried Lattes: Finally!

The Bees Visit the Middle Aisles of the Grocery Store

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16 Comments on "Twinkie Dust Is Like Star Dust. Or Something. What?"

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Donna
Donna
8 years 11 months ago

Thanks for digging up that info. Sara.
Good Example NOT to eat junk food, and also
to read ingredients on labels before to put
it in your mouth. Sometimes “taste” is
deceiving.

Lemur
Lemur
8 years 11 months ago

Yeeesh.

Oxybeles
Oxybeles
8 years 11 months ago

What about the Ho-Ho or the Cupcake, are they also contaminated by unique ingredients?

Crystal
Crystal
8 years 11 months ago

Yeah, they’re unique alright Oxybeles.

Donna-I like what Jack Lalane said once, “if it tastes good, spit it out”. Hehehe.

Jerry
Jerry
8 years 11 months ago

Despite reading that I’m craving a Twinkie now 🙂

Sonagi
Sonagi
8 years 11 months ago

My sibs and I all hated Twinkies as kids, and so did our friends. We liked cupcakes and loved Ding Dongs best and couldn’t figure out who actually bought and ate Twinkies. Strange how we detected a clear taste difference since they’re all pretty much made with the same ingredients. Mom’s cakes and cookies were no better – all made with cupfuls of pure trans-fatty Crisco, which she still uses today. Luckily, my family was working poor, and sweets were a rare treat when we were growing up.

Sonagi
Sonagi
8 years 11 months ago

BTW, I hope you didn’t actually bite into that Twinkie, or if you did, that you promptly spat out the contents into a waste receptacle, where they belong.

Dave
Dave
8 years 11 months ago

OMG!!!! Did you know they make BRIDGES out of IRON!?!?!? I’m going to avoid all foods with iron now!!! That would be rational!

Robin
Robin
8 years 11 months ago

As Carl Sagan said, “We are all star stuff!”

(He also said “The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.” But then he hadn’t met the important people at Hostess).

Donna
Donna
8 years 11 months ago

Crystal, Jack Lalane is right with that saying!

We all know Junk food tastes good, but NOT good for you.

I’d rather eat healthy food that makes you feel good “healthwise” rather than eating junk food that makes you feel good “emotionaly.”

Lala
Lala
8 years 11 months ago

Did you take a bite out of the twinkie and place it on the asphalt for the photo?

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[…] Daily Apple has an eye-opening post about what exactly is in a Hostess Twinkie. Eat some rocks […]

Mike Sowden
8 years 11 months ago

I laughed out loud, twice. Fine work. (Perceived sanity from perspective of my housemates – not so high).

We don’t have Twinkies over here.

Not as food, anyway.

I think Twinkies would be ideal for things like future Mars expeditions, since they’re simply stuffed full of chemicals. Patter a couple of billion Twinkies over Mars before the astronauts arrive. They could be a ready source of chemicals for all sorts of essential manufacturing needs.

Not food, of course. They’d need food for that.

Grok
7 years 4 months ago

That said, sometimes I really do miss cramming Twinkies down my piehole. Then I remember how miserable I felt in those days and stop myself.

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[…] Thanks for visiting!To triple-patty cheese and bread bombs we say,”No!” To all doughy cream sticks we say, “Nonsense!” To deep fried potatoes on a stick we say, “Seriously? Where […]

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6 years 4 months ago

[…] Photo credit […]

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