The 10 Dumbest Drugs Ever Invented
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When Big Pharma and the health care system get together to “treat” our health issues, it’s like a Dumb and Dumber convention. (It’s a treat, all right.) Allow us to present the ten stupidest drugs, ever. Well, at least the ten stupidest drugs, today.
Ah, the golden elixir. Drugs: magically delicious!
10. Avandia
Because why eat right and exercise when you can consume a known toxin (sugar) and then just take a drug for it that will give you a heart attack? Doesn’t that sound like more fun? Go Pharma, it’s your birthday!
…But That’s Not Gonna Stop the FDA
9. Alli
Somehow, a drug that carries the warning to wear dark clothing in the unfortunate event of, well, “incidents” just doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence – but maybe we’re just being insecure. The oily spotting and lack of effectiveness are awesome, but seriously, who wants to wear black in summer?
Top 10 Alli Leaks, Oops, Links
8. Zetia
This is a special statin. S-p-e-c-i-a-l. The ad for Zetia proudly explains how Zetia does – wait for it – not work. You see, most statins “work” (and that’s being generous) in the liver, but Zetia absorbs cholesterol from the food you eat. Zetia just works differently: unlike some statins, Zetia has not been shown to prevent heart disease or heart attacks. Well, that’s a comfort!
Zetia: a Different Way to Help Fight Cholesterol!
7. BiDil
You know BiDil: the racist decades-old drug that is less effective than every other heart disease treatment. Obviously, it makes sense to market this golden oldie to African Americans on the basis of fun things like zero scientific evidence! Besides, other medicines work better on everyone (including African Americans). But whatever. It’s so encouraging to know that the federal government now has legal precedent to make medical rulings based upon race. It just makes sense, really. Think about it: giraffes and leopards belong together because they’re spotted. Tigers and zebras are both stripey. Treating humans based upon external appearance is just nature’s way. Hooray for segregation!
Big Pharma’s Benevolent Racism
6. Yaz
Now Yaz has a really cool commercial, and that’s what counts. Oh, you’ve seen it. A glamorous gaggle is hittin’ the club scene, gettin’ some party on, complete with fruity, hip cosmopolitans in every hand. Naturally, the ladies are discussing the hot new birth control pill: Yaz! After recounting recent medical studies and listing all the side effects alphabetically, exactly like a million other women in clubs all across America on any given night, we learn that one of these young lovelies is a real live doctor! With a capital M.D.! A female doctor? How edgy and unusual! Yaz is cool, not just because the actress in the commercial is a “doctor”, but because it’s way more dangerous than other birth control pills. Best of all, Yaz understands that women are just crazy (something men have known all along). Yaz includes a special hormone to help you be less crazy. Isn’t that thoughtful? Poor women, they just need all the help they can get. (Runner up: Serafem. Because only women are affected by hormones, and the more we can numb the little loons, the better!)
5. Cox-2’s
It’s just too easy with this one. (Unlike exercise.)
“Understand the risks“…of being a sloth.
4. The Pecker Pills (Levitra/Viagra/Cialis)
Hey, not being able to get it up just might be God’s (or Charles’) way of reminding you that you shouldn’t have a shot at passing your genes along so some other poor bastard can share your fate. These are drugs of de-evolution. They reward genetic inferiority. Oh, were you expecting this post to be politically correct?
3. RLS Treatments
Because inventing diseases is fun! Have you heard about PDA Separation Anxiety? Or trafficitis? You may want to consider getting checked for Roll Discomfort Syndrome, as well.
2. GERD treatments: the New Way to Spell GLUTTONY
Gerd your loins for these little purple pills. When Prilosec didn’t work so well, they just renamed it Nexium and that did the trick! Because why exercise and eat vegetables when you can live on free-radical infested, acidic deep fried garbage? Just pop a pill and you can still enjoy all the chili cheese fries and Coca-Cola you’ve always adored! Best of all, this won’t get in the way of your best-laid plans for obesity.
1. Reader survey: what’s the worst drug, ever?
Tell us what you think!
Further reading:
Note: this post is pure parody, so please do remember that fun is still allowed even in these days of regulation. If you think today’s been a riot, just wait until tomorrow when Mark posts his eagerly anticipated, guaranteed-to-ruffle-someone’s-feathers Health Care Proposal.
Also on the burner for tomorrow: Mark’s famous daily salad finally debuts at MDA! We’ll share some great salad recipes and we’ll also be posting a helpful guide to summer safety for the whole family.
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Posted By: Worker Bee
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RU-486.
Methylphenidate – Ritalin – when prescribed for children.
Because do children really need something that will either turn them into stimulant junkies or depressed zombies and with the added bonus of “increased likelihood of drug abuse and addictions”? Don’t they have enough crap to deal with?
“The adverse reactions (side effects) for Ritalin include nervousness, insomnia, joint pains, fever, anorexia, nausea, dizziness, palpitations, headache, dyskinesia, drowsiness, increased blood pressure and pulse, rapid heart rate, angina, cardiac arrhythmias, abdominal pain, actual psychosis. And there is a major warning in the Physician’s Desk Reference regarding drug dependency.”
“One study examined the history of a group of adults who had used cocaine at least once, and found that those who as children had been medically diagnosed with hyperactivity and had received methylphenidate treatment for between one and ten years had a percentage of cocaine abuse twice that of either of two control groups…”
Sources:
- Day, Lorraine. “Preventing Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and ADHD” (http://www.drday.com/attentiondeficit.htm)
- Schenk, Susan and Davidson, Emily S.. Stimulant Preexposure Sensitizes Rats and Humans to the Rewarding Effects of Cocaine. NIDA Res Monogr. 1998 Mar;169:56-82
- Wilens, T.E. (2004). “Impact of ADHD and its treatment on substance abuse in adults”. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 2004;65 Suppl 3:38-45.
- Wilens, T.E., Biederman, J. (2006). “Alcohol, drugs, and attention-deficit/ hyperactivity disorder: a model for the study of addictions in youth”. J Psychopharmacol., 2006 Jul;20(4):580-8. Epub 2005 Sep 20.
- Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. “More students abusing hyperactivity drugs” (http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/s_265518.html)
Too many doctors are prescribing too many anti-depressants/anti-anxiety drugs instead of doing their job and figuring out the cause! Nobody has a prozac defiency.
I also have a bone to pick with synthroid.
I think my favorite is Zetia. “Zetia does – wait for it – not work”. You almost have to admire the thought process of introducing a drug that doesn’t work. I’m pretty sure I could work for the pharma industry. I really think I could come up with the “NEXT BIG THING” … that doesn’t work, purposely doesn’t work.
I was astonished, Terry, when I was flipping through a magazine and saw the Zetia ad. “So it doesn’t work? And you’re saying it can’t do anything? So the point is…?” Nuts.
Cheers, Brian!
Whether or not ritalin is one of the worst drugs, it is certainly one of the most improperly prescribed. Speaking of ritalin/cocaine. My freshman year at college I had friends who used ritalin to cram for exams. By senior year these were the ones who were reigniting the cocaine craze.
Okay, now I’ve got some beef with Viagra being on this list. You’re saying people who can’t get it up are just genetically inferior and shouldn’t have kids? Sort of like people with anemia should just freakin’ bleed to death before they have anemic kids? And cancer is God’s way of saying give up and die? Or maybe my friend who became a paraplegic after being hit by a car, has no right to have children (note: doctor’s were doubtful the viagra would work. It did, he now has a two year old son). And most importantly, old people shouldn’t be allowed to have sex.
Viagra works. I would rank it as one of the 10 best. Tell me I’m wrong.
I can vouch for the ritalin/cocaine craze in college (not personally, mind you!).
I happen to love my Yaz for making me less crazy! But why is it more dangerous than other birth controls?
Yaz can increase potassium levels substantially: http://www.rxlist.com/cgi/generic/yaz_ad.htm
Although I don’t think birth control really needs to be on this spoof list. I would prefer to see Enzyte and cellulite creams – all the supposed herbal “enhancement” drugs for men and women!
Rozerem, a.k.a Ramelteon
Is a sedative, also called a hypnotic. Used to treat insomnia.
Can cause severe allergic reaction such as hives, difficulty breathing, swelling of the face, lips, tongue, or throat. Stop using if the following occur:
1. Aggression, agitation, changes in behavior.
2. Thoughts of hurting yourself.
3. Hallucinations.
4. Changes in menstrual periods, discharge from the nipples.
Keep taking and talk to your doctor if;
1. Day-time drowsiness, dizziness, hangover feeling.
2. Depression.
3. Headache.
4. Nausea.
5. Constipation.
6. Unusual or unpleasant taste in your mouth.
7. Joint or muscle pain.
Sleep tight!
Let’s not forget Ambien. People who take it have eaten sticks of butter, packs of cigarettes, and driven for miles without even realizing it.
People eat packs of cigarrettes?
Behold, mi amigo: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/03/15/earlyshow/health/health_news/main1404632.shtml
I eat packs of cigarettes, sticks of butter, and drive for miles with out realizing it, and I don’t even take any medicine at all!
Oxybeles-Don’t worry about the side effects from Rozerem. There are plenty of drugs to treat those. “Wink”.
I like to sit in bed and watch Jay Leno. Has anyone else noticed that all the commericials are drug ads? So, every night we are told we have insomnia or need viagra. Yes, sweet dreams.
If that’s the case, Bradford, maybe you should consider taking some.
Maybe people can’t sleep because they’re eating packs of cigarettes. This ambien sleep walking/driving thing amazes me. Out of desperation, I took ambien a couple years ago. No affect what so ever. No sleep, not even drowsy.
#9…seeing warnings like “anal leakage” possible..um, no thanks!
Thanks for stopping by my blog.
I am cracking up at your #4!!!
No problem Jill – great stuff you have there.
…….
Honestly, I think you don’t really have a clue what you’re talking about. GERD is not caused by gluttony – indigestion might be, but GERD is different. And RLS is real. I’m not a fan of Alli, but it works, so what do I care? Ritalin works too – my nephew was suicidal before they put him on it. And no, he wasn’t poorly behaved, he was seriously suffering.
Yaz is a low-estrogen OC. I really don’t see that problem there. Is it the advertising that’s bothering you? That I’ll agree with.
I know people who have suffered from RLS for decades. While it is true the advertisements tend to make people think they have RLS when they do not (and, of course, mislead people into thinking that the drug is the best treatment, which often is not the case), this is one case wherein the pharmaceutical company did not “invent” the disease. I worked at a rheumatology and pain clinic for many years also, and the suffering from this ailment was very real. GERD is not caused by gluttony; my mother suffers terribly from GERD, and she is no way “gluttonous.” I have a skinny, highly active nephew who has GERD — not a glutton. In fact, nobody I know with GERD overeats. =/
I absolutely love the spirit of the list, and I got a good laugh out of it. No offense taken in any way, shape or form. I hate how pharmaceutical companies mislead us, seduce us with “easy” fixes, and invent diseases. But I just disagree with a few of these.
Hangover pills, My guess would be that the dehydrogenase used in the pills may be acetaldehyde dehydrogenase. That might then help people who have too little of it. That’s REALLY giving this company the benefit of the doubt though.
I am a very healthy, active 20-year-old, and I do take Nexium. I do exercise, and I eat vegetables. I take vitamins and don’t eat “deep fried garbage” or drink soda for that matter. I also avoid all the acidic foods known to aggravate GERD (even chili cheese fries). And at 120 pounds, I wouldn’t consider myself obese. All that, and I still have severe GERD. Hence: the Nexium. While a good portion of America may fall into the previously-described, less-than-healthy category, I don’t. So perhaps before suggesting that I’m a glutton who doesn’t need medication, one could first realize the Nexium that I take actually could have been developed for people like me.
Clearly you have never tried Viagra.
#9…With “allies” like that, who needs enemas?
I suffer from GERD in the extreme. When I have an attack I will be in bed in agony for weeks. My stomach will bloat so that I look pregnant.
I didnt want to take medication so I went on a very restrictive diet. I ate nothing acidic – no soft drink, no caffine, no chocolate, no tomato or chilli, not even much meat. I basically lived on lightly steamed vegetables with a little apple cider vinegar for taste (And becaue it apparently is healing for the stomach). I only drank water. I walked a lot. I lost weight on this diet and kept it up for nearly 9 months. I still had GERD attacks. I now take Nexium but only when I feel an attack coming on.
What would you recommend I try instead? The doctors don’t seem to have any other ideas. What would cure me of my GERD?
Thank you for great post!
I’m just fed up with the medical industry as a whole! They don’t look for the source of a problem…they just mask it. Most health problems these days can be fixed with a proper diet. Antibiotics should not be used for every single sniffle, they weaken the immune system. Not to mention create antibiotic resistant strains.
However, I do realize that there is a place for modern medicine. There are some illnesses that need to be treated with antibiotics every time. I agree with the person that people these days are too impatient and need that quick fix pill.
My husband’s co-worker said to him one day “I just don’t know about those herbs. You don’t know what their effect is on you. I take some decongestants when I’m sick and I feel all better!” I just rolled my eyes when I heard this. I firmly believe in holistic healing and am an amateur herbalist, I use goldenseal, thyme, catnip, and a couple of other herbs. They don’t mask the symptom or force your body into a chemical reaction. Herbs support your body to help it heal itself.
lol. Sorry for my rant…the medical industry is one of my pet peeves.
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