March
2007
The Sisson Spoof
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Those Chemicals Sure Are Sparkly!
Vegan Porn (just check out the site) led me to this news item in the New York Times. Faced with angry parents tired of the vending machine mafia, increasing attention to the dangers of sugar (like I always say, sugar is the new trans fat), and a national obesity epidemic, soda makers are trying to come up with better marketing tactics.
Instead of pop or soda, carbonated corn-syrup-fests will now be referred to as “sparkling beverages”. And that’s going to stick? Not as well as your heel does in a day-old pop puddle.
For the first time in America, soda sales are down as people turn to bottled water, iced tea and other healthier choices. This is just ridiculous, frets Coke’s CEO, E. Neville Isdell, because “Diet and light brands are actually health and wellness brands.”
7up started fortifying its soda and making claims about being “all natural” back in 2004, to much furor. In my opinion, adding vitamin C to a can of chemicals isn’t going to do anyone any health favors. But, Isdell and his ilk are convinced this is the right - and healthy - way to go.
Okay. If this is any sign of the times, I see healthy brand extension opportunities here, and not just for soda - er, “sparkling beverages”:
Hard Apple Cider: “Now with selenium. Really puts the little tykes to sleep!”
Krispy Kreme Donuts: “Our tasty rings build crucial motor skills in toddlers. Don’t forget to try out Hostess donut holes for proper grip development!”
Kool-aid: “Yellow No. 5 helps kids learn to count!”
Fortified breakfast pastries: “Just think where your healthy diet would be without 2% of your RDA of iron!”
[...] Isn’t is great to know that coffee and soda are hydration alternatives to water? Now, if this little pipsqueak would just drink from a metal can instead of a plastic bottle, she’d be showing us how to stay hydrated, healthy and environmentally safe! I was really concerned about what alternatives might be available now that I’m avoiding buying bottled water. Soda, I mean, sparkling beverages, come in cans, which are better for the environment. But until now, I thought sodas, I mean, sparkling beverages, were unhealthy. That just goes to show, boy, what do I know! All this time, the real health issue has been hydration. Nothing more, nothing less. Thanks, Coca-Cola! [...]