Marks Daily Apple
Serving up health and fitness insights (daily, of course) with a side of irreverence.
8 Mar

The Sisson Spoof

Those Chemicals Sure Are Sparkly!

Vegan Porn (just check out the site) led me to this news item in the New York Times. Faced with angry parents tired of the vending machine mafia, increasing attention to the dangers of sugar (like I always say, sugar is the new trans fat), and a national obesity epidemic, soda makers are trying to come up with better marketing tactics.

Instead of pop or soda, carbonated corn-syrup-fests will now be referred to as “sparkling beverages”. And that’s going to stick? Not as well as your heel does in a day-old pop puddle.

For the first time in America, soda sales are down as people turn to bottled water, iced tea and other healthier choices. This is just ridiculous, frets Coke’s CEO, E. Neville Isdell, because ‚ÄúDiet and light brands are actually health and wellness brands.”

healthycoke

7up started fortifying its soda and making claims about being “all natural” back in 2004, to much furor. In my opinion, adding vitamin C to a can of chemicals isn’t going to do anyone any health favors. But, Isdell and his ilk are convinced this is the right – and healthy – way to go.

Okay. If this is any sign of the times, I see healthy brand extension opportunities here, and not just for soda – er, “sparkling beverages”:

Hard Apple Cider: “Now with selenium. Really puts the little tykes to sleep!”

Krispy Kreme Donuts: “Our tasty rings build crucial motor skills in toddlers. Don’t forget to try out Hostess donut holes for proper grip development!”

Kool-aid: “Yellow No. 5 helps kids learn to count!”

Fortified breakfast pastries: “Just think where your healthy diet would be without 2% of your RDA of iron!”

You want comments? We got comments:

Imagine you’re George Clooney. Take a moment to admire your grooming and wit. Okay, now imagine someone walks up to you and asks, “What’s your name?” You say, “I’m George Clooney.” Or maybe you say, “I’m the Clooninator!” You don’t say “I’m George of George Clooney Sells Movies Blog” and you certainly don’t say, “I’m Clooney Weight Loss Plan”. So while spam is technically meat, it ain’t anywhere near Primal. Please nickname yourself something your friends would call you.

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