January
2007
Scientists Perplexed: Issue ‘Impossible Calorie Award’
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We had to bring in an auxiliary team of researchers just to help us out with this one. (They were not from Denmark.) Chili’s restaurant offers so many impossibly caloric meals, two scientists resigned in protest and a third left only a note with the words “I fold” written shakily in the lower left corner.
Exhibit A: The entire selection of burgers - without fries. Enough calories to terrify petri dishes everywhere.
Exhibit B: Chili’s “Favorites”. Enough calories to ensure every man, woman and child has a heart attack.
Exhibit C: By far the most ridiculous high-calorie item we have discovered…anywhere. on. planet. earth. Supplying 2.5 days’ worth of calories, the “Awesome Blossom” truly offers some serious awe. 2,700 calories? 203 grams of fat? Six thousand mg’s of sodium?
“Awesome” is often used in the modern patois to denote “cool” or “wow” or “kinda better than average I guess.” We’d like to congratulate Chili’s Restaurant for producing a food product with an astoundingly accurate name - because words mean things. Thanks, Chili’s.
[...] Mark’s been griping about the Cheesecake Factory’s one-pound slices of cake and Chili’s 2,700-calorie onion appetizer for months. Finally, a group decides that burritos as big as shoes [...]