Prodding Parents to Get Healthy
Monday’s “Dear Mark” sparked a great discussion about raising healthy kids, but the conversation really got going (in the comment board and forum) when readers lamented the hard-headedness of their parents.
Yes, we too often paint younger folks as the impulsive, devil-may-care madcaps or hapless Pied Piper targets. Truth is, there are plenty of those qualities in every age demographic. Kids aren’t the only ones who can dig in their heels after all. So, to take on the flipside of Monday’s question, what’s a Primal child (of any age) to do when Mom and Dad are the ones whose health needs a major overhaul?
I venture to say that many more people find themselves in the role of concerned progeny than those who commented Monday. Far too many of us, I imagine, have been grudging witnesses over the years to our parents’ destructive health habits – whether it be crummy diet, complete lack of physical activity, smoking, workaholic lifestyle, chronic stress, or – who knows – compulsive use of household insecticides. Sometimes it’s ignorance on their part. Other times it’s denial. In some cases, it’s flat out apathy.
We drop hints at dinner. We drop pamphlets, articles or whole books on their coffee tables. At turns, we find ourselves lecturing. We argue. We offer to help – to make dinner, suggest some relaxation techniques or pay for a gym membership. In the midst of the back and forth, some of us deal with the frustration better than others. Perhaps those of us who recently moved out or are in the process of doing so are just glad to be on our own, away from the influence for a while. However, for many of us it’s an ongoing source of disappointment and even an emotional roadblock in the relationship.
The questions nag at the back of our brains and maybe tug at the heart strings a little. Why won’t they listen to reason? Why don’t they value their own health? Don’t they want to live to be there for their grandchildren – for me? How can it not bother them to be giving up decades of their lives or at least the hope of some additional active and independent years? What am I supposed to do here? Will anything I do or say make any difference whatsoever?
Step Back
As difficult as it is, maybe the first step in dealing with the quandary is this: we should all take a step back. (A big breath helps too.) There’s a certain freedom in accepting that you aren’t responsible for another person’s choices. Although you certainly have a big stake in their health, in their independence, in their well-being, in their being in this world period, the fact is and will always remain that you don’t run their lives. If you genuinely worry for them, it’s a painful realization, but at least it can stop you from beating your head against the wall. It’s not your fault. It’s not under your control. It’s sad and horribly unfortunate that they stand a big chance of missing out on some of their good years as well as your life and your kids’, but there it is. Ultimately, it’s out of your hands. Que Sera isn’t a comforting concept, but it can be a liberating one.
Don’t Apologize for Your Lifestyle
Just as they are going to live their lives the way they want, make no bones about doing the same for yourself. Stop feeling guilty for refusing your mother’s pie at Thanksgiving if you don’t want it. Stop apologizing for bringing your own food to their house or turning down Sunday night get-togethers if that’s a good workout night for you. Stop caving to their pushing treats on the grandkids. Maybe the more you stand by your lifestyle, the more seriously they’ll take it. If not, you’ll at least feel more in control of your own life and less swept up by their choices.
Appreciate Small Changes
Just because you accept that you don’t control the ultimate outcome doesn’t mean you can’t leave the door open for them to change or that you can’t make the adjoining room all the more inviting. I’d never say give up encouraging your parents to get healthy. Nonetheless, it’s all about perspective. When you take yourself out of the role of health director or even rescuer, you’re in a much better mindset to encourage, see and appreciate smaller changes. You’re not caught up in the vision of deep and desperate change for them. Once you take the pressure off, they might soften up a bit and surprise you.
Offer Some Healthy Bonding Opportunities
So, your dad probably isn’t going to ever accompany you to a PrimalCon event, but maybe you can convince him to go for a walk on a nice spring day. Though your mother will never give up her carbs, she’ll love spending Sunday brunch at your house (with your food) when she can have fun with the grandkids. Invite your parents to participate in your life – and the lifestyle that goes along with it. Find things that both of you can enjoy and get something out of.
Finally, however frustrating or unchanging your parents’ choices are, enjoy your time with them. Live life to the fullest with them as much as you can. Show them you care and that you enjoy their company. Let them know they’re an important part of your life. In the best or worst circumstances, you’ll be glad you did. There’s an old fable in which the sun and wind compete to see who can get the coat off a man passing by. In the harshness of the wind, the man simply clutches his coat more tightly. In the sun’s warmth, he happily casts it aside. In the best circumstances, perhaps warmth and love provide the best inspiration for healthy change.
Have your own stories and strategies for prodding your parents or other family members toward a healthier lifestyle? Thanks for reading.
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Posted By: Mark Sisson
I always have this with my parents. It’s tough but you should try and keep them informed.
I’ve seen it stated time and time again that it is near impossible to give advice to your own parents
My mother is diabetic and eats the usual SAD. She´s obese, osteoperotic, arhritic aso. Sugar is important and nearly zero fat normal. She uses sucrose, fructose and aspartame all together in the coffee. As one can imagine you don´t need to argue. She knows everything. So I´m always advised what to eat. Regardless of the evidence of my health improvements.If I had followed her diet I would be nearly dead. I just prevent the worst.
More worry about my husband who is still healthy but also on SAD. Don´t know how to convince him to give up at least grain/sugar. we are the only couple I know where the wife is the meat eater and the husband on carbs. Thanks to all of you for sharing.
Wow, what a timely article. My parents are both 80 years old, and we’re dealing with some serious issues with my father, who has Parkinson’s as well as a number of other health issues, including diabetes.
An average day for them consists of frozen pancakes with syrup for breakfast, Spaghettio’s for lunch, meat and potatoes for dinner, and chocolate, ice cream and shots of insulin between those meals. Just a scary way to live.
What I have to remember is that they are from a different generation. What they consider a healthy meal is nowhere near what I consider a healthy meal. Exercise isn’t even something they think about.
My gentle efforts have been in vain. I’m sure they will both end up in a nursing home in the not so distant future. Maybe if they are given no option but to eat healthier foods, their diet will improve. But it seems like it’s just a little too late…
Chris, I feel your pain.
I’ve watched my dad drink and eat his way to diabetes, high cholesterol and blood pressure, which ultimately led to a disabling stroke.
My mother also had a stroke a few years later, though that was down to a leaky heart valve causing trouble rather than diet-related.
I’ve tried getting them back on track – I printed out Mark’s Guide to Grains and a few other things but they are still eating bread and muesli, plus ready meals because the strokes mean they can’t manage in the kitchen too well any more.
My dad still eats biscuits (that’s cookies, if you’re American).
I’m an only child, so their ill health directly affects me since I will be the one left as a carer in the future – either that or forfeit any potential inheritance to pay to put them in a home. I am unmarried and have no siblings to help share the burden.
Parents not taking responsibility for their own health is not just a matter of frustration – it has very serious implications.
my dad is the LAST person i would have expected would show an interest in my primal diet. i never tried to push it. he kept asking questions over the phone and asking for recipes. he liked the recipes! a couple weeks ago he asked me to write down a summary of how it works. so i’m working on a short book, more of a long pamphlet, for him, i’m calling it “the primal primer”. i’m so happy he will be healthier, and instead of my diet causing me to seem like a freak, as it usually does, it’s actually creating common ground in this instance! I’m really proud of him because he lost his wife to cancer a year ago and instead of just eating out (which he could afford to do) or eating junk, he is taking the initiative to cook for himself and make it good food. He’s 72.
I bought PB for my Mom for her birthday last summer. She read it cover to cover, then consulted with me (she asked tons of questions that I was more than happy to respond). After a visit last October, she and my step dad went completely primal. No carbs (except for a little potatoes here and there), no fruit (not even berries), and no crap. They’ve both lost a lot of weight (though they were not very overweight to begin with) and feel much better. And after taking 4k iu Vitamin D3, my mom experiences milder symptoms of erythropoietic protoporphyria (which I’ve ‘cured’ for myself).
Now if I can only get my step mother on board, and my father-in-law who has type 2 diabetes but won’t give up white rice to save his life (literally), I’ll be one happy camper. But I’m putting more energy into getting my kids to be primal first.
So just thought I’d share a little anectdote. I’m in college at UW-Madison. I don’t drink, and I live a very primal lifestyle because I am training for the 2010 CrossFit Games. This weekend is one the liveliest we have had so far this semester: tons of parties, a hockey game, etc. I didn’t drink or binge on bad food, but I still dressed up and went out. And by doing that I recieved more respect from my roommates and friends, than had I drank with them. But what prompted me to comment was the “Don’t Apologize for Your Lifestyle Section.” I have none, but I don’t let the Primal Lifestyle get in the way of having a fulfulling college social life. So for all of you out there who are struggling because of social situations: don’t apologize for it and be proud of your choices.
My mother was getting high fasting blood sugar since last year. Not really into the diabetic range but still quite high. I was telling my parents to give up refined oil and sugar. Refined oil was quite easily dropped. My father will avoid sweets, but my mother has a sweet tooth. It has been difficult with her.
Slowly and slowly she has stopped that. Also they have started the fish oil.
Now her fasting blood sugar level has become normal.
I do tell them to eat more meat and fish, and they do that, but not much. Rest of the food is OK.
My MIL says that if Dr. Oz says that you shouldn’t eat saturated fats, then she isn’t going to.
My parents are so unhealthy, it’s really sad.
My dad had his first heart attack at 35, and his second a month later.
He had his third at 40, and this one was so bad that he had to get a heart transplant. Today, he does not really care about his health (although his spouse is a nurse, so she tries to take care of him as much as he can). I cannot even imagine myself trying to talk him into primal food and exercising
My mom is one of those women that has been on a diet for the past 30 years. The one she is on right now (and has been for the past years) is working pretty good and is following a little bit the primal views, so at least her alimentation is not that bad.
When it comes to sports, I lended her my Wii Fit for a few months, showed her and it worked and realised she was in a worst shape than I thought; she was exausted after a few minutes, and she never used it again!
I really wish I could do something, but you’re right, we cannot control them
I’m trying tog get my obese father to try going primal.
The only real way to convert is not to push, but allow them to follow. Be the best example of health you can, in your most humble, modest way.
i’m 16 and i do parkour and my parents are always saying i wish i could be that young again *cough* you can be