In Search of a Good Poop (or Sh*t Happens)
Everyone does it. Before you run in fright from your computer screen, ask yourself if you really know sh*t about, well, sh*t. All we are saying is, give poop a chance. Friends, today, we explore the ins and outs of poo matters. Because poo matters. We are in search of a good poop, and we hope you are, too. Otherwise, some serious sh*t happens. Pull up a stool and learn.
The Scoop on Poop
What goes in must come out! Sans nutrients, of course. The Poop Report says:
The human digestive system operates like a factory. The plan of operation for this facility is pretty simple.
- Obtain raw materials
- Prepare raw materials for processing
- Construct the product
- Export the finished product
- Profit from the endeavor
Your food is fuel and medicine for your body and your colon is a beautiful but delicate system for making sure your food benefit is maximized.
Good Poop
Proper poo should be somewhat large and well-formed, but not hard and dense. It should plop gently; this is not the time for a cacaphony of splashes. Ideal excrement is solid, smooth and comes out comfortably. If it comes out in tiny bumps or pieces, your colon may be irritated and you may not be eating healthy foods. Your stool should float or at least appear reasonably light; you do not want to be anchoring your toilet to the ground with the weight of your internal offerings. Heavy poop is not a healthy thing; it means your body is not absorbing and using nutrients from your food optimally. Your bowels are sensitive and contain important nerve endings and beneficial bacteria. If these becomes stressed or out of balance, you’ll know just by looking at your feces (and you’ll likely feel this, as well, with bloating, cramping, or discomfort). Are you a poo achiever?
Bad Poop
Improper poo: lumpy, painful, urge-a-riffic, constant, inconstant, contains undigested food (corn: avoid it), is odd in texture (is runny, resembles deer droppings, is rock solid). That’s right: there’s normal, well-adjusted crap and then there’s crappy crap. The good news is that therapy is effective for getting your sh*t together. We’ll tell you what to do to make sure your toilet time is productive and enjoyable.
That Stinks: Frequent Party Poopers
Runny, Unspeakably Horrible Stuff
Feces should not be runny, and diarrhea is just plain dangerous if prolonged. If your feces is runny, you either have some sort of infection or illness, or may have consumed something that your body doesn’t like. Visit the doctor if it goes on for more than a couple of days (especially important with the seedlings). Women, if you experience diarrhea or gas with your cycle, don’t fret; this is fairly common. If it is too much to bear, see a doctor about treatment. It can help to increase your water intake during your period. And cut back on caffeine and alcohol! Bottom line: don’t run from poo problems.
It Takes Forever
This isn’t necessarily bad. Some folks just have slow pipes. Ideally, you’ll have a bowel movement daily around the same time(s). But there are some people who simply don’t, yet they’re healthy and all signs point to pleasant. However, if…
It Hurts
Barring a legitimate health condition, you may simply not be getting enough fiber and water in your diet. Make sure you are eating multiple servings of vegetables at every single meal, and drink pure water instead of soda or fruit drinks. If you frequently feel bloated and you’re just not an ace plunker, it’s time to look at your diet and exercise habits. Poop shouldn’t tease you; it should come out with ease and grace. If it’s painful, peeking, or ‘uge, something isn’t right.
Really Weird Colors
Tie-dye in the toilet? Not a good sign. Poop will occasionally pop out in bright permutations (some spices and exotic cuisines can certainly startle your insides), but in general, you should expect a very boring, muted, muddly color range. In other words, designer crap is a load of b.s. White or yellow stools, or pink or orange coloring, can be signs of a major illness, so visit your doctor immediately if your feces starts to look like a living room from 1974.
Constipation
This is a very common complaint. The two major factors that come into play with your clingers are stress and diet. Stress causes all kinds of digestive trouble. Think about times you’ve been anxious or nervous – you feel it in your gut right along with your sweating palms and racing heart. Prolonged or chronic stress can create stubborn stools. Diet is also important to consider. If you are eating sugar, carbs, processed meats, and missing out on copious veggies, fresh fruit, nuts, and healthy fats, you are at risk for constipation. Dairy and wheat are often causes of internal cement, so lighten up the load by sticking to a diet like Mark’s.
When It Comes to Butts, Fat is King
Aim for 6-12 servings of veggies and 1-2 servings of fruit. There is no good reason to overdo fiber. Excessive fiber intake can increase appetite and interfere with healthy digestion, mineral absorption, and elimination. Interestingly, what many folks don’t realize is that increasing fat intake can help with constipation and regular bowels. Try eating more olive oil, fish, avocados, nuts, and flax seeds. Buy DHA-enhanced eggs. And take two or three fish oil pills daily. We promise, it’ll help. And cut out that blasted soda!
Things to Do While Pooping & Useful Tips
- Hum “Eye of the Tiger”
- Think Up Crass Terms for Poop and Email Us Your Suggestions (it’s cheaper than therapy)
- Read MDA
- Sing “What’s New Pussycat?”
- Annoy your roommate/spouse by taking forever
- Appreciate your toilet time: it’s nature’s way of giving you peace and (sorta) quiet
- Prepare match, you little stinker, you
- Read a magazine or a book
- Carry on a conversation with your cat about your scat
- Always wipe from front to back when you’re done!
- It’s nice to keep moist towelettes available nearby to ensure extra cleanliness.
A Load of Resources:
Photo: Piddleloop
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Posted By: Worker Bee
I was going 2 times a day before going primal. I’ve only been primal for about 6 weeks, so I may just need to give it more time. But I’m only going once every few days now. I never feel bloated or constipated…just nothing happening.
Does anyone have any luck with a good pro biotic? I work for a chiropractic clinic and we stock Dr. Mercola’s brand. I am going to pick some up today and see how that works. I tried eating a serving of kefir or plain yogurt in the mornings, but I can’t stand the taste….although it is a good way to get some protein in the mornings.
This might gross out the males, but females, listen up! I think there’s actually a reason we get gassy during that time of the month. I’ve found (when not using tampons) that it’s basically telling me to go to the bathroom and “push” everything out. There’s usually a lot of discharge, and that incoming feeling of cramping is GONE! Funny: true story – I don’t really need much more than a liner between these trips to the bathroom, even when it’s at its heaviest peak. I still get cramps when I use tampons… maybe that’s just nature’s way of expelling the stuff? You use the same (similar) muscle sets to make bowel movments that you do to get rid of the other stuff. Thoughts?
I would agree with your thinking. Because the lining doesn’t all shed at once, it would make sense that your body would let you know when you need to go expel the biproducts. I mean, prior to modern civilizations inventions for keeping it under wraps, there had to be a fairly clean, easy way for a cave girl to take care of business.
Oh mygod… So my boyfriend eats a SAD and MAAAAAAAAN he stinks up the joint every night. And it’s always an immediate “need to go” with him, and it’s always soft (or else I don’t think he would have invested $600 in a bidet toilet seat). When I’m around him, he seems to poop after every meal, not just once a day… And no, I can’t get him off the SAD. I eat Paleo & I cook dinner for him, so at least he gets one good meal in him a day. *sigh*… better than 0, I suppose.
This is the most disgusting article I’ve ever read here.
I’ve eaten a horrible diet for forever and have had horrible IBS symptoms for about 15 years. I’ve done paleo for about two weeks now and only go every few days and came to your site because I was terrified that something was wrong when they were thinner and floating. I’m so grateful you brought up this uncomfortable topic so I have some piece of mind.
This was hilarious.
Hum Eye of the Tiger… I am going to try that. LOL
I’m on the toilet and it freaking hurts. And don’t lol, it’s not a laughing matter.
I’m surprised nobody’s mentioned squatting yet. Squatting to poo makes the whole thing easier and faster. *definitely* avoid high handicapped-stall toilets if you don’t need them. Westerners (esp Americans) poop in a different position from most of the world, and we also have the most hemorrhoids.
Basically, things like reading and straining are bad. If you’re moistening a piece of toilet paper to wipe with, that’s nice and gentle, but if you’re buying moist towelettes, you’re wasting your money on literally being anal retentive, and the chemicals in it are likely to irritate your bum.
When I went on the Whole 30, I have been constipated to no end. I eat a lot of leafy greens, bell peppers, tomatoes, green beans, broccoli, carrots and celery, cucumbers. I reintroduced fruit in the last couple of days (21 days in) in the hopes of moving things through. I have had a piece of 70% cacao chocolate every day, and 2 tables spoons of apple cider vinegar (Yoder’s Good Health recipe, yummy), still with no results. I did take an ex-lax and that worked to some degree (this was after 4 days, but I did not poop out 4 days worth). Maybe one days worth. I am very frustrated. PS…I Love the no grains. I used to be very hot natured with super hot feet. I hated to wear shoes. Since stopping grains, I do not have those symptoms. When I do eat grains, I notice I am hungry and want to continue eating all day..On paleo I don’t have those cravings.
Really glad to read some of the comments here.
Before I went paleo I had very regular bowel movements, every morning, and occasionally later in the day as well..I was just happy with them. Ever since starting paleo though, I don’t poop nearly as much. Maybe once every 2-3 days, which is super weird for me. It’s not uncomfortable though, it’s a more…smooth consistency when it comes out? I’m a little concerned about toxins festering in my body, and sometimes I get a bit of gas, idk, it’s just different.