Dear Mark: How to Politely Pass on Dessert
It’s a common question I get: how to graciously decline the proudly presented delicacy, the traditional or long-labored sweet, the celebratory dessert. Like it or not, desserts are woven into our cultural doings and gatherings. As one reader put it recently, “I’ve been trying to go quasi-primal for about 6 months and have had very good results. A challenging situation that I’ve experienced is declining dessert offers from friends who LOVE to bake. How do I politely decline a chef’s generosity without offending them?”
Anyone who’s been doing the Primal diet for a while now has probably found him/herself in this sticky situation. Maybe it’s dinner at the home of your spouse’s boss, lunch with your daughter’s future in-laws, a long-awaited weekend at an old friend’s house or a birthday celebration with your grandmother. Whatever the setting, the sensation is the same – that sinking, burdened feeling when the host sails in smiling, mile-high chocolate cream pie in hand. Your mind suddenly frantically catalogues the possibilities, planning how you’re going to dodge this one. Maybe you’d intended to tell them ahead of time and forgot or hoped you could avoid the issue altogether somehow. Either way now, you know there’s no escape. There’s no reasonably gracious way to grab your coat, and excusing yourself to the bathroom will only mean a truly generous (a.k.a. mammoth) piece waiting for you upon your return.
Maybe the dessert is an old favorite of yours, and you’re truly tempted but nonetheless resolute in sticking with your Primal routine. Perhaps you’ve been Primal long enough (and the dessert looks sweet/heavy enough) that you take one look and think to yourself how abominably sick you’ll feel later. Either way you’re in a mental tug-of-war between sticking by your own best interest and showing your appreciation for your well-intentioned host’s efforts. At stake, of course, is embarrassment, resentment and all manner of hurt feelings. The scenes play out in your head mercilessly. Your spouse is irritated that you can’t accept dessert in exchange for a smooth dinner with his/her boss. Your daughter is embarrassed that you turned down her future mother-in-law’s specialty. Your grandmother is heartbroken to learn you don’t enjoy her spice cake anymore. Suddenly, a simple request makes you feel like the most inconsiderate person alive.
Certain situations offer an easier out than others. How many of us silently cheer when we see a buffet setting? Even if it’s a relatively small group and a total dessert absence will be noticed, you can selectively forage and choose as small a serving as you want. Likewise, it’s generally easier to turn down dessert at a larger gathering. Although you might not fly totally under the radar, your host and other guests will be busy enough that your nix isn’t likely to take center stage. Finally, the better you know people (particularly if you aren’t related to them), the less fuss will likely result from your courteous refusal. (They probably already know about your Primal lifestyle anyway.) Smaller parties hosted by those lesser acquaintances or, potentially worse, job/family relations often are the really hot water situations.
One tactic to gracefully turn down the ubiquitous dessert is to plan ahead and let the host know about your dietary choice. In this age of condition-conscious and otherwise individualized menus, most hosts do ask. As a good will gesture, you could even offer to bring something more Primal-friendly (like fresh fruit) to accompany the main dessert. Don’t be offended, however, if your host seems reluctant or outright declines. Not only would the addition take away from his/her featured dish (some cooks being more sensitive to sharing the spotlight than others – we all know these people), it might make other guests feel self-conscious about not having contributed themselves. Nonetheless, you extended the effort and offered respectful notice of your situation.
But what strategies can you employ if you find yourself suddenly caught in the moment itself, facing down a triple layer torte? Some people universally follow the “honesty is the best policy” principle. In truth, it’s the most straightforward approach (and therefore least likely to get you enmeshed in future conflicts), but it isn’t necessarily the simplest route. Catching the host by surprise this way might make for an awkward moment at the table or even put others on the defensive for their own choices (don’t you hate that?). If you’re going to take the truthful route, I’d suggest keeping the explanation itself as brief as possible. (Of course, you may not have much choice in this regard if people start asking questions, which they generally do.) If you’re feeling cornered, try putting it in personal and deferential terms – that you’ve live by this diet because you simply feel better on it, that you do indeed miss certain things (whether it’s genuine truth or polite exaggeration) but that for you it’s been worthwhile. Conjuring relativism this way – with a nod to the superb things you “unfortunately” forgo – admittedly diminishes the valid logic of your Primal choice, but it can help settle the discussion. I’m not suggesting dissing your Primal commitment, but putting it in personal terms allows others to take it as individual choice (or idiosyncrasy, to many) rather than directed judgment.
Of course, there is also the little white lie we might entertain to save other people’s feelings and our own trouble later. I’m not advocating this approach, but we’re all human. A lot of us have probably feigned “fullness” at some point in our Primal endeavors to avoid the dessert pressure. (And, hey, you can always load up on the meat dish or salad to really make it happen!) A few readers have mentioned they claim food allergies, particularly gluten sensitivities, to duck the dessert or other carb dishes. On a more humorous/heinous note, I’ve known people who’ve said they took the cake with a smile but then clandestinely tossed it out when no one was looking. I suppose by the same token it could be hidden in a purse or stashed behind a plant. The host’s dog is usually happy to help, but then there’s the issue of potential allergies, diabetes, etc. (There’s one way to make a bad situation infinitely worse.) On a more subtle note, you have the classic dissection and relocation on the plate tactic or the calculated use of a napkin, which can then be thrown out (or cleaned out) later on. A truly strategic move would be to offer to clear the table. Anyone else have good stories they want to share?
Adopting the Primal Blueprint means you own and live by your health choices (whatever they happen to be in the moment). It means being comfortable with living your life your way. It means giving others, including your host, enough credit to respect you. It means not feeling resentment for eating something you don’t want to eat. Maybe you view the situation as a slippery slope. Especially if you’re with people you see on a regular basis, an exception now can become the assumed pattern for future get-togethers.
On the other hand, there comes a time when you might choose to just eat the damned thing to keep the peace. You want to spare your dear grandmother heartache. Your spouse is in line for a promotion and this dinner with the boss could conceivably make or break the deal. Sometimes our decisions favor practicality over principle, and no one here is judging that. To some extent, that’s what the 80/20 principle is all about.
Life happens, and there are legitimate reasons – both social circumstances and the occasional personal enjoyment – for choosing something outside the Primal picture.
The timing, of course, isn’t lost on me. I realize I’m writing this less than a week before Halloween and on the cusp of the holiday season. We’ll all soon find ourselves surrounded by an assembly of sweets big enough to send our insulin skyrocketing by the visual alone. All this at just about every social occasion from now through the end of the year…sigh.
It would be great if I could just say eat the dessert or turn it down, but social situations are inevitably more nuanced than that. Ultimately, the choice depends on the particular dessert in question (how exactly un-Primal it is), your relationship with the host, the nature of the occasion and your own personal circumstances (if you’re in the midst of a weight loss endeavor, for example). Whatever your decision, own it, enjoy it (the dessert or the discipline) and rest assured that a good Primal diet isn’t made or broken by any one portion.
Share your tips, jokes and good stories for dodging dessert. Thanks for the questions, and keep them coming!
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Posted By: Mark Sisson
I’m with DaveR. No need for white lies. Anyone who’d be offended by declination of junk food has a fragile ego.
If I feel I need to go beyond “no thank you”, I will add “I have insulin issues”. Simple and true … I don’t like raising my insulin!
From what I’ve read about hunter-gatherer societies, food gifting is a natural human ritual. It’s a way to smooth out the inconsistencies in food supply that a family might occasionally encounter and a way for the more successful hunter-gatherers to show off their status. A food gift is just as natural a part of the primal lifestyle as anything else so I find it interesting to see this post on a site espousing primal living. Of course, those food gifts would’ve been more likely something like seal blubber than cake and ice cream.
Personally, I usually just eat the dessert but that’s because I like dessert. At home, I rarely have any sort of sugary desserts around so the occasional piece of cheesecake at a dinner party won’t kill me. In the case where I don’t want dessert, I’ve never had a polite “no thank you” not work.
Really, truly, this one makes the most sense. Are we (by this I mean me) getting too bogged down with perfection rather than progress?
I read a quote here once that I have saved:
[quote]Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.[/quote]
You can say … “No thank you, I don’t eat shit”
I struggle with the look of frozen horror on women’s faces when they have dessert and I don’t. Me not eating the sweet often seems to be interpreted as a criticism of their size and lifestyle and brings immediate guilt to them. Whereas in reality, I couldn’t care less!
“I’m allergic to wheat” covers pretty much everything, I’ve found.
Pleading wheat intolerance works for most things and isn’t actually a lie, either.
Of course, you could always say “That looks delicious but I really can’t eat another mouthful.” If the host looks put out, ask (politely) if you can take some home instead.
Main problem I have isn’t saying no to other people, but saying no to myself. Something like the cake in the picture wouldn’t tempt me at all, but wave an apple crumble under my nose and all my resolve vanishes.
I always just say that processed foods give me “stomach problems”/indigestion. That sounds uncomfortably like diarrhea to most people, so they don’t get into it with me.
Good one- I love it!
Having read through all these ‘techniques’ to avoid eating dessert, I was overlooking the obvious answer:
‘I don’t eat wheat’ or ‘I don’t eat sweets’, not ‘I can’t’ or ‘It doesn’t agree with me’. Just simply, ‘I don’t’. If a vegetarian says, ‘I don’t eat meat’, and somebody gets offended by that, then I think most people agree that it is not the vegetarian’s problem. Same for people who choose to simply not eat wheat. No need to lie, no need to spit it in your napkin, no need to make some roundabout explanation as to how you would really love to but you are too full, etc…
This is how the primal/paleo movement will get going, when people can simply say, ‘No thanks, I don’t eat grains’ and nobody looks at them like they are crazy.
If asked, ‘Why don’t you eat sweets?’ then you can go ahead an explain, totally honestly. Just think of the vegetarians, who (usually) are not expected to explain themselves.
I usually go with gluten intolerance or the vague “blood sugar problems”. Neither are lies. There is a history of blood sugar problems in the maternal side of my family. I was hyperinsulemic before going primal and I also get horribly ill if I have anything with gluten in it. The “family history of blood sugar problems” works for my kiddies, too, when people want to pound them with sugar. I haven’t had much of a problem with those 2 explanations yet.
The thing that I encounter more, though, having been known as a very good baker in the past, is that people expect me to bake something if they’re coming here. I get a lot guff for not wanting to bake (& clean up, which I dislike more) something I can’t eat. I mean, I’m nice but I’m not that nice! LOL!
Such a shame that the Human Race is so intolerant, so judgmental and so non-accepting that this is even an issue. So many here feel it necessary to take a piece, eat a small portion or even a portion to save embarrassment, to their hosts, to themselves. What a sad statement about our world.
But I say this with reservations. I love cooking and most enjoy my food. Doesn’t matter what I’ve cooked, a refusal to partake concerns me, irrespective of the guest’s reason. I have to remember not to take things personally. Everyone’s entitled to their own food choices. I choose not to be judgmental of others and this has to include their choice to eat carbohydrates. Otherwise, I’m no different than the typical mother-in-law or grandmother as described above.
I believe in the freedom of others in their beliefs and try to be tolerant. I like to share the science of a healthy diet, but I know it’s difficult for others to hear. Sugar makes triglyceride and cholesterol levels increase and HDL levels decrease. CW is wrong. So what? Hopefully, one day, as in Sweden, evidence-based diet will rule. Until then, my hope for the world, is that we all become accepting, non-judgmental, and tolerant of others and their personal choices …. as long as those choices (other than food) are peaceful and equitable of course ….
“You can say … “No thank you, I don’t eat shit””
Are you serious?
This has to be the rudest comment you can probably make to someone who’s offering carbs or sweets to you. It’s very judgmental too.
Alright, I’m from Midwest and I can never be rude or make someone feel uncomfortable for making certain dietary choices when I know they are generally so nice to me. I remember a while back a co-worker of mine baked me a Birthday Cake and she never bakes. She did it because I meant THAT much to her. Back then I wasn’t eating primal so I had a piece and I was really touched by her gesture. Now, would I ever say to her “I don’t eat shit” if she ever decided to bake me another cake for Birthday? Not in a million years. I’d rather be sick for the next 2 days.
Some people think someone’s ego is too big if they get upset when you decline something they made, but when that someone is sweating by the over for 4 hours making something from the heart specifically for you, well, you can kind of see why they would get upset.
I think the best excuse is to tell the host you’re too full but don’t want to pass up on desert either so you’d love to take a piece home for later.
A woman from my church made me a gluten free foccacia because I told her the week before that I am allergic to wheat and gluten. I had refused her foccacia. (sp) She researched for a whole week, gluten free recipes. She makes marvelous breads and has never bought a loaf. She explained to me the science of what makes bread raise and how she substituted egg white as a protein to help make the long protein strands that substitute for the gluten protein in the wheat. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Brown rice and tapioca flour. I took it home. I cut a piece and nuked it. I ate a fourth of it (bout 2 inch square) and my throat got tight. I would never in a million years have refused her love in a pan. But now, I wish I would have fessed up and told her from the beginning that I am gluten intolerant and eat a paleo diet for health reasons.
I have this problem at church mostly. There is always some “occasion for celebration” and that means sugar overload. I’ve lost a lot of weight in the past few months and I’ve been passing up the cake and Sherbet/7up punch we always have too. A lot of the older adults and seniors seem to think they know better & can force me to eat (I’m 24), when they themselves are diabetic. When I decline they just call me anorexic.
I usually try to keep myself busy helping to clean up or serve. I feel like a hypocrite serving punch that everyone is seriously addicted to. I found out one woman even was sent to the hospital w/ a blood sugar of 900 after drinking cups of it. Even more reason for me to stay away. both my parents are diabetic, I’m African; I know how high the risks are from me so I don’t compromise on this issue at all.
Interesting that you’ve made the connection between the sugar addicts and what is offered at church. I always turn down the local cancer fundraiser: a rootbeer float!!! Yikes, cancer loves sugars, what are these people thinking?
Careful with the gluten intolerance. I have celiac disease so this way of eating so good for me – well meaning friends buy me gluten free stuff, or even bake from GF mixes and these are WORSE than the whole weat stuff. Hard to say no when they buy it ‘just for you’
Also-I completely disagree that
“So many here feel it necessary to take a piece, eat a small portion or even a portion to save embarrassment, to their hosts, to themselves. What a sad statement about our world.”
If we did not care about other peoples feelings—now THAT would be sad.
I ordered a gluten free meal on the plane recently. It was basically the same as the other meals, but with gluten free bread. :/
I was hoping for something a bit less, well, carby.
I don’t usually have a problem because I am so fat. I just say no thanks and they look confused for a nanosecond and then say (to themselves) Oooh (I get it she is trying to lose weight).
However every now and then someone will persist, I say no thanks and they say but its Krispy Kreme and I take one and throw it away after they leave. I don’t have the energy to deal with people who think Krispy Kreme’s soggy doughnuts is some kind of irresistable treat.
I usually give it to the dog, or if its an ice cream cake, i let it sit for 5 min, and SPREAD it ALLL over the plate so it looks like i ate it! Or i can even spread the cake or pie with my fork so it looks like i took some bites. OR you can play with the dessert with your fork and put your napkin over your plate!!! hahahaha
TAKE THAT STUPID DESSERTS
If the host is very insistent and my fiance happens to be there, I’ll say “oh I’m so stuffed, I’ll just try a bite of his…”. At large family galas, there is always fruit in addition to dessert, so I some of the former. For any and all occasions, invoking the “sugar gives me stomach problems” excuse is, in my opinion, fail-proof.
OKAY this is easy..
You Americans far far too polite !
You say in yr best Churchillian voice ( you can also substitute a Yorkshire voice if you can pull it off..nowt quite as scary as a thick Tyke accent)
“Sir/Madam i put it to you that eating that monstrosity will cause chaos within the endocrine system that is ..(substitute yr name here !) and shame on you you thoughtless OIK for not being more considerate”
Not only will this curtail the dessert eating it’ll likely end any dessert eating as you’ll never be invited to ANYONEs hoose again !
Hahaha:) That’s funny!
Having gluten issues, desserts are my biggest downfall. I have openly told people at work about these issues and they are understanding when I turn down treats that have been brought it. I have been the one making gluten free, sugar free, caesen free, dairy free desserts and bringing it to them (they have become my testers) and they love the stuff I come up with. Some would rather have what I bring then other stuff. And those Betty Crocker GF cake mixes . . . ugh! Stay away from those. First ingredient is sugar.
(Thanks Mark for all that you do with this site).
Politely, but forcefully, decline. I do it all the time. They may not like it but they’ll eventually catch on.
If they persist then explain thats why they are borderline diabetic, have joint problems, high blood pressure and other inflammatory conditions
One of the perks of actively eating healthy for 2-3 few years is that no one in my family even asks anymore.
And they gave up trying to make something to suit my preferences when I abruptly changed from a low-fat (but successful) plan to a paleo one.
Once I was spreading around birthday cake from an office party when I actually dropped it on the floor. I felt justified by throwing it away in front of everyone at that point. You can’t eat cake that’s been on the floor!
There are a lot of parties at our office, but I usually take one bite and then don’t eat the rest – if I take any. No one has said anything to me because I stay around and enjoy everyone’s company.
I don’t like feeling like I need a nap once the sugar wears off. That also makes my work performance go down.
Dropping it sounds like a great idea…but it would get old and earn me the name “Klutz” Haha
I used to play this game a lot when I was vegan. Keeping it as simple as possible really is the best route, in my opinion. As another commenter noted, the less of an issue you make it the less of an issue it will be. If you simply say “No thank you” 90% of the time this works fine. Just be polite and gracious, but firm.
If pressed, saying something about “avoiding sugar these days” won’t be looked askance at, especially now that HFCS is the nutritional Big Bad du jour. No one thinks sugar is healthy (unlike grains), so at worst you’ll just be seen as a health nut–which might not be inaccurate!
I did find that in many situations, people would press me about veganism while everyone was chowing down on something very un-vegan. It’s not a great idea to get into details at that point–people will be more likely to get defensive and combative if the food at issue (whether it’s meat or cake) is halfway to their mouth. If someone really, really wants to discuss it, just defer to another time away from the dining table, and then give them the works
I was once offered biscuits about 6 times at a job interview, first by the receptionist who lead me into the interview room, then by the HR rep who came in to give me a test, then by the partner who came in to interview me, then by a 2nd HR person who came in to collect my test. They were on the table near me within arms reach, if I wanted one I would have surely helped myself, but I stuck to the ‘No thank you’ every time. Didn’t get the job in the end, wonder if that had anything to do with it (at this point I was down to the last 3-4 applicants).
I’ve been eating this way for so long now that I’m not even offered anything sweet. When the cake is divided up I’m left out of the equation with out even the question. All the more for us they say. What keeps me on the straight and narrow is the memory of a dinner party years ago where I finally succumbed to the relentless pressure and reluctantly accepted a piece of cheesecake and suffered the most amazing stomach ache and gas. No one will forget that night.
Alan.
I say something like, “Oooh, that looks amazing, delicious, yum, but I’m so sorry, I don’t eat sugar.” (with look of huge regret on my face). This seems to go over fine. My friends have got to know this about me and will often provide fruit as well.
This situation came up for me at a friend’s birthday party. They brought out the cake and offered some to me, knowing that I was trying to stay away from such. I smiled and said, no thank you. I love you, but I’m not getting sick for you.
I’ve had good luck with “I can’t have gluten, sorry” and/or “I can’t have sugar.” It’s not a lie. Both things found in almost all desserts will hurt me. My extended family and friends are usually good about not offering me dessert, but I get the most trouble from semi-strangers (co-workers and the like). “C’mon. What will it hurt?”, “It’s just a piece of cake/cookie/pie.”, “You can break your diet for one dessert.” and so on.
I firmly insist. They call me a weirdo or what have you. That’s okay with me, I’d rather be known as the weirdo WITHOUT DIABETES.
People truly do become offended when you kindly decline any form of dessert. However, if I suggest sushi for lunch I’m expected to understand the the disgusted faces and remarks about my choice to eat raw fish over the conventionally healthy Subway. I have also quickly learned ways to explain my PB diet, I started by bashing grains but people lash out trying to justify their healthy choice of wheat over white and the 6-11 servings mandated by the food pyramid. I now simply say, I eat this way because certain foods make me feel ill.