How to Cultivate Resilience, or What It Takes to Keep on Keeping on
It’s the utter resolve I’ve seen in a training client who lost his legs in an accident and now runs marathons with the use of prosthetics. It’s the friend who lives with a medical condition that imposes debilitating pain and continues to run a successful business, raises a tight-knit family, and volunteers in his community. It’s any of us who pick ourselves up after a profound loss or life transition, who decide exceptionally challenging circumstances aren’t going to keep us from leading fulfilling, grateful lives. I’m also mindful of those who may have struggled through the recent 21-Day Challenge, but don’t want to give up just days after it has ended. If that’s you, listen up.
Resilience can encompass the emotional and physical stamina to get through a patch of rough weeks or bounce back from illness or injury. Even more dramatically, however, resilience can mean the fortitude to deal – and even grow – with life-changing setbacks.
There’s no romanticization here. Resilience isn’t a superhero trait. We talk of “conquering” limitations, beating back disease, overcoming loss. The reality is much more complex. Those friends and clients who have been amazing models of resilience have also been fully, richly human. Not every day is a good day. Not every step leads you forward. Not every battle is won. We all pick ourselves up at some point, and some days we let ourselves stay “down” a little longer than others. We feel what we need to feel. The pivotal point is recovering yourself and reengaging your life on renewed terms.
Psychologists have examined the phenomenon of resilience as a varying characteristic among people. Some people, when faced with hardship seem buoyed by a sense of perspective and energy. They are more likely to get back on the horse while others struggle more intensely. Resilience appears to be a trait influenced by our individual brains themselves – our molecular mechanisms that process stress to be more precise.
More so, however, it’s a mindset that can be cultivated, a flexibility in engaging the rough and tumble of life as well as a willingness to live with ambiguity. It’s perhaps also an art we can undertake, a richness we can weave into the support and substance of our lives. The more resilient we are, research shows, the more satisfaction we tend to garner from life.
The Primal question is how can we cultivate resilience in ourselves? How can we design a life that encourages optimum thriving – and supports us most when life challenges us head on.
Exercise
Good solid health with all the basics in line will do you right every time. Sleep, diet, and movement all matter as much if not more when it comes to building resiliency. Some interesting research highlights the role of exercise, however. A whole host of research highlights the stress, depression, and anxiety busting (and buffering) effects of exercise. When compared with rest, for example, a 30-minute block of moderate exercise was better at decreasing anxiety as measured by subjects’ responses to photographs, including stress provoking images.
Research does seem to suggest, however, that this buffering becomes more than an immediate dose response, so to speak, but a persisting pattern over time. Regular exercise produces a continuing psychobiological impact that overhauls our stress response itself. Over time, exercise contributes to our overall mental resilience.
Mindfulness
In the midst of major life challenges, we can at turns benefit from the richness of nostalgia and envisioning future prospects. Also important, however, is the capacity to be purely in the moment, to release expectations, questions, and plans. Mindfulness, in addition to eliciting the body’s relaxation response, can play a key role in acceptance, a crucial process for living with challenging circumstances.
We often expend a lot of energy and anguish pushing back against difficult changes when we’d be better served shifting gears and realigning our paths in light of new realities. Likewise, it can take an immense patience to “sit with” a feeling – physical and/or emotional. To be sure, there are things that people unnecessarily, even irresponsibly, accept when they have the opportunity to change them. There’s a difference, I think, between conscious acceptance and expedient resignation. If you talk to survivors of significant trauma or serious health crises, I think they’d tell you acceptance isn’t by any stretch a passive endeavor. It’s a dynamic, growing, and ongoing process. True mindfulness attends to this process.
For different people, mindfulness can take different forms. Some may practice yoga, Tai Chi, or other programs. Others might pray or immerse themselves in other meaningful ritual. Still others might seek peace simply by spending time in the wild, letting their involuntary attention take over and letting go of everything but their awareness of the world in front of them. All, I think, would say they’re taking comfort in releasing themselves to something larger than themselves and their struggles.
Social Connection
Research has long affirmed the importance of social connectedness to well-being. A close (not necessarily large) social network is, in fact, one of the major contributors to life satisfaction and a protective factor that contributes to resilience.
We all know how good it can feel to lean on those who we know when times get tough. A solid support system can be there to provide emotional and logistical help when times get tough, but close friends and family can also make a difference in how we handle the challenge of normal life transitions. The well known longitudinal Grant study revealed that close friendships were among the most key influences on how subjects adapted to life in their later years. Overall, our close social connections can dampen the stress of our experiences by giving us a critical outlet for the myriad of emotions life evokes and providing perspective when we see them go through struggles of their own.
Play
Children use play to experiment with the wide variety of feelings, experiences, and ideas they encounter in their development. Experts use play therapy to help children process trauma, transition, and other difficult events. Across lifespan and experience, play builds connections and cultivates behavioral, intellectual, and emotional flexibility. Our species maintains the capacity for play throughout our many years and for good reason. As a result of play – the experimentation, exploration, and creativity it fosters – we can continually adapt to different circumstances. When we expand ourselves beyond the daily practice of efficiency and specialization, we can see life – and ourselves – with new eyes. Play, in short, makes us intellectually and emotionally hardier.
In adults, play can mean everything from competitive sport to creative endeavor. Following the death of her husband, a friend of mine took up all manner of handiwork. She did woodworking, carving, and chair weaving. In her words, the crafts took her mind away from her grief and gave her a sense that there were new journeys to be taken. Another family friend took up painting again when she was going through a painful divorce. Another wrote to work through the emotional difficulties he experienced when his child was seriously ill. Play, however we conceive of it, can be an experimental space and emotional sanctuary.
None of us know what the full story of our lives will look like in the end. Amidst (hopefully) a lot of joy, there will undoubtedly be travails. Some problems fall in our laps. Others we create for ourselves. Regardless of their source, we’ll struggle at times – against illness, against failure, against change, against loss. I’d venture to say that many of us have already navigated some kind of critical transition or hardship in our lives.
In our ancestors’ day, calamity was likely more imminent. Grok and his clan, by necessity, weren’t as consumed by the smaller stressors of life, but death and danger loomed in a way we aren’t used to in modern times. What supported our physical survival and resiliency then – social connectedness, intellectual creativity, mental flexibility, and emotional balance – serves our psychological resiliency today.
Resiliency isn’t a fixed capacity. Nor is it an indefinitely standing reserve. We continually create and recreate our resilience by investing in our engagement with life and others. Our daily practices and connections over time deepen our resilience. What helps us thrive in the now grants us fortitude for the long – and difficult – hauls ahead.
I hope you’ll share your own thoughts on resilience. What does it mean for you and your experience? What have you learned about in the course of life and wellness? What stress and adversity have you been able to cope with and bounce back from? Share your thoughts, so that others may follow suit. Thanks for reading today, everyone.
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Posted By: Mark Sisson
Thank you for this post! I needed this today.
I think resilience is the ability to forgive yourself for not knowing the perfect way to deal with tragedies/illness in life, and that being graceful takes heaps of practice.
I am in the process of bouncing back from a near burnout. As you write in the article acceptence is a major factor in moving forward. And not just acceptence of the situation that I am in, but also acceptence that failure as much as success is a part of life and that some things are important and others are not. Learn from it and move on. The learning part is fairly easy, the moving on part can be hard, at least for me. But the near burnout itself actually made it easier for me to make the changes that I have made and profoundly changed me as a person and my look on life. I feel much stronger, calmer and I have a positive attitude to life. This experience has given me perspective and I believe it will in the end also make into a better person
The event was awful, but the experience is nothing but positive!
Hello all — another fine post Mark, with thanks. Should anyone feel the need for a little terpsichorean help along the path of resilience, allow me to suggest listening to “The Mary Ellen Carter” by the very sadly late Mr. Stan Rogers. He was one of Canada’s great singer/songwriters, died tragically and heroically, and this song is one of the all-time testaments to the human spirit. Enjoy! And as Stan sings, Rise Again!
Thank you so much for this post, Mark! This is a very powerful message, and it came a great time for me. I needed a confirmation of the power of resilience, and it’s good to be reminded that I can strengthen my resilience by making healthy choices. I’m on Day 8 of the Whole30 Challenge, which I undertook to conquer my sugar addiction and control my binge eating. This is my second real attempt at it, and I plan to see it all the way through this time. Honestly, it’s my 20th attempt if you count all the mornings I woke up with the intention to begin and put it off for “just one more day” when temptation struck. I began each of these days already doubting my ability to follow through; I couldn’t see myself getting to Day 30, so I wasn’t motivated enough to successfully push through the trials of Day 1. This is the opposite of resilience; this is defeatism.
At a certain point I had to face the fact that I wasn’t going to be happy until I made a change, and I couldn’t make a change without conquering some obstacles. I had to accept that it wasn’t going to be easy; in fact, I needed to relish the challenge. I had to find the desire to prove my negative self wrong. To believe in myself and imagine the results of my eventual success.
Eight days in, I’m feeling very resilient. Sometimes it’s tempting to let it go, to slide a little. or even to stop caring all together. When I go out with friends and get weird looks when I say, “I’m fine with water, thanks.” When the pastries at work are fresh out of the oven and their aroma creeps up my nostrils uninvited. When I get stressed out and want to go straight to the old comfort of eating mindlessly. But I feel more amazing every day I stick to this, and I want to continue to feel amazing. Every day it gets easier to make the right choices, because I see where they’re taking me. It just takes a start. The moment I fully committed mind and body to the Whole30, I found that resilience to overcome the trauma I created for myself. It’s so empowering to remember that we create our own success, as well.
It’s worth noting that I discovered the Whole30 program through your website. I believe someone had made mention of the challenge in the forum, and my curiosity took me to the Whole9 website. So thank you for that, and for blessing me in more ways than you can imagine!
What a great post. Thanks Mark.
I believe resiliency requires faith, hope, action, acceptance and patience.
Being more resilient means having the capacity to love and care for others more.
Mark, I know this is off topic but it’s REALLY important. I missed your interview on “Rock Center” last night and am BUMMED. I had intended to record it but my DVR crapped out and wasn’t listing the channels so I couldn’t tell what channel it was on. Can you post a linky to where I can see your ENTIRE interview? The only thing I can find is the 1 minute teaser…not even youtube has it.
Thanks a bunch!!!
Jason
I read this article after a friend pointing it out to me, she said it remind her of me. I lost my mother and husband just 18 months apart and then 6 months after losing my husband I found out I had cancer. I do have resilience. It is as simple as this, life is a choice, you can choose to let things make life miserable or can see what good there is in everyday….okay not everyday is great, but to still be grateful you can go onto the next day and enjoy life that day. My choice today is to honor my mother and husband as well as myself.
Another inspiring post. Exercise and hobbies have gotten me thru rough patches in my adult life
Great article. My sister lost her 20 year old son in a climbing accident last spring. My teenage son was so sick for 8 years he wanted to take his own life. We choose joy each day. Faith is was what kept us (keeps us) moving forward. Some see it as crutch. For us, it is a solid foundation. Life can be excruciating, I don’t want to move through it randomly. Doesn’t matter if I’m right or not. But, of course, like anyone who has deep faith, I have a history of events and revelations to prove what I believe is real. Not trying to convince anyone. Just my thoughts.
If it helps, the very fact that you are all here today says you are all resilient to some degree. Don’t fall for the notion that you have to be heroic and have a fully-functioning life after disaster to be “properly” resilient. You’re not dead. End of story.
I remind myself of that every time I start criticizing myself about where I am in life now. I mean, people will kill themselves over losing a job. I had so much more happen to me and I am still here. One day at a time.
Dana, do you have a blog?
Great article ! In my experience,the secret to resilience is to shift your attention from yourself to those around you. Regardless of your situation, simply ask yourself “what are the needs of those around me?” This provides the purpose for using these excellent suggestions.
Resilience is, simply, survival. Sometimes you flourish, sometimes you crawl through, sometimes you close your eyes and run teeth first into the noise. But resilience disallows the conversation of quit or surrender. You just…..do it.
I don’t consider myself to be resiliant, so I try to learn as many skills as I can and collect things I may need to cope with things that I can control. In 1980, I was driving a U-Haul and ran over a piece of steel that put a hole in the full gas tank, spraying like a faucet. Fortunately, everything I owned was in the truck. I caught the gas in a garbage can, made a patch with 6 screws, sheet cork, and scrap sheetmetal, put the gas back in and was on my way. Since I knew I could fix it, that removed what could have been a lot of stress or worse.
Thinking about day 10 of almost no sleep caring for my mom in her last days (cancer) last spring…rather than climbing el cap to celebrate my 50th. Pushing thru the hardest climbs. Rheumatoid arthritis at 25. Hip dysplasia and a severe speech impediment overcome (I’m now a teacher). Surgeries. Severe ibs solved with 7 years of diet experimentation. Life’s sweet, I’m glad to be here, I’m happy for all I have and all I can do each day. I’m happy and proud of my incredible 19 year old daughter and so fortunate for friends, husband and family. Resilience? Take what’s out there and good i guess. There’s a lot.
Sometimes I feel like unexpected challenges help me nurture a positive attitude by forcing me to draw on my resilience.
What’s interesting is that cleaning up the diet makes all these ideas so much easier to implement. Even if you inherit a certain level of emotional resilience, your resistance can erode, like mine did, over time. It’s a beautiful thing when a ton of the energy spent fighting allergies and shielding the body against the onslaught of bad, uninformed food decisions, finally realizes it’s true destination and returns in a form that let’s one exist fully awake and alive. I’m amazed at how much the body can take before it starts to disintegrate and lose ground. And even more astounded at how quickly it responds to focused nutrition.
Resilience is a built in gift our bodies possess. I’ve learned best not to abuse it.
I had a huge lesson in resilience in March this year when my best friend suffered a bad spinal fracture to T12. Through the first 2 weeks (he was there 2 months) of holding his hand in the spinal unit we found simple moments of happiness and laughter all the while not knowing if he would ever walk again and acceptance that he would have a catheter for the rest of his life. I think the biggest thing was choosing our attitudes and accepting that things are what they are, we can’t change what happened and the future is what we make it. A close network of family and friends was a huge help. Seven months on and he has learnt to walk again (with crutches) and inspired so many people with his attitude and hard work.
This is a great piece Mark. I’m on a cut at the moment and I’m struggling to stick to the ‘no grains’ rule and I just can’t shake it. I’ve let myself down on quite a few occassions but I refuse to quit. Reading your article at this time has really helped! Thanks!
Makes me think of the serenity prayer.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.