When Grok Lives with Korg, or How to Cope With an Unsupportive Partner
When I introduced a forum thread asking folks to share their top three challenges in going Primal, one issue got major traction: the S.O. factor (significant other, for those of you not into the whole online brevity thing). It’s a familiar story. One partner takes on a new health commitment. Life changes for that person. He/she goes through struggles, triumphs, growth – an entire physical and psychological process that potentially leaves a relationship chasm in its wake. Then there are the logistics, a menacing obstacle course of loaded questions and irksome details. Do you still eat together? Who cooks (not to mention shops)? Do we have enough pots and pans to make two different meals each night? How do we handle the kids’ food? Finally, what does it mean for the arrangement when one person’s food expenditure overshadows the other’s?
I’m not talking, of course, about couples who follow individual but similar lifestyle paths. Few people have a fully Primal S.O., and most people don’t exactly consider that a deal breaker to begin with. As many of you noted in the forum, it’s good to honor individuality in relationships. It certainly keeps things interesting. My wife, for example, eats fish but not fowl or red meat. While I’d prefer she join me in devouring a rack of lamb now and then, I understand and even empathize with her reasoning. I also recognize that she’s one of the healthiest people I know. She merges the Primal philosophy with her own chosen values, and the result is pretty impressive. Because her diet obliges certain restrictions, she’s more diligent than I am, I’ll admit.
What I mean here is a true Grok/Korg match. One partner is living (or approaching) Primal, while the other is fully entrenched in CW – or maybe worse. Some couples comfortably and successfully adopt a “live and let live” mentality with ne’er an argument to ruffle their domestic bliss. Others struggle at times, harboring low-grade resentments or continuing disappointment that their partners – however supportive – don’t take up the cause. For a few, the contrast ignites epic conflict akin to a veritable clash of civilizations.
In the forum, there was back and forth about the social and emotional significance we attach to food. It’s not a religion, many said. It shouldn’t derail an otherwise good relationship. Others countered that it was indeed a creed of sorts. As a significant dimension of one’s lifestyle, our food choices inevitably become imbued with our individual values – and even with our identities to a certain degree.
With this deeper facet – and the day-to-day logistics – in mind, here are a few targeted suggestions for both staying true to your Primal quest and keeping peace in the shared kingdom.
Be Comfortable With Your Choice
No, really. Don’t shoot the messenger here, but sometimes others’ divergent choices get under our skin because they’re a constant reminder of our own ability to fall off the wagon. There’s a certain vulnerability to living against the current of a society, let alone one’s own household. It takes a greater commitment – not a white-knuckle, hold-your-breath, dig-in-your-heels declaration, but a deeply personal kind of pledge. It’s a decision to live in the moment and make the best choice for yourself in that moment. No one can undo or undermine your commitment without your permission. It’s accepting the ultimate responsibility. Going Primal may not always be convenient or easy. Likewise, relationships are always convenient and easy either.
Dial In Your Expectations
Don’t start your journey with the grandiose (albeit ideal in my opinion) vision of a happy Primal family. As my mother used to say to us growing up, “You worry about you.” It’s your choice, your path. Would you travel down it knowing you weren’t going to be accompanied by your partner or other loved ones? Well, there you go. Be an example to your partner, but enjoy and own Primal living in its own right – not as a constant representation of the cause, so to speak.
To Each, A Pantry of One’s Own
It’s a similar sentiment to the old adage, “good fences make good neighbors.” A little space can sometimes be enough to keep you from feeling inundated by the alternative choices residing in your household. Claim a space for your stuff and make no apologies. As for shopping and spending, be prepared to sit down and have a practical negotiation with concrete, unimpassioned terms.
Gather the Support You Need
Your S.O. can’t provide for every need or play every role in your life. We all know this, but making/going through a significant transition in life sometimes clouds our judgment. You deserve respect, of course, but fill in the support you need with friends, other family members, online communities (wink), etc. Take the pressure off your relationship, and you’ll likely both feel freer and happier. It’s a funny thing: when you finally let an issue go, that’s when people can surprise you the most.
Research suggests that couples treat divergent dietary paths in much the same way as other conflicts or differences in their relationships. (I guess there’s cause for a potentially heartening – or unsettling – realization there.) It’s a question worth exploring. I obviously believe that going Primal is a good choice, but if your S.O.’s lack of conversion is nagging at you so dramatically that it’s undermining the fundamentals of your relationship, it might be time to examine the issue from a broader, deeper, or more emotional angle. (a.k.a. It’s never really about the toothpaste cap.)
That said, I think it’s fair to feel disappointed, even saddened, by a partner’s disinterest in maintaining his/her health. If you’re taking it upon yourself to stay in good shape and put life in your years (not to mention years in your life), you might wonder why the other person won’t hold up his/her end of the bargain. What exactly, then, is the understanding behind a relationship? I’m going to venture that it isn’t about being in lock-step at every turn, in every moment. Nonetheless, I think it is about explaining why you care. (Then there’s always the jaw-dropping, stunning example you set….) If you’re in it for the long haul, there’s time to grow together – or to realize that some commonalities just aren’t compulsory for lasting devotion and domestic harmony.
Readers, what say you? Are Groks and Korgs compatible? Have you found a way to peacefully coexist in the kitchen, or has going Primal changed the game with relationships for you? Is it ever a deal breaker? Share your thoughts, and thanks for reading today.
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Posted By: Mark Sisson
I’m feeling lucky reading some of this thread. My husband supported me through years of vegetarianism but I think he was grateful when I gave it up! During that time, he would just go eat meat (unfortunately usually McD’s) when I wasn’t around. Now we both Crossfit together in the garage, and he loves the primal approach to cooking and nutrition. Our only real sticking point is budget. It’s hard to feed a family on real food. A dinner of pasta or some kind of rice-n-beans type dish is Soooooo much cheaper.
I am lucky that my hubby, like Robin’s supported me as a vegetarian,even became one to keep me company! He was, also relieved, in the extreme, when I gave up.
However, I’ve realised, that it isn’t just the type of food that’s the problem, in a relationship, but the amount.
Hubby snacks all day and always wants a ‘little something’ with a tea or coffee.
I was finding it hard to keep my weight down, even eating primal/low carb. Then I thought, enough. ‘Kelly’ just cannot eat as much as ‘Ken’. Period.
So I stopped trying to keep up, and being lured into eating when I didn’t want to, or eating just to keep him company. Problem solved. Healthy and happy weight maintained.
But, to be fair, I can’t always resist when he says “come on, just have a bite, help me out here”…
nor do I always want to!
I’ve been a lurker for a while and this thread inspired me to comment. I am coming at this from the opposite angle – my husband is Primal/Paleo and I am not!
A little background… We have been together for 10 years; my exercise used to be limited to swimming, pilates and walking, he’s always been into working out and lifting. I have been pretty much the same (low, but not unhealthily so) weight my entire adult life, he has fluctuated a bit (probably all that pasta I fed him, oops). I am a professional cook, I love food, and have always believed that health and weight management is more about diet and not so much about exercise. My interest in nutrition and diet led me to authors like Pollan, Nestle and Taubes. I shop at farmers’ markets, try to find local meat and eggs, eat virtually no processed food. I do just about all the food shopping, and all the dinner cooking.
My husband got into the Primal/Paleo thing via Crossfit, and it has been really good for him. Way less joint pain, no recent gout flare-ups, weight loss, better digestion, doesn’t snore as much, it’s all good. I think he is fairly lactose intolerent so giving up dairy was perhaps the biggest help. Our dinners have not really changed much, I was always into the roast vegetables, salads, stir-fries, steaks, baked fish etc. There is just less variety; no hummus, satay sauce, chili, pasta, homemade pizza… of course I can have whatever I like on the side, or for breakfast and lunch. I love my legumes and cheese!
So I would consider myself to be fairly supportive, unlike some of the SOs in this thread. I’m really happy that this diet/lifestyle is working out for him, but he could be a little more grateful that I cook that way for him! It does sometimes tick me off that my husband is now all over the food-as-medicine idea and is now a nutrition ‘expert’ after reading a couple of books. And some of his paleo choices I see as completely irrational. To be completely honest, there’s a part of me that has taken his rejection of certain foods personally – ‘what! I’ve been killing you with the potatoes all these years!’ This might be something you recent converts-to-Primal might want to bear in mind; cooking can be, should be, an act of love, and if someone has been providing you with hot dinners they might well feel miffed if you start ranting on at them about wheat-is-poison. As other commenters have noted, you have to take a gentle approach to changing peoples habits; they have to want it for themselves. Also they have to learn it for themselves – I’ve been telling him about the dangers of added sugars in processed foods for ages, but no, he had to read it in a book:-)
As for me, an injury a couple of years ago led me to rehab, which led to regular gym-going to lift weights and knock out the pull-ups and push-ups. I love getting stronger and my husband likes it too! So we kind of met half-way on the fitness side as well as the nutrition/diet.
Great website Mark, thanks for all the information!
You make some very good points here about tactfulness when approaching a loving SO who has also been cooking for you. Thanks for reminding us about the other view.
This was a great post! When I first went Primal both my girl and I were vegetarian! I make most of the meals so most of the time we just continued eating vegetarian, and at other meals I would eat the meats I knew I needed. We never ate very much carbs so that was easy. The other day told me that she thinks it might be best for her to start eating meat again. I made a primal feast with salad packed with veggies, chicken sausage and whole chicken legs covered in bell peppers and onions. And BAM! She ate meat for the first time in 8 years. And she liked it.
Thanks Mark, you have changed the health game for us! I feel better than I have in years.
Remember ya’ll, you can compromise without compromising your Diet, if we can do it, anyone can!
Just for the record… sometimes it really is just about the toothpaste cap. Seriously, how hard can it be to put the cap back on!!? have a good wknd ppl!
My wife is constantly making antipathetic comments. However, she has compromised for the at most five meals a week she makes for me, by making the non-primal major ingredients separable, even if that means my pulling the crust off a quiche.
House remains full of non-foods and people in poor health. Yet I’m the nutter. Its not a deal breaker but I sometimes fantasise about living in a house with nothing but real food
Love the Big Lebowski reference, it tied the whole piece together.
Just like that rug. It really tied the room together.
The problem I have is not with my wife(she loves eating the Primal meals I cook, except that she eats rice as she is Chinese, but this is OK) but with my mother and younger sister, who also live with us.
They detest cooking, and when I do cook for them they just eat the meat, leave the vegetables and then fill themselves up with toasted pita bread with cheddar cheese inside. If I’m not around to cook for them they survive on a diet of fried eggs, pita bread and cheese. No fruit or veggies. And lots of coffee.
My mother is in her mid-50s, is constantly tired, has muscle and tendon pains constantly, constipation, sleeps very little and never ever likes to walk or exercise.
My sister is in college, gaining body fat steadily and rather than opening a can of tuna to make a salad when she is hungry, she opts for biscuits, tea, toast, margarine, etc. She never exercises at all and spends most of the time on Facebook and the phone.
I have been trying to encourage them to eat proper food, and if they still want to eat grains, to make them a small part of their diet.
I have shown them how my physical performance and physique have dramatically improved since I went Primal, yet they think it’s only because of all the exercise I do (weightlifting and gymnastics).
I have kind of given up on them, but I am still very concerned about my mum, as she shows every sign of inflammatory diseases creeping up on her as she gets older.
A primal lifestyle may not be a religion, but sometimes it feels like a cult.
I have 3 kids and a husband who love their breads, cereal, pizza, etc. My husband thinks that there is another set of people who think that this way of eating is not healthy since he thinks the food guide pyramid is there for our health! We’ve had our kids food tested and they all should be off wheat and dairy but my husband thinks that’s too hard and doesn’t want them to be made fun of at school or parties if they can’t eat what everyone else is eating. I counsel people in nutrition and try sharing the amazing stories about how going primal has helped cure so many people of any health issues that they have. He’s even called my parents to complain that I fell off the deep end and doesn’t understand or want to understand about any of this. It’s quite frustrating and I’m left with eating this way on my own and just limiting the foods the kids eat as best as I can since he’s not around for most meals.
Not only do I eat primal, but I also only eat once a day, as I feel that Grok wouldn’t have had constant access to food. My wife is on a totally different WOE where she eats all of her carbs before noon. This works out great for me because when I come home from work, I cook meats and veggies and since she eats no carbs after noon, she basically eats primally for dinner.
So even though we are on two completely different plans, the synchronicity they afford in the evenings makes life quite nice. 
With all respect, in my experience, assuming anything about how Grok lived has been either proven false or shown to have been thought on false presumptions. Maybe Grok had many small things throughout the day, for example, or maybe it depended on the time of year.. but that aside, how does eating once a day work out for you? how long have you been doing that? Any interesting results?
By the way, if your wife is eating vegetables in the evenings, she’d be defeating her plan of not eating carbs after noon, seeing as all vegetables have carbs in them – some more than others.
Been eating once a day for two years. I commute by bicycle to work 30 miles a day and maintain 7-8% bodyfat. My meal is generally 1000-1800 calories, depending on how I feel. I did say that I will cook meats and veggies, but I guess I left out that when she sits down to eat dinner she’ll eat the meat portion like ribs, fish, liver, eggs, bacon or whatever.
I also don’t think that we can know what Grok ate because the prototypical Grok would have existed in many different time periods or areas on the planet with access to different foods. But really, have you ever hunted your own food? Can you imagine successfully hunting and killing something 4-6 times a day during the ice age before salt was used as a preservative or smokehouses were invented? I really think there may have been days when Grok and his family may not have eaten at all. But the body has an amazing array of endocrine processes built in to make us stronger, faster, more agile, and a bit more aware if we haven’t eaten. Imagine chasing down an animal but you miss it and you’re left exhausted and hungry. The body actually fortifies itself for the next burst of energy so that we have a better chance of success next time.
FYI, typo in: “Going Primal may not always be convenient or easy. Likewise, relationships are always convenient and easy either.”
“aren’t”.
Mark, I think that this is the best article I’ve come across on your site. The writing is elegant, and it cleverly addresses the fact that even though my spouse and I might be married, we are still both individuals who must do what is right for us at any given point in time while still working in the structure of the relationship. Absolutely outstanding article.
My wife is doing everything she can right now to sabotage my commitment to eating Primal. Complaining about the price of fruits and meats, telling me its “not healthy” scoffing at the weight loss Ive had, everything. Shes comparing it with some idiot at work on a cereal diet. Im really getting tired of this crap.
Resentment on her part. And any guy who eats 3 bowls of cereal only a day is going to lose weight- muscle mass! Then they’ll get sick… she really needs to do some reading before judging your efforts.
I wish there was a Primal Living dating website…. :/
I have recently gone about 90%. My husband on the other hand is a junk food, fast food junkie! I would love for him to change his ways but he is not convinced and believe I am “Being fed bad info.” because I used to do the whole low fat thing and now I eat bacon! However, even then he would eat half the stuff I eat. The main issue we have is when we eat out but we tend to take turns picking places and have a couple of places we just don’t go together. I am hoping that I will reach all my fitness and health goals and maintain this for a lifetime. Hopefully the LGN factor might convince him to make the change as well. My theory is that I cannot complain because we were both into those bad habits when we met, its not like he suddenly changed. I fell in love with his unhealthy ass and I still love him!
My husband is a genetic freak. He is a CW MASTER, and somehow maintains awesome inside and outside health eating the way he eats. After 10+ years together, I have learned to accept it (along with his cookies, ice creams, pasta’s, sandwiches, rice, cereals, and anything else I know is not good for me). In the beginning, when it was just about a low carb diet for me, it was hard to not give in to things lying around the house. Not all the time, but occassionally I did give in. That was 6 years ago. back then, my husband did NOT discriminate in regards to the kind of Junk food he ate. You name it, he ate it. And still maintained his beautiful under 10% body fat body. He also did not work out, and maintained his muscles through various forms of physical labor on the job. At one point in his life, (long before we met), he was a SLAVE to CW dieting and fitness. His entire life revolved around body building and eating plenty of pasta to back it up, with days in excess of 5000 calories to maintain 185 lbs at 6ft tall. Now days, although he is not Primal to say the least, he mostly eats what I eat (minus most vegetables), and I usually just make him his side of pasta, beans, rice, or french fries, and the thought never crosses my mind to sample any of it. It’s a beautifully choreographed arrangement. I do the cooking, and he eats it. I don’t deprive him of what he likes, and he doesn’t pretend to agree with or understand what I believe. He has seen me take this approach to nutrition and use it to lose 95 pounds of fat off my body. He knows I know what I’m doing with myself – and from what he can see, he likes it
Since that beginning 6 years ago, he no longer eats at “chain” fast food places, only occassionally indulges in things like pizza, or grilled sandwiches. Still buys cookies and potato chips, and still eats his pasta. He makes his own breakfast (oatmeal or cereal)lunch (sandwich and chips) eats what I cook for dinner and has dessert from the junk list above. Of all the crap in the house, ice cream seems to be the only one that I sometimes wish I could have. Was never a huge ice cream lover, but sometimes you just want something ice cold and sweet. Fortunately, we like almost NONE of the same flavors 
Anyways, as anyone can see, you can make it work. Instead of me sitting around jealous that he can do what he does and look so great, or trying to force what I do on him just to make it easier on myself, I OWN my situation. I OWN my results. I spend a couple extra minutes and dirty another pot to make something extra for him, I use extreme caution when I suggest little changes (thinking of how I would feel if someone were trying to get me to change things), I don’t wallow in self pity over not eating the JUNK food in the house, I remind myself that when he tells me to just eat a freaking cookie, that he really is the exception here, and the difference between him eating it and me eating it is crazy, he is supportive of my 4:30 alarm to workout, and although he doesn’t get why we keep lard in the house or use a lot of chopped bacon to cook with, his tummy is happy, my butt is smaller and our home is harmonious. I don’t need him to be primal. One day he may just give up grains. Not likely, but if it happens, we will find a way to make it work 