How to Get Sick and Die, Part 2
The Definitive Guide
Every convenience restaurant, processed food manufacturer and prime time commercial wants to help you get sick and die! Isn’t that nice of them? And so far – despite a major media vegetable conspiracy – we’re doing pretty well, too. Although, there’s still a lot of progress to be made! More of us could be getting sick and dying! But you’ll at least be encouraged to learn that Americans:
– Don’t exercise .
– Are pretty sick anyway .
– Are really stressed out .
– Are the fattest people around  (basically).
Clearly, getting sick and dying is the American way. If you haven’t gotten busy with getting sick and dying, for the love of lard, what’s wrong with you? Do your patriotic duty! (If this is stressing you out, good! That’s one more great way to get sick and die, and it’s about time you joined the ranks of the most stressed-out people around.)
Fortunately, as I’ve said, it’s actually not that difficult to get sick and die. Millions of Americans are doing it, and you can, too. It may seem like the information and tools are being kept from you, but that’s just due to our silly, negligent media (those guys). Owned by greedy old men and aggressive lobbyists, the media help push the great vegetable conspiracy. But the information is there. In truth, you have all the food, retail options and lifestyle choices readily available at your fingertips! This is the silent majority, and it’s time to seize our stake. Don’t be left out! Come on, join the bandwagon that everyone else is already on anyway – wouldn’t it feel great to know you’re feeling as bad as you possibly can feel?
I’m going to tell you how – for free! There is nothing to purchase, ever! (Except more of the food that is available everywhere.) Why am I doing this, you ask? What’s in it for you, Mark?, you wonder. Well, it’s because this continent  has almost caught up to us in the obesity department. And we’re losing our lead  in heart disease. This is unacceptable! I won’t stop until our number oneyness is totally beyond what any other nation could ever hope to approach!
As promised, this week I’m going to highlight the best, most convenient foods to help us all get sick and die! I would say recipes, but cooking is part of the great vegetable conspiracy as well. Forget cooking – give me convenience! Here are the top three foods to get sick and die. You’ll be surprised to see that they are very common, popular items. They’re very easy to find! But does our biased media ever discuss the wonderful disease-inducing benefits of these fabulous foods? Of course not. Salad pushers.
Cheeseburgers. With bacon and extra mayonnaise, please. Try to get at least three packets squeezed in there. And here’s an industry secret: don’t bother with a Big Mac. Go to a real restaurant and order a gourmet burger  – you’ll get at least twice the calories and fat. See what the media is keeping from you? (I commend the brave journalist who presented the burger findings.) McDonald’s is relentlessly attacked (Supersize Me, anyone?) yet the best way to get sick and die is right under your nose at every major restaurant chain! Media distortion as usual.
Pizza. But no thin crust wimpy pie with veggies! Pile on that spinal-dessicated meat and get a thick cheese-stuffed crust! Now you’re talking!
Burritos. Make sure to stuff that hefalump with lots of “steak” and “cheese” and “sauce”. The cheaper, the better! It’s my right to eat a meal the size of my foot, and it better be of questionable origin! Fortunately, if you order a burrito at most convenience joints, this is all taken care of.