The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it’s aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with Kellogg’s Eggo frozen waffles.
But, Fuming Fuji, you say, Eggos come in over a dozen varieties, including “Nutri-Grain”. Isn’t a hot, toasty waffle better than those breakfast cereals you’re always fuming about?
The Fuming Fuji says no!
The claim: The U.S. government says we should eat 6 servings of grain every day. Isn’t a morning stack of Eggos a good way to get fiber into tiny tots?
The catch: 3 Eggos are stuffed with 280 calories, 720 milligrams of sodium, and 35 grams of sugar. That is all more than two cans of Coca-Cola, which makes soda feel very sad and puny. Fortunately, these waffles do not outshine Coca-Cola in the fiber department of which you seem so concerned. Each Eggo has only 1/3 of a gram of this fiber you desire. Do not forget the syrup!
Here is an idea, Kellogg’s. Since you already so generously offer many choco-nilla-cinna-butter-berry-jelly flavorings, the Fuji recommends branching out into new textures.
Inventing new artificially flavored, goo-stuffed and sugar-striped waffles must be exhausting. The Fuji understands and suggests an intravenous dietbetes Eggodrip. Bonus: easy on-the-go drip portability! (The Fuji cannot help such brilliance. Suggested slogan: “Comin’ At the Carotid!”)
The comeback: Okay, so they offer chocolate-vanilla striped waffles. And maybe the strawberry-jelly filled waffles are a little over the top. And maybe the blueberries are more blue than berry. And maybe a serving of Eggos is literally worse than two sugary sodas. And maybe the new animal-shaped Eggo mini-pancakes are pretty blatant child manipulation. And maybe there is more fiber in a lug nut. Wait…there was a comeback somewhere in this…
The conclusion: It is amazing how bleached flour, palm kernel oil, sugar and salt can be reconstituted into the fascinating grid shape we call the Eggo – and in so many amazing flavors, too! The Fuji could not hope to understand such a feat of engineering despite possessing off-the-tree genius which was duly noted when the Fuji was but a seedling.
The catchphrase: If “leggo” was not such a stupid word, the Fuji would say that is what you should do to the Eggo.
Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji.