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Let me introduce myself. My name is Mark Sisson. I’m 63 years young. I live and work in Malibu, California. In a past life I was a professional marathoner and triathlete. Now my life goal is to help 100 million people get healthy. I started this blog in 2006 to empower people to take full responsibility for their own health and enjoyment of life by investigating, discussing, and critically rethinking everything we’ve assumed to be true about health and wellness...

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February 27, 2007

The Fuming Fuji Says No to Kellogg’s Eggo Frozen Waffles

By Worker Bee
0 Comments

Fritter Love

The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it’s aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with Kellogg’s Eggo frozen waffles.

But, Fuming Fuji, you say, Eggos come in over a dozen varieties, including “Nutri-Grain”. Isn’t a hot, toasty waffle better than those breakfast cereals you’re always fuming about?

The Fuming Fuji says no!

The claim: The U.S. government says we should eat 6 servings of grain every day. Isn’t a morning stack of Eggos a good way to get fiber into tiny tots?

The catch: 3 Eggos are stuffed with 280 calories, 720 milligrams of sodium, and 35 grams of sugar. That is all more than two cans of Coca-Cola, which makes soda feel very sad and puny. Fortunately, these waffles do not outshine Coca-Cola in the fiber department of which you seem so concerned. Each Eggo has only 1/3 of a gram of this fiber you desire. Do not forget the syrup!

Here is an idea, Kellogg’s. Since you already so generously offer many choco-nilla-cinna-butter-berry-jelly flavorings, the Fuji recommends branching out into new textures.

Inventing new artificially flavored, goo-stuffed and sugar-striped waffles must be exhausting. The Fuji understands and suggests an intravenous dietbetes Eggodrip. Bonus: easy on-the-go drip portability! (The Fuji cannot help such brilliance. Suggested slogan: “Comin’ At the Carotid!”)

The comeback: Okay, so they offer chocolate-vanilla striped waffles. And maybe the strawberry-jelly filled waffles are a little over the top. And maybe the blueberries are more blue than berry. And maybe a serving of Eggos is literally worse than two sugary sodas. And maybe the new animal-shaped Eggo mini-pancakes are pretty blatant child manipulation. And maybe there is more fiber in a lug nut. Wait…there was a comeback somewhere in this…

The conclusion: It is amazing how bleached flour, palm kernel oil, sugar and salt can be reconstituted into the fascinating grid shape we call the Eggo – and in so many amazing flavors, too! The Fuji could not hope to understand such a feat of engineering despite possessing off-the-tree genius which was duly noted when the Fuji was but a seedling.

The catchphrase: If “leggo” was not such a stupid word, the Fuji would say that is what you should do to the Eggo.

Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji.

[tags]children’s health, Kellogg’s, eggo, frozen waffles, breakfast[/tags]

TAGS:  humor

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