The Fuming Fuji is famous for his feisty tirades against “toxic food”, especially, in his (or its?) words, “when it is aimed at the small fry.” Until now the notoriously voluble but reclusive fruit has refused all interview requests. Now, for the first time, the Fuming Fuji speaks. Mark’s Daily Apple is pleased to bring you this exclusive interview. But also a tiny bit scared.
Fuming Fuji, you have come out strongly against such children’s favorite as cheese-n-crackers, Gogurt, milk-n-cereal bars, and even the healthiest of breakfast cereals. Your critics say you are extreme and you’ve even been labeled a narcissist by a prominent historian and psychologist*. What do you say to your detractors?
The Fuji has no need to entertain the silly opinions of those who consider the combination of moo goop and corn cardboard to be fuel fit for the tiny tots. “Healthiest of breakfast cereals”. Ha ha, that is very humorous!
Well. Fuming Fuji, you’re certainly not shy about taking on “Big Agra” and “Big Moo”. What, in your view, are food manufacturers doing wrong?
Oh, Fuji grows weary of it all. To be honest, some days I lose my juice. That is never pretty, I can tell you. Most children’s snacks are death nuggets. They are either Blunder Tonic chemical baths or corn syrup sugar biscuits. Even the fruit added into such products as breakfast cereals is -
- Not-berries, right? I remember reading that in a column of yours -
- please do not interrupt the Fuji. That is very unwise. As I was saying, the C.E.O. of Eggo, David Mackay, is a personal enemy of mine. Oh, wait, perhaps I was not saying that. You have broken my trail of thought.
I apologize, Fuji. It won’t happen again.
It had better not.
Again, I am very sorry. I was simply expressing my enthusiasm for your particularly brilliant turns of phrase. It won’t happen again.
[Appears to be pouting.]
Fuming Fuji, precisely what should children – seedlings, as you call them – eat? Does the Fuming Fuji always say no?
I say yes to fresh vegetables, fresh lean meats, organic dairy, and fresh fruit – even apples. I am really a very easy-going apple. I am much more normal than my critics will claim. Like any apple I enjoy a good roll in the barrel from time to time.
Fuming Fuji, what are your credentials?
My degree is in Fumology. This is often overlooked. I am highly-qualified to fume.
What do you say to the recent flap over your condemnation of applesauce? Is this a personal thing?
I would eat applesauce myself if it would help the seedlings grow into strong apples. Also, if I could eat. Applesauce is a sugar bucket of enzymeless ugly fruits not fit for the shiny produce section. It is generous to even call them fruits, really.
I see. Fuming Fuji, curious readers are dying to know: are you seeing anyone special? Is there a sweet lady who gets to the core of the Fuji?
While I am aware of the profound effect my appearance has on others, I would appreciate if you would remain professional and direct your advances to someone more appropriate for you. I am sure you would do very well with pears.
…Okay. Fuming Fuji, what is the single most important food that parents and caregivers should keep away from their children?
If I told you that I would have nothing to fume about! That is an old Fumology joke, by the way. There is always plenty that is fumable by its very nature. You will find that most seedlings’ snacks are some sticky, chewy conglomeration of milk and grain. Usually it is very high in sugar and artificial ingredients. Nutripals is a good example. Oooh, they make the Fuji really furious. I nearly lose my peel over those. Many products are marketed as healthy, such as Nutripals, yogurt, and cereal bars, and they are no different from what is found in a candy bar. The best advice for raising healthy seedlings is to keep their little mitts off anything in a box. That is all for today. I must prepare.
Thank you so much for taking the time to -
* Dr. Johannes Cobbler, widely-renowned apple studies expert. To learn more about Dr. Cobbler’s contributions to academia, please see A Brief History of the Apple.