The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it’s aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with Cap’n Crunch.
But, Fuming Fuji, you say, Cap’n Crunch has been around forever! It’s the #1 children’s cereal in the country! Can’t you just cut us some slack for once?
The Fuming Fuji says no!
The claim: Quaker Oats says that Cap’n Crunch has a “unique, indescribable taste.”
The catch: That is because death is very difficult to describe the taste of, since you are dead when you taste it. Also, the Fuji is very tired of misspelled words, Captain.
The comeback: Come on, Fuji, that is ridiculous! A little sweetened cereal never hurt anyone.
The conclusion: The Fuji does not have patience for such insanity! I fume! Cap’n Crunch can take his puff pillows and stupid berries back to 1963 and stay there. Also, these Berries of Crunch are not even real berries, so the Fuji would like to inform Quaker Oats that they are in error. If you look up “berry” on Wikipedia you will see very clearly that berries are a fruit and not, in fact, a petrified corn flour sugar nugget. Also, berries do not come in teal.
The catchphrase: Avoid this Cap’n who would surely lose a spelling bee and his not-berry sugar nuggets! Unless you would like diabetes. Then, this is perfect.
Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji. Or something.
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