I'll take a stab at it:
1. Everybody squats.
2. Everybody squats below parallel.
3. Blood, sweat, and chalk are allowed. Tears are not.
4. Take a knee after heavy deadlifts. You’ll have a shorter distance to fall if you pass out.
5. Weightlifting shoes. Chuck Taylors. Bare feet. If your footwear is not listed, take it off.
6. You will be judged, harassed, teased, and abused. Sometimes it will be constructive.
7. Treat the barbell better than yourself. We don't need you, but we really need the barbell.
8. Bench press spotting is not a two-person shrug & press. If it's moving, only the presser touches it.
9. Yelling, grunting, and howling are allowed as long as they match the effort and sound like you have chest hair.
10. "You got it, bro", visible nipples, and similar violations will result in beatings.
11. Why are you still reading the rules and not squatting?
In matters of style, swim with the current. In matters of principle, stand like a rock.
This message has been intercepted by the NSA, the only branch of government that listens.
Made some adjustments based on Quikky's list. The current rules:
1. Everybody squats
2. If you don’t break parallel, they’re not squats
3. Blood, sweat, and chalk are permitted. Excuses (and tears) are not
4. Take a knee after your heavy set of deadlifts. You’ll fall a shorter distance if you pass out
5. Lifting in squishy-soled shoes will not be tolerated. Dedicated weightlifting shoes are encouraged. Lifting in Chuck Taylors or shoeless is also acceptable
6. This is not a judgment-free zone. You will be judged, harassed, teased, and abused. Sometimes, it will be constructive
7. Treat the barbell kindly. We need it far more than we need you
8. Always conduct yourself in a safe manner
9. Do not attempt to use rule # 8 to justify limiting the intensity of your efforts.
10. Bench press is a 1-man exercise. Spotters may touch the bar only to hand it off to the lifter and once it has ceased moving upwards
11. You may grunt, shout, and even roar like a lion; but the intensity of your effort must justify your guttural utterances
12. Saying “it’s all you, Bro" or "you got it, Bro!”, wearing tank tops that show your nipples, and other silly bullshit will result in beatings
13. Dirty and/or torn clothing is ok, assuming it emits no offensive odors
14. Why are you still reading the rules when you should be squatting?
The Champagne of Beards
Here's a couple of posters for ya:
There are sexier ones out there but they look like the girl probably doesn't really squat. Not that you guys would care.
Female, 5'3", 49, Starting weight: 163lbs. Current weight: 135 (more or less).
Starting squat: 45lbs. Current squat: 175 x 3. Current Deadlift: 225 x 3
Rich, you need a name for your gym too. How about:
Beards & Barbells Athletic Club.
Or: Gigantic Operation Regarding Barbells And Glutes. Just call it GORBAG for shor...aww crap.
At least name your barbell.
Sent via lightsaber
I also wish that my gym would make a rule that everybody must squat (except me!), so I could have the leg machines all to myself and do giant sets between them without any newbies disturbing my routine! I am also a great fan of short and abbreviated routines for everybody (except me!), such as HIT, that keep people out of the gym as much as possible and out of my way…