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Thread: Question for serial monogamists... page 3

  1. #21
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    The one person I know that I think I could describe as a serial monogamist (don't think she's been single for long since she started dating at 16/17, just over 10 yrs ago)... Well, now she's in an open relationship and they're going to get married. So I guess she found something that worked for her at last! But she has always defined herself by her relationships so I mostly see the danger in never being solo. She molds her personality to the person she's with. She feels worthless without a relationship.
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  2. #22
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    While I admire people who found their true partner and it worked forever, it seems simplistic to assume that serial monogamists are "desperate" to be part of a couple. I mean doesn't staying married forever maybe imply a desperation to be part of a couple?

    Anytime anyone lays one "right" model on a population, from nutrition, to procreating, to staying paired for life, one is merely foisting their bias on that population.

    An example would be having children. Until I was (thankfully) in my 40s, you have no idea the number of condescending people who were sure that eventually I'd just have to want a baby to fulfill my biological imperative. In reality, the farther away I got from my idealistic 20s, the more sure I became that I didn't want children.

    If n=1 for nutrition, surely n=1 for pair bonding, reproducing, and ideologies of all kinds.
    "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

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  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by moluv View Post
    I fall in love every chance I get. Even if the relationship lasts only a short time I want to make sure I get every ounce of heartache I deserve. I mean, heartache is one of the best, most action-producing emotions I know of.
    Quote Originally Posted by moluv View Post
    When love beckons to you, follow him,
    Though his ways are hard and steep.
    And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
    Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
    And when he speaks to you believe in him,
    Though his voice may shatter your dreams
    as the north wind lays waste the garden.

    For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
    Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
    So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

    ~Kahlil Gibran on love, from "The Prophet"

    Pretty much sums up my views on love.
    This is beautiful! And I love your attitude, moluv!

    Quote Originally Posted by moluv View Post
    I thought the question was about falling in love- to do it or not. Committing to a long term relationship requires love, sure, but it's not the same thing as falling in love. Like, at all. LTR is commitment and choice, not a feeling. The book passage I quoted above, to me, relates to the simple act of allowing yourself to fall in love knowing it will inevitably lead to pain. For that reason alone, I find it imperative to the richness of my life to allow myself to fall in love at the slightest provocation, with little questioning it. Rational decisions regarding that love are a separate matter entirely.
    Totally agree with this as well. I fall in love easily, especially in my younger years (I also fell out of love easily). As I've gotten older and more disillusioned and crankier (hehe), it's gotten harder to fall in love because I tend to find more faults with people. But I agree that the best way to live life fully, to fully experience everything--the ecstasy and the pain--you have to welcome love and embrace it at every opportunity. Sometimes this takes courage.

    Quote Originally Posted by Derpamix View Post
    I think sexual promiscuity, and polygamy are both lonely feelings, as you're never really attached to all your partners, and you're always trying to look for something else, something better. It's like a gaping hole in your soul at all times. This seems to have more in common with the opening post, rather than calling it "serial monogamy", which seems to just be the act of getting married and subsequently divorcing the person for whatever reason.
    I think meaningless sexual promiscuity is lonely, and it's a way to avoid actually falling in love or bonding with another person. But I believe that it is possible to bond, romantically and sexually, with multiple people at the same time. Most people are conditioned into believing that this is not possible, and it takes effort to overcome the conditioning. Jealousy is also something that needs to be overcome--it will ruin everything. But jealousy is really just a product of fear. Overcome the fear, and you overcome jealousy.

    Quote Originally Posted by Derpamix View Post
    I might be old school, but, my true feelings, is that, I would rather walk this earth with a partner, sharing it all, and starting a secluded family, rather than trying to branch out my "love" to several different people, which causes the intensity to lose its spark. I want one person to come home to, a familiar feeling of comfort, someone that truly knows me, and I can share that same love and pass it on to whatever children I may or may not have. Or, who knows, maybe we can just wander forever hand in hand. Being truly in love, I never ever got bored of it, but with love often does come heartbreak, but there definitely is someone out there I believe that will truly resonate with each person. I believe so, because I've felt that intensity, of the fluke, of meeting one unique person, out of billions, that has altered everything about me.
    That's beautiful, Derp. I thought that way, too, once upon a time, but I guess I've been in one too many failed monogamous relationships. I don't think that kind of life is for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by JoanieL View Post
    Anytime anyone lays one "right" model on a population, from nutrition, to procreating, to staying paired for life, one is merely foisting their bias on that population.

    An example would be having children. Until I was (thankfully) in my 40s, you have no idea the number of condescending people who were sure that eventually I'd just have to want a baby to fulfill my biological imperative. In reality, the farther away I got from my idealistic 20s, the more sure I became that I didn't want children.

    If n=1 for nutrition, surely n=1 for pair bonding, reproducing, and ideologies of all kinds.
    Absolutely! +1000!

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by JoanieL View Post
    While I admire people who found their true partner and it worked forever, it seems simplistic to assume that serial monogamists are "desperate" to be part of a couple. I mean doesn't staying married forever maybe imply a desperation to be part of a couple?

    Anytime anyone lays one "right" model on a population, from nutrition, to procreating, to staying paired for life, one is merely foisting their bias on that population.

    An example would be having children. Until I was (thankfully) in my 40s, you have no idea the number of condescending people who were sure that eventually I'd just have to want a baby to fulfill my biological imperative. In reality, the farther away I got from my idealistic 20s, the more sure I became that I didn't want children.

    If n=1 for nutrition, surely n=1 for pair bonding, reproducing, and ideologies of all kinds.
    I really, really agree with this. It's reductionist to make sweeping statements about a behavioural pattern. Even if some people are doing it because they can't be alone, so what? It's not necessarily more admirable to want to be alone.

    And yeah, agree about the kids. I'm 31 and have never felt maternal. People keep telling me that I'm repressing / I'll change my mind / my genes are too good not to pass on (thanks, Grandmother ) but honestly I can think of nothing worse than being saddled with a kid who I have support for at least 20 years...

    Quote Originally Posted by kingofbaconandeggs View Post
    Women need love. Men need respect.
    Interesting... Anyone care to elaborate?

    Quote Originally Posted by kingofbaconandeggs View Post
    Love is the attachment that results from choosing to deeply appreciate another's goodness.
    I love that. When I've been in love I felt I'd seen pure beauty of spirit in another person.

    Then I got to know them and realised that no one's perfect
    Last edited by YogaBare; 10-08-2013 at 01:36 PM.
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  5. #25
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    The whole thread is like a celebration of difference. In general the feeling I get from it is that we're all the same in our search for the things that make life worthwhile-interesting-tolerable, and there's no right or wrong about it - we all start from different places and have different end goals. I know for sure that my life looks boring from the outside, especially for someone who is loving variety and drama. For me, though, it's deeply peaceful.
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  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    I really, really agree with this. It's reductionist to make sweeping statements about a behavioural pattern. Even if some people are doing it because they can't be alone, so what? It's not necessarily more admirable to want to be alone.

    And yeah, agree about the kids. I'm 31 and have never felt maternal. People keep telling me that I'm repressing / I'll change my mind / my genes are too good not to pass on (thanks, Grandmother ) but honestly I can think of nothing worse than being saddled with a kid who I have support for at least 20 years...
    People are defensive about their choices, especially if the choices are made due to societal expectations. If we're talking specifically about kids, there's definitely a social pressure to have them. It's not a matter of "if" you want them, it's a matter of "when" and how many. There are many people who have them due to this pressure, and are unhappy. However, it is so ingrained in society that kids are the right thing to do in life, and are such a joy for all, that questioning the decision to have kids, is offensive, or seen as abnormal, to many.

    Tell a parent that it sucks they had kids and see how they react. However, they can question you not having kids, and it's normal. Somehow, everyone is mature enough to make the decision to have kids, but no one is mature enough to decide they do not want them.

    My guess is that many people never question what they truly want in life, and instead follow the default "script". College. Marriage. House. Kids. Nothing wrong with any of those things... If they are what you truly want. Some people follow this script, and deep down realize it's not really what they want. Then, when they see someone make a choice that is against the grain, there's maybe envy, or anger on some level, and a need to question and judge the individual on making the seemingly abnormal choice.

  7. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by quikky View Post
    My guess is that many people never question what they truly want in life, and instead follow the default "script". College. Marriage. House. Kids. Nothing wrong with any of those things... If they are what you truly want. Some people follow this script, and deep down realize it's not really what they want. Then, when they see someone make a choice that is against the grain, there's maybe envy, or anger on some level, and a need to question and judge the individual on making the seemingly abnormal choice.
    Yup. And then when they see you being happy with the choices that you've made which were so different to theirs, they tell you with envy that you're "lucky"; not recognising how much strength it actually takes to push against the walls they form around you and pave your own way through life.
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  8. #28
    girlhk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by quikky View Post
    My guess is that many people never question what they truly want in life, and instead follow the default "script". College. Marriage. House. Kids. Nothing wrong with any of those things... If they are what you truly want. Some people follow this script, and deep down realize it's not really what they want. Then, when they see someone make a choice that is against the grain, there's maybe envy, or anger on some level, and a need to question and judge the individual on making the seemingly abnormal choice.
    Questioning is hard.

    My parents raised be to be perfect trophy wife type which I rebelled against in my 20s. I was certain I didn't want kids back then. I didn't know what I wanted though.

    Now I'm married with a kid, both conscious decisions. Having a kid does fill in a certain void. I don't have to think too hard about want I want because all my time and energy goes into this kid.

    Having a husband and a family of my own gives me stability and lessens the emotional roller-coaster involved in dating and trying to figure out what to do with myself. I'm more functional. It's kind of a cop-out, but oh well.

  9. #29
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    Interesting takes on things in this thread. I always thought "serial monogamy" was more about only dating one person at a time vs dating multiple people at the same time regardless of whether or not you think that one person is or may become "the one"

  10. #30
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    When I see the term "serial monogamy" I take it to mean someone who goes from one relationship to the next without a courting period in between. When they meet someone they immediatly become bf/gf or what have you. They sort of miss or skip a step in the dating process where you should be a bit excited or making an effort make the other person feel like they are a bit special and you want to show that you are putting forth an effort to impress them. Instead they are instantly comfortable with the other person, as in within a few times dating they are hanging around in their sweatpants watching Seinfeld re-runs.

    As a pesonal example I'm a soon to be divorced after a 16 year relationship. I met someone who I thought I might like to get to know, she said the same about me and we started chatting. My thoughts on a relationship at this point differ slightly from how I had been in the past. We are both obviously grown and have kids, I have a home and great relationship with my kids. I found that what I wanted to be when I grew up was a Dad. After quite some time I've become happy being me. I, like Yoga, enjoy being alone at times. I wanted a situation where we dated but not entwined our personal lives, she wanted to buy an Escalade to put all our kids in. This was date one. I reared up so fast It was sort of like Yosemite Sam riding a dragon. She I think is a serial monogamist, someone who just needs to be with someone who she feels attracted to. She thought a nice date was hanging at my house watching TV. I told her that I thought it was nice to be uncomfortable, to have a courtship see how things progess.

    Some folks may be a bit more adapted to this, and like Moluv, I think in someways it's good it keeps things dynamic. For me I think the immediate comfort level and intimacy with all aspects of your life may be a bit much at this point.
    I find your lack of bacon disturbing.

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