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Thread: Is monogamy worthwhile; is there a point to it? page 5

  1. #41
    Neckhammer's Avatar
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    Does no more sloppy seconds count as plus for monogamy?

  2. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by AMonkey View Post
    I think part of the problem is that I don't know what works for me. I've dated several women at once, but it was only on an extremely casual level. I'm not sure I could date multiple girls when my girlfriend thinks I'm the love of her life.
    Despite my uncertainty I'm not really in a position to date around. Working life sucks, I'm dead tired all day and have little time to hang out.

    I do think its worth clarifying with my girlfriend, the nature of the relationship and what her boundaries are. Then from there we'll both have a clearer idea of how to make each other happy, and not upsetting each other.
    You are young. You should not commit to anyone right now.

    The thing with the way humans pair up or otherwise join together is that there is no culture on earth that does not have rules around it, some a lot more strict and with a lot less equality between the sexes than the basic serial monogamy of modern Western culture. Having rules around how to join households is as old as humanity and isn't something you can just do away with. Maybe even older than humanity. It appears to be some kind of innate thing.

    In the end, it is very difficult to bond with people in a way that does not fit in with the culture you live in. This is not a value judgement, just a reality. You can try whatever you like, but you do risk being hurt or hurting others because we are all enculturated with certain norms, whether we think we buy into those norms or not. Sometimes you just have to experiment to find your way.
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  3. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by sbhikes View Post
    You are young. You should not commit to anyone right now.

    The thing with the way humans pair up or otherwise join together is that there is no culture on earth that does not have rules around it, some a lot more strict and with a lot less equality between the sexes than the basic serial monogamy of modern Western culture. Having rules around how to join households is as old as humanity and isn't something you can just do away with. Maybe even older than humanity. It appears to be some kind of innate thing.

    In the end, it is very difficult to bond with people in a way that does not fit in with the culture you live in. This is not a value judgement, just a reality. You can try whatever you like, but you do risk being hurt or hurting others because we are all enculturated with certain norms, whether we think we buy into those norms or not. Sometimes you just have to experiment to find your way.
    +1

  4. #44
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    I think you're asking the wrong question. I wonder why you are getting so quickly and deeply invested in a relationship before putting in the requisite time to ascertain your partner's values and build the trust necessary for viable monogamy. Assuming that's what you want. You appear to be leaning that way, but seems like you are exploring other options.

  5. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cryptocode View Post
    Back in the 50's, it used to be that people married for 3 big reasons:
    1. To have children and do your best raising them,
    2. To build an estate (capital) sufficient for your retirement and possible sickness. At that time it was considered really bad if you had to live with your children because you had insufficient capital to support yourself in old age.
    3. To have the company of a long term partner until the end of your life.

    I'm not sure that #2 is at all possible today

    So it depends upon your own personal goals. You're young now with strong hormones and drives. That will change in time and your desires will change. It's important to determine your own life goals and stick to them.

    you just left social pressure and family shaming off of the list entirely...?

    half of my ancestry is italian, one grandparent for each parent, and they both have some unmarried aunts in the picture. Not a friendly lifestyle niche for that generation.
    "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

    Jack london, "Before Adam"

  6. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by sbhikes View Post
    You are young. You should not commit to anyone right now.

    The thing with the way humans pair up or otherwise join together is that there is no culture on earth that does not have rules around it, some a lot more strict and with a lot less equality between the sexes than the basic serial monogamy of modern Western culture. Having rules around how to join households is as old as humanity and isn't something you can just do away with. Maybe even older than humanity. It appears to be some kind of innate thing.

    In the end, it is very difficult to bond with people in a way that does not fit in with the culture you live in. This is not a value judgement, just a reality. You can try whatever you like, but you do risk being hurt or hurting others because we are all enculturated with certain norms, whether we think we buy into those norms or not. Sometimes you just have to experiment to find your way.
    Quote Originally Posted by secret agent girl View Post
    I think you're asking the wrong question. I wonder why you are getting so quickly and deeply invested in a relationship before putting in the requisite time to ascertain your partner's values and build the trust necessary for viable monogamy. Assuming that's what you want. You appear to be leaning that way, but seems like you are exploring other options.
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  7. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aldergirl View Post
    Indeed. There's no need to use subliminal messages in poetry to "free" someone else's mind to preferring non-monogamy...Oh, sorry, wrong thread!
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  8. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr.Perfidy View Post
    you just left social pressure and family shaming off of the list entirely...?

    half of my ancestry is italian, one grandparent for each parent, and they both have some unmarried aunts in the picture. Not a friendly lifestyle niche for that generation.

    I left out social pressure because today social pressure is aimed at very different things than it was in the 50's, and I'm really not current with it now. My family was quite large including 4 generations and certainly had it's share of unmarried relatives who were as much loved an included as anyone else.

    Quote Originally Posted by sbhikes View Post
    In the end, it is very difficult to bond with people in a way that does not fit in with the culture you live in. This is not a value judgement, just a reality. You can try whatever you like, but you do risk being hurt or hurting others because we are all enculturated with certain norms, whether we think we buy into those norms or not. Sometimes you just have to experiment to find your way.
    Indeed, yes. Culture is very important, even critical. Back in the 50's when we had pretty fixed communities we knew everyone and their families. I remember dating one person from a very different cultural background. I felt uncomfortable in their home and with their manners (behavior). Certainly they did nothing wrong at all, they were very kind and nice. But I didn't know what to expect or what they expected of me. It's almost more important to get to know your partners family and relatives first. Look hard for partners of the same culture. Unless you're determined to be a 1%er or to change cultures. Then don't marry until much later or you have learned the new culture.
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  9. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by secret agent girl View Post
    I think you're asking the wrong question. I wonder why you are getting so quickly and deeply invested in a relationship before putting in the requisite time to ascertain your partner's values and build the trust necessary for viable monogamy. Assuming that's what you want. You appear to be leaning that way, but seems like you are exploring other options.
    So I'm 24 in October. I held a girls hand for the first time in October 2013, went on a date for the first time in October 2013, kissed for the first time in October 2013, had a girlfriend for the first time in October 2013, lost my virginity in October 2013.
    So I was quite the late bloomer, but apparently I'm quite attractive and charming. All of my relationships were short though, either I dumped them or they dumped me, or it was never anything more than sex.

    So then I graduated university and moved country. I started dating within a week of getting here (I love the internet) but then I met this girl. She stood out from all the other girls I've met. I decided; why don't I do something I've never done before and go for a long term, monogamous relationship?

    So this is why I may be 'rushing'. This whole experience was/is still new to me. Now I'm wondering if its really for me.

  10. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by AMonkey View Post
    So I'm 24 in October. I held a girls hand for the first time in October 2013, went on a date for the first time in October 2013, kissed for the first time in October 2013, had a girlfriend for the first time in October 2013, lost my virginity in October 2013.
    So I was quite the late bloomer, but apparently I'm quite attractive and charming. All of my relationships were short though, either I dumped them or they dumped me, or it was never anything more than sex.

    So then I graduated university and moved country. I started dating within a week of getting here (I love the internet) but then I met this girl. She stood out from all the other girls I've met. I decided; why don't I do something I've never done before and go for a long term, monogamous relationship?

    So this is why I may be 'rushing'. This whole experience was/is still new to me. Now I'm wondering if its really for me.
    I guess the whole experience is new, since October 2013 hasn't happened yet...

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