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  1. #1
    MIstressKiki's Avatar
    MIstressKiki is offline Senior Member
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    Emotional Cooking

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    Hi,

    I've finally started seeing someone semi-seriously and he is lovely. Problem is that he is very much carbs/CW-oriented in his food preferences (despite bloat, obesity and joint issues .....) and loves to cook.

    I don't want food to become an issue but I also don't want to put all my effort and expense of eating primally to waste for the sake of a relationship.

    He tells me he loves me 'just the way you are' but I am not the way I want to be and intend on being primal for the rest of my life in order to be as healthy as I possibly can, with a side order of slim.

    He cooks to show affection and I don't want to stymie what could be a lovely thing for the sake of food but, at the same time, I don't want to give up a way of life which suits me.

    I don't do 'diplomatic' and even after 6 months of seeing each other he still won't accommodate the non-processed, lowish carb, wholefoods approach. I tend to cook what I will eat and add pasta or potatoes or bread for him, but he seems incapable of doing the same thing in reverse. Problem is I have zero willpower when people play the emotional card with food.

    I do feel neurotic agonising over this but this is the rest of my life I'm talking about (the food, not him). At the same time, though, my health is my health and I feel I'm putting my hard work to waste when I am presented with a big plate of carbohydrate affection ...... :-(

    Ideas on how to approach this nicely (I'm not too good at 'nice') would be appreciated, along with any advice on how to live with a person who is non-primal to the point of sabotaging my efforts (no matter how unintentionally) would be very much appreciated. Thanks xx
    I don't ask that you like me - all I ask is that you respect my life experiences and i will do the same.

  2. #2
    namelesswonder's Avatar
    namelesswonder is offline Senior Member
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    If he is guilt-tripping you by telling you things like, "But I made this for you!" "But I'm showing how much I care through this food I made!" That is not okay. That is called manipulation. He is not respecting you by not taking your food choices seriously, but then again, if you are not enforcing your way of eating in front of him/when he makes meals (not eating what is not compliant with your diet), he may not realize he is doing wrong. The only way I survive with my SAD-eating husband is by doing what you do for him. He does the same for me because he knows I'm eating this way for my health. I try not to make pasta mostly because I forget how to =P but potatoes and rice are pretty common.

    If I feel like I am not capable of being nice about something, I preface the conversation with that so they know I'm being a jerk, but really wish I wasn't. I just don't know how else to approach the situation because I'm too frustrated/emotionally compromised. It doesn't always go that well, but it's at least a way to broach the issue. I would say start by assessing how clear you are being about making your needs known, and then go from there. If you feel like you are making it very clear that your diet is non-negotiable and he's not respecting that, then the problem is entirely his.
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  3. #3
    drjoyous's Avatar
    drjoyous is offline Senior Member
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    Run. You accommodate his food choices and he doesn't do the reverse or respect yours? Sorry, but run. Run nicely, but run nonetheless!

  4. #4
    turquoisepassion's Avatar
    turquoisepassion is offline Senior Member
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    I told the dude I am dating now on the second date I only ate steak and eggs (during the steak and eggs challenge)... in the middle of a date where he took me to an Italian restaurant after theatre and insisted on splitting a lasagna trio that I told him I didn't want.

    He subsequently always made sure I had plenty of meat options at every party/dinner he brought me to and spoke up for me when I didn't want to trouble the host. He also declined friends' invitations for dinner over when he thought I wouldnt have enough options. He still tries to offer me brownies once in a while, but overall he really makes an effort to make sure I am comfortably following my lifestyle.

    If a guy is truly interested in you and respects you, he will be interested in and respect your life choices, however crazy the choices may seem to him. Respect is a two way street.

    If he really likes you, he would try to cook you primal/paleo dishes instead. End of story. Talk to him about respecting your choices and if he doesn't listen, run away.

    I personally would never change anything I deeply care about for a guy... In the end I would just resent him for making me change. There is a difference between wearing a dress because you know it is his favorite and eating crappy food because he insists on feeding you it.

    Eta: long story short... Life is too short. Spend it with people who appreciate you for who you are (paleo or not), rather than wasting time trying to appease those who do not.
    Last edited by turquoisepassion; 09-05-2013 at 10:06 AM.
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    HCLF: lean red meat, eggs, low-fat dairy, bone broth/gelatin, fruits, seafood, liver, small amount of starch (oatmeal, white rice, potatoes, carrots), small amount of saturated fat (butter/ghee/coconut/dark chocolate/cheese).

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  5. #5
    drjoyous's Avatar
    drjoyous is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by turquoisepassion View Post
    I told the dude I am dating now on the second date I only ate steak and eggs (during the steak and eggs challenge)... in the middle of a date where he took me to an Italian restaurant after theatre and insisted on splitting a lasagna trio that I told him I didn't want.

    He subsequently always made sure I had plenty of meat options at every party/dinner he brought me to and spoke up for me when I didn't want to trouble the host. He also declined friends' invitations for dinner over when he thought I wouldnt have enough options. He still tries to offer me brownies once in a while, but overall he really makes an effort to make sure I am comfortably following my lifestyle.

    If a guy is truly interested in you and respects you, he will be interested in and respect your life choices, however crazy the choices may seem to him. Respect is a two way street.

    If he really likes you, he would try to cook you primal/paleo dishes instead. End of story. Talk to him about respecting your choices and if he doesn't listen, run away.

    I personally would never change anything I deeply care about for a guy... In the end I would just resent him for making me change. There is a difference between wearing a dress because you know it is his favorite and eating crappy food because he insists on feeding you it.

    Eta: long story short... Life is too short. Spend it with people who appreciate you for who you are (paleo or not), rather than wasting time trying to appease those who do not.
    +1000. Much more nicely put than my terse advice!
    LOL

  6. #6
    turquoisepassion's Avatar
    turquoisepassion is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by drjoyous View Post
    +1000. Much more nicely put than my terse advice!
    LOL
    Hehe. I just didn't want the OP to make the same mistakes I used to with guys.
    ------
    HCLF: lean red meat, eggs, low-fat dairy, bone broth/gelatin, fruits, seafood, liver, small amount of starch (oatmeal, white rice, potatoes, carrots), small amount of saturated fat (butter/ghee/coconut/dark chocolate/cheese).

    My Journal: gelatin experiments, vanity pictures, law school rants, recipe links


    Food blog: GELATIN and BONE BROTH recipes

    " The best things in life are free and the 2nd best are expensive!" - Coco Chanel

  7. #7
    picklepete's Avatar
    picklepete is offline Senior Member
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    You need to be a lot more consistent. Obviously he'll continue to provide his type of food as long as you keep eating it. But after 2 or 3 awkward encounters where you prepare an alternative for yourself he'll be conditioned against doing so.

    It's a normal pattern of relationships to poke and prod around the boundaries to learn where they are. If you surrender half the time the other person just gets confused.
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  8. #8
    Nivanthe's Avatar
    Nivanthe is offline Senior Member
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    I'm pretty direct, so I'm the type to just say it (although nicely). "I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't cook those things for me, and perhaps try making extra (xyz meat/whatever) portion instead. I can't have [these types of foods]."

    You could pin it on diet or health, whatever works. If you had an allergy to nuts, would he still try to give you pecan pie?

    My BF is kind of CW, but at least a "whole foods" eater. I told him I can't really do bread and he respects that, and cooks whatever the food is, and just doesn't give me the roll/toast/whatever on the side like he has.

  9. #9
    Graycat's Avatar
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    I would suggest not making food the centerpiece of your time together. There are so many fun things that you could be doing instead.
    Secondly, if a guy can not respect your food choices, that doesn't sound very promising in regards to your relationship.

  10. #10
    Derpamix's Avatar
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    He cooks for you, and there are carbs involved?

    Dump that oppressive pig, down with patriarchy
    nihil

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