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Thread: How do you know if you should break up with someone? page

  1. #1
    diene's Avatar
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    How do you know if you should break up with someone?

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    Yet another relationship advice thread...

    So I've been with my bf for five years. We've been living together for the past 4 years. The relationship started falling apart when we moved in together because he became really controlling. He doesn't like it when I got out without him, and I feel like I need to ask his permission to go out with friends. He also treats me like a maid at times. When we first started dating, I'd go over to his place and cook (because I like cooking), and I'd sometimes also clean shit for him (cuz I'm nice like that). I don't really mind cooking and cleaning, but I don't like it when the man expects me to do those things.

    I'm also from CA, and I currently live on the East Coast. I hate it here. Really. Hate it. I want to move back home where all of my college buddies are. The fact that most of my close friends here on the East Coast have moved away over the past year also doesn't help.

    My bf and I have been living in this apartment for the past 4 years, but we have to move out by the end of September. So we've been looking for a new place to move to, but, in the mean time, I have been thinking about moving back to the CA. After much agonizing, I decided that I wanted to move. And the time to move is next month since it doesn't make sense to move into a new apartment if I'm going to be moving back to the CA soon.

    So this past Saturday, I told my bf that I wanted to move back to CA. I expected (and my friend who also knows him also expected) him to start belittling my decision, to try to argue against it, and whatnot. But he didn't really. He said, "it's okay, I understand." As soon as he said that, I started to cry. I cried a lot, and it was really sad. It was really really sad. And it hurt a lot. And I wanted the pain to stop so I started thinking about whether it would be possible to fix our relationship.

    I started questioning everything. Maybe I don't really want to leave him. Maybe this is a mistake. Maybe I don't need to move back to CA. Maybe I could negotiate something with him...You know, maybe, if I had a job that allowed it, I could go back to CA 3 weeks out of the year (possibly spread out over 4 trips) by myself so I can still see my friends. Maybe that would be enough? I don't know. But a part of me obviously still wants to move back and still thinks that it's the right choice.

    I also don't know if it's possible to fix our relationship. In general, is it possible for a person to change within the context of a relationship? We would have to go to couple's therapy because we don't communicate very well on our own. He's not really into communication, and, as a result, we have never really communicated much so now, my communication skills, as far as he's concerned, have atrophied. And I can't begin to communicate with him either. So we'd need help. We tried therapy once in the past, but it didn't work cuz the therapist sucked. If we're going to do it again, I'd have to find a good therapist.

    But I don't even know if it can be fixed or if it's worth fixing. But it just hurts so much. It's so sad, and, sometimes, I can't believe that I'm leaving him. But other times, it seems like the right thing to do. Other times, it seems like I should have left 4 years ago.

    So...what should I do?

  2. #2
    Mr. Anthony's Avatar
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    Diene, you haven't said what you like about him. That is a red flag. Personally I have a very low threshold for being controlled, as soon as I sense that in someone I'm out of there, so my opinion may be a little biased.
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    breakups are sad. most people do have good points as well as bad and unless someones a total prat they have likeable bits and no doubt you have some good memories too - but if you are here,asking this, then i would imagine you really know in your heart it should be over.
    is this what you want forever? if not get it over and done with and move on; painful i know but better for both of you in the long run. keep in mind you've had 5 years to fix this - if it was really worth it you'd have done it
    good luck in whatever you choose to do
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    It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be sad about the relationship ending. That doesn't mean that it's the wrong decision for you. A good decision is not necessarily an easy one.

    I did not need to read past the first couple of paragraphs, but I did anyway. If I was in your shoes, I would break it off and move away.

    I can't really say if it's something that seems worth fixing to me without context about what you DO like about the relationship, but the fact that you left that out says to me it's not worth it.
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  6. #6
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    It seems like an easy, non-drama way to end the relationship. Move to California.

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    Mr.Perfidy's Avatar
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    Can't you break up with him without moving across the country though? You don't think that maybe you miss it and want to go back exactly because you are unhappy in your relationship now?

    That you are citing "being with your college buddies" as the reason to move back makes me think that's likely- idealizing past experience and shit, it's a tendency that distorts and alters memory to emphasize the good and forget the bad.

    Also, college people move on; none of them are the same people- some of them are grown-ups now with boring-ass tedious grown-up lives, some of them will be all burned out and shit and losery and weird. You aren't going to just drop back into your happier memories of the past like.
    "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

    Jack london, "Before Adam"

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    diene's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr.Perfidy View Post
    Can't you break up with him without moving across the country though? You don't think that maybe you miss it and want to go back exactly because you are unhappy in your relationship now?

    That you are citing "being with your college buddies" as the reason to move back makes me think that's likely- idealizing past experience and shit, it's a tendency that distorts and alters memory to emphasize the good and forget the bad.

    Also, college people move on; none of them are the same people- some of them are grown-ups now with boring-ass tedious grown-up lives, some of them will be all burned out and shit and losery and weird. You aren't going to just drop back into your happier memories of the past like.
    You make it sound like I haven't stayed in touch with said college buddies. When I'm there, it really does feel like I've never left.

    And I've wanted to move back as soon as I moved here, before I met my bf. Breaking up and staying here would be like the worst of both worlds. Why on earth would I want to stay here alone?

    You have no idea how much I detest this place. The people are annoying, the weather sucks, and the streets are dirty.

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  9. #9
    Mr.Perfidy's Avatar
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    haha ok then.
    "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

    Jack london, "Before Adam"

  10. #10
    not on the rug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by diene View Post
    You make it sound like I haven't stayed in touch with said college buddies. When I'm there, it really does feel like I've never left.

    And I've wanted to move back as soon as I moved here, before I met my bf. Breaking up and staying here would be like the worst of both worlds. Why on earth would I want to stay here alone?

    You have no idea how much I detest this place. The people are annoying, the weather sucks, and the streets are dirty.

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