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Thread: How do you know if you should break up with someone? page 5

  1. #41
    moluv's Avatar
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    Is it at all possible that the reason he said "ok I understand" and is acting nonchalant about it is because he secretly wants the breakup too? Or is he just that bad at communicating that a few words are all he can manage?

  2. #42
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    Unfortunately, I really don't think that he wants to break up.

    We don't really communicate very well, and I think acting normal is just a way to avoid having to deal with it. When I saw that he was acting normal, I acted normal as well. So, you know, we wouldn't have to deal with it.

  3. #43
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    You know what's weird? Last night, my bf behaved like nothing has happened. Our interactions were completely normal, which was kind of disconcerting. I'm going to have to bring it up again tonight. I know he's going on a business trip to London next month, and I think the best time for me to pack and move my stuff would be while he's gone. So I'm going to have to find out exactly when he's going to be gone.
    My husband is moving out in a couple of weeks after a year of trying various things to keep it together. He is also acting like nothing happened - hasn't started packing or talking about it, still calling me honey - it's weird. I think he won't face up to it until he is actual on his way out the door. Which should be easier but seems eerily calm to me.

  4. #44
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    Hey Zanna--Sorry about your troubles! Yeah, acting like nothing happened is weird, but I guess it's better than the alternative? I guess I'm not sure how you're supposed to act under these circumstances. Oy, life is complicated!

  5. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zanna View Post
    My husband is moving out in a couple of weeks after a year of trying various things to keep it together. He is also acting like nothing happened - hasn't started packing or talking about it, still calling me honey - it's weird. I think he won't face up to it until he is actual on his way out the door. Which should be easier but seems eerily calm to me.
    An ex who lived with me once upon a time did the same thing when I asked her to move out of my condo. I just bit my tongue, brought empty copy paper boxes home from work and left them in/near the bedroom (I was sleeping up in the loft), and every so often asked how her search for a new apartment was going. Just stayed calm but made it clear that she did really have to move out on the agreed-upon date. And she did.

  6. #46
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    Hey Di,

    Sorry to come into this so late. Firstly - I'm really glad you finally brought things up with him. I know you were nervous about it, so kudos - at least the initial conversation is out of the way.

    It's pretty normal to have doubts once you say the words. I think a lot of people fear making a huge mistake. However, what finally got me out of my long-term relationship was the thought that for a relationship to work, it has to be "good" at least a certain percent of the time. That percent will vary from person to person, but maybe it's worth considering how much happiness in a relationship is enough for you to stay in it?

    Back then my standards were pretty low, so I figured that a relationship had to be happy 50% of the time for it to be worth it, and mine wasn't. Sounds strange, but that little boundary gave me the final push to break up with him.

    Also, many people go into denial about things like this. I think it's cos they can't process it (the perceived rejection?). My ex didn't believe that I had broken up with him until he went on holidays and I moved all his stuff out (I'd been trying to get rid of him for three - four years..!) And I know of a lot of other situations where men / women just don't accept the break up: either by ignoring it, or convincing themselves that the person will come to their senses.

    Good luck... <3

    Btw, I'm still coming to CA, but it will be springtime, so keep it warm for me til I see you there
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  7. #47
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    Thanks, YB! I guess the percentage of time during which our relationship is good depends on your definition of good. I mean, if you define good as perfect, spectacular, dreamy...then 0%. If it's just good as in not bad, then probably 80%. If good as in above average, then probably 50%. I'm not sure which of these definitions to pick--haha! I've come to the conclusion that romance is something that fades (for me anyway) with time in every relationship and that the thing that will make a long-term relationship work for me is a strong foundation of friendship. The friendship will be there once the romance has faded, and what more can one ask but to spend the rest of one's life with one's best (or, at least, very close) friend? And it is the close friendship that is missing from this relationship, which is why I want to move on.

    Anyway, I feel like even I am in denial about it although I'm the one who wants to break it off. The entire thing still feels surreal to me. And I still constantly want to change my mind.

  8. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by diene View Post
    Thanks, YB! I guess the percentage of time during which our relationship is good depends on your definition of good. I mean, if you define good as perfect, spectacular, dreamy...then 0%. If it's just good as in not bad, then probably 80%. If good as in above average, then probably 50%. I'm not sure which of these definitions to pick--haha! I've come to the conclusion that romance is something that fades (for me anyway) with time in every relationship and that the thing that will make a long-term relationship work for me is a strong foundation of friendship. The friendship will be there once the romance has faded, and what more can one ask but to spend the rest of one's life with one's best (or, at least, very close) friend? And it is the close friendship that is missing from this relationship, which is why I want to move on.

    Anyway, I feel like even I am in denial about it although I'm the one who wants to break it off. The entire thing still feels surreal to me. And I still constantly want to change my mind.
    I was in a very similar spot a while back. in a strange place, in this type of a relationship for over 4 years, etc, feeling the way you were. I decided to take the plunge and break it off with her, and it was awful at first. i'm not going to lie. but I got out and had an amazing adventure for the next 3 years in that strange city, met a lot of awesome people, and had the time of my life. I met an amazing woman, and this summer made 10 years that we've been together. nobody can tell you what to do in this situation. but if you aren't sure that this is the person for you, then he probably isn't. you only get one shot at life, don't waste it by not being happy
    I have a lot of hard miles on my body from before I realized I'm not 100% invulnerable. Now I just think I'm 75% invulnerable. -Mr. Anthony

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  9. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by diene View Post
    I've come to the conclusion that romance is something that fades (for me anyway) with time in every relationship...Anyway, I feel like even I am in denial about it although I'm the one who wants to break it off. The entire thing still feels surreal to me. And I still constantly want to change my mind.
    Ain't that the troof...

  10. #50
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    I ended my relationship a couple months ago and it was a hard decision as we got along well most of the time. I think that when the sex is good and the attraction is still there then most other issues can be resolved. If the attraction has waned and or the sex isn't satisfying though then it's time to bite the bullet and explore other options.

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