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Thread: Has anyone been in an open relationship? page

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    YogaBare's Avatar
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    Has anyone been in an open relationship?

    Primal Fuel
    Kind of following from the "other woman / man" thread, I wanted to ask if any of you enlightened souls have been in open relationships?

    If so, how did you broach that you wanted the relationship to be open?

    How did things progress? Did jealousies manifest?

    Did you eventually decide that you wanted to commit to that person, or did you part ways?
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

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    I was... Didn't know it at the time, but she did mention that she wanted that.

    Personally I think they make sense for quite a few people. Of course I'm kind of burnt on monogamy... It's been a weird life.
    Eat like a Beast, feel like a Beast!
    Eat from a huge bag of processed junk... Well... You know.

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    moluv's Avatar
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    Has anyone been in an open relationship?

    I have not personally, but my best friend was in one (that turned monogamous) and I have a client I am close with who is in a successful open marriage. It's a topic I love to discuss philosophically but don't find it practical for myself. Hope you don't mind if I put my two second-hand cents in.

    My BF was living on an intentional community in northern Cali and it was just the culture there that most everyone had open relationships. The community required constant communication in order to function properly and since there was no slut-shaming or possessiveness it seemed to work well for everyone. My friend got involved with a man that she fell pretty hard for and while she was keen on sharing at first she got jealous and felt left out later when he got interested in someone else. Long story short they were off and on a bunch of times until finally the guy decided he'd rather have her in his life than not (I am pretty sure that was her ultimatum). They have since moved off the community into a house in another town and are domesticating.

    As to my client friend she says she loves the open relationship and has been married 10 years. They each get to have one main rule. His rule is that they can't bring people home unless the other has made arrangements to stay out all evening and hers is that the "secondary" relationship persons feelings are respected as much as the first persons. Or something like that, it's not even a "rule" per se but basically amounts to "don't have a temper tantrum and make me stand up my date" kind of thing. I haven't met her husband but she seems super devoted while also enjoying prowling.

    That probably doesn't really answer your question but just thought I would share the little I know. And also so I can follow this thread 😊

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    I was with my first lover for about seven years from about age 16 to 23. We kind of drifted in and out of monogamy depending on what was going on at the time. It was all above board. If one of us started spending too much time outside our core relationship, the other would usually address it (or pitch a bitch), and we'd go back to monogamy again. It's easier intellectually that it is emotionally with someone you love. I think what kept it from messing us up was the fact that both of us were always ready to get back to traditional "coupledom" if the other needed that. That all happened before AIDS had a name. I'm not sure it would be as feasible now for me.
    "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

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    I don't like the idea and neither does my girlfriend . I personally don't see how you can be married and still have sex with other people in your own home?

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    To begin with, why do you keep asking deep relationship questions on a diet/fitness/health forum?

    Just be honest! Why is it so darn hard? Why do men who want extra women just lie and cheat behind their girlfriend/wives backs? Why do women do the same?

    Personally, I just tell girls right from the beginning that I do what ever I want and nobody owns me and never will, and I'm never going to get married and I'm never going to change. I don't want to be controlled and I don't want to control anyone else in any way shape or form either. That solves it all. They come and go.

    And the greatest part about is when you do it that way, if you really are loving, they'll always still be there for you in some sort of way shape or form, even if you part for what ever reason such as new lover, moving far away, etc.. But lying and cheating is a sure recipe for someone to resent you and cut you out of their lives forever.

    I am sure there are a lot of people out there who would think that I am wrong. But they are often the ones who lie and cheat or get lied and cheated on. At least I'm not living a lie. I'm honest with myself. And I live my life the way I want. I don't care what anyone else tells me I should and shouldn't do, I'm happy, so they can shove it.

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    Zanna's Avatar
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    I'm guessing that's why she posted in Odds and Ends instead of in the Fitness thread. I personally like seeing threads like this that are outside of the norm. And to answer the question, I've never been in an open relationship but think I might be a good fit for something poly amorous. Don't know how that would work in reality though, with someone I really loved. I love hard, lol. Sharing usually doesn't enter my mind unless I'm unhappy in a relationship and I fix that by ending the unhappy relationship.

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    YogaBare's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences!

    For those of you who got into open relationships, how did you broach the subject? I'm kind of getting involved with this friend of mine, and I want to be clear from the start that I don't want to be boxed in to anything...

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanna View Post
    I love hard, lol. Sharing usually doesn't enter my mind unless I'm unhappy in a relationship and I fix that by ending the unhappy relationship.
    I love hard too... but my problem is that I'm overly critical cos I'm always trying to find the perfect person (who doesn't exist). WIth this new attitude I'm actually experiencing a lot more openness towards romantic situations. Guys I wouldn't have considered in the past are now appealing to me because I am recognising aspects of their beauty that I would have ignored before. In just a few days things have opened out a lot. It's very interesting..!

    Quote Originally Posted by Ripped View Post
    To begin with, why do you keep asking deep relationship questions on a diet/fitness/health forum?
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

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    I find the idea of open relationships to be an interesting concept, but I'm not sure that it's for me. If I am really in love, I can't imagine that I'd be ok with them being that intimate with another. However, if I am living in a community where everyone is just living in the moment and going with the flow, this would be more feasible... until I fell in love.

    I also think that to make this work, the participants must be exceptional communicators, and must be be utterly confident and comfortable with themselves as well as their partners, otherwise things could get ugly.

    I think that it would probably be best to broach the subject early on, and if the person is not interested, then you just move on. If that conversation makes you uncomfortable, then maybe you're not quite ready to own that lifestyle.

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    Betorq's Avatar
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    @Sambo712,

    Agreed. I have followed this thread, at 1st ready to jump & share more of my history. Then upon reconsideration, I shelved what I had written, kinda reluctant to bare such details of myself & my sexual past(though it's nothin I'm ashamed of, it's just very personal stuff, this is a public forum, my avatar foto is real).

    Polyamory is generally complicated for the "normal" modern human. Jealousy can certainly come into play. Not all polyamous or open relationships involved all 3 (or more) participants from sharing the same bed or home, although that certainly is a % of these set-ups. For me, in the past, open relationships meant I dated 2 or 3 people at the same time, was open & honest from the start w/ them all about the others in my life, the basic set up, so that before they got really emotionally involved, they each knew what the offer was. That way there was transparency, they either wanted to proceed getting to know me better, based on my being honest what was on the table. Excellent communication, fun, openess, no demands just boundaries, focussing on fun & getting one's own needs met, exploring love & communication, willing to feel some feelings that might be uncomfortable etc.

    I dated a Polyamory author/expert many years ago in NorCal, where the movement is sorta based. She has excellent books on the subjects of polyamory, jealousy etc.

    All & more can be had from Amazon.com or www.lovewithoutlimits.com:
    Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits by Dr. Deborah Anapol, 1997
    Polyamory in the 21st: Century Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners by Dr. Deborah Anapol, July 2010
    Compersion: Meditations on Using Jealousy as a Path to Unconditional Love by Dr. Deborah Anapol 2005
    An eBook offers a series of brief, inspirational thoughts on how to transcend jealousy, intended to challenge and restructure common beliefs about the nature of love and relationship.

    I am single, mostly I fly solo the past 3 years and hardly date (by choice), & I do prefer monogamy ( it's simpler), though am not bound to it philosophically. If I were with a partner that wanted monogamy or an open relationship & was honest about that in the begining, I could comfortablyagree/stick to either , with that level of clear communication up-front. I'm flexible.
    Last edited by Betorq; 08-19-2013 at 02:12 AM.
    "Science is not belief but the will to find out." ~ Anonymous
    "Culture of the mind must be subservient to the heart." ~ Gandhi
    "The flogging will continue until morale improves." ~ Unknown


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