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Thread: Has anyone been in an open relationship? page 2

  1. #11
    prufock's Avatar
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    If I wanted to sleep with multiple people, I would stay single. Been there, it ain't that great. To each their own, of course, but I honestly don't see the point if you're in a relationship with a good sex life. Special exceptions might be made for "riding the tricycle."

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by paint94979 View Post
    I don't like the idea and neither does my girlfriend . I personally don't see how you can be married and still have sex with other people in your own home?
    Non-monogamy implies not being married and thus, no shared home to have affairs in...

    If you had kids, could help raise them but in different ways, I believe.

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zanna View Post
    I'm guessing that's why she posted in Odds and Ends instead of in the Fitness thread. I personally like seeing threads like this that are outside of the norm. And to answer the question, I've never been in an open relationship but think I might be a good fit for something poly amorous. Don't know how that would work in reality though, with someone I really loved. I love hard, lol. Sharing usually doesn't enter my mind unless I'm unhappy in a relationship and I fix that by ending the unhappy relationship.
    I'm going to play amateur psychologist for a second. Loving someone is one thing, but you said you "love hard". I used to experience that when I was younger. If you fall really hard for somebody, I think that would be due to lack of love elsewhere in your life as well a lack of total lifetime experience of love.

    Someone else said on this board that people who are monogamous for their whole lives will happily stay that way, and people who are promiscuous at a young age will "flip the switch" and want to be promiscuous for the rest of their life".

    Take that in context with why monogamous people like yourself enjoy it, and it makes perfect sense to me. Monogamy leads to a lack of love in one's life, so when a bond is finally created, it's like a glass of water after 7 days in the desert. This makes the monogamous couple very happy to be together.
    Last edited by wiltondeportes; 08-19-2013 at 05:20 AM.

  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Betorq View Post
    @Sambo712,

    Agreed. I have followed this thread, at 1st ready to jump & share more of my history. Then upon reconsideration, I shelved what I had written, kinda reluctant to bare such details of myself & my sexual past(though it's nothin I'm ashamed of, it's just very personal stuff, this is a public forum, my avatar foto is real).

    Polyamory is generally complicated for the "normal" modern human. Jealousy can certainly come into play. Not all polyamous or open relationships involved all 3 (or more) participants from sharing the same bed or home, although that certainly is a % of these set-ups. For me, in the past, open relationships meant I dated 2 or 3 people at the same time, was open & honest from the start w/ them all about the others in my life, the basic set up, so that before they got really emotionally involved, they each knew what the offer was. That way there was transparency, they either wanted to proceed getting to know me better, based on my being honest what was on the table. Excellent communication, fun, openess, no demands just boundaries, focussing on fun & getting one's own needs met, exploring love & communication, willing to feel some feelings that might be uncomfortable etc.

    I dated a Polyamory author/expert many years ago in NorCal, where the movement is sorta based. She has excellent books on the subjects of polyamory, jealousy etc.

    All & more can be had from Amazon.com or www.lovewithoutlimits.com:
    Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits by Dr. Deborah Anapol, 1997
    Polyamory in the 21st: Century Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners by Dr. Deborah Anapol, July 2010
    Compersion: Meditations on Using Jealousy as a Path to Unconditional Love by Dr. Deborah Anapol 2005
    An eBook offers a series of brief, inspirational thoughts on how to transcend jealousy, intended to challenge and restructure common beliefs about the nature of love and relationship.

    I am single, mostly I fly solo the past 3 years and hardly date (by choice), & I do prefer monogamy ( it's simpler), though am not bound to it philosophically. If I were with a partner that wanted monogamy or an open relationship & was honest about that in the begining, I could comfortablyagree/stick to either , with that level of clear communication up-front. I'm flexible.
    Jealousy? How about growing the hell up and having some self confidence. It's not polyamory's fault if the people trying it out lack self esteem.

  5. #15
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    Kind of on-topic, thought this was very interesting:



    Apparently people stop having sex after 6.2 years!

    Quote Originally Posted by wiltondeportes View Post
    I'm going to play amateur psychologist for a second. Loving someone is one thing, but you said you "love hard". I used to experience that when I was younger. If you fall really hard for somebody, I think that would be due to lack of love elsewhere in your life as well a lack of total lifetime experience of love.
    That's an astute insight.

    Quote Originally Posted by prufock View Post
    If I wanted to sleep with multiple people, I would stay single. Been there, it ain't that great. To each their own, of course, but I honestly don't see the point if you're in a relationship with a good sex life. Special exceptions might be made for "riding the tricycle."
    Yeah, but what if you want to be in a relationship, but are afraid of commitment? I know that sounds really lame, but I haven't been able to overcome this fear, and I'm sick of not getting involved with people
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sambo712 View Post
    I also think that to make this work, the participants must be exceptional communicators, and must be be utterly confident and comfortable with themselves as well as their partners, otherwise things could get ugly.
    Thanks Sambo - I think that's very true. I think total transparency would be crucial to this, and also an openness to allowing the relationship to evolve into something different, if more serious feelings developed, and it looked like the relationship was worth sticking with. I just feel that commitment is forced / expected too soon, and it makes me freeze.

    Quote Originally Posted by Betorq View Post
    @Sambo712,

    Agreed. I have followed this thread, at 1st ready to jump & share more of my history. Then upon reconsideration, I shelved what I had written, kinda reluctant to bare such details of myself & my sexual past(though it's nothin I'm ashamed of, it's just very personal stuff, this is a public forum, my avatar foto is real).

    Polyamory is generally complicated for the "normal" modern human. Jealousy can certainly come into play. Not all polyamous or open relationships involved all 3 (or more) participants from sharing the same bed or home, although that certainly is a % of these set-ups. For me, in the past, open relationships meant I dated 2 or 3 people at the same time, was open & honest from the start w/ them all about the others in my life, the basic set up, so that before they got really emotionally involved, they each knew what the offer was. That way there was transparency, they either wanted to proceed getting to know me better, based on my being honest what was on the table. Excellent communication, fun, openess, no demands just boundaries, focussing on fun & getting one's own needs met, exploring love & communication, willing to feel some feelings that might be uncomfortable etc.

    I dated a Polyamory author/expert many years ago in NorCal, where the movement is sorta based. She has excellent books on the subjects of polyamory, jealousy etc.

    All & more can be had from Amazon.com or www.lovewithoutlimits.com:
    Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits by Dr. Deborah Anapol, 1997
    Polyamory in the 21st: Century Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners by Dr. Deborah Anapol, July 2010
    Compersion: Meditations on Using Jealousy as a Path to Unconditional Love by Dr. Deborah Anapol 2005
    An eBook offers a series of brief, inspirational thoughts on how to transcend jealousy, intended to challenge and restructure common beliefs about the nature of love and relationship.

    I am single, mostly I fly solo the past 3 years and hardly date (by choice), & I do prefer monogamy ( it's simpler), though am not bound to it philosophically. If I were with a partner that wanted monogamy or an open relationship & was honest about that in the begining, I could comfortablyagree/stick to either , with that level of clear communication up-front. I'm flexible.
    Thanks for sharing your experiences Betorq!
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  7. #17
    moluv's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post

    Yeah, but what if you want to be in a relationship, but are afraid of commitment? I know that sounds really lame, but I haven't been able to overcome this fear, and I'm sick of not getting involved with people
    YogaBare, it seems to me polyamory would require an even higher level of commitment due to the dedication to constant communication it requires and the delicacy of people's emotions when jealousy or exclusion feelings arise.

  8. #18
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    Currently in an open marriage. It's not quite the "rolling orgy" of my college years, but we were both in poly relationships before we met, so when we got married, it made more sense to continue than try to shoehorn ourselves into monotonogamy.
    Married for 6 years now... occasional girlfriends on both sides.
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  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by wiltondeportes View Post
    Jealousy? How about growing the hell up and having some self confidence. It's not polyamory's fault if the people trying it out lack self esteem.
    I've known some highly accomplished, intelligent, confident people, mature etc. They still experienced jealousy. Jealousy is not due to not "growing the hell up" nor simply a deficit of self-esteem or confidence.

    We're all human, emotions and emotional responses aren't always controllable, neither willpower nor intellect can consistently control the strongest emotions.

    Jealousy is an especially interesting phenomenon. That book, Compersion, is excellent imo.
    "Science is not belief but the will to find out." ~ Anonymous
    "Culture of the mind must be subservient to the heart." ~ Gandhi
    "The flogging will continue until morale improves." ~ Unknown


  10. #20
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    occasional girlfriends on both sides.
    I'd think that it would be easier to have an open relationship with someone bisexual as it seems like it would yield less jealousy. I mean, if a woman wants a woman on occasion, the guy isn't going to cut it and probably isn't going to feel inferior.

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