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Thread: Have you ever been "the other woman / man"? page

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    YogaBare's Avatar
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    Have you ever been "the other woman / man"?

    Primal Fuel
    Got a psychoanalytical question for y'all

    People repeat patterns in life, and particularly in relationships. Well, does anyone here (either through direct experience, or through observation) understand why some people often end up being the person on the side? For some reason, I've found myself in this situation a few times. I've never actually "done" anything, but from my mid-twenties I've been the recipient of non-single men wanting to get involved with me. It just happened again in the last few weeks - I started going on dates with this guy, and suddenly he announced that he had a girlfriend, but that he had feelings for me Obviously I told him we couldn't see each other any more, but he keeps contacting me.

    When I was a kid my dad used to have affairs and I wonder if somehow this infiltrated my psyche. Or does it stem from a subconscious fear of commitment?

    Or, is this a lot more common than I realise, and people just don't talk about it?!
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

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    MEversbergII's Avatar
    MEversbergII is online now Senior Member
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    It's pretty common. Lots of people are of the disposition to have more open relationships, or multiple relationships at once. It's a personality trait.

    M.

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    diene's Avatar
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    I also think that it's pretty common. I think I have that personality trait that ME mentioned above. I was especially unscrupulous in my younger days. And, you know what, the men I cheated with often ended up becoming my boyfriends, who, in turn, would be cheated on again as I found another guy on the side. So the same guy would end up playing both roles, just at different times.

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    YogaBare's Avatar
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    I think I must be pretty naive. It's not that I'm against open relationships - quite the contrary. But I can't really understand why someone would be in a relationship with someone they wanted to cheat on...

    Quote Originally Posted by diene View Post
    I also think that it's pretty common. I think I have that personality trait that ME mentioned above. I was especially unscrupulous in my younger days. And, you know what, the men I cheated with often ended up becoming my boyfriends, who, in turn, would be cheated on again as I found another guy on the side. So the same guy would end up playing both roles, just at different times.
    LOl. Wildchild!
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

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    A guy that I know cheated with four girlfriends at the same time and none of the woman did know about each other. Everything went pretty well until he crashed his car and went to hospital and the four woman and their families came to visit him at the same time... All hell broke loose, and the nurses had to barricade the doors to save him from far more damage than he got from the car crash! When he tells the story about what happened, he says that he lost four women by that car crash…
    "When a person is poor in knowledge then he is rich in ignorance and stubbornness, carefully heeding around the little that he knows ..."
    - Gorbag

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    diene's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gorbag View Post
    A guy that I know cheated with four girlfriends at the same time and none of the woman did know about each other. Everything went pretty well until he crashed his car and went to hospital and the four woman and their families came to visit him at the same time... All hell broke loose, and the nurses had to barricade the doors to save him from far more damage than he got from the car crash! When he tells the story about what happened, he says that he lost four women by that car crash…
    Lol! That's hilarious! Not sure how he had enough time to juggle four women.

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    spk's Avatar
    spk
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    Maybe single people who want to meet and date, exude an openness that people who are attached, (but wishing to be sowing their oats) find attractive. Maybe in your interest to find a datable person, you miss some of the cues that they are attached and have a wandering eye that's landed on you. Do you think you dismiss these cues as just cautiousness on their part or shyness?

    And I do think it's fairly common; probably many don't talk about it because we fear someone will ask "what did you do to bring that attention on yourself"? Which is often absurd.
    Last edited by spk; 08-15-2013 at 12:44 PM.

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    No one is going to mention any kind of alpha-female status-dominance conquest mindset genetic predisposition? Woman is a wicked and shameless sorceress under her dress, right?
    "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

    Jack london, "Before Adam"

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    Do you go after what you want or do you you wait around for someone who wants you? I think a lot of women do this. I won't get into whether this is nature or nuture -- I think it's a bit of both.

    So besides asking yourself if your committment-phobic, I think you should ask yourself if you'd be comfortable being the pursuer rather thant the pursued.

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    Quote Originally Posted by spk View Post
    Maybe single people who want to meet and date, exude an openness that people who are attached, (but wishing to be sowing their oats) find attractive. Maybe in your interest to find a datable person, you miss some of the cues that they are attached and have a wandering eye that's landed on you. Do you think you dismiss these cues as just cautiousness on their part or shyness?

    And I do think it's fairly common; probably many don't talk about it because we fear someone will ask "what did you do to bring that attention on yourself"? Which is often absurd.
    I hear what you're saying, but I'm not sure I'm that open. And it happened a few times even when I was in relationships. One time it was my dad's friend who was hitting on me So yeah, definitely knew he was attached!

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr.Perfidy View Post
    No one is going to mention any kind of alpha-female status-dominance conquest mindset genetic predisposition? Woman is a wicked and shameless sorceress under her dress, right?
    LOL - honestly, that's definitely not me. I hate the thought of dominating someone - I want equality.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rojo View Post
    Do you go after what you want or do you you wait around for someone who wants you? I think a lot of women do this. I won't get into whether this is nature or nuture -- I think it's a bit of both.

    So besides asking yourself if your committment-phobic, I think you should ask yourself if you'd be comfortable being the pursuer rather thant the pursued.
    Actually, doing some pursuing doesn't bother me. I think of it as communicating. If I like someone I don't like to play games. Plus men I've dated have told me before that I really unnerved them initially, so I know I need to make an effort to show them I'm interested.
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

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