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Thread: Have you ever been "the other woman / man"? page 5

  1. #41
    YogaBare's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Belforte View Post
    'pretentious twat'.

    What is your opinion of your mum compared to your dad's bit on the side? Have you made a decision (conscious or not) not to make the same mistakes as your mum, which means you are the other one. Just a thought. Most women at various stages actively reject their mother.
    Lol - these poor pretentious twats... Like moths to a flame

    Umm, actually that's exactly it. I decided I wasn't going to be anything like my mother early on. I didn't respect her, and I hated the life that she made for herself. She married the wrong man, who gave her no support, and got trapped in a country she hated, straddled with two kids, and completely alienated. My dad on the other hand appeared long-suffering, but took off whenever he needed to, so I pitied him and envied his freedom, even though it meant he was was neglectful at times.

    I don't know, it sounds silly, but I feel like I'm fighting with myself over expectations of what I want, and who I should be in a relationship, and as a result I close off completely.
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  2. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    Got a psychoanalytical question for y'all

    People repeat patterns in life, and particularly in relationships. Well, does anyone here (either through direct experience, or through observation) understand why some people often end up being the person on the side? For some reason, I've found myself in this situation a few times. I've never actually "done" anything, but from my mid-twenties I've been the recipient of non-single men wanting to get involved with me. It just happened again in the last few weeks - I started going on dates with this guy, and suddenly he announced that he had a girlfriend, but that he had feelings for me Obviously I told him we couldn't see each other any more, but he keeps contacting me.

    When I was a kid my dad used to have affairs and I wonder if somehow this infiltrated my psyche. Or does it stem from a subconscious fear of commitment?

    Or, is this a lot more common than I realize, and people just don't talk about it?!
    much of who we are is shaped by who we are around. so yes.

    many people find they are not biologically related to one of their parents during dna testing. so yes

    first comes awareness, of yourself and your motivations.
    then comes perception, of the other person and their motivations

    the first people avoid with a passion
    the second people avoid by rushing in where angels fear to tread.

    we obtain the quality of life we seek.

    If you find this to be your reality and prefer something else then take the time to truly explore the past and note the signs that tell you the person is unavailible, our brains process 1 billions bytes of data per second, and we filter it to 128k or so... You know what you are doing, you just tend to ignore it.
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  3. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    That's really interesting... Do you know what her family background is? Were her parents happy together? Was her upbringing neglectful?
    That is what I actually find very fascinating. Her parents are happily married. They are both incredibly naive people, I must say, but they are really cute together and as far as anyone can tell are happier than the average couple. She is an only child and her mother is an only child. I don't know if that factors into things or not, but her mom is VERY needy of both her and her dad. Her mom is very nice, but pretty smothering on my friend.

    I really don't totally get why my friend dates the people that she does. She talks all the time about wanting to be married and have/adopt kids, but then dates men with whom that will never happen in a way that is up to her standards. A lot of the guys she dates, it turns out, are having kids with other women (as in the woman is currently pregnant), are engaged, married, etc. She says she wants monogamy and these men clearly don't. The other thing she does that really puzzles me is that she never lets anyone go completely. She is 100% determined to stay in touch with every person she has dated, even if they have told her that they can't handle being around her as just a friend. So then she has these friendships where (I'm pretty sure) they "accidentally" end up either making out or in bed on occasion. Personally, I cut my exes loose after things go south. I could be friends with pretty much all of them now that time has passed, but I guess I just don't care to. So, I don't understand that behavior at all and she's never explained it to me in a way that makes any sense.

    At the end of the day I know that she is very slow to open up with the men she dates. She has had some really great guys give up on her because she acted so aloof when she was with them (even though I knew from what she'd tell me that she really liked them or even loved them). I know there are issues with her parents to some degree; I think they may be a tad racist and in a quest to prove that she definitely isn't she will only date black men, for example. No white guy has ever had a chance with her. There's probably just a lot of different factors at play that all lead her to preferring unavailable men. Hopefully, she will resolve some of her issues so she can do whatever it is that will really make her happy because I don't think she is currently.

  4. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    Lol - these poor pretentious twats... Like moths to a flame

    Umm, actually that's exactly it. I decided I wasn't going to be anything like my mother early on. I didn't respect her, and I hated the life that she made for herself. She married the wrong man, who gave her no support, and got trapped in a country she hated, straddled with two kids, and completely alienated. My dad on the other hand appeared long-suffering, but took off whenever he needed to, so I pitied him and envied his freedom, even though it meant he was was neglectful at times.

    I don't know, it sounds silly, but I feel like I'm fighting with myself over expectations of what I want, and who I should be in a relationship, and as a result I close off completely.
    Quote Originally Posted by nikitakolata View Post
    That is what I actually find very fascinating. Her parents are happily married. They are both incredibly naive people, I must say, but they are really cute together and as far as anyone can tell are happier than the average couple. She is an only child and her mother is an only child. I don't know if that factors into things or not, but her mom is VERY needy of both her and her dad. Her mom is very nice, but pretty smothering on my friend.

    I really don't totally get why my friend dates the people that she does. She talks all the time about wanting to be married and have/adopt kids, but then dates men with whom that will never happen in a way that is up to her standards. A lot of the guys she dates, it turns out, are having kids with other women (as in the woman is currently pregnant), are engaged, married, etc. She says she wants monogamy and these men clearly don't. The other thing she does that really puzzles me is that she never lets anyone go completely. She is 100% determined to stay in touch with every person she has dated, even if they have told her that they can't handle being around her as just a friend. So then she has these friendships where (I'm pretty sure) they "accidentally" end up either making out or in bed on occasion. Personally, I cut my exes loose after things go south. I could be friends with pretty much all of them now that time has passed, but I guess I just don't care to. So, I don't understand that behavior at all and she's never explained it to me in a way that makes any sense.

    At the end of the day I know that she is very slow to open up with the men she dates. She has had some really great guys give up on her because she acted so aloof when she was with them (even though I knew from what she'd tell me that she really liked them or even loved them). I know there are issues with her parents to some degree; I think they may be a tad racist and in a quest to prove that she definitely isn't she will only date black men, for example. No white guy has ever had a chance with her. There's probably just a lot of different factors at play that all lead her to preferring unavailable men. Hopefully, she will resolve some of her issues so she can do whatever it is that will really make her happy because I don't think she is currently.
    I hadn't read the whole thread when I replied above... now that I have, I definitely see some commonalities among you and my friend. She doesn't want to be as naive as her parents, that's one thing. She also thinks they are racists and definitely never wants to be thought of that way either. She loves her mom but doesn't want to be like her. That is definitely something you have in common.

    I also don't think she really knows what she wants and I don't think she trusts her own judgement for some reason. I know she wants to find out as much as she can about a guy before she lets him in; it's a self protection thing. The only problem is that it doesn't really work because she ends up having feelings for them anyway, she just doesn't communicate those feelings to the guy.

    Anyway, I find this stuff very interesting, if you couldn't tell.

  5. #45
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    Where was your mum from? What are your fears about being somewhere you don't like?

    As much as we like to think that we all have opportunities, it is a little difficult if you have two children in a foreign country to change up your life. She probably thought she was making the best decision.

    Give yourself the opportunity to be in a monogamous relationship if that is what you want, don't avoid it because it did not work out for your parents, they are 2 different people.
    Life. Be in it.

  6. #46
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    Guys (and gals). Have all the sex. Do the things.

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  7. #47
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    Isn't dating single women drama enough for you people? Why would I want to date one that's attached?

  8. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ripped View Post

    First of all, the idea of monogamy and how relationships are supposed to be is just something that was made up by human beings. It isn't natural and it isn't being honest about who we are and how we were meant to be.
    I agree.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ripped View Post
    As I understand it, males are naturally inclined to want to have as many females as possible, and if they can they will. Additionally, if they only have one female, eventually they get repulsed by here, bored, and uninterested. I have seen at least one study that supports this and it is easy to observe in real life.


    Now if you can wrap your head around it understand it all, it points out a catch 22 situation on both sides of the relationship. The girl wants to keep the most attractive man, but often she can't. So that's sad on her part. The guy on the other hand might really like a girl and intend on sticking with her, but his natural traits will eventually drive him to lose interest. And if he's actually got a heart, he's not going to like what happens in the end either, because he's going to feel bad about breaking the girls heart. It sucks!
    I must be a man trapped in the body of a woman.

    Either that or it's hereditary. My dad always cheated on my mom too. I remember my mom telling me at one point that my dad was in love with the feeling of being in love. At the time I was too young to really understand, but it stuck in my head for some reason. Now, I understand it completely cuz I'm like that too. That initial feeling of falling in love, that high--that high is better than any high that can be induced by any substance known to man. And I like to chase that high. The desire to chase it was especially strong when I was younger. I'm still into it now but just not as much, I guess. When I was younger, I also fell in love very easily. So I'd honestly believe that I'm in love with one guy one day, but the next day I'd meet someone else and fall in love with him.

  9. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr.Perfidy View Post
    No one is going to mention any kind of alpha-female status-dominance conquest mindset genetic predisposition? Woman is a wicked and shameless sorceress under her dress, right?
    no takers? Yoga bare?
    "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

    Jack london, "Before Adam"

  10. #50
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    I know that when I am in a mixed group, even if there is a mate waiting at home for me, the sight of eye contact between men and women, the look on men's faces when they are making progress with a lady- all of it enrages me and makes me feel slighted, and I have to enter the game and assert my own mate value. There must be women with the same issues or whatever. Like, "Well they only think that they are in a happy couple...gimme a shot at that shit."
    "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

    Jack london, "Before Adam"

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