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Thread: Yes, I'm really asking for relationship advice on MDA... page 4

  1. #31
    mattconway's Avatar
    mattconway is offline Junior Member
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    The bottom line is his behavior is a turn-off. Being needy and insecure are not attractive traits in either sex, but particularly for men. Women want a confident man who doesn't *need* her to be happy or successful - He *wants* her in his life. Big difference.

    All women know this subconsciously - they may not be able to articulate it in words, but they know it. I think if you were to be honest with yourself, you already know the answer to your question.

    Best of luck, PrimalStudent.

  2. #32
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    I am excited to hear about HOW you break up with him, and his reaction. LOL

    Poor guy didn't get one supporter on here! hahah

    Have you ever asked him for his passwords?
    "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

    Jack london, "Before Adam"

  3. #33
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    RichMahogany is online now Senior Member
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    I agree with the concensus here. Dude may not turn out to be a bad guy in the long run, but at the moment, he's a class 5 clinger, and nobody needs that at 21.

  4. #34
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    I would agree w/ everyone's assessment that you should break from this relationship for all the same reasons, most notably that he asked for passwords. But I suspect you'll ignore all these red-flags everyone is pointing to, even though you mentioned all of these as complaints/concerns of your own.

    Why will you ignore it? Because as you said, you feel bad and think he's sweet. I know that mindset. It sucks.

    Ask yourself, would you want someone to stay w/ you because they felt bad for you? Because they thought you were sweet 20% of the time but the rest of the time thought you were a bottomless pit? What if you heard them describe you that way to other people?

    At your age, it's a great opportunity to say "let's not be a couple and allow ourselves to grow on our own for awhile". Because you would be surprised how different a person you will be at 29. You may have your same goals and morals but you will be DIFFERENT. Let that part of you develop instead of you deciding to take on a partner you think of as a "fixer upper project".

  5. #35
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    I also agree with everyone else. I was in a relationship that sounds exactly like yours when I was 21. Breaking up with him was one of the hardest things I ever did up to that point but I am very glad that I did. I can't imagine how miserable I would be right now if I had stayed with him.

    Both the passwords and the jealously when you are hanging out with others are huge red flags to me.

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  6. #36
    Nion's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PrimalStudent View Post
    ...but it's only because this community is full of such intelligent individuals with lots of life experience.

    I'm 21 years old and have been dating my boyfriend (relatively long distance) for a year and a half. He is, in my opinion, incredibly needy. He calls three or more times per day, for 30-60 minutes each time. He makes sarcastic comments any time I tell him I'm hanging out with other people. He wants my facebook/email password, although he assures me that it's not because he doesn't trust me. He doesn't have a great relationship with his family, so he depends on me for a lot of his emotional support. He visits every single weekend, and gets upset if I say I need a weekend off -- he says that most couples get to be together every day, so he should at least get the weekend.

    Despite all this... he's also very sweet. He tells me all the time that I mean a lot to him, and that he'd marry me tomorrow if I let him. He buys me anything I ask for (although I feel uncomfortable with lavish gifts and don't ask for much). He cares for me when I'm sick and worries about me any time I don't answer the phone.

    We met through a mutual friend, but come from very different backgrounds. My family happens to be more wealthy than his. I also happen to be a better student, go to a better school, and have a better job lined up for after graduation. He hasn't made a great impression on my parents -- he's a bit shy around them. They think that he's needy, and that he's looking to me to complete him, because he doesn't have much going on in his own life (his parents are quite absent, he's struggling to find a job after graduation, etc). They believe it's not healthy, and that the relationship is too suffocating.

    I don't disagree with them. But every time I think about dumping him, I think that A) I must be crazy to break up with someone who loves me so much, and B) my parents are being snobs and expecting the person I date to be 100% perfect. I also feel incredibly guilty abandoning somebody just because they're down on their luck at the moment -- and I wonder whether things might improve in a year or two, when we live alone together.

    I guess I'm looking for some objective evaluations of the situation. Do his behaviors seem like red flags of an unstable person, or is it just a sign that he loves and is committed to me?


    1) What everyone else thinks doesn't matter in the long run. It's your emotion, mental and physical health that matters first.
    2) Controlling behaviour is a giant red flag. It's a slippery slope. Him not being able to deal with a dissenting opinion is an even bigger red flag. It may seem sweet now, but it's not when he's just smacked you sideways into a wall, screaming that 'you made him do it'. What he's doing now is classic grooming behaviour - I can speak from experience.

    You think he loves you - he probably does, but not in a healthy way. He has an image of you in his head that he wants, and if you don't fit it, he'll freak out and try to crush you into that mold he wants.

    tl;dr: Honey, run like hell.
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  7. #37
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    You should pick a forum alpha male, and pretend that they are your new boyfriend for when you confront him. lol I vote gorbag
    "Ah, those endless forests, and their horror-haunted gloom! For what eternities have I wandered through them, a timid, hunted creature, starting at the least sound, frightened of my own shadow, keyed-up, ever alert and vigilant, ready on the instant to dash away in mad flight for my life. For I was the prey of all manner of fierce life that dwelt in the forest, and it was in ecstasies of fear that I fled before the hunting monsters."

    Jack london, "Before Adam"

  8. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr.Perfidy View Post
    You should pick a forum alpha male, and pretend that they are your new boyfriend for when you confront him. lol I vote gorbag
    Lol..perfect

    Sent from my SGH-T989 using Tapatalk 2

  9. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr.Perfidy View Post
    You should pick a forum alpha male, and pretend that they are your new boyfriend for when you confront him. lol I vote gorbag
    I'd pick me. All the alpha-maleness, but closer in proximity and none of the trolling. Also, younger and I assume better-looking.

  10. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by mattconway View Post
    The bottom line is his behavior is a turn-off. Being needy and insecure are not attractive traits in either sex, but particularly for men. Women want a confident man who doesn't *need* her to be happy or successful - He *wants* her in his life. Big difference.
    Yeah, guy's being a chode. Or very much in love which must suck for him.

    Plus, you never, EVER want to go through a 21 year old's laptop/Facebook page. There's every rowdy's ex boyfriend's email on there, various thirsty male beta orbiters instinctively liking every inanity she's ever posted on FB and dickpics from interested, ah, suitors

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