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Thread: Yes, I'm really asking for relationship advice on MDA... page 3

  1. #21
    namelesswonder's Avatar
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    Yeap. To your A & B:

    A: But how do YOU feel about HIM? You can't make a relationship work when one-sided. If he isn't a good fit for you, that's it.
    B: While your parents may have valid points, remember that this is your relationship and not theirs.
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  2. #22
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    To add to everything already posted....

    Think about being married to him now and looking forward to the rest of your life with this behavior? (and assume it will escalate )
    That should give you a good indication of how you really feel... (personally it would send me screaming for the hills)
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  3. #23
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  4. #24
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    I say out. Hubby and I did a three-year long-distance dating relationship (him on the east coast of the US, me in Germany) culminating in marriage, and it never looked like this. I am a child of poverty, so I really get his shyness around your parents because that is what I was like with my much-wealthier, much-better-educated in-laws until time and some loving family stories from my MIL corrected all of my faulty attitudes caused by growing up dysfunctional and poor. But your guy has deeper issues.

    I believe you when you say he is sweet - I find most people are. But that is not the issue here. Control in that degree is therapy-necessary, and I would not have you put yourself in that position so young in your life. I married at 26, after a few years of being out on my own, which I think is almost-necessary today regardless of how two people plan to structure a life together. You will be much more wise and mature. Your willingness to see the positive sides of him speaks to your huge heart, but you do need to protect that heart and yourself - you gotta trust us on that one. The better-balanced guy that is in your future will show you what a healthy relationship should be like.

    If you do decide to stick with him, though, I agree with previous posters wholeheartedly - therapy for BOTH of you, no excuses, and if he won't go, then RUN!! I don't have the space enough here to tell you the stories of how I know this to be truth.
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  5. #25
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    I can tell you from experience of being 21 and being in a great relationship, that there is always room to grow. I was that guy at 21(and she was also that type of girl to Quelsons point) and we ended up agreeing to split up. I grew up exponentially from that experience and a few following where i learned to let go. We found eachother 7 years later and we had a great relationship for a year. unfortunately her old behaviors came back and her actions created old feelings for me and we split up last christmas time.
    What you dont understand yet is that every experience can either 1)be a learning experience or 2) make you even more exaggerated version of the person you already are. In my ex's case, she grew up for 7 years and became pretty great and slowly reverted into old behavior.
    I cant speak for you but i know from my perspective of being in those shoes, he's not ready for it. I am "clingy" for lack of a better term meaning i love to be around the person I chose to date... in the end, if you cant spend every day with that person when you are dating because you need space etc, you probably cant marry him, sleep next to him, come home to him.
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  6. #26
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    in the end, if you cant spend every day with that person when you are dating because you need space etc, you probably cant marry him, sleep next to him, come home to him.
    I think there is a difference between wanting to spend time with someone you love, and being threatened when they spend time with others. Most healthy couples spend time apart with their friends at some point. Now, you might miss the person or want to be with them, but you should not be making "comments".

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  7. #27
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    If you have the slightest doubt, end it.

    I had doubts about my first husband before we got married. I should have listened to them. He turned out to be a thousand times worse than my doubts. (My mom also had doubts but didn't tell me until he turned out to be a rat.)

    I never had a single doubt about my second husband, and we've been happily married for over 25 years.

    Listen to your instincts.

  8. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knifegill View Post
    Not needy. Clingy control freak. If he can't trust you, then you can't trust him.
    BINGO. And usually, it's because he's doing something that he feels guilty about, and is projecting his own guilt onto you. I've played that game (or rather, been played BY that game) a few too many times to let it stand...
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  9. #29
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    Honestly, it does seem like both of you are suffering from signs of neediness and lack of good boundaries. On the one hand, you have him wanting to control and monitor your actions, as well as take up a substantial amount of your time from a distance. As well as he doesn't feel like he measures up (a marked sign of low self confidence). On the other hand, it seems like you are trying to rationalize his behavior for him, instead of seeing the warning signs. But, when there are emotions involved, they can muddle the waters, making it very hard to see things for what they are.

    The best write up of these issues that I have run across is the article at What is needy

  10. #30
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    Anytime you ask for relationship advice online everybody tells you to dump him. However, in this case, I agree. Run. And don't use facebook at all for a while.

    Years ago I was with someone who was like a black hole in the room expecting me to fill it all up. I had to change my phone number and absolutely never respond to any contact. I was stalked for a little while, which was scary and creepy, but then it stopped and I slowly crawled out of my old life into a new one, thanks to various 12-step programs for people who attract alkies and druggies and other types with black holes where a soul ought to be.
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