Avert your eyes, I'm about to have a meltdown.
I'm exhausted from 2 days of travel, meetings, stress and demands. From work, kids, home, and a charity I'm a part of. I'm so fucking over the whole fucking lot of them!! I want to be at home, preferably still in bed. But the house is full of builders dust and crap - and it's our own mess. The dining room and hall are the last 2 rooms to finish, so all the dining furniture (which includes a lounge suite, computer desk, TV stuff and china cabinet) is all over the house. So being at home isn't restful. It's a long weekend coming up, and it's not looking like we'll have time to get it finished. And the garden is overgrown. And the kids keep needing money - for health reasons, mostly, so it's not like we can refuse. And the charity is very badly organised at the top with a dictatorship in operation and the other members being fucking cowards about speaking up. I talked at great length to two people yesterday, one of whom has completely backed down from any commitment she had, and one who was 1) patronising in the extreme (and I'm not taking that crap from a young man who thinks he knows better than me) and 2) almost incoherent. And he wants the director's job!!! If he really deserves it, he'd better start showing some fucking leadership right fucking now. And work is relentless. And I've walked in this morning to discover that someone (I know who) has used my office while I was away - she's used permanent marker on the whiteboard, made a huge mess when it didn't come off, and left the filthy duster thing on my desk.
And, of course, all this has my adrenals in overdrive. Someone walks in the door or drops something and my body goes into full flight or fight mode with jolts of electricity down all my limbs, elevated heart rate, fast breathing etc. It feels awful. And because it keeps happening, I'm craving carbs. And I've only lost 100g in the last 2 days, which just puts the fucking cherry on the fucking cake. Which I can't eat.
I tried meditating last night, and it helped me get to sleep - but I woke up multiple times with a full stress response. Now I'm at my desk. I'm hoping that having the rant will help me to let some of this go. Now I'm going to go and get some cleaning stuff to try and sort out the whiteboard - which is right in front of me so I'm seeing it every moment. One step at a time I guess.