"Child Protective Services, how can I help you?"
"Yes, I'd like to report that a baby I've never seen is allegedly not following The Primal Blueprint by Mark Sisson."
"Oh, thank God you called when you did!"
"No, I'm being sarcastic. What the fuck is The Primal Blueprint?"
"Nice language. It's a set of ten laws that Grok followed to ensure optimal gene expression."
"Who's Grok? Is that the baby's father?"
"No, Grok was a caveman who lived 10,000 years ago. Am I speaking to an idiot?"
"My bad. So how has the baby angered Grok?"
"The baby is violating primal law #1: eat lots of plants and animals. She's on a vegan diet."
"Oh, that's so healthy. It really helps to keep your saturated fat and cholesterol down."
"No, that's just conventional wisdom. You can actually eat unlimited saturated fat once you're a fat burning beast. And you don't have to worry about cholesterol - it just doesn't matter. It's the refined carbs and rancid seed oils you have to watch out for."
"Oh yeah, my sister's doing the low carb thing. She tries to stay under 50 grams a day."
"No, the carb curve is a myth! Mark was wrong about the carb curve and the insulin theory of obesity, but obviously he's right about everything else!"
"Who's Mark? Is he the baby's father?"
"I hope not!"
"Anyway, you're concerned because the baby's on a vegan diet?"
"Yeah, they didn't even let her have birthday cake."
"You think she needs birthday cake?"
"It can be part of her 20 percent. Look, a healthy diet consists of meat, eggs, fruits, vegetables, and birthday cake. I don't see what's so hard to understand."
"So why are you concerned about the baby?"
"She just turned 1, and she only weighs 15 pounds."
"That's on the low end of normal, but still normal. Is she being breastfed?"
"Yeah, but she looks very skinny."
"But you've never seen her."
"No, it's my friend's granddaughter, and she lives 500 miles away from the baby. Anyway, people on Mark's forum said that I had to report this."
"I don't see what the problem is. Did the baby's doctor say anything?"
"They've never taken her to a doctor."
"Now that's a problem. Babies need regular doctor visits. If they won't take her, we might have to intervene. But you really don't want that if it can be avoided. Talk to your friend, have her talk to the parents and make sure the baby sees a doctor. If they refuse, then call us back. Child Protective Services is a last resort."
"OK, I guess that makes sense. Now I know."
"And knowing is half the battle!"
"Don't go in there, General, it's a trap! That's a grain chamber. It makes people like you into people like me."