Hi Folks,

Sorry, this is a bit long :-(

As the title says, I’m getting Primal all tangled up with all the cock-eyed diet stuff I’ve done all my life and I’m getting upset and confused

Brief history – I’m 46yrs old next Sunday, I was a slightly chubby child who ended up thinking she was ‘a fatty’ and started cal counting aged 14 (trying to diet away my big boobs that got me teased at school). Later I added ‘low fat’ to the Cal counting, and then exercise. Sometimes it worked for while but never very long. Largest size was 12st 12 (180lbs) and lowest was 9st 7 (133lbs).

I starved then binged and my eating was often comfort eating to relieve stress, loneliness, pain, unhappiness and emotional abuse. I felt great when a diet was working but crashed terribly when I ‘cheated’ and ‘failed’ and spend a lot of my time in self loathing and misery, feeling ugly and outcast, avoiding photos like the plague, and steadily getting older and feeling my life and health slipping away.

My lowest was 3 yrs ago when I was at my heaviest and most miserable but managed to find the courage to leave the emotionally abusive Ex and start again. The first thing I did was vow to sort out my weight as all my confidence was linked to this, so spent 2 months on the Cambridge diet (VLC, low carb, meal replacement diet) and this was the first ever diet that really worked. The weight fell off, I had more energy, my reflux went, but my insomnia was worse, my hair was falling out, and physically I was weak. I didn’t care though, I went down to 10st 4 (144lbs) in 2 months and looked and felt great. I became totally hooked though on what the weighing scales said every day, and whether or not I was in Ketosis.
Of course, I couldn’t keep it up and the weight crept back on over the next 2 yrs and now I am 11st 12 (166lbs) and back to loathing my self for the way I look and feel, and for failing again.

About 3 weeks ago I found the New Atkins book which seemed to be much healthier than when I tried years ago so started on that. I go into ketosis quickly, in just 2 days, and lost a couple of lbs, then met up with my brother who has been Primal for 2 months, lost 20lbs and looks great. He told me to lok up MDA which I did, and suddenly everything seemed to make sense. I loved the whole life change approach, loved the science (because I have an enquiring mind and like to know ‘why’), and loved the simple idea of not poisoning our bodies.
I started Primal 2 weeks ago and felt better straight away. This way of eating is easy for me, I didn’t miss the grains etc (as long as I can keep my dairy which I tolerate well !), the reflux went, I had more energy and, amazingly, my insomnia improved. Because I had come from Atkins and low carb there was no dramatic weight loss (3 lbs in a week) but I did see a shape change so kept reminding myself this was a long, healthy journey etc and I managed to convince myself, but now it has all gone wrong in my head.

I work as a baby nanny in short contracts and my current client is naturally skinny and doesn’t look like she has ever had a baby so I feel fat beside her. Also, we have just been to St Tropez for 5 days and met up with her friends (all skinny, well groomed, and 15 yrs younger than me). I know I shouldn’t compare myself to them but I couldn’t help it especially as I was wearing my ‘fatty’ swimsuit and they were all in bikinis, I felt awful, 10 times bigger than I really was, ashamed of myself, hating myself, imagining they were laughing about my size (actually they were all really lovely people who never said anything bad to to me at all).
I managed to stick to Primal for the first 2 and last day but for 2 days went mad on croissant, biscuits and sugar in a sort of self destructive slef punishment.
I got back yesterday in a confused panic. I put back on the 3 lbs I had lost and also struggling with the slower, healthier long term weight loss idea. I hate myself so much and am back to wanting the weight gone NOW, and wanting to see the scales go down and my clothes getting looser NOW !

My mind is like a pinball machine dashing from diet to diet, maybe I should try Atkins again ?, or Dukan (maybe low fat is quicker) ? , or VLC meal replacement diet ?, or maybe try primal but low fat ???

I have the Primal blueprint book and this site, and really want to make it work but am now confused about how much fat I should eat ? Is it a bad thing to keep an eye on my calories ? How can I get the quickest weight loss which I need for my emotionally fragile state of mind ? If I do it properly will it really work ? I always have the feeling that there is something wrong with me and that things work for other people but won’t work for me.
Because I work in other peoples homes and work 24 hrs 6 days a week with only 1 to 2 hrs off a day my ability to exercise is sometimes limited though I can usually manage an hrs walk a day or a 2 min steady run, but have no access to Play and haven’t started the push ups, planks etc. (tiredness and laziness plus the unpredictable nature of newborn babies ! and their families !).

I probably sound a mess but I just wondered if anyone has any suggestions as to how to get a healthier mindset (let go of all the old crap) and how to lose some weight quickly to keep me motivated so I don’t give up and ‘fail’ again. I am always alone and all my confidence is linked to my weight/size and I am trying to really sort out my life once and for all and need to be confident and strong. Any ideas ???

Thanks for listening, xxx