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  1. #51
    Dragonfly's Avatar
    Dragonfly is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by zoebird View Post
    I would say that you need to recognize that men are human beings.

    The problem that my husband is seeing is not just that people seem hung-up about showing interest, but beyond that, a lot of people create some weird-ass fantasy world and relate to that rather than relating to the actual, real person in front of you.

    Right now, there's a circle of gals (all around age 40) who are reading Deida and going on and on about "goddess work" and some bullshit about looking for their "Fisher King!" and whatever else. And DH is all like "yes, that's true, but it comes after. it comes from intimacy, once you can start working at the mythological."

    He says the problem that he often sees is that these women, in particular, are looking at the guy and going "Is he a fisher king?" and then change the narrative. Rather than taking in the *actual* information that the guy is giving and discerning whether or not there is enough commonality to move forward.

    Beyond this, another problem that he sees women run into (and some men) is just getting silly. That is, values that are important -- world view, perspectives, common goals and interests, etc -- are completely ignored while women fret over things like what kinds of shoes he wears or whether or not he eats bread (or doesn't eat bread) -- things that will change over time, more so than core values that guide a person's overall personal direction.

    Dh says that the biggest thing that he runs into -- in particular with these women -- is they want to be rescued. They want to not have to take care of themselves; they want a husband who will afford them a certain lifestyle. They foist this onto a person before they even know him, and often purposefully pick people whom they know can't provide, and then end up getting frustrated when these men don't provide (in the early days of dating no less -- when there is no agreement to provide).

    Anyway, the basic thing is that there's too much rushing and not enough *reality*.

    Just be open to people. Get to know them. Start that by starting conversations, then asking a person out. Focus on getting to know them more, before jumping into the sack or creating a narrative around who they are (in fact, don't create any narratives around who they are).

    Just be yourself, be honest, and be open.
    +1

  2. #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by diene View Post
    Hehe, now imagine that you're a libertarian dating regular people.
    Try being a Commie. "You say you want to abolish private property? My, my, is that the time?".

  3. #53
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    Some excellent advice...I have no problem dating someone who loves spaghetti, pizza, and beer, but the fact is that to most people, someone (especially a woman) who eats copious amounts of red meat and butter, but won't touch pasta, sugary coffees, etc., is seen as a little weird. Partly it's just my projecting my fear of being seen as strange (which obviously I am and probably shouldn't be ashamed of) and partly it's the result of having met a few people who thought my way of eating was a sign of some kind of eating disorder or just my being fussy and high-maintenance. Especially at the beginning of a relationship, people tend to bond over food, so if you're constantly going "sorry, I can't eat that!", you can end up alienating people who have no dietary restrictions, even if you try to plan non food-centric activities.

    Joining some kind of specific athletics class is a good idea. I tend to do my own thing at the gym. Crossfit would be a great idea, but unfortunately I've had a bunch of hip surgeries so I need a somewhat modified and limited exercise routine. CF might be a little too intense! Same with martial arts, unfortunately. I'm sure I could think of something if I look at what's being offered around town, though. Thinking about this made me realize just how rarely I come into contact with single guys "in the wild", as it were. My main hobby is horseback riding, so I spend lots of my free time at the stable, but I know of very few men that ride. My workplace has a small and mostly female staff, as does the organization where I volunteer, my graduate program in counseling is nearly all women (I was dating the token male in our program until he left and moved across the country, haha), the writer's group I go to is all women/partnered guys, and most of my female friends are married/in LTRs and don't have lots of single male friends floating around. I guess I need to expand my social circle. It's funny that I never really thought about all the things I'm NOT doing to facilitate meeting someone compatible with me.

    To the poster who was talking about needing to date libertarians, I totally hear you. The area where I live is very hippie-liberal, socialist, Obama supporting (oddly enough, two of the people I've gone on first dates with recently actually worked on the Obama campaign! A second date was not scheduled). Although I'm not extremely political, I identify/vote as libertarian and tend to find uber-liberal types as or more irritating than their ultra-conservative counterparts.
    Last edited by november; 06-28-2013 at 04:25 PM.

  4. #54
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    "Partly it's just my projecting my fear of being seen as strange (which obviously I am and probably shouldn't be ashamed of)"

    I realized that I was crazy a long time ago. Ever since then it's been all downhill

  5. #55
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    I have the opposite problem. Engineering grad program and mostly male dominated hobbies. Guys get intimidated when you are more of a "man" than they are, but I found one with similar hobbies who doesn't care when I go hang out with other guys all day. Anything other than a zero tolerance policy on jealousy/trust issues would be disastrous for me.

  6. #56
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    Wear vibrams and t shirt of your choice: libertarian, commie, primal or anarchist. Embrace your strangeness!

    Life is death. We all take turns. It's sacred to eat during our turn and be eaten when our turn is over. RichMahogany.

  7. #57
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    here's the thing. it's a litmus test.

    if they freak out over food, best to walk away.

    seems pretty straight forward, right?

    also, i have bonded with smeone over values while having meals, it wasn't the food itself that was important.

  8. #58
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    Also, yes -- work on your own self esteem.

  9. #59
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    Food is about the most basic thing there can be. Most people have never put any thought into what they eat, because they are not capable of questioning their diets. The idea is too threatening to them.

  10. #60
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    Embrace the crazy- it makes it easier to find someone with compatible crazy

    For the food thing, if asked, I usually say "As long as they have meat and salads, I'm fine." I figure, if there are questionable ingredients in the dressing or something, it's my 20%. Of course, if they absolutely insist on, say, a pizza only place, or The Olive Garden- I probably don't want to be dating him anyway

    And, if they object to me eating meat- again, it probably won't work out anyway.
    http://cattaillady.com/ My blog exploring the beginning stages of learning how to homestead. With the occasional rant.

    Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

    And now I have an Etsy store: CattailsandCalendula

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