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Thread: Grief as a stressor- 6 months in? page 2

  1. #11
    StephenHLi's Avatar
    StephenHLi is offline Senior Member
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    I am sorry for your loss. I lost a friend 2 years ago and even though she was not my mother, and I didn't know her for a very long time, the event made a huge impact on my life. I learned a lot of wisdom from this woman. She lived her life the right way and on her high character terms, she never betrayed her ideals and principles.

    There is no set time table for grief resolution. It may take the rest of your whole life to learn to "accept" or "come to terms" with the grief. Each individual handles these situations uniquely.

    Your spiritual heart has been cracked and deprived of a massive amount of energy. Your brain recognizes this and is diverting physical and mental energies to help you cope with your significant loss, until your spiritual heart chambers can mend and start to refill again.

    Will this heart mend to its original state, most likely not. Will your spiritual energies ever return to its original levels? Maybe not. In time your brain will recognize that it no longer needs to divert the physical and mental energies to support the spirit and emotions. In time and new experiences you may develop a new spiritual heart chamber to fill up.

    I have made a couple new friends over these 2 years since my loss and I am trying to fill up these new chambers with every little bit of energy/wisdom I can get.

  2. #12
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    Hi Stephen
    Thanks for the note. When Mum died, a friend who'd also lost a parent said pretty bluntly that the pain only gets a little bit better, but you get a lot better at dealing with it. That feels about right. I'm way better now, but when the grief hits, it's still so fresh. I keep trying to get back to how I was and it's not working... in terms of exercise I cant seem to push as hard or be as motivated. With food, I'm eating PB, but definitely over/comfort eating. And my 'spark' has definitely dulled from how I used to be.

    I think you're right re the spiritual heart, though I'd never really looked at it that way. Mum was definitely the rock and constant in my life and we were so close. You do feel untethered to the world for a long time afterwards (and in many ways I still do).

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. Grief is what you feel when you lose something of value, and her friendship was clearly of value to you. Take care of yourself.

  3. #13
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    excursivey is offline Senior Member
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    [QUOTE=heatherp;1232343] I keep trying to get back to how I was and it's not working... And my 'spark' has definitely dulled from how I used to be.[QUOTE]

    Just want to sneak in a big hug to you kiddywinks. You're not gonna go back, you'll move to a new place that's ok, with a different kind of spark. I'm not sure how to explain it. It's just going to take time.

    I have my signature for a reason...
    Breathe. Move forward.

    I just eat what I want...

  4. #14
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    fiercehunter is offline Banned
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    Try flower essences:
    The Original Bach Flower Remedies - www.BachFlower.com

    They are fairly affordable and can be purchased at most Whole Foods. Store away from computer and electrical outlets.

  5. #15
    heatherp's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by excursivey View Post
    Just want to sneak in a big hug to you kiddywinks. You're not gonna go back, you'll move to a new place that's ok, with a different kind of spark. I'm not sure how to explain it. It's just going to take time.
    I have my signature for a reason...
    Hugs always appreciated - thanks excursivey.
    I keep having to remind myself to move through this grief naturally- trying to move on past it is counter-intuitive. I hope you are right about the different spark coming back... though I read today about how 'it is within the depths of darkness that you discover within you an inextinguishable light, and it is this light that illuminates the way forward'...can only hope that's true.

    Inhale, exhale. x

  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by heatherp View Post
    I read today about how 'it is within the depths of darkness that you discover within you an inextinguishable light, and it is this light that illuminates the way forward'...can only hope that's true.
    I believe it is exactly true...
    Breathe. Move forward.

    I just eat what I want...

  7. #17
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    Hi, heatherp - I'm sorry for your loss.
    When my dad died, someone told me that when you are grieving, it takes 80% of your energy to grieve - leaving you just 20% of your normal energy to do everything else - personal hygiene, sleeping, eating, communicating... so you can see how you may not feel up to your old routine, even now after 6 months.

    I just remember having a really rough time around the 6 month anniversary. Part of it related to what you are saying - I felt like I "should" be better by that point, and it felt like the world had moved on without me. I felt disconnected at times, like what if we all woke up tomorrow and the sky was orange instead of blue - and you were the only person who seemed to remember that the sky was once blue, with everyone else just walking around like it was nothing new. That's how it felt for me at times.

    I read some great stuff by Alan Wolfelt on grieving, and I even was able to attend one of his conferences. You may want to check out his articles on his website - I know they really helped me. Here's a link: Center For Loss - Someone I Love Has Died. Take it easy on yourself - one step at a time. Trust that you will feel a little bit better each day.

  8. #18
    heatherp's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by badwolf View Post
    Hi, heatherp - I'm sorry for your loss.
    When my dad died, someone told me that when you are grieving, it takes 80% of your energy to grieve - leaving you just 20% of your normal energy to do everything else - personal hygiene, sleeping, eating, communicating... so you can see how you may not feel up to your old routine, even now after 6 months.

    I just remember having a really rough time around the 6 month anniversary. Part of it related to what you are saying - I felt like I "should" be better by that point, and it felt like the world had moved on without me. I felt disconnected at times, like what if we all woke up tomorrow and the sky was orange instead of blue - and you were the only person who seemed to remember that the sky was once blue, with everyone else just walking around like it was nothing new. That's how it felt for me at times.

    I read some great stuff by Alan Wolfelt on grieving, and I even was able to attend one of his conferences. You may want to check out his articles on his website - I know they really helped me. Here's a link: Center For Loss - Someone I Love Has Died. Take it easy on yourself - one step at a time. Trust that you will feel a little bit better each day.
    Hey badwolf- thanks for the lovely post and your thoughts (liking the sassy tag-name, I really need to work on creativity!).
    I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. Dad's are enormously special *hug*

    The 80/20 energy rule (huh, where have I heard 80/20 before...) sounds about right- I literally could just get to work (dressed in varying styles approximating 'ragamuffin') and get home again and that was exhausting. That was partly why I started eating PB- wanted to do what I could to nourish myself when it felt I was in shock. Communicating was beyond me.

    You totally nailed it... everyone else has moved on and I'm still stuck here, just blindsided by it and not wanting to get used to life without her. If I think too much that she wont be here if I meet and guy and get married, have kids- that is what ruins me.

    I'll check out the site now- thank you for the link! x

  9. #19
    badwolf's Avatar
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    Primal Blueprint Expert Certification
    I understand what you mean! Each new experience that he wasn't there for, no matter how happy I was, a part of my heart just ached from the loss. I wrote this super long poem about all the things I missed about him... it was therapeutic if not the best poem ever

    I hope the site was helpful and that you are finding comfort in small things this week.
    I don't know what your beliefs are about the after life, but I believe they are somewhat aware - at least occasionally - of how we are doing. There are times I believe that my dad is cheering me on. I'm sure that your Mum is cheering for you, too!

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