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Thread: Journey To Happiness - A Magical Land Where I'm Finally Content page

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    Driedmango's Avatar
    Driedmango is offline Senior Member
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    Journey To Happiness - A Magical Land Where I'm Finally Content

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    So I finally mustered up the motivation/courage to start a journal, due to the encouragement of a friend (thank you, Ci!).

    I'm a 19 year old, 5'1 female, and I started my little dance with food and calories and everything else when I was 17, I think. Somewhere along the road, it went from just being careful about what I ate and going for a run every other day, to obsessing about every single calorie I put into my body and every single calorie I burned off. I had once considered throwing up my food, and I'll admit, I even attempted it. However (thankfully!) I was unsuccessful. Long story short, I developed exercise bulimia. It makes me cringe to think how much time I spent doing mindless cardio at the gym. I never realized my eating was getting that weird though. A single day where I exceeded 1200 calories would result in numerous hours at the gym. And even on a regular day, I might eat around 1000 calories and do a couple of hours of cardio. It was all about seeing the numbers on the scale go down. I dropped a fair amount of weight quite fast (I started off at 65kg and was 51kg in less than or around 6 months, I think). I still have a hard time saying I developed an eating disorder, because I feel "it isn't as extreme as everyone else's, you're being stupid, they're going to think you're being stupid. You weren't even scary thin, you were barely thin at all." But it is what it is! I ended up losing my period, and my skin started to get weird, and I'd get dizzy all the time. I was cranky and didn't want to do anything with anyone. This all stopped around 6-7 months ago, I think.

    My doctor told me to gain weight to get my period back, and she also told me I had to build muscle, because in my journey to lose weight, my body fat percentage was still high, but the amount of muscle I had was below the minimum required for my stats. So i gained and i gained and i ate and i ate. And i steered clear of the scale, because it terrified me to think I'd see a higher number. Then my period came back (and I was absolutely ecstatic, as silly as it may seem) and I stepped on the scale a few months later. This "few months later" entailed a lot of binging, because I was deathly scared of having a low calorie count, and well, i don't know. It was a weird time for me. So I was 62kg again. Not so great, and the panicking came back. I wanted to lose it, again. My doctor had said 53-54kg would be good for me. So that is the number I'm aiming for. But I'm really just aiming for a body that I'm content with (and if the number comes down, I wont lie, I'll be happy, because I'll be watching it).

    I found primal on one of my many miserable internet searches for how to drop weight in a healthy way. I want to drop the fat, but I want to do it properly. I want to be healthy and athletic. Not skinny and miserable. Not only that, I want to have a healthy relationship with food. I don't want it to be something I'm obsessing over all day.

    So my ultimate goal : Get a kickass body and a serene state of mind by April 14th 2014 (the day before my 20th birthday). And this will be my journey to happiness, i hope. To a place where I'm finally content with myself and my life.
    Last edited by Driedmango; 06-19-2013 at 08:45 PM.
    Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

  2. #2
    Driedmango's Avatar
    Driedmango is offline Senior Member
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    Wednesday, 12th June 2013

    Sleep:
    1.30 - 8.30

    Exercise:
    Deck of Cards Circuit [Timed 22:20] - Do people actually know what that is, or did my trainer make it up?
    10 kneeling pull ups, 10 box jumps, 10 mountain climbers [x3]
    Some ab thingy where I lean at an angle and throw an 8lbs medicine ball back and forth with my trainer (I forgot what it's called)

    Food:
    Breakfast: Dates (we didn't have any eggs in the morning ) and a sweet potato frittata after my work out, and after i went grocery shopping (2 whole eggs, 3 egg whites)
    Lunch: Livers of something or the other (I don't know, my dad made it. It was yummy though!)
    Dinner: Pineapple and strawberry platter
    Snacks: Half can of tuna, 85% sugarfree dark chocolate, handful walnuts + almonds
    Calories: ~1400

    Thoughts and stuff:
    Today was good. I think. I was actually going to end the day on around 800 calories, and I had this sick "yessss low calories" sense of satisfaction. So I got out the strawberry/pineapple platter and as soon as I started eating it I realized I was actually really hungry. Even now, knowing I ate 1400 makes me feel weird, lol. I still feel like i've somehow miscalculated, and I'm actually at 200000 calories (just an exaggeration, before anyone jumps to shoot me!). But I'm getting better. And I'm trying to listen to my body more, and not obsess over the calories. Today my trainer decided to mention that I could eat as much protein + low carb veggies that I wanted. Aaaand she told me eating fat is key to fat loss. I sat there like " that's amazing" and in the back of my mind I was like "yay primal!!". I really hope I get to a point where I'm super committed to primal. I love it, and I know how good it makes me feel. But I keep letting myself have free days and stuff. I think it's because I just jumped into primal and went cold-turkey. I'm going to try and ease into it. As long as most of my food choices are primal, I'm happy.
    I had a few interesting run ins with people today, but before I ramble about it in my journal (is anyone even going to read this, though haha) I'm going to sit and analyze it like the over-thinker that I am. I've also babbled enough anyway, and I wouldn't want to scare everyone off of the journal right off the bat

    I walk slow, take my hand, help me on my way.
    Last edited by Driedmango; 06-13-2013 at 08:46 AM.
    Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

  3. #3
    Driedmango's Avatar
    Driedmango is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by CiKi90 View Post
    Hey, great job on starting the journal! It can be kind of odd to get the routine of things going in here, and lay out everything in a way that you prefer, but you'll get it! Like I said sooo many times, this is YOUR journal and you should ramble and complain and give TMI and do anything you want, since it's yours, and you're not making anyone read it. Besides, someone IS reading it that may be able to give you a really awesome perspective that you may have never thought of before!

    P.S. I don't know what a Deck of Cards circuit is, but there are so many different names for things floating around, who knows! I'm happy that you decided to try and make yourself eat more food today, too, despite your reward signals going off for restricting. Yay!
    Thank youu! It was actually thanks to you haha. It still feels a bit awkward, but i'll just consider it my little notebook and spill my minds contents here.

    Well each symbol on the cards is given an exercise (hearts = squats, for example) and you pick a card and do reps equal to the number (king of hearts = 13 squats). And you do that till you finish the deck! We had extra jokers in the deck too, and jokers = burpees.
    It was fun though!
    Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

  4. #4
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    offroadannie is offline Junior Member
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    I'm also reading. Your story is fascinating. And from my own experience, the best way out of an eating disorder is awareness and to stop the denial. And it looks like you're doing this. So well done

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    Driedmango is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by offroadannie View Post
    I'm also reading. Your story is fascinating. And from my own experience, the best way out of an eating disorder is awareness and to stop the denial. And it looks like you're doing this. So well done
    Thank you so much for reading ! And thank you for thinking my story is fascinating, haha. It's boring and tedious to my own mind, unfortunately. I am definitely actively trying not to fall into my old ways, although it's hard since that's the only sure-shot way I'd ever known for losing weight. But I'm getting there. Thank you so much!
    Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

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    Wednesday, 13th June 2013

    Sleep:
    00.30 - 10.30
    It was one of the best nights of sleep I've had in a while. Woke up suuuper achey though. Pretty weird because I haven't been sore from a workout in a really long time. I lik it though!

    Exercise:
    Nothing, really. Does walking around shopping for my sister's birthday count? And then carrying a looooooot of bags and walking back?

    Food:
    Breakfast: Sweet potato frittata (2 Whole Eggs, 3 Egg Whites) - My breakfast doesn't really vary much.
    Lunch: Spinach Stew (with cubes of beef in it) - I should mention lunch is the "main meal" in my family.
    Dinner: Pineapple and strawberry platter
    Snacks: 10 almonds (yes, i counted them!) and 85% Unsweetened Dark Chocolate - Think I need to cut back on the chocolate! Might help kill the cravings.
    Calories: ~1250-1350

    Thoughts and stuff:
    Not much going on today. I kept busy, which is always good for my sanity. Woke up and had breakfast, did some cleaning, went out to get my sister's stuff, had lunch, went back out to get some stuff, talked to someone for a while, came back home aaaand here I am! The "someone" I talked to is actually a guy I know who seems to trigger a lot of my anxiety. But today was okay - it went really well. Then again, it always goes well, until I'm left to my own devices - then I overthink and the anxiety kicks in again. Hopefully not today! I think he may have been trying to ask me out, but I'm not sure about that either. I still find it hard to go into a lot of detail here, because I feel like it'll be a burden, so I won't dwell into it just yet .
    Food-wise it was a good day. My obsessing over calories/food seems to be at its worst when I'm free-er throughout the day. So I'm just going to keep as busy as possible everyday.
    I'm surprised I actually forgot this, since it upset me quite a lot this morning. Although I know it's bad to get on the scale as often as I do, I still do it. Heck, considering I used to weigh myself everyyy single day, or multiple times a day...I think getting on the scale every 2-3 days is pretty good for me. But! This morning I weighed myself and I was 2lbs heavier than I was 2 days ago. I knoooow it isn't 2lbs of fat, because there's no way I ate 7000+ extra calories, but it was still pretty demotivating. I'm thinking maybe it's because I'm retaining water, if my soreness is any indication. I hope so anyway!

    Because I always have a million and one questions running through my mind, and I'm always curious how different people would answer them, I thought I'd put a little "question of the day". Of course, this is all assuming people read this, but I don't lose anything by putting the question out there anyway - even if no one answers. But I'd love to see what sort of answers my questions would get

    Question of the day
    If you were interested in someone, and you could only ask one question, and they had to give you an honest answer...what would your question be?

    Lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall. Lend me your eyes, I can change what you see. But your soul you must keep totally free
    Last edited by Driedmango; 06-13-2013 at 08:09 PM.
    Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

  7. #7
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    honeybuns is offline Senior Member
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    My answer to your question of the day would be "what makes you happy?". I know how I would answer that if someone asked me that question.

    I have gotten to the point where I can weigh twice a day and not get upset if it goes up. It has been a great tool to see how my body reacts to certain foods rather than using it as a way to see if I am losing or not. Until you can get to that point, avoid the scale for a while.

    I am finding your journal interesting. Please don't stop writing!
    Of all the paths you take in life, make sure a few of them are dirt.

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    Quote Originally Posted by honeybuns View Post
    My answer to your question of the day would be "what makes you happy?". I know how I would answer that if someone asked me that question.

    I have gotten to the point where I can weigh twice a day and not get upset if it goes up. It has been a great tool to see how my body reacts to certain foods rather than using it as a way to see if I am losing or not. Until you can get to that point, avoid the scale for a while.

    I am finding your journal interesting. Please don't stop writing!
    That's actually a reallyyyy good question. I can't believe it didn't even cross my mind. I personally wouldn't know how to answer that, though. What makes you happy, honeybuns ?
    I think it would be a great tool for me too. Unfortunately, I'd just panic at the sight of a higher number. Siiigh. That darn brain of mine!

    Haha I feel this may be a bit silly but I was actually super touched by your "I am finding your journal interesting. Please don't stop writing!". Thank you so much ! I'll probably start going into non-food stuff a bit more deeply. Maybe i'll split up the thoughts and stuff thing into two sections then, in case no one wants to read about my odd interactions with life and people .

    Thank you again!
    Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

  9. #9
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    What makes me happy is being outdoors. Check out the last page of my journal for a brief look at who I am and what I do.

    http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...d33909-98.html


    The odd interactions about life and people make a journal the most interesting. I don't go back to the ones that only talk about food and workouts.

    Even when I am not posting on your journal, I will be reading it!
    Last edited by honeybuns; 06-13-2013 at 06:13 PM.
    Of all the paths you take in life, make sure a few of them are dirt.

  10. #10
    Driedmango's Avatar
    Driedmango is offline Senior Member
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    PrimalCon New York
    Quote Originally Posted by honeybuns View Post
    What makes me happy is being outdoors. Check out the last page of my journal for a brief look at who I am and what I do.

    http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...d33909-98.html


    The odd interactions about life and people make a journal the most interesting. I don't go back to the ones that only talk about food and workouts.

    Even when I am not posting on your journal, I will be reading it!
    I just went and had a look. Those pictures are absolutely stunning. Im so jealous! Ive never had a chance to go on any sort of amazing hikes.

    And i must say, you have such a sweet looking face!
    Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

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