Monday, 17th June 2013
Day Three of Willpower Challenge
~2.30 - 7.30
Really, reallyyy bad night. I just couldn't seem to fall asleep, so I just laid in bed from 11 to 2. And when i did manage to fall asleep, I just woke up all the time. I could feel my anxiety building up before I fell asleep though, so I know what caused it. But the anxiety's still there, lol. Hopefully it wont be so bad tonight, since I'm so tired anyway.
Lifting again! Yaaaay!
Clean [Hang]: 45/5 - 45/5 - 55/5 - 55/5.
Clean [Full]: 55/5 - 55/5
Bench: 45/4 - 45/4 - 55/4 - 65/3 - 75/3
Front Squat: 45/5 - 45/5 - 55/5 - 55/5 - 65/5 - 75/5
My trainer says I'm actually a lot better at front squats (flexibility-wise, not weight-wise - I do 165 with back squats, and not very heavy with front squats, lol) than I am at back squats. She was confused, because we've only ever done front squats once, and apparently it's not "normal" that I was better at the front one. But she liked it! And I liked that I wasn't "normal" .
Breakfast: Chicken breast deli meat fritatta
Lunch: Deli meat
Dinner: Stew with stewing beef cubes and ...a vegetable that I can't remember the name of.
Snacks: Almonds, walnuts, cherries, dark chocolate and some of the left over mini primal cakes.
Calories: Absolutely no clue, but probably 1800 or over. The stress of it possibly even being over 2000 hasn't kicked in yet. I'm not going to count for the sake of my sanity. And even though it's a lot, I never felt like I ate to the point of being stuffed. I don't feel too bad about it, because it was all primal. I should probably be a bit more careful for the rest of the week though .
Thoughts and Stuff:
So, as far as food goes, I know why I ate so much.
1) My younger sister woke up with this horrible angry rash on her face, and ended up having to go to the hospital to get checked out (where they said they didn't know what was wrong with her - thanks, that's helpful). So that amplified my anxiety, and I ended up walking in circles eating almonds and walnuts. I know emotional eating isn't good, but meeeh.
2) I always seem to have weird eating when I don't get a good night's sleep. I definitely didn't get a good night's sleep.
3) I was anxious about seeing someone. Hell, I'm still anxious about it. I didn't get any answers from seeing him, because we ended up joking around as usual, and lately I find that I'm really hesitant, as far as asking people questions, or trying to figure out where I stand with them. I don't like that I'm developing this irrational fear of being hurt/embarrassed.
So I had that post about the guy who worked in my building who confused me, and how he mentioned going on a picnic together. I wanted to find out if he was serious, and all night I'd thought of scenarios of how I'd ask, and that I'd just be direct. Nooope, instead I chose the coward's way, and I danced around it. So instead, it ended up with him telling me he knew a really good place for picnics, and he goes there with friends, and that I should go with my family. That did lead to a bit of an odd topic (for me), where he said I was living in the lap of luxury, because I got to see my family a lot, and he didn't. I said I was aware, and that I felt bad, and if I could, I'd get him to the lap of luxury too (it wasn't my way of hitting on him - I just felt really bad for him, he has a lot worse than I do). And he instantly went like "will you marry me?" and burst out laughing. I laughed too and said "just for my money?" and he said "yeah, I have morals, but they don't extend that far."
I knooow I think too much, but after I left I kind of felt bad. I do come from a decent background, but we weren't always that way. So although we have money and stuff, we aren't the frivolous type who are obsessed with worldly possessions. And it was the second time in one day that he mentioned "my money". I've had people warn me a lot, that people would take advantage of me for financial purposes - and I've had it happen once or twice, just because I'm kind of an idiot. So yeah, it made me feel like I was seen as a sack of money walking around.
This guy really confuses me I hate not knowing where I stand with people. And he's making my anxiety go off the charts. I need some male input but all my male friends hate having me talk to them about guys. Where are all the super wise MDA guys when you need them?
Well, it's my sister's birthday tomorrow, and I promised to take her out after her party! Hopefully I can keep busy tomorrow, and ignore all the anxiety.
Question Of The Day:
If you didn't know where you stood with someone, or how they felt towards you/what you were to them, how would you find out? Would you just directly ask? Or how would you test the waters?