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Thread: Journey To Happiness - A Magical Land Where I'm Finally Content page 7

  1. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by CiKi90 View Post
    Well, it depends on what I'm curious about. If I'm wondering if the person hates me for some unknown reason, then I would just ask that person if they were angry toward me. If I'm not sure if the person has feelings of romantic love toward me, then usually I have a hard time saying/asking anything, honestly. If I don't have romantic feelings toward them, then it's usually a lot easier for me to tease them and see just how they feel about me based on their reaction. If I am having some emotional connection, though, it is just in my nature to shrink up and get pretty shy. That being said, I haven't had to deal with things like this since high school, since I've been in a relationship since then, so I guess that's normal high school behavior, ha.

    I was going to ask you about your sleep troubles, too. I can't remember now, but did you eat very little food yesterday? If you didn't have enough calories, you can have a tough time staying asleep sometimes. This would ring especially true if you woke up sweating, twitching, very hot, etc. Maybe tonight you'll sleep a bit better =)

    Also... the day after a lifting day, or a day after a busy day for me, will always be a hungry day! If you've been lifting weights recently, then yeah, hunger should be expected. Yeah muscles!
    It's pretty fascinating how different people react to different things. If I'm really interested in someone, I mostly stick to teasing - I feel like if I keep it light and jokey, I can't mess anything up. However, I am shy by nature, so I blush while I do it, haha.
    All my experiences with males have also started off with them teasing me. I think literally each and every single one of them did start with teasing, lol. I've heard I give my reactions to teasing are pretty amazing though (as in, really damn funny). So I don't know if they tease me out of interest, or if they tease me and like my reactions to things, then develop interest. I have no males I can question, unfortunately! I wish I could read minds for a little while

    Uhhh, yesterday I think I had around 1300 calories. I usually sleep easier when there's less food in my stomach, actually. I wake up sweating and very hot when I eat too much though! I know my lack of sleep was because of my anxiety, and I was just thinking too much. I might just pass out from being completely exhausted tonight. I hope so anyway - restless nights suck. But considering I'm seeing that guy tomorrow again, and I have a lot to do tomorrow, I'd imagine my levels of anxiousness will peak again.

    I do seem to be ravenous on the days when I lift! And my appetite is extremely low on days when I do cardio. Haha i really hope I'm building muscle, at least. Every time I eat a lot after a heavy lifting day, I'm like "woo, it's okay, IT'LL ALL TURN TO MUSCLE". Probably not, but one can dream
    Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

  2. #62
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    Quote Originally Posted by honeybuns View Post
    Can't answer the QOTD today in any helpful way. I am not direct and am intimidated by people who are. Too many years of working retail where you had to be pleasant NO MATTER WHAT.
    I think I'd hate that, I apparently have a bad temper. I wouldn't last very long in retail - but I do try to be super nice to people who do work in retail!
    Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

  3. #63
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    Tuesday, 18th June 2013

    Day Off Of My Little Willpower Challenge


    So last night I decided I would skip today out of my challenge. I knew there was going to be lots of cake, and that if I told myself it wasn't allowed - I'd end up binging on all the baked goods. So I let myself have a slice of my sister's birthday cake. And it was sooo yummy.

    Sleep
    1.30 - 9.00

    Exercise:
    Lifting again
    Benchpress: 45/5 - 45/5 - 45/5 - 55/4 - 65/4 - 75/4 - 75/4 - 85/1 - 85/1
    Squat: 45/5 - 95/4 - 115/5 - 115/4 - 115/4 - 115/4
    Deadlift: 45/5 - 95/4 - 125/4 - 145/3 - 155/3 - 155/3 - 115/3

    Food:
    Breakfast: Chicken breast deli meat
    Lunch: Pigeon/Squab/whatever you want to call it, I didn't enjoy it, so I left most of it.
    Dinner: Chicken breast deli meat
    Snacks: Slice of birthday cake, smoked salmon and loooots of dark chocolate.
    Calories : I hate to put this number out here, and although my counting wasn't militant, I'd say maybe ~2000-2500 calories. I don't know how much the slice of cake was. It was all spread out throughout the day, so although it wasn't a binge, I still feel bad about the number. I feel like such a cow . I'm going to hate myself for this when I weigh-in on friday!

    Thoughts and Stuff:
    Leeet's start off with the food stuff! So, I ate a truckload again. I was just reallyyyyy craving chocolate, so I just kept eating and eating it. I wasn't counting throughout the day, and only noticed when I was tallying everything up, that I'd eaten a loot. I think I might be PMS-ing though.
    Well, for the past 3 weeks I've been in the gym almost everyday. Hopefully it won't be too bad. And hopefully it'll make me build some muscle too. I'm really embarrassed putting up the number of calories I ate today. Not happy with it at all! I think I might go back to counting throughout the day tomorrow. I promise I'm not always like this, I think I'm just losing my mind. But I'll get back on track.
    On other unrelated news, last night was really weird for me. I just felt reallyyyyy hollow, and like I had no purpose. I keep thinking if I found myself some sort of passion, or something I truly loved...that everything would fall into place. But maybe that's just wishful thinking. But the feeling carried over today, and although I managed to ignore it for most of the day, when I had a moment to myself I just ended up crying because I felt sooo lost. I have no clue what I'm doing with myself. I feel like my life isn't going in any particular direction, and I'm spinning myself in circles (as you can see by my eating habits, too - I wish someone would just tell me what to eat everyday, so I wouldn't have to think of food at all).
    I also didn't manage to talk to that guy alone today, but he gave my younger sister a birthday present (which I think was really sweet). I walked into the lobby with a male relative of mine and when we were in the elevator he snapped at me for apparently being too friendly with the security guy. Which is funny, because I didn't even smile/look at him that time, since I was embarrassed that he'd seen me right after I cried earlier. At first, I took it as a joke and I laughed and asked what he was talking about. And this is basically how the conversation went:
    Jerk #2 (#1 being the one I posted about who was being mean about my fitness ) : What was that with the security guy, then?
    Me: What do you mean? I didn't even talk to him.
    Jerk #2: You didn't need to talk out loud, you two were obviously talking with your eyes.
    Me: Talking with our e-...you're joking, aren't you? (I laughed. I really thought he was kidding).
    Jerk #2: Wait till we get upstairs.
    He then proceeded to go upstairs and try to tell my mom how her daughter was frolicking with "the help" (you might have guessed - but he's a major snob). Which just resulted in my yelling at him and my mom snapping at him for being ridiculous. So, you know, sucks for him. I might've believed him, if it weren't for the fact that talking with our eyes would require eye contact for more than half a second. But honestly. What's with all these toxic vibes people keep spitting in my direction? Maybe people are catching on to how toxic my thoughts about myself are, and they're treating me how I treat myself. I just want to be happy. It always surprises me when I realize I really am unhappy. I don't think anyone would guess it (unless they read my journal, of course )

    I really want things to get better. I really want to get better. But I feel so stuck. Blah.

    Question Of The Day
    Does it really get better?

    Super gloomy, lol. Sorry, I'm just trapped in my own negative state of mind lately.
    Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

  4. #64
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    Quote Originally Posted by CiKi90 View Post
    Well, I feel pretty certain that even though every little bit of extra food you eat may not turn to muscle, I do believe that most of it will get used up metabolically since lifting weights raises your metabolism for a while after you're done. So, even if you're not gaining muscle, I don't think you're gaining fat either, unless you ate like 4kcals every day!

    Ohh, and on the green tea matcha powder -- I LOVE that stuff! Whenever I have it (I just ran out the other day, boo) I can pretty much put it in everything: coffee for lattes, almond milk for chai tea, smoothies, lemon juice + pellegrino (green tea soda! ha) and I've even baked with it before. It's supposed to be really good for you, too, since you're consuming the whole leaf instead of just the steeped bits from the plant. I think the next time I pick up some matcha, I'm going to try making green tea flavored gummy candy with gelatin! haha, I love making weird stuff.
    Haha I've never gone as 4k, but 3k appears to be happening more often than I'd like. I worry my bulimia is turning into binge eating disorder. Although I haven't actually had a "binge" recently. Uuuugh! I need to remember to buy some next time. I was even next to the store like 4 times today.
    Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

  5. #65
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    I wouldn't be upset about the calories. You are lifting heavy and often, and could probably use the energy. It is more likely to be turned into muscle since it's not like you were sitting down all day. I find that stressing over the food intake sometimes is often worse than overeating. Also, overeating here and there is NOT going to make you blow up like a balloon! It takes daily overeating of mostly unhealthy food for that to happen. It's not like you are eating junk, which is addicting. You are eating whole real food, which keeps you full. Also, don't be afraid of the scale - muscle weighs more than fat!

    Also - another thought. Maybe you are eating a lot of the dark chocolate because it looks like your carb intake is rather low. Including some starches like potatoes and rice might help diminish those cravings. Primal doesn't mean low carb (I went pretty low carb while being active when first finding primal too, and felt a LOT better adding some starch back).

    As for feeling down about life, keep your head up. When I used to binge (not saying you binged), I'd feel pretty bad about myself the rest of the day. Now instead of feeling sorry about nothing, I think how I am born in a time where I can learn so much about life and better myself in all ways.
    Last edited by max219; 06-18-2013 at 08:19 PM.

  6. #66
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    QOTD~ Yes, it does get better.
    Of all the paths you take in life, make sure a few of them are dirt.

  7. #67
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    Quote Originally Posted by max219 View Post
    I wouldn't be upset about the calories. You are lifting heavy and often, and could probably use the energy. It is more likely to be turned into muscle since it's not like you were sitting down all day. I find that stressing over the food intake sometimes is often worse than overeating. Also, overeating here and there is NOT going to make you blow up like a balloon! It takes daily overeating of mostly unhealthy food for that to happen. It's not like you are eating junk, which is addicting. You are eating whole real food, which keeps you full. Also, don't be afraid of the scale - muscle weighs more than fat!

    Also - another thought. Maybe you are eating a lot of the dark chocolate because it looks like your carb intake is rather low. Including some starches like potatoes and rice might help diminish those cravings. Primal doesn't mean low carb (I went pretty low carb while being active when first finding primal too, and felt a LOT better adding some starch back).

    As for feeling down about life, keep your head up. When I used to binge (not saying you binged), I'd feel pretty bad about myself the rest of the day. Now instead of feeling sorry about nothing, I think how I am born in a time where I can learn so much about life and better myself in all ways.
    You're definitely right, and I'm going to try upping the carbs. I don't think low carb works well for me, at all. Thank you soooo much for your response and your support .

    Quote Originally Posted by honeybuns View Post
    QOTD~ Yes, it does get better.
    Haha I'm soo sorry about that question. I was being so negative yesterday. Thank you, though. I think I'm just too impatient!

    Quote Originally Posted by CiKi90 View Post
    Aww, I just want to give you a giant hug! I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Did you see my journal from last night? We're in the same boat, food-wise. I had so much food yesterday, too! Since you are really feeling down and out, I think that this article will really help you to feel better about everything that's going on: Your Eatopia - Blog - Bingeing is Not*Bingeing
    It's a great site, and there are plenty of cited sources that explain things about eating disorders. It really helped me when I was at my worst! Keep your chin up, hun!

    Ah, the matcha! I just bought 2oz. of it today! I wonder what I should make with it? Usually, I just mix it with lemony water, or with gelatin, or coffee. Idk. Frozen banana-green tea "ice cream?" Maaaaybe. Ha.
    Haha I'd have loved a hug! I did read your journal, and your bf's mother is something else (I almost said mother-in-law, shame on me). I checked out that link and it actually made a lot of sense to me. I'm going to re-read it later, though, because I read it when I was grumpy, and so I probably missed a fair bit .
    Oooh my vote's for the Frozen banana-green tea ice cream. Do it do it! And then let me know how it was !

    Again, I'm sooooo sorry for being so negative yesterday. I cringed when I re-read yesterday's journal entry. Thank you guys lots and lots and lots for being so supportive. You're the best!
    Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

  8. #68
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    Wednesday, 19th June 2013

    Day Four of Willpower Challenge

    Sleep

    00.30 - 2.30 and 4.30 - 11.30. I also napped between 16.30 and 18.30.
    Woke up at 2.30 with a crazy need to just write, so I wrote and wrote. Then my best friend back in Dubai texted me, so I stayed up talking to her till around 4.30. I mentioned to her that I was feeling kind of aimless, and I was surprised to hear that she felt that way a lot too. We decided to try and volunteer for some charity work when I went back for the summer. Did I mention I was going back to Dubai on the 26th ?

    Exercise
    Nothing today. I decided to give myself a bit of a break before I went back to lifting on Friday.

    Food
    Today was pretty unstructured, food-wise. I only actually had one proper meal today.
    Meal: Grilled chicken breast with a huuuuge salad (sooo yummy!)
    Snacks: Dates and walnuts
    Drinks: Coffee with a bit of milk and stevia + Tea with a bit of milk and stevia
    I was lost in my own head for the majority of the day, and since we're leaving so soon we don't have much at home, grocery-wise. I only ended up eating at around 20.30, and even then, I wasn't so hungry. Sometimes when I think of a salad I'll be like "oh man that sounds so boring". But then I'll have a really good salad, like I did today, and I remember how good vegetables can be.
    Calories: ~500-600 - Maybe my body's getting the hang of this calorie cycling thing?

    Thoughts and Stuff
    Today was pretty uneventful (but in a good way - my day's have been pretty eventful lately, in a negative light). I had a lot of time to think and unwind.
    I found myself feeling a lot more positive today, and like Max told me after my super negative post yesterday, I just needed to think of how lucky I really am (Thank you, Max!). I don't have it bad at all. I also realized there's no point being so hard on myself when I'm still learning to trust my body. It also finally registered that I am getting better. In the past, if I'd eaten as much as I did yesterday, I'd have instantly gone to the gym and stayed there till I felt I burned enough calories to be back into a heavy deficit. So I'm proud of myself for not falling back into the exercise bulimia (even though it crossed my mind)!
    I'm really excited to be going back to Dubai. I really miss a lot of my friends there. I keep noticing that a lot of my friends back home have gone in opposite directions from me, but when we sit down together and stuff, it's so easy to fall back into our old ways. I miss how things were when I didn't obsess over food and my body. I used to have such a full schedule, and I was so happy. I distanced myself from most of them a year before I moved away (I knew in advance) and I didn't want to upset anyone.
    I even noticed I pulled away from all the social networking stuff, which was how we would've stayed in contact. I'm kind of considering throwing myself back into all of it. Oh well! I don't know, yet! But today was a lot better than yesterday, as far as my mental state goes.

    Question of The Day
    If you were aware that someone might not be the best person to introduce into your life, but you strongly felt you could help them, would you kind of put yourself at risk and ignore your better judgement?

    And because yesterday's question was silly, here's a replacement question for yesterday:
    What's your happiest memory?

    Day four of the willpower challenge, dooooone !

    What if I got it wrong, and no poem or song, could put right what I got wrong
    Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

  9. #69
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    Quote Originally Posted by CiKi90 View Post
    congratulations on completing four days of your willpower challenge.

    QOTD: That would depend on what sort of help the person needed. If they were young, and in need of an older figure for a role model or guidance, then I would open myself up to them in hopes that I could be able to help (if I felt like I was up to the challenge of being a role model for anyone, lol.)
    But, if the person was dangerous in a codependent, needy, draining sort of way, I don't think I would even try to be more than acquaintances with them. People like that usually don't benefit from help offered by others, and have to help themselves in the end. Getting involved would most likely mean that I would just get hurt and sacrifice my own happiness for pretty much nothing.
    Also, I've gone against my better judgement more than a few times with negative consequences. So, when I remember to trust my gut instinct, I always do as best I can to follow what I feel is right. Kinda harder to actually do, though, I know.

    QOTD2: My happiest memory. I'm feeling so down about things right now that it's hard to bring anything to mind. It is helping my mood a bit though, to think of happy things, so thanks lol. Now that I'm sitting here, a few things are coming to mind: The month-long trip I took to France, my graduation/graduation parties, the day(s) my nephews and niece were born, the day I moved out of my parents' house and out into the world lol, my 3rd place national jr. world class award in figure skating. I can't really pick just one!
    Thank youuu, Ci! See, you're always there to support other people, you're just awfully critical of yourself.
    I'm glad the QOTD2 could help you a bit, and those all sound like really great memories . Maybe it's time you make some more of those really happy memories!
    I already posted in your journal, but try and keep the good vibes going, as hard as it is.
    Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

  10. #70
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    Thursday, 20th June 2013

    Day Five of Willpower Challenge

    Sleep:

    4.30 - 9.30
    Couldn't fall asleep, then I couldn't stay asleep.

    Exercise:
    Nothing, again. I was kind of just being a couch potato today. But I'm lifting tomorrow

    Food:
    Really unstructured again, with only one "proper" meal.
    Breakfast: Dates
    Bits and pieces (as in I just tasted the stuff): Chicken livers and a beef stew
    Dinner: Pan-fried beef scallopini (not breaded, cooked in coconut oil) with a huge salad again
    Snacks: Cherries
    Drinks: Coffee + splash of milk and stevia
    Calories: ~700
    Wasn't particularly hungry throughout the day, again. But I guess I'll be ravenous again tomorrow, since I'm lifting. Hopefully it won't get too crazy!

    Thoughts and Stuff:
    I was playing with my Omron hand-held body fat monitor and realized it had two modes: athlete and normal. Although I wouldn't consider myself an athlete, based on the formula the manual gave me, I was supposed to use the athlete mode. When I switched to that, I got a BF% reading that was 2% lower. Anyone ever use the things and have any clue as to their accuracy? I heard they overestimate, in general. I'm just using it to track progress or lack of progress. But it'd be nice to know!

    I was also looking at the print-out thing my doctor gave me of my weight + bf% half a year ago (when I had to start gaining again). Honestly, at the time, my bf% was still high, and if my omron is accurate at all, I've only gained like 2-3kgs of fat out of the 7 or something that I gained. I also noticed that the majority of my BF was in my butt. I mean, it's a family thing, so all the females in my family have prominent butts, but it still made me laugh (a lot) to see it on paper. And I showed it to my mom, who burst out laughing and said "ahh GENETICS". I'll probably get it checked out at the doctor's office again soon. Or not, ignorance might be bliss!

    I was about to get into a reallyyyy negative place at some point today, but I managed to turn it around. I was thinking that there was no point, and I'd never get to where I want to be. Then I thought "why not?" There are people out there who are 100+lbs overweight, and I'm going to cry and give up over ~15-20? I know some of you disagree with my setting a "goal date", but I think that I can definitely get those 15-20 off before next April. I mean that's around 10 months. It doesn't sound impossible to me. So I'm going to do it! It really is just a matter of patience. I just get so demotivated when I don't see instant progress. Patience patience patience. I'm going to do it this time, and I'm going to do it right.

    Unrelated to food and body issues, I suddenly completely let go of all my thoughts of that guy that made me anxious. I just had the most random "ahh, whatever, who cares, it's not like that's someone I'd actually want to be with." I don't know if I mentioned it before, but my curiosity has no limits, and I sometimes confuse it for interest. I guess my curiosity ran dry in his case .

    WARNING: Skip this next bit if you think periods and/or bowel movements are icky!

    I'm not really going to say anything about periods, just that I think mine is on it's way. Definitely feeling the bloat in my lower tummy today, and the general aching in my joints (and a slight hint of cramps). As for BMs...wellllll, where the heck are they? I've never been very regular, and certainly not a "once a day" person (except for a very brief period of time), and not even a "every other day" person. Any tips on how to fix that?

    Question Of The Day
    If you could go absolutely anywhere in the world, where would you? Why would you go there, and would you take anyone with you?

    I forgot to sayyy, day five of the willpower challenge iiiis done done done

    She's such a charmer, oh no.
    Last edited by Driedmango; 06-20-2013 at 07:49 PM.
    Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.

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