Journey To Happiness - A Magical Land Where I'm Finally Content
So I finally mustered up the motivation/courage to start a journal, due to the encouragement of a friend (thank you, Ci!).
I'm a 19 year old, 5'1 female, and I started my little dance with food and calories and everything else when I was 17, I think. Somewhere along the road, it went from just being careful about what I ate and going for a run every other day, to obsessing about every single calorie I put into my body and every single calorie I burned off. I had once considered throwing up my food, and I'll admit, I even attempted it. However (thankfully!) I was unsuccessful. Long story short, I developed exercise bulimia. It makes me cringe to think how much time I spent doing mindless cardio at the gym. I never realized my eating was getting that weird though. A single day where I exceeded 1200 calories would result in numerous hours at the gym. And even on a regular day, I might eat around 1000 calories and do a couple of hours of cardio. It was all about seeing the numbers on the scale go down. I dropped a fair amount of weight quite fast (I started off at 65kg and was 51kg in less than or around 6 months, I think). I still have a hard time saying I developed an eating disorder, because I feel "it isn't as extreme as everyone else's, you're being stupid, they're going to think you're being stupid. You weren't even scary thin, you were barely thin at all." But it is what it is! I ended up losing my period, and my skin started to get weird, and I'd get dizzy all the time. I was cranky and didn't want to do anything with anyone. This all stopped around 6-7 months ago, I think.
My doctor told me to gain weight to get my period back, and she also told me I had to build muscle, because in my journey to lose weight, my body fat percentage was still high, but the amount of muscle I had was below the minimum required for my stats. So i gained and i gained and i ate and i ate. And i steered clear of the scale, because it terrified me to think I'd see a higher number. Then my period came back (and I was absolutely ecstatic, as silly as it may seem) and I stepped on the scale a few months later. This "few months later" entailed a lot of binging, because I was deathly scared of having a low calorie count, and well, i don't know. It was a weird time for me. So I was 62kg again. Not so great, and the panicking came back. I wanted to lose it, again. My doctor had said 53-54kg would be good for me. So that is the number I'm aiming for. But I'm really just aiming for a body that I'm content with (and if the number comes down, I wont lie, I'll be happy, because I'll be watching it).
I found primal on one of my many miserable internet searches for how to drop weight in a healthy way. I want to drop the fat, but I want to do it properly. I want to be healthy and athletic. Not skinny and miserable. Not only that, I want to have a healthy relationship with food. I don't want it to be something I'm obsessing over all day.
So my ultimate goal : Get a kickass body and a serene state of mind by April 14th 2014 (the day before my 20th birthday). And this will be my journey to happiness, i hope. To a place where I'm finally content with myself and my life.
Last edited by Driedmango; 06-19-2013 at 09:45 PM.
Attitudes are contagious, make yours worth catching.