I was one of those wish I was dead kids too. I still kinda wish that sometimes. The outward actions of self-destruction and incremental suicide have mostly disappeared, however. The fact that death is always an option remains a source of comfort for me.
Wow, I'm just a ray of sunshine today.
As someone who had to deal with a suicide in an immediate family not even 2 months ago, I sincerely hope nobody considers it as a real option. It's a horrid experience for the survivors.
My Journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread57916.html
When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.
Everybody seemed to hate me when I was a kid. So I just stayed away from people for the most part. Rather than hate myself, I just hated everybody else. I like myself just fine. I walked from Mexico to Canada and one thing I never was was lonely.
I mostly go around feeling pretty good about my body. It's usually when I see myself in a mirror or photograph, that the reality hits me. Wow, I'm big. Then I have moments of feeling really bad about it.
I honestly don't know what to think about my body. I can feel my body and I know that it's mostly quite hard. But visually it looks very wide and fat, especially if you put me next to another person. I can feel the fat if I poke myself, but there isn't nearly as much of a layer of it as it appears when you look at me as a whole. This is why I think that I'm just a big-boned, built-like-a-truck, made-to-last kind of person. I do not think no matter how much weight loss I had that I could ever achieve what is considered ideal today. I would first shrink but be the same general proportions, then I would lose all my muscle before suddenly becoming emaciated. There would be no middle stage where I looked like the current standard of fit and beautiful. Rather than moan and groan about it, I just try to accept it.
It helps to hang around with people who have similar interests as you. People judge me by my hiking ability, or seem to, and rank themselves based on whether they measure up to me. That can be annoying sometimes because some people never stop whining about how they aren't as good as me (wtf does that even mean anyway), but at least it's better than being the worst person in the room anywhere I go because I only have ONE FREAKING METRIC--MY STUPID DRESS SIZE--to measure myself with. (Sheesh!) And with enough work, people can get better than me at hiking but by then they're not racing me anymore, they're just enjoying themselves.
Female, 5'3", 49, Starting weight: 163lbs. Current weight: 135 (more or less).
Starting squat: 45lbs. Highest squat: 167.5 x 2. Current Deadlift: 190 x 3
Do you seriously give a shit about a standard of physical beauty set by gay men and women with eating disorders?There would be no middle stage where I looked like the current standard of fit and beautiful.
I can not remember one nice thing my parents said about me to me. I know they told other people because those people relayed those comments. I can, however, list a ton of negatives they felt I should know.
All of this is compounded by the unrealistic societal view of what is and isn't normal/acceptable. And how children are bombarded by that view everywhere.
I get it... Beauty and physical attractiveness may be subjective, but subjectively I find fit bodies with low body fat to be attractive, and not "normal" weight bodies with chubby bits. Alas, I'm of the chubby variety (even though I'm now as fit and strong as I've ever been) and thus consider myself unattractive.
And the thing is, I can't help what I find attractive! I'm not going to see chubby as attractive no matter what.
So yeah I get where Leida and others are coming from. Maybe it is wrong to make such negative comments about yourself, but it IS hard to be accepting of the way you are when your aesthetic ideal is so far off!
I always find it surprising when people make "definitive" statements about what they find attractive.
Perhaps I'm just nuts, but I find *lots* of things attractive, and the thing that I like the most is the "x factor" that most people have. It's not about their weight or this or that so much as it is about how they carry themselves and their overall sense of themselves and how they 'project' into the environment.
Perhaps because I'm attracted to "that" I'm attracted to a lot of different bodies. I find a lot of women sexy/beautiful -- of all different shapes and sizes and what not. THat includes "very fat!!!!!" women. In terms of men, I like all kinds, too. My kind-du-jour is tall/skinny (tendon-y) like herons and also strong men with their big bellies and big muscles.
Maybe in part it's because I find so few people attractive? (Not saying I don't find attractive qualities in people, I'm talking purely aesthetics here).
I've discussed this with my husband as he found it hard to believe I found so few people attractive while he finds a much larger range attractive.
Stuff like hair and skin colour are irrelevant to me and I'm just as likely to find a dark person as attractive as a light one, but I've never been attracted to someone overweight.
It might sound horrible, but really it is what it is. I can't explain attraction or why I feel the way I do. My biggest issue is that as I don't meet my ideal I can't understand why someone would find me attractive and this impacts on my relationship with my husband.