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Thread: How often should we have sex?

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  1. #1
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    How often should we have sex?

    I'm aware that sex is always an explosive topic, so I'd just like to say at the start that I genuinely want to hear other people's perspectives and I hope that we can all learn from each other...!

    When you're in a relationship with someone, what do you think is a reasonable amount to have sex?

    I ask because when I was in a long term relationship my SO wanted to have sex once or twice a day. For the first year or whatever I was up for it, but after that I would have been happy with five nights a week. BUT, the SO always took me not wanting to have sex as a personal slight; would guilt trip me etc; and most of the time I ended up having sex with him when I didn't want to: purely cos' he was giving me grief. If any other women have done this, you'll know it's a horrible feeling. Ultimately it was very destructive for me, him, and our relationship.

    I didn't really think about it for a few years, til a recent conversation with someone who described a similar scenario. Then I started thinking of other women who recounted similar situations: all of them mentioning how crabby their boyfriends get if they don't get sex when they want it (which seems to be most of the time )

    So, ladies and gents, do you believe that men and women have inherently different libidos, and if so, what is the way of navigating this in a relationship?
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  2. #2
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    Multiple wives? Not serious. I don't think there is a solution.
    Steak, eggs, potatoes - fruits, nuts, berries and forage. Coconut milk and potent herbs and spices. Tea instead of coffee now and teeny amounts of kelp daily. Let's see how this does! Not really had dairy much, and gut seems better for it.

  3. #3
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    I think libidos are as varied as anything else. Compatibility is also key. I like daily sex when I'm in a relationship, but I don't think there is one right number. For me, it's also a function of how "talented" my partner is. Fortunately, at my age the whole talent thing isn't too much of an issue - even the most numbnuts of men at sixty have figured out what goes where and how.
    "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

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  4. #4
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    its the pressure rather than the amount of sex that's the problem.
    Hubby and me have sex most days although this last 10 months with this cancer and surgery business there have been long periods of none and no interest in it from me. Saying that though when I've felt motivated or have energy enough I've used the randomly applied BJ to good effect! Its not his fault and I didn't want him to 'suffer' and he's certainly worth 1/2 hour of my time.
    When i was younger I had a relationship that involved pressure and i found it put me off; he wasn't very good either which made it worse. Too much trouble and aggravation; I don't really like high maintenance egos much
    When I'd had enough of the grain and starched based 'diabetic eating for health' diet (eating for health, my ass!) my weight was 242.5 lbs. On starting primal- 18th April 2013 weight : 238.1.
    27th July 2013. weight after 100 days 136.9 weight lost 101.2lb ; that's 105.6lbs since I stopped the 'diabetic eating for health'
    new journal http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum...ml#post1264082

  5. #5
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    As often as both parties find mutually agreeable. If your sex drive and your partner's are incompatible, reconsider your choice of partner.

  6. #6
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    Everyone is different. Some people think 3 or 4 times a day isn't enough while others are just fine with 3 or 4 times a year. And even with an individual, it's going to be more or less for them depending on whether they're busy, stressed, sick, bored, happy, depressed or any other of a thousand different things.

    If you and your partner aren't compatible, you can either compromise (BOTH of you...) or keep looking.

    And I agree with CarbDodger that a BJ is a good thing when you're not in the mood. But some women hate them, so...
    Durp.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by CarbDodger View Post
    its the pressure rather than the amount of sex that's the problem.
    Hubby and me have sex most days although this last 10 months with this cancer and surgery business there have been long periods of none and no interest in it from me. Saying that though when I've felt motivated or have energy enough I've used the randomly applied BJ to good effect! Its not his fault and I didn't want him to 'suffer' and he's certainly worth 1/2 hour of my time.
    When i was younger I had a relationship that involved pressure and i found it put me off; he wasn't very good either which made it worse. Too much trouble and aggravation; I don't really like high maintenance egos much
    Quote Originally Posted by Pebbles67 View Post
    ^+1

    Both partners have to be willing to take a "not tonight" without insult, but on the other side both need to be willing to do it at times when they don't feel like it, without showing it. My husband and I have had our issues, especially when I was very unhealthy. I have learned that for him, having sex often, tells him that I still love him and want him after 23 years. He has learned not to hurt my feelings if he wants to get some that night.

    The really funny thing is that I am Primal and he is not. Now he is having a hard time keeping up with this sex kitten. The man needs to get with the program!
    Quote Originally Posted by RitaRose View Post
    Everyone is different. Some people think 3 or 4 times a day isn't enough while others are just fine with 3 or 4 times a year. And even with an individual, it's going to be more or less for them depending on whether they're busy, stressed, sick, bored, happy, depressed or any other of a thousand different things.

    If you and your partner aren't compatible, you can either compromise (BOTH of you...) or keep looking.

    And I agree with CarbDodger that a BJ is a good thing when you're not in the mood. But some women hate them, so...
    Part of my problem is that in those first few months I'm very up for it, and I'm very... generous! But once a few months passes the steaminess of first lust starts wearing off for me, and the previous level of intimacy (a lot) isn't sustainable. But then the guy notices a difference, gets demanding, starts complaining, I get turned off... vicious cycle.
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    Part of my problem is that in those first few months I'm very up for it, and I'm very... generous! But once a few months passes the steaminess of first lust starts wearing off for me, and the previous level of intimacy (a lot) isn't sustainable.
    This is actually very common. Most people start out messing around like bunnies in heat, then it slows down a little when the novelty wears off. For some, it only slows down a little, and for others, it slows down a lot more. That's where you have to be either on the the same wavelength or both of you be willing to compromise a little. But the changing amount isn't really the big problem...

    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    But then the guy notices a difference, gets demanding, starts complaining, I get turned off... vicious cycle.
    THIS is the bigger issue.

    I would say the same thing regardless of gender or orientation. Sex is one of the most intimate things you can do with a partner. If someone is "demanding" or "complaining" instead of maybe trying to make an environment more conducive to what they want when I'm trying to at least compromise, then I'd basically say "Thank you for showing me how you really are" and I'd bail.

    I just think it goes deeper than just wanting sex and whining about it constantly.
    Durp.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    Part of my problem is that in those first few months I'm very up for it, and I'm very... generous! But once a few months passes the steaminess of first lust starts wearing off for me, and the previous level of intimacy (a lot) isn't sustainable. But then the guy notices a difference, gets demanding, starts complaining, I get turned off... vicious cycle.
    I'm like you. When I'm with someone new, I have a lot of sex drive. If I date older men, they often have trouble keeping up with me. But after the initial excitement wears off (a couple weeks, a couple months), my sex drive starts to decrease. Once I've been in a relationship with someone for more than a year, year and a half, I practically lose my sex drive altogether. This is not uncommon for women.

    I would be a perfect candidate for the clinical trials discussed in this article. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/26/ma...pagewanted=all

    But I would never take a drug that messes with my libido (just as I would never take an anti-depressant). I mean, just imagine all of the neurotransmitter pathways that would impact, unintended consequences, etc.

    Yeah, so now my bf and I have sex a couple of times a month, and I never, literally never, want to.

    Edited to add: I don't mind it that much though--doing it when I don't want to, as long as I have time.

    Edited further to add: I think the solution for me is polyamory. Monogamy kills my sex drive so if I avoided monogamy, maybe it wouldn't happen.
    Last edited by diene; 06-06-2013 at 02:21 PM.

  10. #10
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    As often as she says yes.

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