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Thread: Zanna's Journal page 7

  1. #61
    Derpamix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zanna View Post
    Thanks, Derp. Sorry - you ask a simple question and I vomit up a novel lol. They aren't his kids but we've been together for 6 years and they love him. That definitely makes it harder, but when they are out of the house eventually, I'll be left with him and ugh. That sounds miserable. I wonder why I tried so hard to make this work, when there were red flags all along. Ha, red flags - more like giant banners waving in my face while I screw my eyes shut and keep at it. It's wasting his time too, for me to drag it out.

    In non-relationship updates, I blew off my weights workout today and am kinda disappointed in myself. Not disappointed enough to get off the couch, but still. Staying up late with the red wine is just not something I can do and then leap out of bed the next day. Might go for a walk with my sister later but I can make up for it by doing extra stuff tomorrow if the couch continues to sing its siren song. And there is another weight class on Monday too. At least I got in some good racquetball last night, killed my partner again. Makes me happy.
    Hey, no worries, I'm sorry you're in this state. Could you still have him in your life, not together, for the kids to see every so often? Not living with him, just visiting, even if he isn't the father.

    I just think for your sake, at least a break is in order, before you go crazy.
    Time is passing so quickly. Right now, I feel like complaining to Einstein. Whether time is slow or fast depends on perception. Relativity theory is so romantic. And so sad.

  2. #62
    Zanna's Avatar
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    I could probably have him do that, but I think it would be really hard on him emotionally. That's the adult thing to do though, when kids are involved. I've had to bite my tongue and take the high road for years with my ex so the kids don't get stuck carrying our emotional baggage. And you're totally right, this is making me crazy. I think in a year's time, I'll be happier and wondering why I just floated along for so long.

  3. #63
    Zanna's Avatar
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    So the laziness of Saturday didn't last the whole day. I managed to get my butt off the couch and walked a couple miles to co-op to buy 2 bags of different dates and a bunch of Theo chocolate bars that were 50% off. Clearly have been spending too much time in the candy threads, lol. Dates taste like candy!

    Went for a hike with the hubby on Sunday AM - he actually asked to do something physical with me so can't turn that down. It would be better if I wanted to hang out with him. But, the hike was good and is keeping with my goal of getting a bunch of exercise while the kids are at their dad's. also got in an hour of racquetball drills and then hung out at the pool for an hour and a half. Glory be, it's not fucking raining here for once! It poured later but getting some sun on my body was nice. Went out to dinner for Mexican food - they put way too much cheese on mine. Margaritas help to cut through that.

    I feel like absolute crap today. Got hit with the period cramps today, hard. They've been almost non-existent since I started eating cleaner - maybe I'm paying for whatever oils were used in that Mexican food? Ugh. I took some Aleve but its doing nothing. I want to go back and curl up in bed for the day, but I'm already taking Wednesday (my birthday!) and Friday off and have too much work to get done. Work that I should be doing now instead of hanging out in here lol.

  4. #64
    Zanna's Avatar
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    It's only been a week but feels like forever. Had several days off from work - man, was it a hit or miss kind of vacation. I tried and mostly succeeded at keeping up the workouts, only missed a couple of days. Food choices weren't that great - had a bunch of days eating BBQ food and feeling like crap. Not wanting to eat more, I reach for the next best thing - drink more! I basically gave myself the entire week off to do whatever. It's going to take another week for my body to iron its self back out.

    I am starting to hate therapy. I get this awful, panicky feeling every time we go in and then we just rip each other's hearts out for an hour and try to carry on for another week. This will sound silly to some people but I love to see psychics. You can tell the ones that are bullshit, but I totally believe there are people for whom the curtain between planes is much thinner. I had one lady tat I just loved but fell out of touch when I got married and fell into a giant rabbit hole. My friend recommended this other lady, who I went to see the day before going to Florida.

    So, I've spent the last several months shelling out money for individual therapy for both of us, couples therapy, couples sex therapy (um, you suck in bed, don't make any effort, have no touch and make me feel like a creeper for wanting it - there, are we done?) etc. I don't know if there are other types of therapy, but I'm sure it will be recommended if there cause none of this shit is working. So, leave it to the psychic lady to just cut through the bullshit. I sit down, not 6 hours after a grueling sex therapy appointment. It's my 1st time seeing her. She stares at me for a few minutes - I try to just sit there, all stony-faced to see if she's going to try and make me tell her what I need to hear. She just tells me the sadness is overwhelming and we spend an hour with her making me feel better about being so desperately fucking unhappy. Key points?

    "They were broken when you got them, it's not your job to fix them and if it was, you'd fail." In reference to both husbands . . .

    "You might be ok with a sexless, lifeless relationship when you're in your 70's but are way too young to settle. It's ok to want passion. Blocking yourself off from it is going to lead to poor decisions." Jeebus, yes. The things I think about doing, lol.

    "In a year, you'll look back at this time and wonder why you waited so long to let yourself be happy." This one sticks with me - why am I wasting so much time working on things with someone I don't want to be with? Well, I did marry him so am making myself go through all of the 'right' steps. Fuck, the end result is going to be the same - maybe I like tormenting myself? I've been doing what the sex therapist said and making myself spend time doing things with the hubby - hiking, dinner etc. hubby has been happy, thinking that we are bridging the gap. I feel like a panicky mess and wanting to run, run, run. The amount of control it takes to just spend time with him without giving into despair apparently reads as 'bridging that romantic gap'. Fuck me, how can he know me so little after all of the years? It's not like I pull my punches. In fact, I have been getting downright mean to him and he keeps clinging on.

    Anyway, the psychic nails in one hour for considerably less cost than what the therapists have been slogging at for months, "you're incredibly unhappy and it's not likely to change. Start being nicer to yourself and stop giving a shit about what other people think." I don't care what plane she's on or whether she has any actual psychic ability at all. I'm done, done, done. Just have to work out the details - we rented a vacation house with friends for the 3rd week if August and I actually stopped the plan to have him move out in June because my friend gave me a guilt-trip over the vacation dynamic. *smacks self upside*

    It's funny - before I met hubby, I went to my favorite psychic with a girlfriend. I was post-divorce and gleefully single. She was married to her 2nd husband and miserable. The psychic honed in on what I thought was her, talking about how she would be ending her marriage and how much happier she'd be. Talked about how he was a child, the sex was non-existent, she had to do all of the work and pay all of the bills, while he just lazed around and spent her $$ indiscriminately. My friend was totally gobsmacked - they had issues, but not those issues. Ha, maybe she was zoning in on me.

    Since making my final decision, I've had this little voice in my head, singing 'free, free, free'. It's not going to be easy and I will lose a lot of friends who think he is such a good guy, but anyone who drops me was never a friend to begin with.
    Last edited by Zanna; 07-08-2013 at 07:15 AM.

  5. #65
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    [[hugs]] Best of luck, Z, I hope things go as smoothly as they can.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  6. #66
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    [[hugs]] Best of luck, Z, I hope things go as smoothly as they can.
    Thank you! I'm gearing up for ugly - I'd rather be prepared for the worst, but I'm hoping it goes smooth-ish.

  7. #67
    Zanna's Avatar
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    So, a post without relationship issues. Today was good! Started off with a delightful early am dream where I win a lottery. Not a huge amount, but enough where I was thinking in my dream that I could sock it away and pay for the kids' college, pay any outstanding bills and have a couple thousand left to hang out while I built up reserves. There was a tense moment where my check was less than I thought, but it shifted to getting about 18 grand in cash, with the understanding g that I would continue to get monthly payments of the same amount for a good while. Pretty awesome dream.

    Went back to work today and had a hard time focusing, but my boss called in sick which takes off pressure. Meetings got cancelled left and right, including the 4-5 pm meeting the lovely folks in AZ are always scheduling. I hate that because I always to to figure out how to get the kids to baseball etc and still make it to my workout in 30 minutes. Didn't have to deal with that today as baseball was canceled too, due to yet another bout of rain.

    Went to my weight lifting class and had a great day. It's weird - I always sweat more when I don't drink at all, but I'm still getting out all of the post birthday traces. I kinda track how my alcohol intake is by the amount I sweat in my workouts. It's been two days without so I was expecting some sweat but wow. It's running down my arms and legs in rivulets and my hair was soaked 15 minutes in. I have pretty long hair and it was soaked to the ends of my ponytail. I don't mind, sweating that much feels good but I was wondering why it was so much lately. My theory is that the dry brushing I've been doing lately has cleared off any dead skin so nothing is blocking the release of sweat. And my skin is like silk - should have done the dry brushing all along.

    Food was back to normal - eggs and bone broth gelatin for breakfast, followed by a bunch of cherries. Sardines and a grapefruit for lunch, with some dried dates and apricots. Then I did my workout, which involves a pre and post drink using the Vega powdered supplements. I love those. Dinner was an oxtail stew I made, despite the heat, with some mashed potatoes. I eat those on lifting days if I can. Just finished a hot chocolate with gelatin and am now hanging out on the porch, which is so nice after it rains. I'll get an early bedtime but am feeling awake so may spend time daydreaming before sleep comes.

    Well ok, a little bit of relationship stuff. We have our weekly sex therapy appointment tomorrow and it will be a doozy. I've been so honest about not being attracted to him and not enjoying spending time with him but he keeps hanging on. If someone I loved told me the things I've told him, I'd have been out of there a long time ago. That feeling of not being wanted would override any desire to stay. He's been really helpful with house stuff the last couple of months, knowing how pissed I was at doing all of the work, so he's trying to make himself needed. Honestly, the help has been really nice, but how do you get past feeling a sense of dread when you know you have to spend time together? The attraction isn't coming back and I've decided it's not worth staying to have such a numb existence. I feel so much lighter since coming to this and I think he is again misinterpreting the lightness as progress. It is progress for me, but not the way he wants. Well see how it goes tomorrow - he needs to start figuring out where he's going to live and how he's going to pay for it.

    I will be playing racquetball tomorrow night to beat away any residual anxiety. Thank god for racquetball.

  8. #68
    Zanna's Avatar
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    So we had our sex therapy session today. Hubby went down to our friend's house to pick up something and came back 10 minutes before we needed to leave. He said that he had a chance to talk with our friend and that he had a lot to say. I was nervous, because we were just down at his friend's house on my birthday. I have a helplessly strong attraction to friend's brother, an attraction that serves to remind me that such attractions do in fact exist, and I could enjoy that type of attraction guilt-free if I were free, but hubby has never even noticed the attraction.

    We get to the session and hubby proceeds to hold forth with his narrative of our relationship. He asked that we hold our questions til the end (seriously, he said this) and talked for a half hour straight, retreading stuff we have both said numerous times. It was important to him that he say it all at once, so I listened. Parts were flat out wrong, but its his narrative so I stayed quiet. I love the therapist - he actually doesn't brook much bullshit but he is so kind about calling you out that you keep talking. He called hubby out on the retreading and then laser-focused on me. I was honest and said that he had acted like such a child that rekindling a sexual relationship seemed impossible. Hubby said "well then, I feel like 95% of our relationship is on track and its just this 5% that is off."

    5%??? It's way more than 5%. To me, anyway. I asked him once what he liked about me - yeah, I was fishing for physical/sexual compliments. There's no shame in that - relationships should include lust. I've never known what he's drawn to because he flinches anytime I try to build something sexual. He says "I love your brain. It's what I've always loved." That's nice to hear, but I said plenty of people like my brain and I call those people friends, not lovers. It would be so much easier if things were open and I could just get my sexual needs met elsewhere. I suggested that and he refused. That would have just been a stop-gap anyway - I'd end up falling for someone else and would still need to end the relationship.

    So, food stuff. Same as yesterday, basically. Continued with the ashwagandha and basil oil today, in addition to the valerian and gelatin. No noticeable difference in getting to bed easier. My mind just will not shut up. I have moments where I know I was sleeping, but only because there are dreams involved. I basically feel like I am awake the entire time I'm in bed. My consciousness is mighty, lol.

    Played racquetball tonight - won two out of three. My form got sloppy in the last game, which means I need to better research how to keep my energy going during tournaments if I want to win. I would often flag in energy when I played tournaments before, because I cared more about being thin than fit. Tournaments can go for long stretches, where I play 4-6 hours of racquetball at high intensity per day, so I have to figure this out. He shouldn't have won that last game. Maybe make sure I have bananas and oranges to snack on? I don't know - I was just happy being skinny before so I didn't pay enough attention on how to feed my body to stay strong through several hours of playing. Might have to post a thread asking for help on that.
    Last edited by Zanna; 07-09-2013 at 08:44 PM.

  9. #69
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    Sadly, a person who thinks sex is 5% of a relationship may just not be compatible with someone who thinks sex holds a much more important place.

    The bananas and oranges sound good. Frozen berries in a small cooler. Off the court, I guess you know, but high nutrition foods like grass fed beef and wild salmon. If you have a source for decently raised pigs, pork loin is one of the best sources of protein per calorie and ounce. Cooked collards or spinach. I like collards cooked in bacon fat, but coconut oil, s&p, with a spritz of lemon is good. For spinach, I like to wilt it in olive oil (covered pan), then add garlic and tomatoes at the end. So simple, so yummy.

    When does the tournament start?
    "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

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  10. #70
    Zanna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JoanieL View Post
    Sadly, a person who thinks sex is 5% of a relationship may just not be compatible with someone who thinks sex holds a much more important place.

    The bananas and oranges sound good. Frozen berries in a small cooler. Off the court, I guess you know, but high nutrition foods like grass fed beef and wild salmon. If you have a source for decently raised pigs, pork loin is one of the best sources of protein per calorie and ounce. Cooked collards or spinach. I like collards cooked in bacon fat, but coconut oil, s&p, with a spritz of lemon is good. For spinach, I like to wilt it in olive oil (covered pan), then add garlic and tomatoes at the end. So simple, so yummy.

    When does the tournament start?
    I think you're right re: the 5%. It looks like there has always been that divide in how we approach sex. It's tied together with all sorts of intimacies in a relationship for me and is usually the last thing to go, lol. I'm a very physical, affectionate person and if the sex is shut down that leaves me feeling lonely and with no outlet. That's a dangerous thing for me to feel, especially when he seems so blind to it. Well, we have another session today and I think this one is going to start breaking down the breaking up.

    Re: food for tournaments - I know I can do the oranges and bananas but protein sources are more difficult. Eating solid food when I'm playing that hard makes me kinda nauseous. Bananas are about as solid as I can go. I did find this Vega protein powder and I think I can use that.

    Tournaments don't start until end of August/beginning of September. I'll probably be playing in one every other weekend, if possible, until the spring. They used to be all-weekend affairs, but a drop in participation has turned them into Saturday only events most of the time, which would work fine for me. I got too deep into it before and didn't leave enough room for other things.

    I think I am finally back on track with food and sleep. I had a lot of late nights in the last couple of weeks and stopped the crazy train on Saturday. Stayed up pretty late Friday, which was fun, but it was hard to motivate on Saturday. Hubby wanted to do things together but I really needed some solitude, so he went to friends' houses and I went to the gym and then hung around the pool on Saturday and Sunday. Went to bed at 9-10 the last 3 nights, even when the kids weren't home on Sat and Sun. That's usually when the wheels fall off, lol. Going to try and keep this up until the vacation we have planned for the 3rd week of August. That's going to be strange - I'm pretty sure hubby and I will be officially broken up by then but we planned this with friends who want both of us to be there. It shouldn't be a big deal - it's not like we've been 'couple-ish' for the last couple of years, but I think the finality of it will be hard for him to deal with. Just need to make it through that and then I think that's the last of our planned obligations together.

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