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Thread: Zanna's Journal page 6

  1. #51
    Zanna's Avatar
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    Primal Fuel
    Home from Florida for two days, trying to get back into schedule. Had to eat some stuff I didn't want to on vacation, but figured 5 days isn't going to kill me. Went to the swamp, a giant treehouse way up in the sky, the beach ... Saw gators, cranes, and geckos galore. And man, is property cheap down there! It's so expensive to live where I am.

    I feel pretty happy after being saturated in sun for days, but came home to clouds and rain. Sigh. Was hoping to continue the sun-drenching for a while longer, but that is not to be. The kids are going to their dad's house for 8-10 days starting tomorrow - I plan on working out like a fiend. That should help make up for lack of sun.

    Marriage counseling is going sucky. Not sure if I should post stuff here about it, but its like having your skin flayed from your bones, and just when it's comfortable to move again, it's time for another session. And I'm feeling super restless - must find something to feed the restlessness . . .

  2. #52
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    Workout time! I've gotten into decent shape over the last two years, building a lot of strength, but need to lose about 10lbs to feel good about entering racquetball tournaments in the fall. I've been afraid of exercising too much with all of the chronic cardio talk around here, but fuck it. I'm not on a treadmill.

    Got home Tuesday night and went straight from the airport to the gym and played an hour of racquetball. After a week of gentle swimming and walking, it felt great to actually be moving. Maybe that's why I love it so much - I basically just throw my body around the court with abandon. There's something about chasing that little blue ball that makes me push harder than I do otherwise. And, I won! that's even better. He was getting pissed at himself but I was just crushing it AND playing smart - the two don't often meet lol.

    Did my weight lifting class on Wednesday. My entire body was sore from racquetball - seriously, it hits muscles you didn't even know you had - but I don't care. Did weight lifting anyway. Then my sister texted me about a walk, so I did an hour of hill walking. Last night, I did a 75 minute yoga class, which was so nice. I haven't been able to do much yoga for a couple months now. Tonight, I'm playing more racquetball - I'm hoping I can get an hour and a half out of my partner this time. Hot guy that I played with before my FL vaca played for 3 hours and it was awesome.

    I have another weight class tomorrow and more walking. Sunday is totally free, so maybe I'll do some racquetball drills by myself. I have a shitload of work to do on perfecting my serves, so that would be good. Kids are gone with their dad next week so I can selfishly work out every night without worrying about getting dinner on the table. I'm curious to see if overloading on exercise has any negative effects. I just get happier and happier the more I move, maybe it's because I still have that 10 lbs to lose?

  3. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zanna View Post
    Home from Florida for two days, trying to get back into schedule. Had to eat some stuff I didn't want to on vacation, but figured 5 days isn't going to kill me. Went to the swamp, a giant treehouse way up in the sky, the beach ... Saw gators, cranes, and geckos galore. And man, is property cheap down there! It's so expensive to live where I am.

    I feel pretty happy after being saturated in sun for days, but came home to clouds and rain. Sigh. Was hoping to continue the sun-drenching for a while longer, but that is not to be. The kids are going to their dad's house for 8-10 days starting tomorrow - I plan on working out like a fiend. That should help make up for lack of sun.

    Marriage counseling is going sucky. Not sure if I should post stuff here about it, but its like having your skin flayed from your bones, and just when it's comfortable to move again, it's time for another session. And I'm feeling super restless - must find something to feed the restlessness . . .
    I found therapy to be exactly like that, too, how is it working for you? Nothing you guys can sort out without a mediator?
    Longing is the agony of the nearness of the distant

  4. #54
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    Quote Originally Posted by Derpamix View Post
    I found therapy to be exactly like that, too, how is it working for you? Nothing you guys can sort out without a mediator?
    Well, no. A mediator won't help. Basically, we had two gigantic issues. One issue was domestic. I was doing all of the cooking, cleaning, house stuff etc and I was also paying all of the bills. Months would go by without him contributing to the house, so there was a ton of resentment on my part. I was carrying the entire house on my shoulders. The 2nd issue is sex. I might be able to deal with the 1st issue if I'm with someone who can take charge and thrown it down in the bedroom, but he can't. Five years of being together and he's never said a single word to me in bed and has turned down any suggestions I made to liven things up. I offered threesomes, strip clubs, anything sexually that he might want was on the table. He never had anything he wanted and would physically shut down when I asked him what he liked or tried to tell him what I liked.

    Sooooo. I shut things down sexually in October. I was just done with trying to make something happen and was tired of being shut down. Seriously, I'd rather masturbate than have sex that unfulfilling. He woke up when I shut things down and all of a sudden wanted to work on things and make it better. The domestic stuff got better - he realized that doing chores because they need to be done is what adults do. He started doing laundry, dishes etc and became much more tolerable to live with. The problem is that I started to look at him like he was another one of my children, totally dependent on me for everything, and now the sex thing is just broken.

    He was such a child about sex that I just can't respond to him anymore. We are going to a sex therapist to try and work things out, but I simply don't feel any sexual response to him anymore. It's worse now because I've gotten myself into such good shape and my sex drive is out of control. I just don't want it with him. And he doesn't have an ounce of take-charge in him, he's totally passive. All I think about is cheating on him, which isn't good obviously. I like the way some things are domestically, but I simply can't be happy with someone if there isn't some kind of sexual charge.it sucks. I feel like such a bitch because he is now, after 5 years of shutting me out completely, wanting to start a sexual dialogue and I just feel nothing for him that way. But my sex drive is in no way diminished - I use racquetball and other athletic stuff to try and keep it in control but I can't live like this.

    So we are at a point where I have to tell him that he just can't get it done in the bedroom but I really love the way he picks up the house these days. I wish he was open to having an open relationship but he isn't. Oddly enough, the only time I've seen a sexual charge out of him is when other men pay attention to me, but he won't admit that's what he likes. He won't tell me what he likes period. I don't see a way out of this. I'm still pretty attractive and could move on, but would lose a whole community of people if we split. Sigh. Any suggestions?
    Last edited by Zanna; 06-28-2013 at 09:47 PM.

  5. #55
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    And? I'm on the porch, catching up on journals and posts. Drinking wine and smoking, enjoying my time out here. He comes out to smoke a butt and talk - I just want to smack him him and tell him to shut up. Obviously, that's not a good response from me lol. It's like the sound of his voice annoys me to action.

  6. #56
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    Oh, Zanna, I'm sorry you're going through it. But I absolutely understand the whole "his voice annoys me" thing. I actually kind of chuckled when I read it - not because you're going through a hard time, but because I've thought the same thing.
    "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

    B*tch-lite

  7. #57
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    I can only give an outsiders perspective, and I know it's easier said than done, especially with children and whatnot, but you should get out if you're not stimulated and unhappy. Especially while you're young. It's better than drudging along, or stringing each other along, when it's not a good situation. Try being unchained for a while, it'd probably do wonders for your state of mind.

    Probably would help if you broke free of someone who wears you down mentally and physically. That's no good. People are independent, or should be, as adults.
    Longing is the agony of the nearness of the distant

  8. #58
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    Quote Originally Posted by JoanieL View Post
    Oh, Zanna, I'm sorry you're going through it. But I absolutely understand the whole "his voice annoys me" thing. I actually kind of chuckled when I read it - not because you're going through a hard time, but because I've thought the same thing.
    Thanks, Joanie. It's such a hot, irrational reaction that I can't even explain - glad someone understands it.

  9. #59
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    Quote Originally Posted by Derpamix View Post


    I can only give an outsiders perspective, and I know it's easier said than done, especially with children and whatnot, but you should get out if you're not stimulated and unhappy. Especially while you're young. It's better than drudging along, or stringing each other along, when it's not a good situation. Try being unchained for a while, it'd probably do wonders for your state of mind.

    Probably would help if you broke free of someone who wears you down mentally and physically. That's no good. People are independent, or should be, as adults.
    Thanks, Derp. Sorry - you ask a simple question and I vomit up a novel lol. They aren't his kids but we've been together for 6 years and they love him. That definitely makes it harder, but when they are out of the house eventually, I'll be left with him and ugh. That sounds miserable. I wonder why I tried so hard to make this work, when there were red flags all along. Ha, red flags - more like giant banners waving in my face while I screw my eyes shut and keep at it. It's wasting his time too, for me to drag it out.

    In non-relationship updates, I blew off my weights workout today and am kinda disappointed in myself. Not disappointed enough to get off the couch, but still. Staying up late with the red wine is just not something I can do and then leap out of bed the next day. Might go for a walk with my sister later but I can make up for it by doing extra stuff tomorrow if the couch continues to sing its siren song. And there is another weight class on Monday too. At least I got in some good racquetball last night, killed my partner again. Makes me happy.

  10. #60
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    Just cause I feel blabby today - yeah, not going to walk wi my sis or do anything else. This lazy is bone deep. I'm hungry - it's 2:30 PM here and I've been hungry since 10 AM. I have food in the house - plenty of fruit, tinned sardines, ground beef in the fridge, along with a rack of lamb and a package of oxtails that will be made into stew. But not today. Today, I have been hungry and lazy, tormenting myself with Food Network porn while I continue to not make any food for myself. I keep wandering into the kitchen thinking that I'm finally ready to cook something, but nope. I'm ready to open the fridge, sigh deeply, close the fridge and go to the cabinet to get another square of chocolate.

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