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Thread: Incredible amounts of stress and now severe pain (sorry, long) page 4

  1. #31
    Ingvildr's Avatar
    Ingvildr is offline Senior Member
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    Primal Fuel
    You could be writing the story of my life. My first husband was much like your husband in that he would regularly get fired from jobs for tardies and no-shows. No home computer back then but he would go to his friends house 6 days a week until the early AM and hang out with his friends on sunday at church. Mine wasn't passive aggressive, he would just smash and punch things-not people- when he got angry. I tried going back to school and he would only watch the kids long enough for me to get back from class and go off to his friends house. I wasn't able to get enough quality study time in to be able to get my degree. I worked my butt off and constantly had bronchitis and sinus infections and pneumonia. I put up with it for ten years hoping it would get better. He would spend the rent and bill money on what were essentially toys and hobbies. Finally he got himself a girlfriend and I kicked him out. I spent five years as a single parent, but I put myself through tech college while holding down two jobs. Strangely enough I stopped getting sick all the time<insert sarcasm> even though I was working very hard. When I chose to divorce, the basic question I asked myself was whether it was going to be more harmful to myself and the kids to stay or to leave. He refused to go to counseling, he refused to negotiate with me to help our relationship, refused to get rid of his girlfriend/boyfriend(long story) and refused to get a job flat out. Then he proceeded to tell me how everything was my fault.

    I will second what everyone else is saying. Eat as well as you can, get as much rest as you can and try to schedule some kid free time to yourself. Getting regular exercise if you are feeling well enough helps a great deal towards decompressing from stress. Also remember to take time to hug your kids and let them know you love them despite the chaos. As a side note, for me vitamin D deficiency(tested at 21 when the minimum was 30) showed up for me in aching joints right after my son was born. Good luck and big hugs from someone who's been there.

  2. #32
    magnolia1973's Avatar
    magnolia1973 is online now Senior Member
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    I told him to brush his teeth and my husband started yelling at me and then was rough with the baby by holding him down and brushing his teeth to "show me" he wasn't happy.
    Oh hell no. I'd take his shit dump it on the lawn and change the locks. Being an asshole with a child to "show you". Divorce is less stressful than dealing with that shit. Especially if he can't bring home a pay check! Not worth the time spent in counseling.

    My boss went through a wicked divorce.... sometimes you just need to spend money. She went into debt to get out in terms of losing money on a house, finding a new one, child care etc. So get his ass out, hire child care (or get some help) and roll with it.

    http://maggiesfeast.wordpress.com/
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  3. #33
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    magnolia1973 is online now Senior Member
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    3. Remember men do NOT think like women, and never will. (again speaking from experience, this helps me a LOT)
    My SO is an asshole at times. We don't think alike. But it's pretty universal that you don't treat a child or animal roughly to get at your spouse unless you are an asshole of either sex. Also, most men work and contribute.

    An asshole verbally abuses their spouse while not doing housework, child care or bringing home a paycheck. That's not a "women are from venus and men are from mars" situation.

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  4. #34
    InSearchOfAbs's Avatar
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    Hey there, so sorry for everything you're going through... I don't have much to add, just wanted
    to say that I feel for you.

    The only thing I have to offer, is what someone else suggested, and that is, if you can sleep with your
    kids and eventually get some GOOD SLEEP (rather than zero sleep or sleeping light) then do it.

    I'm 44yo and my eldest is 11.

    When he was born there was no way on God's green earth that child was EVER going to sleep with
    me. I was steadfast that the minute he came home from the hospital, he was in HIS crib, in HIS room,
    NO EXCEPTIONS, NO CRADLE, no nothing. In the crib, like it or lump it.

    And that worked until he was two... whereupon he transitioned to his "toddler bed", and then all hell
    broke loose.

    Unfortunately he was afflicted with the same thing I was when I was 18mo old, and that was the ability
    to see people (even people you don't know) that have passed on.

    I didn't realize that was what was going on at first until it finally clicked and I was POSITIVE that was going
    on.

    Due to the fact that my OWN mother, when told what *I* was seeing, poo-pooed it and ended up doing NOTHING
    for me but closing her bedroom door, locking it and telling me to "get over it, it's not real", I decided right there
    and then that MY child was NEVER going to be afraid and would ALWAYS have his mother at night, no matter what.

    This went against everything I ever thought about child rearing and co-sleeping/attachment parenting, which made
    me want to vomit at the thought of it because it's just so damn smarmy. But having grown up scared to death in
    my own room in my own bed, I wasn't going to let MY BABY deal with the uncertainty and being frightened.

    All right, that is neither here nor there for you, I just wanted to say that I still sleep with my son and he's 11!

    No, not in the same bed, cuz that's whack for 11, but I sleep in a twin and so does he.. But before it started feeling
    like it might affect him in a bad way, we slept in the same bed.

    My husband and I haven't slept in the same bed for 9 years!

    My second son, now 8, sleeps with my husband because of the same reasons my first
    child sleeps with me.

    It's very odd to outsiders.. they think we're complete weirdos for sure. 4 bedroom house but only
    two bedrooms get used? Crazy right?

    Not at all.

    The bottom line is that we all sleep terrifically. I mean, REALLY REALLY WELL, and I couldn't give
    6 shits what people think!

    So eventually, if you could sleep better with your baby in a bed with you, with pillows between you and against
    the wall or WHATEVER to make it safe, girrrrrl, DO IT.

    If you have to put you and all the babies in one room so everyone sleeps through the night, do it!

    Okay, there's my story, at least about getting some sleep - and you can tell your husband that my eleven
    year old has NEVER slept through the night EVER EVER EVER!

    Cracks me up when people say "when will my 6 week old sleep through the night?"

    Yeah, well, maybe never... HAR!

    Okay, not funny, but seriously, we're sleeping better now and have been for years since
    we decided to go Crazy Unconventional.

    Sleep is VERY IMPORTANT. Can't stress that enough.

    Okay, sorry for the rant.

    I hope you get things sorted out lickety split and know that we're all thinking positive thoughts
    for you!

    Julia

  5. #35
    ShannonPA-S's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bloodorchid View Post
    it's verbal and emotional abuse

    it could be because he's an abuser or it could be because he's self centered and immature, the results are the same regardless
    You are completely right. Wow. I know he's not an abuser. He is, though, self-centered and immature.

  6. #36
    ShannonPA-S's Avatar
    ShannonPA-S is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by InSearchOfAbs View Post
    Hey there, so sorry for everything you're going through... I don't have much to add, just wanted
    to say that I feel for you.

    The only thing I have to offer, is what someone else suggested, and that is, if you can sleep with your
    kids and eventually get some GOOD SLEEP (rather than zero sleep or sleeping light) then do it.

    I'm 44yo and my eldest is 11.

    When he was born there was no way on God's green earth that child was EVER going to sleep with
    me. I was steadfast that the minute he came home from the hospital, he was in HIS crib, in HIS room,
    NO EXCEPTIONS, NO CRADLE, no nothing. In the crib, like it or lump it.

    And that worked until he was two... whereupon he transitioned to his "toddler bed", and then all hell
    broke loose.

    Unfortunately he was afflicted with the same thing I was when I was 18mo old, and that was the ability
    to see people (even people you don't know) that have passed on.

    I didn't realize that was what was going on at first until it finally clicked and I was POSITIVE that was going
    on.

    Due to the fact that my OWN mother, when told what *I* was seeing, poo-pooed it and ended up doing NOTHING
    for me but closing her bedroom door, locking it and telling me to "get over it, it's not real", I decided right there
    and then that MY child was NEVER going to be afraid and would ALWAYS have his mother at night, no matter what.

    This went against everything I ever thought about child rearing and co-sleeping/attachment parenting, which made
    me want to vomit at the thought of it because it's just so damn smarmy. But having grown up scared to death in
    my own room in my own bed, I wasn't going to let MY BABY deal with the uncertainty and being frightened.

    All right, that is neither here nor there for you, I just wanted to say that I still sleep with my son and he's 11!

    No, not in the same bed, cuz that's whack for 11, but I sleep in a twin and so does he.. But before it started feeling
    like it might affect him in a bad way, we slept in the same bed.

    My husband and I haven't slept in the same bed for 9 years!

    My second son, now 8, sleeps with my husband because of the same reasons my first
    child sleeps with me.

    It's very odd to outsiders.. they think we're complete weirdos for sure. 4 bedroom house but only
    two bedrooms get used? Crazy right?

    Not at all.

    The bottom line is that we all sleep terrifically. I mean, REALLY REALLY WELL, and I couldn't give
    6 shits what people think!

    So eventually, if you could sleep better with your baby in a bed with you, with pillows between you and against
    the wall or WHATEVER to make it safe, girrrrrl, DO IT.

    If you have to put you and all the babies in one room so everyone sleeps through the night, do it!

    Okay, there's my story, at least about getting some sleep - and you can tell your husband that my eleven
    year old has NEVER slept through the night EVER EVER EVER!

    Cracks me up when people say "when will my 6 week old sleep through the night?"

    Yeah, well, maybe never... HAR!

    Okay, not funny, but seriously, we're sleeping better now and have been for years since
    we decided to go Crazy Unconventional.

    Sleep is VERY IMPORTANT. Can't stress that enough.

    Okay, sorry for the rant.

    I hope you get things sorted out lickety split and know that we're all thinking positive thoughts
    for you!

    Julia
    Wow, Julia! What an interesting story. I totally believe you, for what it's worth! That is cool. I'm glad you have found a way to make it work for you and you kids. I asked my 4.5 year old what she would think if I just got a huge bed (a king) and had both she and the baby sleep with me. She looked at me and laughed and then said, "For real? I would love it!" The funny part is that that might have to happen at some point if we do have to move out. It would give me a way to connect with them since I'm a working mom also. My daughter is very anxious also, so I think it would actually be nice. Though, she is a very active sleeper, so I'm not sure if she'd get too wild!

  7. #37
    kiks's Avatar
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    oh wow, that sounds super stressful! Right now it is important to take the time to take care of yourself in this little time you have before your new job begins. Make sure you sleep often - very important! And while you aren't eating primally now, start incorporating good fats and limiting the bad carbs right away...baby steps are good. Changing everything all at once is a stress in itself.

    I do think that your body is deficient in important nutrients right now, especially since you went through so much stress in the past year and your vitamin D may be low. Make sure to spend 10min at least out in the sun each day as well as your feet in the grass like someone else mentioned...start this tomorrow i say. In the past month I have made sure to sleep better and it has helped me immensely...and I have also made sure to go out in the sun 15min a day and i do feel better with this.
    I too think you should look for a part-time nanny or babysitter, if i was you i would send the kids to the inlaws for the next week....or try a daycare for the time being, so you can get the much needed rest. As for your husband, you should insist he goes out and gets a job. You are too kind; i would have already thrown at least a game controller outside and smashed it to prove how pissed i was with his game-playing. I respect a partner's likes and hobbies, but this is ridiculous. It is an addiction. He certainly needs helps, but he needs to acknowledge his faults here, otherwise no one can help him. Have you ever mentioned separation to him?

    As for the pain you have been feeling in your joints, etc, I have noticed come Spring i have felt joints cracking more, and stuff like that...i think the seasons play a role in this...get your nutrients and your sleep - your body needs to heal. And protein is helpful for your muscles, so eat that seafood you are craving. Good luck and keep us updated.

  8. #38
    ShannonPA-S's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by magnolia1973 View Post
    My SO is an asshole at times. We don't think alike. But it's pretty universal that you don't treat a child or animal roughly to get at your spouse unless you are an asshole of either sex. Also, most men work and contribute.

    An asshole verbally abuses their spouse while not doing housework, child care or bringing home a paycheck. That's not a "women are from venus and men are from mars" situation.
    Maggie, you are funny and so right on.

    I know, in this day and age, sometimes the woman is the "breadwinner." But the man usually contributes. Once again, I asked him last night if he planned on getting a job and he said, "I haven't found any I like." So apparently he looked at least (though I doubt it).

    I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow and I need to talk to her about this situation. He is an ass at times, though at other times, not. He is passive aggressive though. Instead of communicating, he will blow up and do stupid shit like he did with brushing the baby's teeth. He was mad I asked him to brush his teeth. It's like a child stomping his feet and saying, "But I don't wannaaa!!!" I made french onion soup today (a la my daughter's request) and he said, "I can't believe you make the house so hot and smelly. It's ridiculous. I told you that you have no common sense and it shows because you're making soup on a hot day." It's just those type of things that beat on and on like a drum. It makes me so sad. I am looking for a way out. I am going to ask my therapist for a divorce lawyer, as I've heard some of the best referrals are from therapists.

  9. #39
    InSearchOfAbs's Avatar
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    Well, if it helps you make the jump, we have an Eastern King in the master bedroom
    and all three boys sleep in there, if, heaven forbid, I go visit my mother and spend the
    night.

    THE HORROR!

    An eastern king is way wider, while a california king is longer.

    My 6'2 husband, 11yo and 8yo sleep in there perfectly with nary
    an objection..... And that's saying something, trust me.

    I hear you with the Active Sleeper! That's where the pillows came
    in handy between my first son and I when he was 5.

    Also, separate bedding too.

    So I slept with my own comforter on my side, and he slept with his
    own on his side.

    My husband and son do this now as well in the same bed.

    Works great and ZERO cover pulling/tugging.

    We're not OCD bed makers in this family, so the way it looks
    when you get out of bed, is the way it looks when you get in it.

    It works to have this one thing fall by the wayside......

    Anyway, yes, I think it would make your daughter way less anxious
    as well. Knowing that she was going to be able to fall asleep next
    to mommy is a fantastic feeling.. cuz Mommies thwart all evil, right? RIGHT!

    My son will be starting the 6th grade in August (which makes ME very anxious
    and palms sweaty even to type it) so I know our dorm room situation will be
    short lived, which is a little saddening, however, I know I've done everything
    in my power to make him feel secure and nurtured at night, and HOPEFULLY
    he carries that feeling into adulthood.. which I never had.

    But I'm not bitter, noooooooo, NOT ME! HA!

    All righty Shannon, I hope you guys get it all figured out. Do what you need to do
    for you and your kids.

    Nothing else matters!

    Julia

  10. #40
    magicmerl's Avatar
    magicmerl is online now Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by ShannonPA-S View Post
    Maggie, you are funny and so right on.

    I know, in this day and age, sometimes the woman is the "breadwinner." But the man usually contributes. Once again, I asked him last night if he planned on getting a job and he said, "I haven't found any I like." So apparently he looked at least (though I doubt it).

    I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow and I need to talk to her about this situation. He is an ass at times, though at other times, not. He is passive aggressive though. Instead of communicating, he will blow up and do stupid shit like he did with brushing the baby's teeth. He was mad I asked him to brush his teeth. It's like a child stomping his feet and saying, "But I don't wannaaa!!!" I made french onion soup today (a la my daughter's request) and he said, "I can't believe you make the house so hot and smelly. It's ridiculous. I told you that you have no common sense and it shows because you're making soup on a hot day." It's just those type of things that beat on and on like a drum. It makes me so sad. I am looking for a way out. I am going to ask my therapist for a divorce lawyer, as I've heard some of the best referrals are from therapists.
    Marriages can survive most things, but when one party has contempt for the other, that's the kiss of death.

    I'm sorry abouy what you are going through.
    Disclaimer: I eat 'meat and vegetables' ala Primal, although I don't agree with the carb curve. I like Perfect Health Diet and WAPF Lactofermentation a lot.

    Griff's cholesterol primer
    5,000 Cal Fat <> 5,000 Cal Carbs
    Winterbike: What I eat every day is what other people eat to treat themselves.
    TQP: I find for me that nutrition is much more important than what I do in the gym.
    bloodorchid is always right

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