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Thread: Opening up and holding back: the push and pull of love page

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    YogaBare's Avatar
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    Opening up and holding back: the push and pull of love

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    Is it true that if women hold back initially in a relationship, when they eventually open up the guy pulls back?

    A male friend told me that he's starting to cool off towards his partner of 10 months, and it followed this exact pattern. She held back for most of the relationship, and as soon as she started to open up, he felt his desire for her waning.

    Is it just the case that if a man experiences this, then he was more infatuated with the uncertainty of the relationship than with the woman herself? Or does the woman's attempts for self protection actually create an unnatural distance that establishes the relationship as a conquest, rather than an experience of two people falling in love?

    What do you folks think?
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

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    magnolia1973's Avatar
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    I think if she "held back" that perhaps what she is sharing of herself now is not attractive to him. You learn about people over time.

    I actually watch my neighbor and her representation of herself versus who she really is. She presents herself as easy going, laid back girl to men. Very submissive and sweet. The reality is that she is a majorly aggressive woman, strong willed and assertive. I imagine 3 months in, guys start to see this and move on because they want a sweet girl.

    I don't think it is the act of opening up, just more related to revealing incompatibility.

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    Quote Originally Posted by YogaBare View Post
    Is it true that if women hold back initially in a relationship, when they eventually open up the guy pulls back?

    A male friend told me that he's starting to cool off towards his partner of 10 months, and it followed this exact pattern. She held back for most of the relationship, and as soon as she started to open up, he felt his desire for her waning.

    Is it just the case that if a man experiences this, then he was more infatuated with the uncertainty of the relationship than with the woman herself? Or does the woman's attempts for self protection actually create an unnatural distance that establishes the relationship as a conquest, rather than an experience of two people falling in love?

    What do you folks think?
    Thinking back on my last relationship... I can remember in the beginning when I made myself less available, my ex was more interested. He was always wanting to see me, talk to me or text me. As time went by, I got used to it and made my schedule open to him all the time (that's what I thought he wanted). I think I started putting all my focus on him and lost interest in my hobbies and other social things. Eventually I was the one doing all the chasing. He always seemed more interested in me when I had other things going on.

    They say that a man enjoys the hunt. I definitely learned my lesson! I have also grown up a lot since then.

    I think that both people have to be ready to fall in love, emotionally and mentally.

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    Omni's Avatar
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    It's a very primal thing.
    No one really want's to eat that fish that floated up infront of you just flailing in a half hearted manner, got to be something wrong with it, we want the fit fighting one that has no intention of being eaten.

    Had a friend a while back, she had a happy easy going life, everything was great, then the body clock kicked in and time was ticking, she became so desperate she was latching onto anything and the guys were just running in the other direction.

    It's about finding that balance, you have to open your life to make room for someone else to share your space, but there has to be some degree of seperation and different interests so that you can each bring new things to the table, we all need some time alone and if the other half has let everything go to be your adornment, then it's ok for a little while, but wears thin very quickly and contempt follows shortly afterwards.

    Personally I like to look at it as a partnership, shared decision making when required and equal input expected and every now and then like an AGM you need to come back to the table and renegotiate the terms of engagement and shore up future directions, this is where most fail, they go too long without talking about the hard stuff and just grow apart.
    "There are no short cuts to enlightenment, the journey is the destination, you have to walk this path alone"

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    YogaBare's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by magnolia1973 View Post
    I think if she "held back" that perhaps what she is sharing of herself now is not attractive to him. You learn about people over time.

    I actually watch my neighbor and her representation of herself versus who she really is. She presents herself as easy going, laid back girl to men. Very submissive and sweet. The reality is that she is a majorly aggressive woman, strong willed and assertive. I imagine 3 months in, guys start to see this and move on because they want a sweet girl.

    I don't think it is the act of opening up, just more related to revealing incompatibility.
    Very insightful.

    Quote Originally Posted by Omni View Post
    Personally I like to look at it as a partnership, shared decision making when required and equal input expected and every now and then like an AGM you need to come back to the table and renegotiate the terms of engagement and shore up future directions, this is where most fail, they go too long without talking about the hard stuff and just grow apart.
    That's very true, and also very insightful. Even in friendships, if you never work through things: if it's only ever "smooth sailing", or ignoring issues then the friendship doesn't grow.
    "I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

    In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

    - Ray Peat

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    Maybe the fascination is tied to the mystery?

    Or maybe tied to the reward?

    If something is more difficult to obtain, the anticipation for obtaining this reward is deemed of greater value?

    If something is easy to obtain, requiring little work, then maybe the reward is experienced as with lesser value?

    Beats me....this is not my field of expertise.

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    I think it can be true.

    I also think that some people can't get past the initial romance phase (relationships do change over time). And that sometimes people go through what magnolia talks about. And that sometimes it's the other way around, and etc.

    Honestly, it just depends.

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