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Thread: q re: OT personal, embarassing matter

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  1. #1
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    q re: OT personal, embarassing matter

    I bring this humiliating matter here because I can't bring myself to ask anyone I actually know. I bring this here knowing I'm exposing myself to a world of abuse but honestly, no one will probably tell me anything I haven't already told myself.

    I've had (or attempted) sexual relations with five men in the last five years. Three of them were sexually dysfunctional to the point of normal intercourse being impossible. That's 60% of the men I try to have sex with being unable to achieve or maintain an erection or unable to ejaculate via intercourse. Is that a normal rate or do I need to face the possibility that it's me?

    They were all between 35-45 years old, if that matters.

    Self-assessment of my sexual desirability: I'm no Kate Upton but I'm not fugly. I have little trouble finding a partner when I want one and the feedback is that I'm "attractive"*, but it just goes downhill once the clothes come off. A significant weight gain followed by significant weight loss wrecked my boobs and I'm very self-conscious about that. This was very rarely a problem before the weight gain but I was having sex with younger men then.

    I'd love to believe it's a combination of bad luck and the aging of my pool of available sexual partners, but I can't avoid the evidence in front of my face. 60% of men are physically incapable of doing me.

    Feedback? I'd ask you to be honest but sensitive, but I get that this is the internet and accept that I'm chumming the waters.

    *I use this word because this is the word men most often use to describe my appearance to me. For all I know "attractive" is code for "you're fugly but I don't have anything else to do right now."
    Last edited by Violette_R; 05-11-2013 at 02:10 PM.

  2. #2
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    Coincidence.

  3. #3
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    I agree with eKatherine.

    Advice: go Italian. I've yet to meet one from ages 25 to 67 who couldn't get the job done. LOL. Maybe not always with a lot of skill, but all the parts work.

    (I'm of Sicilian descent, but that is still just an observation.)
    "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine

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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by JoanieL View Post
    Advice: go Italian. I've yet to meet one from ages 25 to 67 who couldn't get the job done. LOL.

    (I'm of Sicilian descent, but that is still just an observation.)
    she's right. my family is originally from naples and I've been known to get the job done...

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Violette_R View Post
    I have little trouble finding a partner when I want one and the feedback is that I'm "attractive"*, but it just goes downhill once the clothes come off. A significant weight gain followed by significant weight loss wrecked my boobs and I'm very self-conscious about that.
    I had the same thing happen to me (not multiple times, but that's just luck of the draw) because a guy I dated was used to women who just plain had incredibly hot bodies. He was totally dating out of his league with them, and he was miserable because their personalities weren't quite so "pretty", but that's just what he was used to seeing.

    I look pretty decent when I'm clothed, but I have two grown sons, and one of them LITERALLY drank 12oz of milk at a time when he was a month old. I have B cups and nursed, so you can see how much damage that would cause. I'm not disfigured or anything, but no one is going to confuse me with a 20-something in a wet t-shirt contest, if you catch my drift.

    He really tried to make it work (either way you look at it) but it wasn't happening. I decided to quit the relationship because I need someone who really wants me. I feel like I owe myself that.

    I broke up with him, and later met The Boyfriend (who is actually 6 years older than the other guy). He is happy with how I look, even finding me attractive after a couple of head injuries threw about 30 pounds onto my belly.

    Long story short, you just had an incredible string of bad luck. Unless you're hanging out at bodybuilding competitions, most men are WAY less concerned about a woman having a perfect body.
    My sorely neglected blog - http://ThatWriterBroad.com

  6. #6
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    I think you've had bad luck. Any dude who seriously wants to get laid will do it, barring mechanical/health issues with himself. My partner played the pool quite a bit in high school and the basic rules are "is conscious, has consented, has boobs & vagina. Go."

    And when I say "has boobs", it really doesn't matter what type.
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  7. #7
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    Violette, I believe it is a coincidence. A girl would have to be very ugly for a guy to lose his sex drive - especially when he could get a picture of what she looks like even when she has her clothes on, and he went for it.

    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    I think you've had bad luck. Any dude who seriously wants to get laid will do it, barring mechanical/health issues with himself. My partner played the pool quite a bit in high school and the basic rules are "is conscious, has consented, has boobs & vagina. Go."

    And when I say "has boobs", it really doesn't matter what type.
    Hearing from guys online and offline, and knowing myself, I can say this: Guys are actually not so picky with what a girl looks like. Especially not in online dating, where women are absolutely more picky with what men look like. Women complain about "super models setting impossible standards," but when do they ever hear guys talk about "super models"? They are not what a normal guy would pick, especially not with that avian look they get from taking weight-loss pills. (Look at porn, which actually has to cater to a normal male audience; the women look different.) It has always seemed like a cop-out to me. Guys don't complain like that about Chris Evans ... but I digress.

    To get back on topic: the one thing guys want to see in a woman's body is a waistline. They will not say that though, because it is too obvious for them to have thought of. A waistline is the sine qua non for a woman's body to look attractive. It doesn't have to look great, it just has to be noticeable.

    Kind of like what I have heard women say about men's muscles: it is not necessary that they look great, they just need to be at least noticeable.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Erik W View Post
    To get back on topic: the one thing guys want to see in a woman's body is a waistline. They will not say that though, because it is too obvious for them to have thought of. A waistline is the sine qua non for a woman's body to look attractive. It doesn't have to look great, it just has to be noticeable.
    The only people who have ever commented on my small waist were other women.

  9. #9
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    To my understanding, a lot of erectile dysfunction issues are rooted in subconscious mental problems...anxiety, self esteem troubles, etc. It could very well be that you're drawn to these types of men on a subconscious level as well, and that's why 3 of your last 5 mates have had performance problems.

    If a guy's at the point where he wants to get naked with you, he's already consciously made the decision. Every guy I know that I've talked about sex and relationships with has said they know fairly accurately what a woman's undressed form will look like well before they ever see her naked. Perfect or (likely) not, if they get to the point of having sex with you, they aren't fazed by the prospect of a pair of less-than-stellar breasts.

    Do you have a specific 'type' of man that you tend to gravitate towards when choosing a mate? If so, try something new - go for the one you may not have considered before. I certainly agree with the others, though - it's not at all because there's anything wrong with you if these men have been interested enough to progress the relationship to the point of wanting to sleep with you.

  10. #10
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    Mmm. I am thinking either total co-incidence or something you are doing or saying that is making them feel insecure/off. If you are seemingly uncomfortable/shy/nervous/whatever, it could psych them out. Not looks, I don't think that would make a difference at all. confidence building would help a lot I think. But what do I know?
    Started Primal June 2012 at 148.5lbs, and 5' 1", reached goal weight in 5 months.
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