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Thread: Naiadknight's chronicles page 586

  1. #5851
    Twibble's Avatar
    Twibble is offline Senior Member
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    Primal Fuel
    I'm about to leave to go get munchkins in your direction. Want me to bring you some chorizo we have in the freezer, or are you picky about which type?
    Most people don't realize how much energy it takes for me to pretend to be normal.

    If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I'd fart.

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  2. #5852
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    I'm somewhat picky about type, and we're going out to eat here in a few hours anyways. I'll just IF until then. My ear seems to be clearing up and and I don't want to eat something that'll piss it off again.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  3. #5853
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    I love a HOT epsom salt bath (the kind where you start sweating the instant you sit down) but I'm always weak as sin getting out. I know that probably dehydration and not so much on toxin removal, but I still love those baths. Doesn't hurt that they get things moving, clear up neck pain if it's bugging me, and after the weakness is gone, I generally fell pretty damn good. It also seems to have helped convince my ears to clear up. I also didn't wash my hair, just rinsed it and scrubbed my scalp with my fingers under the water. No clue how it looks, though, because it's still wet.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  4. #5854
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    jenn26point2 is offline Senior Member
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    I was going to ask you how work is today, but I see you took the day off. I hope your ear feels better by tomorrow and that work doesn't suck.
    Primal since March 5, 2012
    SW: 221 | CW: 182 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)




  5. #5855
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    Well, mental health/ barometric pressure day's over. Slept like shit last night, kept waking up convinced I'd missed my alarm, or from a shitty dream, or just couldn't get comfortable.
    TMI: Something's gurgling and pressurizing in there, but not wanting to come out yet. Grrrr.
    I don't want to go to work. I'll prob be there Sat, too, to make up time because I'm still in my 90 trial period and therefor not worthy of sick time. I want one of these jobs to come through so badly, so I can just turn in my letter of resignation and smile as I waltz out the door. I guess I need an interview invite first, though. It's hard to prove I'm worthy of this shitty job when there's not any programming to be done. Given what they want, it's impossible to keep them happy. I jump every time I hear Boss or Owner say something, esp my name, fearing they're calling me in to fire me. In a way, I want them to fire me, just so this sword of Damocles is gone. But I'll keep trying to meet their ridiculous expectations until I can tell 'em to fuck off, because I need the money. This has all the hallmarks of a job to quit, but I need the money too badly. I fucking HATE money.
    Geek's refusing to move short of both of us being unemployed with no prospects. Glad that got cleared up. He knows how hopeless it is here for me. Finding a job for someone with my resume (mostly public service engineering or consultant to local cities) is nigh impossible. I broke down and applied for several jobs where I know they'll work me into the ground (with oil companies), but anything has to be better than the sword of fucking Damocles and an impossible situation and at least the oil companies will pay me what I'm worth, as opposed to the circus peanuts I'm getting here. I know he'd move over to the client company if things got really desperate, and that would at least partially solve our money woes, but they'd work him to death because he'd be the only person in the area who does what he does. This means denied vacation time, extra field time, and all that unless he cn get them to hire on someone to help him.
    I've thought daily about getting back into prayer and faith. Not in any specific deity, and especially not in the Christian deity that left me to die in HS, but finally acknowledging that believe in more than this earth. Not worship, by any stretch of the imagination, because homie don' play that. Just something to help get my mind clear and all those bennies one gets with a deity or higher power. That requires retraction of my agnosticism, though, and actually admitting that I think something's tinkering in my life here. Well, see my sig for my take on that. Any deity or deities there may be are blind, deaf, and dumb, and sit there like a rock even when you beseech them for help. That's why I gave up on faith. It's hard to pray to wall. I have faith in what my senses tell me, the normal 5 + my gifts. My senses tell me there's something out there, sitting and watching, encouraging, but not helping or interfering. Rationality tells me to believe in the original 5 and "no fate but what we make." More than a little confusing.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  6. #5856
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    Sometimes praying to anything or whatever with not having to say "Dear Lord" is a good thing. I think just getting your hopes, fears, frustrations out of your mouth is a sign of healing. As John Lennon said about faith, "Whatever gets you through the night" everyone has their right to believe in what they believe. Before I became a Christian, I used to through out prayers without giving a name to whatever it was I was praying for. I really believe just getting it out of your mouth helps.
    Georgette

  7. #5857
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    namelesswonder is online now Moderator
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    Hmm, I know that feeling on faith. I grew up Orthodox Christian, church pretty much every Sunday till 13 or so. Then I started to get angry. I started to question. My parents took the wrong approach and tried to make me go, got angry right back at me. I started reading about Wicca and get wrapped up in the aesthetic of it, mostly. It held me over for many years, till I stopped thinking about "the beyond" pretty much altogether.

    I'm very much a visual person. I learn well by seeing. All I see around me is the natural world and what we've done to it. I can't help but be drawn to the beauty in nature, so a modern pagan lifestyle is very appealing to me, but I can't say I really believe in anything beyond what I know. I love, I think, I feel, those are things I can put faith in.
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    Quote Originally Posted by naiadknight View Post
    That requires retraction of my agnosticism, though, and actually admitting that I think something's tinkering in my life here.
    Not necessarily. I was really into reading TH Huxley's writings on agnosticism in HS, and there is no single strain of agnosticism: agnosticism demands proof before faith, the empirical rather than the mystical. But there are those agnostics who would argue that a deity or spiritual force is unknowable by scientific means; we can neither exclude such an unknowable nor argue its existence. One could be an agnostic theist or a weak agnostic, e.g.

    If you literally believe that Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt, that would contradict logic and science. But one can read religious texts as metaphor as well. Karen Armstrong (former nun, amazing writer on Christianity and other faiths - very highly recommended) wrote a short book titled In the Beginning that explores the ides of literalism vs. metaphor in Genesis. I would also recommend Elaine Pagels very highly (The Origin of Satan), as a writer who would open new ways of understanding Christianity in particular.

    It seems to me there is a cycle in many people's lives, of religious inculcation in youth; questioning, rebellion, and turning away as one seeks to define one's self; entering the world and disillusionments that follow; a return to some form of spirituality. This may or may not mean the return to the religious belief one was raised with, but if it is that faith is seen as more complex and more deeply nuanced.

    Spirituality need not be divorced of reason. Poetry explains things mathematics cannot, and vice versa.

  9. #5859
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    I grew up Christian, but the specific variety changed several times. I was baptized Lutheran, spent my preschool/ early school years in a nondenominational sect (I actually got the only Bible I own when I "graduated" kindergarten from that church.) Then we went to my grandparents' Episcopalian church from then out.
    Up until late middle school, I was the perfect little Christian girl, albeit a bit less faithful than most. During 8th grade, I started asking questions. Most of them, I figured a true believe could answer, like how the Triune existed (how could you father yourself?) and questioning the virgin birth. I got kicked out of youth group in 9th or 10th grade for "leading others away" by turning a youth meeting into an open debate. I was still trying to be Christian, but I kept getting "faith" as an answer, which I didn't consider to be a real answer. I even went to the archbishop of the diocese (he was actually our reverend) and got "faith" as a final answer. I started exploring other options, not fully leaving Christianity, just exploring. I was confirmed Episcopalian later that year, mostly to keep my grandparents happy. By that time, I was fully entrenched in religious research and turning more towards paganism. I ran a few spells and worship ceremonies, felt kinda silly, and dropped that. I started assembling my own belief structure, cobbled together from what felt right from all the various faiths I studied. I pulled from almost all of them, matter of fact, even Christianity. During this time, I had the Night of My Promise, and turned away from Christianity completely, believing that a loving god such as they tout would not have let me get as far as I did. Most of HS, I was a closet pagan agnostic. I wasn't sure if there was a god, but if there was, there were more than one and most likely of the Greek and Norse pantheons. I even named my first computer Loki, in honor of the deity I felt to be most involved in my life. (Yes, every incarnation since then has been a variation of Loki. Right now, he's Loghe.)
    In college, I met Wiccans. Most of them, including the one I roomed with, were batshit crazy. I dropped Wiccanism (I didn't feel the Him/ Her thing anyways) and went more towards naturalism and Buddhism. I developed rites of my own to commune with whatever deities and spirits there were. I worshiped Loki and Freya almost exclusively for a while. I dropped everything for awhile, feigning atheism. I realized that I did believe something was out there, but I had no clue what he/ she/ it/ they was/ were. I started referencing it as the Universe or The All, borrowed from my Wiccan days. After watching Firefly, that got shortened to the 'Verse. From a literary perspective, I quite liked that, as though I was but one verse in a very long and intricate song sung by the Universe. I realized at some point during all this that I thought every religion was a facet of the great everything. They had parts right and parts wrong, kinda like looking at only on face of a diamond doesn't give you it's real shape. I still wasn't sure what I believed, but I was better than when I started. A few months ago, I got back on a religious studies kick. I think I'm closer to my version of the truth than I was 13-15 years ago when I started this journey, but I'm still not there yet. I'm still not comfortable with prayer in that connotation, because I got so many years of a deaf ear. There's a short story that sums up much of what I believe, but that's not all of it. Like I said, I pulled a lot of it from a lot of different faiths and cobbled it together into a Frankenfaith that works for me. I'm still unsure if whatever deity(ies) there are interfere with my life or if it truly is "no fate but what we make." I do know I dreamed of Geek all the way back to when I was 8 or 9, maybe even before then. I do know it occasionally feels like the deity(ies) put me into a fucked up situation that wasn't originally there, but whether to teach me a lesson or because I make good tv, I have no clue.
    Faith is a tricky animal for me. I know there's something out there, because something's kept an eye out for me all these years (god watches over drunkards, small children, and clumsy folk.) That's not faith to me, I've seen evidence in my own life that something's keeping me alive and mostly unharmed, even when I should be dead. Faith is when that turns into more than what I've seen with my own eyes and believing he/ she/ it/ they'll hear and do what I ask. I am an engineer, a scientist. My god is logic, my goddess is trial and error. To believe in what is not proven to me is foreign. I might as well be from Missouri: show me and I might believe you, if I can't disprove it.
    I've tried the Unnamed God (what book was that?) I've tried the 'Verse. Each time (with a few exceptions, I'll admit) it feels like I'm talking to myself, like no one hears me. So I go back to what I know and bury the idea of faith until I get back to it. If I could replicate the conditions where I felt like I was heard, I would. But they were all in completely different situations, places, and emotions. The common thread was that I was on what I considered holy ground, because I could feel the power in the area. I need to figure out how to keep holy space with me, but I don't know that it works that way, I think it works more that I pull power from the holy ground and send it out into the 'Verse to bring about the solution.
    That's a peek into my brain. There's much more going on, but that's a glimpse.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  10. #5860
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    I've been praying for something for over a year now. If I am blessed with it, awesome, if not, I'm thankful for what I have. If it helps you any, before God spoke to Moses and told him what He was to be called the righteous and holy just prayed to the god of the universe (if I understand that correctly). That's why the idol worshipers had trouble accepting God, because their gods had names. That's why they would say the god of Abraham or the god of Jacob. I agree with Geo, it helps just to verbalize whatever you have going on. I think of it as talking to a friend and I think that's how it's supposed to be thought of, IMHO.
    If I just said LOL, I lied. Do or do not. There is no try.

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