Naiad, I hope things are going better for you now that your dh is home. You've had such a terrible time the last several weeks, and I hope life will give you the chance to exhale -- and know you can trust the exhale.
Sometimes you need to be told the truth in order to be able to see it.
I see grain people...
Exist in shadow, drifting away.
I'm going to need to go back to Dallas within the next couple weeks to visit my grandmother. Definitely not looking forward to that. Visiting my mother is toxic enough, throw in an older, bitchier, needier version and I don't last very long. I know I need to do it before she bites it because otherwise I'll be kicking myself about it for quite awhile afterward.
I did some introspection earlier today while working (back burner thoughts FTW!) and made some serious realizations about my relationship with my mom. I've known for a while that she's the type of person where if it doesn't serve her directly and she's not indirectly the center of attention, she's not interested. Hence my experiences when I was much younger, it didn't do any good to her directly to provide for us emotionally. She's not above emotional blackmail. I think what'll be best for both of us in the long run, although wreak havoc in the short term, is if I refuse, point blank, to play into her scheming manipulation. If I don't play by the rules of her games and actually use reality to my advantage, rather than trying to play it to her own little world, she may realize that her tricks have lost their power. I've done a mini version of this once before and it worked remarkably well, but it takes a shit ton of courage. I rarely directly stood up to her for fear of her going off the deep end; what I'm planning on doing now is tantamount to high treason and extortion. Strap in folks, it's gonna be a bumpy ride. I'm tired of the drama, tired of the manipulation, tired of the self- serving bullshit. I ain't takin' this shit no mo' (pronounced in your best middle of the ghetto voice.) A house divided can not stand, and I think the best way to save my family, their sanity, my mother, and myself is to pull her head out of her ass and shove her nose in reality. And the best way to do that is to complete refuse to play her games. Here we go....
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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I can relate to the issues w/your mother. And I support you completely.
Without going into my own issues, the day I recognized my mother for what she is, who she is and how she is, I was able to live my life with much more happiness and completeness. Because I stopped trying to play her game.
I hope you find the same peace.
Hugs & strength.
Even if you fall flat on your face, at least you're moving forward!
FWIW, my father died in April, never having pulled his head out.We had little contact in the months preceding his death because I wouldn't play his games and he couldn't honor my boundaries.
In this case, judging on past experience, not playing her game may pull her head out. If it does, great. If it doesn't, it just means she can't fuck around with my head and emotions anymore. It's a win- win situation. "If you want to play the game, boy/ You gotta learn to play it right// You gotta know when to hold 'em/Know when to fold'em/ Know when to walk away/ Know when to run." I'll end up on top either way. I just need to stick to my guns and not weenie out on this.
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Lunch- Chicken Korma frozen dinner. Ignored the rice (in a separate compartment), the only bad thing in there was canola oil, and that was pretty far down on the list.
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I agree. I know however, from experience, sticking to one's guns is often easier said than done.
I'm pulling for you.
Dinner- Philly innards on kale, spinach, avocado, asparagus, and tomato. Acorn squash steamed an mashed with butter, cream, cinnamon, nutmeg, and vanilla extract.
1) No more added sugar with the exception of 70% or higher chocolate (This includes honey). No more wheat/ rice/ yadayadayada either.
2)Sledgehammer every weekday unless sick. No exceptions.
Did a 3/4 batch, got dizzy halfway through my second set of two. I think it's from lack of sleep.
3) Sprint every week for at least 20 min of combined sprint/ rest.
Was intending to do that after sledgehammer. Obviously, that didn't happen.
4) More vegetation in the diet (at least 5 svg/ day)
Kale, spinach, bell pepper, onion, acorn squash, and a couple other things. Definitely hit that limit
5) Maintain carbs at 50-75g most days.
Came in at 102 g. It's really rare to top the 100 g mark for me.
6) Maintain at least 7 hours of sleep a night. Not 7 hours a night averaged between 15 hrs on weekends and 5 during the week but 7-9 NIGHTLY.
3.5Goddammed fucking fan wasn't designed for the stiff wires of an older house.
7) Play/ relax more. The world won't end if I'm not stressed out.
I'm not as stressed as I was, does that count? Didn't really try to vegetate earlier.
8) At least 3, preferably 7 hours, heavy thought/ meditation/ psyche rebuilding per week.
See earlier post. That was back burner work, so I have no clue how long I thought about it.
Avoid Poison and trauma.
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you are a strong, strong woman, naiad. way to take charge.
HANDS OFF MY BACON :: my primal journal