Naiadknight's chronicles page 38

[naiadknight]

Heh. I found last night....

[naiadknight]

Dinner was an ongoing event after I got past the nausea. SIL called while I was prepping for dinner. Wanted to go to a local Thai restaurant. Went and got something with a lot of veggies, 4 kinds of meat, and minimal soy sauce. Hopefully no sugar hidden there, probably shoyu instead of tamari. Went back to their place, showed SIL and MIL how to make flourless crepes, ate a couple of those and some berries. Came home, finished making the soup, and am polishing off a bowl right now.
1) No more added sugar with the exception of 70% or higher chocolate (This includes honey). No more wheat/ rice/ yadayadayada either.
Possibly some sugar and wheat in the sauce at the restaurant, but very minimal.
2)Sledgehammer every weekday unless sick. No exceptions.
Sick
3) Sprint every week for at least 20 min of combined sprint/ rest.
sick
4) More vegetation in the diet (at least 5 svg/ day)
Zucchini, carrot, celery, onion, more onion, and the stir fry. If I didn't make 5 svg of veggies, I came close.
5) Maintain carbs at 50-75g most days.
56 today, mostly the almond and coconut flours.

6) Maintain at least 7 hours of sleep a night. Not 7 hours a night averaged between 15 hrs on weekends and 5 during the week but 7-9 NIGHTLY.
7 hrs last night, + 4 hr nap.
7) Play/ relax more. The world won't end if I'm not stressed out.
Spent my day vegging, albeit sick vegging.
8) At least 3, preferably 7 hours, heavy thought/ meditation/ psyche rebuilding per week.
Not the way I'm physically feeling. That's asking to be broadsided.
Avoid Poision and trauma.
Poison? Aside from possible issues with the sauce, yes. Trauma? We'll see what kind of trauma this crap caused in the morning.

[cillakat]

Good news: Thai food doesn't use soy sauce. Ever.

I hope you're feeling better love.


K

[NoSaladWithoutMeat]

Really?!

Thai fooooooooooodddddddddzzzzzzz.... Wait, they have weird mango-peanut sauces right? That's weird!

[naiadknight]

1) No more added sugar with the exception of 70% or higher chocolate (This includes honey). No more wheat/ rice/ yadayadayada either.
Yep. Lunch was leftover chicken zucchini noodle soup and dinner was beef heart taco salad had 2 or 3 pieces of the Hershey's almond dark chocolate nuggets at work.
2)Sledgehammer every weekday unless sick. No exceptions.
Only 8 min because I'm still out of it from yesterday.
3) Sprint every week for at least 20 min of combined sprint/ rest.
I really need to get around to doing that this week....
4) More vegetation in the diet (at least 5 svg/ day)
Maybe 1 svg total in the soup between the zucchini, carrots and celery. Dinner had a spring mix, 1/4 green bell, 1 jalapeno, 1 serrano, 6 cloves of garlic and half a tomato. 1 apple, 1 svg berries
5) Maintain carbs at 50-75g most days.
Hmm... I'm aiming for a baked apple desert with pecans, berries, and cinnamon in a few minutes, so that should bring me up to 60 carbs.

6) Maintain at least 7 hours of sleep a night. Not 7 hours a night averaged between 15 hrs on weekends and 5 during the week but 7-9 NIGHTLY.
I really need to get better at this. 5.5 hrs.
7) Play/ relax more. The world won't end if I'm not stressed out.
Diablo II:LOD and playing with my pumpkin vine in the garden. (an accidental pumpkin vine that took over my compost heap. It's a failed experiment because it doesn't like west TX heat.)
8) At least 3, preferably 7 hours, heavy thought/ meditation/ psyche rebuilding per week.
15 min, no real breakthroughs.
Avoid Poision and trauma.
My boss caught a nasty error I made in a set of plans and helped me out with that. I won't say it was traumatic to deal with a project I thought finished and get constructive criticism on it, but it wasn't exactly my idea of a fun day.
Avoided poison, though.

[naiadknight]

The Universe hates me. That's all there is to it. They give me a minor concession (my husband comes home 6 hours early tomorrow) in exchange for a fucking bombshell. My grandmother could literally die any week now.
Back story:
3 years ago, when I was in summer classes, my maternal grandmother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. A basketball sized and a softball sized tumor were removed during the hysterectomy, they irradiated her, and chemotherapy ensued. She was told six months to live back then. Ovarian cancer is a very quick moving, very malicious cancer. Every time she went back, they had to remove yet another tumor and the ones they couldn't remove were doubling and tripling in size. Eventually, she couldn't be given more chemo or radiation and the tumors were latching onto places they couldn't remove them (bowels, spleen, liver, etc.) We were basically told 3 months ago to get her into hospice and get her comfortable. Now those tumors are large enough to be noticeable when you press on her stomach and she has them basically attaching to every available surface below the diaphragm. At any time, they could choke off the bowels, cause an internal infection, shut down the liver, etc.
I'm planning on going down there as soon as I can scrape together the money to pay for food and hotel without completely blowing my layoff savings. Fuck time off, obviously I'm not important enough for them to need my position, so they can suck a fat wet one for the time I need to go. If I wait too long, it could be a funeral, not a visit.
I sure didn't eat right today either: 1 pastry, rice in my relleno, ranchero beans, and margaritas with dinner. Didn't do my sledgehammer, didn't run, overanalyzed yet oversimplified my relationship with my mom.... I'm just batting a fucking million today aren't I? Tomorrow'd better be better, because if it's like today, I'm going back to sleep.
This shit always happens. My bad stuff doesn't just happen one at a time, it comes in this huge fucking rush. Everytime I manage to pick myself back up partway, I get hammered by another blow, and another and another and.............. fuck me freddy, I dunno. I know I'm not the only person in the world to have suffered this stuff in tandem, but it sure feels like I got dealt the shittiest cards in the deck right now. Right now I'm also kinda worrying about mom too. In the next month, there's a good shot that her last child goes off to college and her mother dies. That on an already hair trigger trouble psyche. I'm tired of mothering my own goddamn mother. It's bullshit. I should be able to choose when I have kids, not be presented with an adult one during childhood. Call it dysfunctional, call it fucked up, call it codependency, I call it bullshit. I'm the only happy asshole in the whole family she'll listen to in that state, and I won't have my mother go and off herself because I didn't stop her. WTF? Give me a fucking break, Fates!

[Victoria]

I am so sorry Sending you lots of virtual hugs.

[NoSaladWithoutMeat]

I'm sorry you feel so alone on this.
It's a universal state of loneliness, when you feel like the four horseman of the apocalypse are out to skewer your ass.
I'm quite useless to you, since I can't barge into your house unannounced with a rack of ribs and a bottle of scotch, and against your protest, crash on your couch and make you get all 'feminine' on me :P
Bottling this shit isn't good. It'll just pester and become more toxic as you do, eventually it'll explode and consume anyone around with nasty things like anger and resentment... so, I hope you had a good, solid talk with your man, and I hope he made you feel better if not with words then a good night of sex and booze.

As for your mom, you shouldn't see it as a burden as much as a blessing. I don't pretend to know your relationship at all (mother-daughter stuff is as logical as quantum physics), but the fact that she can use you to make sense of her life, as a shoulder to cry on, has got to mean something, nay?
You shouldn't have to be burdened with your mother's emotional state, especially if the favour was never mutual, but she counts on you as someone who can make her feel better, and that makes you a lot more important that the average spoiled brat :]

And your grandma... I'm so sorry. I know what it's like to lose a grandparent, it's just that to me it came as a total shock (and in front of my teenage eyes, major trauma), so at least you're in the know, and you're expecting it and you can take the time to spend some time with her (fuck work in the ass!). Be grateful for that, because she could have slipped away a lot earlier, before you eve had the chance to say goodbye.
Take solace in the fact that she won't have to suffer anymore chemo and this crappy world in general. And who knows, maybe there's something better out there? A heaven with no rednecks? :]

Lots of cyber love to you, kid, on this very sad period of your life.
It can only get better from here (in a few months you'll be strapping your old boss to a chariot, perhaps? )

<3

[kuno1chi]

*Grabs Naiad in a totally inappropriate bear-hug, and just holds her for awhile*
So sorry you're having to go through all this shit.....

[naiadknight]

Thanks for all your support, guys. I appreciate more than I can put in words. This cycle comes around every 4 years or so, and there's usually a culminating peak. A few of the cycles ended with suicide near attempts by my mom or myself, the last one ended with a blessing in disguise with an abusive ex. I think I know what'll peak and end this cycle, it's just a matter of when and whether or not this one culminates in a double peak (last time that happened was my mother being involuntarily committed followed by my father getting rip roaring shitfaced and nearly dislocating my shoulder while I was protecting littlest sister because she was asleep instead of doing dishes.) I have a feeling this'll be a triple peak: My grandmother dying the day before my middle sister (who loves her more than anyone else) makes parole, thus giving my mother impetus for a suicide attempt, and somewhere within the week before or after is my true layoff date. That just seems like where this is all headed. I hope I'm wrong, but that seems to be the angle this one's taking. I hope that the peak will be just my grandma kicking it. At least I'm prepared for that one....
Meaty- I know you meant well, but the relationship between my mother and I is not healthy. I need to break that cycle of her relying on me to make everything better. I know I shouldn't hold my emotions in, but, what can I say? Survival habits are hard to break. And both mothering her and not showing anything but the "good" emotions are survival habits that I'm trying to break. I've taken the first steps toward dealing with my issues, but it's a process that isn't fast or easy. If it's fast or easy and it deals with the psyche, you did it wrong.
Still IFing from dinner last night at 8. I may break it here in a bit, but I was in a cleaning frenzy, because this place was a mess, Husband's coming home, and it gave me introspection time. Looking at it now, it also counted as alot of move around slowly (4 hours worth.) This is good. I'll make that 7 hours of introspection yet.